Didn't sympathise

LegacyUser

My mother died last year, it was all very sad, and the family and friends were all upset, but we're trying to get on with it as thats what she'd want. The funeral was big, and loads of cards and shaking hands and all the rest.
A friend of mine, who i've known for the best part of 20 years, sound as a pound, his girlfriend of about 10 years, who i know well, and see her often and get on well with. She wasnt at the funeral, which is fine because it during the week and works 60 miles away. But i met her a few weeks later when we were out, and she never said anything to me about my mother. A simple hand shake, or how are you getting on, or anything. Never said a word. And she even met my mother a few times, gave us a lift to the train one time. So a couple of weeks later, we were out and it was her birthday, great night all the rest etc, i didnt wish her a happy birthday, why would i? So she reports back to the boyfriend, that i didnt wish her a happy birthday. He tells me this, and i tell him why, he understands, but she doesnt.
she doesnt see that she didnt do anything wrong, but i'm the worst in the world because i didnt say happy birthday.
Small apples is all i say
Does anyone find this strange ?

spurious

You know some people have a lot of trouble dealing with death. Many people say nothing at all to bereaved people, sometimes because it all reminds them too much of a loss of their own and they fear they will break down, sometimes because they just don't know what to say.

You were quite childish not wishing her a happy birthday over the fact that she didn't know how/didn't feel able to sympathise with you.

Canard

My mother died last year too, and tbh I got a bit tired of sympathy and found a bit of relief in people who didnt say anything. You know they do care, but they probably just thought since you've heard it so many times not to say anything. It really is quite an awkward situation, since a mother is so close.

She couldnt have known you WANTED her to say anything, even though you did. Just move on is my advice. She hardly intended to upset you.

It is nice for people to say it, but as the above poster said, I was sometimes worried I would break down when something was said, she had good intentions probably.

Ickle Magoo

You deliberately refused to wish her a happy birthday on her actual birthday because, for whatever reason, she didn't give retrospective sympathy to you over a month earlier? That just sounds really petty and pathetic, though I imagine you are still feeling pain and anger from your loss and finding ways of redirecting it.

Everyone deals with death in different ways, some people are absolutely irreverent and expect everyone else to be the same, other people are ridiculously pragmatic and others again wouldn't dream of broaching the subject unless the person involved initiates it for fear of upset, etc, etc.

What makes you automatically assume she was slighting you to the point you carry on some kind of vendetta for weeks, rather than she didn't bring it up because you didn't and she didn't want to upset you or even that she didn't know how best to phrase it? She may even have been brought up to put on the stiff upper-lip and not talk about things like that, you just don't know. I think you owe her an explanation, though not necessarily an apology.

Best of luck.

tenchi-fan

I know you're meant to say something but if I haven't seen some one in a few months I probably wouldn't bother... it's nothing personal, I'm just not great with those situations.

You probably shouldn't have gone out of your way *not* to wish her a happy birthday, especially if you remembered it. Did you want to get your own back or something? If she's not your friend don't bother with her but don't play games.

krudler

Why would anyone bring up the death of a relative on a night out a few weeks later? for all she knew that was the first time you had been out since the funeral, and you were trying to put it behind you, I sympathise completely but it was failry childish to not wish her a happy birthday, thats something a 10 year old would do

KnocKnocKnock

I can't really ad anything new to what was said before, but I've been in similar situations to that girl. Someone lost someone, I saw them unexpectedly as they were setting off on a night out. I thought that if I mentioned it to them, they may get upset and it would ruin the mood for them for the rest of the night, they maybe embarrassed if they get upset especially in public. As well as that, there seems to only be a moment when it's appropriate to say anything. Maybe she thought it would be a bit crass to talk about other things for a while and then say "oh yeah and sorry about your mother". Don't take it personally, why would she purposely try to hurt you? It makes more sense that she just didn't know what to do and just did what she thought best.

If I were you, the next time you meet her, have a quiet word and say, emotions where running high for you at the time, you misunderstood and that it was an over reaction for you to not wish her happy birthday. Tbh, why did you go on the night out to celebrate it if you weren't going to wish her happy birthday? kind of seems like you planned to publicly shun her and knew this would hurt and embarrass her.

irishhigh

I'm So sorry about your loss hun, I lost my mum too last year in a crash. People have been unfair calling you childish for not saying happy birthday! you where clearly hurting very badly and greif makes you do the strangest things, I would have told her to shove her birthday!!! people don't understand that when you are greving after someone you are hypersensitive and take even the little of comments to heart.

When the crash happened my mum was in my Dad was with her too and when I arrived at the hospital The local parist told me my Father had died too! this was a mistake because he was in I.C.U fighting for his life, Thank God he is ok now, But when I found out he had misinformed me I went up to the parist and belted him so hard across the face he nearly fell over. The point I'm making my reaction was (very wrong) but I'm not a violent person,I was in deep shocked and upset so your reaction was not childish, you where standing up for what you believed in.

