How to get over the person you love more than anything

Fonze07

Hi all,

I have been best friends with this girl and we both got on so well together. I am so in love with her and know that i will never love anybody as much as i do this girl.

She recently got married and my friends said that i should just cut ties with her altogether in order for me to move on. I did this about 7 weeks ago and we haven't spoken since then. She knows my feelings towards her (perhaps not how much it gets me down and actually how much i am in love with her) so understood why i wasnt contacting her anymore.

Anyway, its been 7 weeks since i spoke to her and i cant get her out of my mind. I seriously think about her all the time, every single day and this is getting me so depressed. I just don't know what to do and how i can get over this.

Kevster

Hi,

You will love another person (or persons) just as much - and perhaps more - than you claim to love this current girl. I know that this doesn't seem true right now, but I assure you that it is [true]. Love seems to cloud logical judgement about things. When you add 'love sickness' into the equation, it skews what seems logical and what doesn't to the extreme.

Your friends were right: Cut all ties with her and just get on with your life. You are now on a different path than her, and your respective lives will now move forward in entirely different directions. Don't get swamped in the notion that we only love once in our lives, because that's utter nonsense. Also, don't get swamped in the notion that you owe it to her to be he friend - You do'nt owe her that. In fact you owe her nothing.

If you talk to your parents they will probably speak of people they loved before they met each other. Everyone will say it.

Kevin

Fonze07

I just can't imagine my life without her even if that is as a friend. I know moving forward is the best thing to do but i just cant get her out of my mind. As soon as i wake up she is all i think about throughout the whole day. I do know though that my love for another person won't be as strong as it has been for her. It just won't. It might seem crazy and everybody will think that is utter nonsense but it is definitely the case

LegacyUser

I could have written the same post as you ten years about someone.

Since then I have been married to someone I loved even more and will soon be getting married again to someone I love anymore. Never underestimate your own capacity to love.

Remember its from you that this love comes. When you have that potential for love you will always find an object for your love and you love more as you get older, not less.

Kevster

What else are you doing in your life?; and where do yuo think you are going? You've sidetracked a tad from your life's plans i'm sure, but you can get back [on track].

stephen_n

7 weeks isn't a long time really, I'm not being cruel but the grieving process takes along time maybe even years. I broke up with the girl I truely loved most in my life over four years ago and I still think about her two or three times a week. As they say give time, time! There is nothing more infuriating than people telling you that you will meet someone else (even though you will, believe me) but that is a way of ignoring the uncomfortable feelings that this loss brings up for you. Now is the time to feel sad, to feel that loss, to cry, to get angry and all the things that come with it, it will get easier over time until you get through a day and realise that you haven't thought about her at all and then you'll get more of those days. But just give your self space to mourn the loss as this is like a death except in this case the person your grieving is still walking around out there!

Fonze07

I am not really doing anything else in my life at the moment. I am pretty depressed over all this. I have lost her completely now which is making me very down. I tend to just stay in a lot these days. I know people will say i have to get out there but i just can't

wylo

agree with the above, nothing worse than hearing the old "plenty of fish in the sea" statement but it is so so true, 7 weeks is nothing tbh.

You are still at the 'obsessed' stage, ive been there too. Just bit by bit she will start leaving your mind, you will being to get bored of being down about her.

If its any consolation, alot of us have been there, the feeling of waking up a little too early in the morning, and there being just a few seconds of happiness before you think of her, this instantly makes you wide awake.

Try practical things, like writing out your feelings on a daily basis, you can rid of it after or even straight away its just a nice way to vent.

Fonze07

Thanks Stephen.

It's 7 weeks since i spoke to her but i have been going through this since i have known her which is about 3-3 and a half years. I have known since back then that i was never going to be with her so i have been like this for a long long time. It's just that i haven't spoken to her in 7 weeks which makes it even harder.

Fonze07

Thanks for taking the time to reply wylo. Your advice means a lot

Fonze07

I really don't know how i will get over it though. Don't know what to do

Micky Dolenz

Fonze07 wrote: »

I really don't know how i will get over it though. Don't know what to do

Must people have been where you are at one point or another. It may be a tired old cliche but time really does heal all wounds. Give it 6 months and you'll find you don't think about her as much.

You've done the right thing. you've set her free, now allow yourself to be set free.

Taltos

OP just to reinforce what the others have told you.

Many of us have had similar feelings. Now the circumstances might be different in that maybe the other person did not just get married. But in your case there is the clear sign that she has made her choice.

Having been thru something similar - cause I am sure it is different for all of us ( )
1. Get out - even for walks - meet some friends - take up a new activity that forces you outside meeting people.
2. You say you cannot imaging your life without her - STOP TRYING. For the next while don't think too long term. Make a few short term goals and set out with all your heart to achieve them - travel - new sport - new car - new something. Having to learn something new forces you to concentrate on what you are doing NOW - and that is what you want.

You need to keep active in a way that really limits the amount of time you can dwell on this. 7 weeks is not a huge amount of time - based on the yrs of friendship you have invested here it could (could) take a huge amount of time to really let go. But only you can do this.