Take care

phog

Some people find it hard to sympathise after the event especially if it's not a one to one situation. I think you might be a bit hard on the girl. Mayeb you should try and put it behind you by calling her and explaining the full story to her and take it from there.

krudler

irishhigh wrote: »

I'm So sorry about your loss hun, I lost my mum too last year in a crash. People have been unfair calling you childish for not saying happy birthday! you where clearly hurting very badly and greif makes you do the strangest things, I would have told her to shove her birthday!!! people don't understand that when you are greving after someone you are hypersensitive and take even the little of comments to heart.

When the crash happened my mum was in my Dad was with her too and when I arrived at the hospital The local parist told me my Father had died too! this was a mistake because he was in I.C.U fighting for his life, Thank God he is ok now, But when I found out he had misinformed me I went up to the parist and belted him so hard across the face he nearly fell over. The point I'm making my reaction was (very wrong) but I'm not a violent person,I was in deep shocked and upset so your reaction was not childish, you where standing up for what you believed in.

Take care

how mature

Darlughda

Well actually I think fair play to you for not wishing her happy birthday.

Some people are really dreadful dealing with death and bereavement, and I think there is no excuse for it considering we will all have to deal with plenty of it sooner or later.

This idea that celebrating the day somebody is born is the day you give respects to somebody for being born is a bit ludricous, especially when you are dealing with something very real and painful and she didn't even have the manners to offer condolences.

I don't think its childish of you, OP, It would stick in my craw to have to do it just because its the done thing and lets not all talk about the upsetting thing that you are going through.
Sorry for your loss. Been there, friends let me down similarly.

Cheap Thrills!

You were right not to wish her Happy Birthday.

Her failure to ackowledge your Mothers death and sympathise was totally and utterly UNACCEPTABLE.

For the people who are saying 'people deal with death in different ways' and she might have been 'embarassed' or 'uncomfortable' TOUGH....that is no excuse EVERYONE feels awkward giving condolences. Shes not special there.

The point about giving condolences to the Bereaved person is we do it not for ourselves, we do it for them. Its the bereaved persons feelings that take precedence in times of grief.

That girl is an ignorant cur and her behaviour is crass and self centred in the extreme. An adults Birthday is barely relevant. Mothers death trumps self obsessed, ignorant aquaintances birthday any day.

That girl needs to stop worrying about the splinter in your eye and start worrying about the log in her own.

She should be ashamed and mortified that she doesn't know the universally understood protocols of adult life. She is a disgrace OP.

shellyboo

I would never, ever, EVER broach the topic of a family death, or anything remotely upsetting with someone in public. I think it would be horriffically inconsiderate to bring something like that up on a night out when the person might have struggled to even make it out that night at all. What if they got upset? I totally understand why she didn't mention it then; her lack of sympathy otherwise is a bit off though.

Auldloon

irishhigh wrote: »

I'm So sorry about your loss hun, I lost my mum too last year in a crash. People have been unfair calling you childish for not saying happy birthday! you where clearly hurting very badly and greif makes you do the strangest things, I would have told her to shove her birthday!!! people don't understand that when you are greving after someone you are hypersensitive and take even the little of comments to heart.

When the crash happened my mum was in my Dad was with her too and when I arrived at the hospital The local parist told me my Father had died too! this was a mistake because he was in I.C.U fighting for his life, Thank God he is ok now, But when I found out he had misinformed me I went up to the parist and belted him so hard across the face he nearly fell over. The point I'm making my reaction was (very wrong) but I'm not a violent person,I was in deep shocked and upset so your reaction was not childish, you where standing up for what you believed in.

Take care

I hope he belted you back :mad:

krudler

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

You were right not to wish her Happy Birthday.

Her failure to ackowledge your Mothers death and sympathise was totally and utterly UNACCEPTABLE.

For the people who are saying 'people deal with death in different ways' and she might have been 'embarassed' or 'uncomfortable' TOUGH....that is no excuse EVERYONE feels awkward giving condolences. Shes not special there.

The point about giving condolences to the Bereaved person is we do it not for ourselves, we do it for them. Its the bereaved persons feelings that take precedence in times of grief.

That girl is an ignorant cur and her behaviour is crass and self centred in the extreme. An adults Birthday is barely relevant. Mothers death trumps self obsessed, ignorant aquaintances birthday any day.

That girl needs to stop worrying about the splinter in your eye and start worrying about the log in her own.