Nothing this EX-friend can do will help now. Getting back in touch etc will only serve to mess you up. And worst case - get a bad reputation for yourself if others find out you are pining after a newly married woman. Don't go there mate - labels like that are really hard to escape.

The worst thing you can do right now is what you are doing. Isolating yourself at home not going out - that is a short-cut to depression and obsessive thinking. In short order you may lose contact with the rest of your friends and start to think about different scenarios where you could try to win her back - man - don't go there - as above she has made her choice and the only thing you will gain there will be a "crazy man" name...

If it helps maybe talk to someone - friend / GP / samaritans / someone - who will just listen and not judge. Really at this stage you probably don't need advice (sorry for above) - you just need someone to listen to you who will just take it in and not judge you. Maybe even someone to just give you a hug at the end to let you know it will all be ok - and it really will. This is just one of those things that no-one talks about - that perversely makes you stronger if you survive and do not want to say more on that cause I will just sound more patronising than normal - think you might guess where I am going with this anyway.

BOL - T.

G-Money

Sorry to hear that dude. We've all been in the situation when we've been nuts about a girl and for whatever reason she's never interested/available.

I completely agree with your friends, you need to get away from her and clear your head and that means no contact. No phone calls, emails, texts, Facebook messages, nothing at all. You haven't said much about her but hopefully she will respect what you've said and will give you space.

I know it's hard and people say "oh you'll meet someone else" but your feelings are so strong, you think that's impossible, that no-one else can ever be as good as this girl. And you know what, that's only going to be the case for as long as you let it be. It's natural to feel heartbroken in these situations and it does take time. I myself met a girl over a year ago and funnily enough, today is 1 year since she last got in touch with me. She kind of messed my head up and even now, I still never want to speak to her again, even though she pops into my thoughts still a few times per week. These things take time.

One thing that might help is to think back to the last girl or some previous girl that you were nuts about. I bet you thought she was the be all and end all and you couldn't imagine life without her.

Are you still mad about her now? I bet not.

It will be the same with this latest girl. She's made her choice and is married.

Personally when I'm trying to get past a girl I like, I start to think of her negative traits. Stuff I didn't so much like but either chose to ignore or didn't pay much attention to. Focus on them, while trying to keep yourself busy. Also if possible, try and maybe meet other girls etc.

Unfortunately this girl is off the market now, permanently and there's nothing you can do to change that. The only thing you've some control over is whether you let this have a hold on you forever.

To be honest, the feelings will eventually fade. I know you don't believe that or find it hard to imagine that happening, but it does. No-one can go on loving someone unrequitedly.

Do you really want to spend all your time and energy loving someone who doesn't love you back?

Give yourself time and as other posters here have said, you will get over it eventually. And don't beat yourself up for feeling bad or thinking about her.

The only thing I'd say is, you mentioned that you hate the thoughts of losing her as a friend. I don't mean to be a p****k but is that genuine or do you really mean you don't want to lose her as a friend and lose the possibility that if she hangs around with you long enough, she'll eventually see the light and decide she wants to be with you? It's fair enough if you genuinely only want to be her friend and don't want to lose that, but I think some people can mistake it or try to convince themselves that's the truth when it really isn't.

Just know that eventually, the feelings will fade and you will move on. Try to keep yourself busy and meet new people too. I'm sure if you are out and about and meet some hot tasty girl, this married woman will soon start to fade from your mind.

Good luck and here's to a speedy recovery.

JonathanAnon

Fonze07 wrote: »

She recently got married and my friends said that i should just cut ties with her altogether in order for me to move on.

I think this is the best advice. Unfortunately, life is not a Hugh Grant movie, there is no "win" situation for you in this. The best you can do is cut contact and try to forget about her. You will forget about gradually over time. Good luck.

force majeure

stephen_n wrote: »

7 weeks isn't a long time really, I'm not being cruel but the grieving process takes along time maybe even years. I broke up with the girl I truely loved most in my life over four years ago and I still think about her two or three times a week. As they say give time, time! There is nothing more infuriating than people telling you that you will meet someone else (even though you will, believe me) but that is a way of ignoring the uncomfortable feelings that this loss brings up for you. Now is the time to feel sad, to feel that loss, to cry, to get angry and all the things that come with it, it will get easier over time until you get through a day and realise that you haven't thought about her at all and then you'll get more of those days. But just give your self space to mourn the loss as this is like a death except in this case the person your grieving is still walking around out there!

Spot on all the way...

leahyl

I understand how you feel OP - only difference with me is i have never had a relationship with the guy i'm crazy about - known him for years (friend of the brother unfortunately!) and i had decided that a wedding we are both going to in June would be when i would finally get the chance to 'make my move' or at least try but then found out he had a girlfriend....made me realise how much i actually like him....kinda depressing...my friends don't seem to take it too seriously cos i don't make a big issue out of it with most of them so i'd say they think it's just a silly crush but it's not! I think about him A LOT!!

it is the most annoying thing in the world when people say "oh you'll meet someone else" etc etc....sigh:(

newmember2

Fonze07 wrote: »

Thanks Stephen.

It's 7 weeks since i spoke to her but i have been going through this since i have known her which is about 3-3 and a half years. I have known since back then that i was never going to be with her so i have been like this for a long long time. It's just that i haven't spoken to her in 7 weeks which makes it even harder.

OP - have you not questioned in over three years(!) why you continue to fixate and obsess on this person who you say you knew you would never be with? Did you ever tell her how you felt?

I would think you have used (and continue to use) this fixation to avoid some personal issue of your own. Have you never questioned this behaviour? Have you ever considered seeing a counsellor?

Fonze07

I don't see why you think i am using this fixation to avoid personal issues of my own.

It's pretty simple. I have been best friends with her for a long time but giving that she had a boyfriend and just recently got married to him i knew i would never be with her. That and the fact she is way out of my league. Now i have lost her completely and am deeply down over this but dont understand why you think i am using this to avoid other personal issues.

Taltos

Fonze07 wrote: »

I don't see why you think i am using this fixation to avoid personal issues of my own.

It's pretty simple. I have been best friends with her for a long time but giving that she had a boyfriend and just recently got married to him i knew i would never be with her. That and the fact she is way out of my league. Now i have lost her completely and am deeply down over this but dont understand why you think i am using this to avoid other personal issues.

Op - please re-read your comment above.
Either way you are in denial - you are denying yourself the opportunity to move on and have a life - but please re-read- here are a few snippets that grabbed my attention.

i knew i would never be with her >> you clearly really don't believe in yourself - if you feel this way - then why would anyone else feel any different.
she is way out of my league >> again with the put downs, no-one really knows what attracts one person to another - but self-confidence really is a key part.
i have lost her completely >> well - using your logic above you never stood a chance - so how can you lose something you never had or hoped to have.
dont understand why you think i am using this to avoid other personal issues >> Op see above. At a min you do not believe you are worthy of this woman - and by extension pretty much any woman you deem attractive. You really need to work on this. Only when you know or appreciate your own worth to someone will someone else really be able to see it. And it is not about the big things - it could be small things - like being there when you are needed or making coffee for a partner in the morning when they are in a rush.

Please do not take offense at some of the earlier posts but step back and admit - you know - maybe they have a point. I am not saying stroke your ego until you are a movie star - but at least learn to see the good in yourself and all the great things you can offer someone - a shoulder to cry on - a hand to hold on a walk.... Clearly you do not see these - no surprise this woman did not - but the next one will - if you really try...

Fonze07

In reference to the "i knew i would never be with her" and "she is way out of my league" phrases i was just being realistic. It is the only way to be in this situation.

"I have lost her completely" was in reference to losing her as a friend altogether not in reference to being with her in a relationship

I was being realistic in saying that she is way out of my league. Just because i said that doesn't mean i have personal issues

Fonze07

Another night in thinking about her. I just can't get out of this rut!

LegacyUser

op, did u really chase her before?

do you think you fantasied her?

or because of the failure of rejection, you would rather be around her as a friend, so you can be with her?

are you happy with your life without someone who can romantically love you back?

do you want to be loved romantically and wanted passionately?

loving her is great, but being loved by someone you love is something better.

Taltos

OP - I strongly suggest that you find someone to talk to about this.
If not a friend then consider your GP or a counsellor.

This obsessive thinking is not healthy for you in the longterm and you may just need some small help breaking the pattern.

I am not saying this to attack you or to dismiss how you feel - but really just think you might need to be coached along the initial path to recover.

tweety_bird

I just recently broke up with an ex that I thought was the one. He had commitment issues and therefore it was never going to work even though we were together for so long.

What I found helpful was to go through the motions, the pain,hurt,love whatever your emotions are.I found writing everything down a great help as you're getting everything off your mind. You might think that it is the end of the world now(well i thought that with my break up) but you can and will get through it. If your not coping then i suggest to chat to someone whether it be a close friend or a professional if needs be.

Just realise that you can and will get though this.In the beginning its so hard to try. Again i thought what worked for me was not trying to get over someone you loved..yes they made up a part of your life for a time and forgetting about them is hard to do but now that you're apart you can get on with your life and have as much fun as you can. I still think of my ex sometimes but now believe that we can both have a future without each other and can be happy for each other.

Hope this helps.

Munster_Gal

I'm a big believe in FATE!
I recently started seeing my ex again that I've been in love with for the last 4 years! We know each other for 7 years! it's just been one of those relationships where something keeps happening and we end up going our seperate ways. This time things looked like they might actually work out for us... but sadly... he found out that the girl he was with up until xmas is pregnant with his child so once again..... something has prevented me from being with him! But I do believe it's FATE. We're clearly just not meant to be together..... Everything happens for a reason and what's for you won't go passed you! I know it may not seem like that right now but trust me.. it will get better, and easier and there is someone out there for you! You just need to try and be positive that everything will work itself out!

gonnaplayrugby

you spelt faith wrong

Nevyn

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