She should be ashamed and mortified that she doesn't know the universally understood protocols of adult life. She is a disgrace OP.

wow, overreact much? After my grandfather died I went to a house party a few weeks after and by the end of it i was completely miserable from everyone asking how I was and how was I coping and all that, I would have prefered if everyone just didnt mention it and let me get on with my night.

this girl probably thought the same, she missed the offering condolences period and chose to not bring it up in case it upset the OP I'd imagine. Whats the period of time for offering condolences anyway? a month? a year? a friend of mine's father died 5 years ago and I havent seen him as he lives abroad, should I offer my condolences if i see him in 5 years time? he'd think i was mental for bringing it up.

and why is this girls birthday even relevant, the op didnt state she demanding she come to her party or anything, she was out and made a point of not wishing her a happy birthday, which is pretty childish, I wouldnt wish someone a happy birthday if it was weeks afterwards but i would if it was that night and i met the person.

Darlughda

Woah. Glad I'm not mates with you Krudler.

The death of a grandparent is a very very different experience from the death of a mother or father.

No the OP should never ever have been in the position where the only opportunity since the funeral was the so called friend's facetious and self indulgent birthday celebrations.

Many people would prefer others to be real on a night out even if they do get 'upset'. Pretence in society for the sake of being fun can be very draining and miserable for a person experiencing bereavement and the loss of a parent.

Shallow mates are best left on the sidelines OP, they can't handle real life.

krudler

Darlughda wrote: »

Woah. Glad I'm not mates with you Krudler.

The death of a grandparent is a very very different experience from the death of a mother or father.

No the OP should never ever have been in the position where the only opportunity since the funeral was the so called friend's facetious and self indulgent birthday celebrations.

Many people would prefer others to be real on a night out even if they do get 'upset'. Pretence in society for the sake of being fun can be very draining and miserable for a person experiencing bereavement and the loss of a parent.

Shallow mates are best left on the sidelines OP, they can't handle real life.

Where did the OP state that the girl was even having a party? she just said they were out and it happened to be this girls birthday, they could have met her on the street for all you know

barbiegirl

Having lost my dad suddenly last year, the OP did not over react. Some of the posters here need to think carefully before they post. Have they lost a parent or someone else who's gone before their time? You feel totally different to the death of even a very close grandparent, I've experienced both and I know.
OP I know how hard it all is, and you do appreciate the squeeze of the hand, the quick hug and kiss, something to show they care. You don't need to talk about if all night, or indeed actually mention the death, just a hug and a I'm thinking of you helps.
Let things be though now, she isn't your mate, she's your mates partner, rise above it all and get on with things. Ultimately she does know she did something wrong.
Remember your mum is still with you in your heart and memories

ash23

I work in a family run business and one of the owners died suddenly just before christmas. His wife and his adult children also work within the business.
They went ahead with the annual christmas party. He was mentioned in the speeches and we all proposed a toast.

However by the end of the night because people kept sympathising most of his family either left early or ended up crying.
It was a horrible night, nobody enjoyed it, it felt inappropriate to enjoy it.

I work daily with two of his children and I rarely mention him unless they do and I wouldn't dream of asking them how they are coping etc. They have family and friends and I'm sure they hear enough of that as it is.

I went to the funeral and sympathised there but if I'd been unable to and hadnt seen them until there was a night out, I doubt I would have mentioned it then.
However I would have found a way of passing on my condolences, either via a card or a message (was her name on the card your friend gave you?).

meditraitor

I think you are being very hard on this person, loosing a parent is like being knocked out cold for a few months, and doesnt ever go away. Sorry for your loss.
My Point; at the funeral and for a short period afterwards everyone I met sympatised but as the weeks roll on it stopped but I didnt keep track of who did or didnt, I really dont understand what your problem is, some people think they are being kind by not bringing it up. Its a hard time and things can get scewed but try not to read too much into as simple a thing as somebody you dont really know not sympatising.

Whispered

I think people from both sides are being harsh tbh.

My dad recently lost his brother suddenly. He found it very very hard when people sympathised. It was the hardest thing he went through and while sympathies were of course appreciated, how do you answer "how are you doing" when you're really not doing very well at all?

Now, in saying that, that is his way of dealing with it and we took our que from him when speaking to him. Maybe the op's friend had dealt with someone like that before. Yes, she was wrong, but did not do it on purpose.

At the same time, telling the op that he/she is immature for not wishing his friend a happy birthday is not very nice. When you're going through emotions like that you don't do things out of maturity or immaturity, you're operating on a purely emotional level for a long time. And the comment about it being a whole month later A month is NOTHING and the op was very probably more hurt a month later than when the death happened. You tend to go into a shock type mode just to get you through the first while, after the first 2 weeks the reality of life without the person kicks in.

I think Irishhigh was very brave telling the story about loosing his/her mother and hitting the priest. For people giving out about that. Can you even begin to imagine that rollercoaster of emotion? Of course the actions were wrong but irishhigh admitted that.

OP I'm sorry for your loss but I think you're being a bit harsh. I don't think it's disrespectful or childish when people don't mention it, especially on a night out. A lot of people just want to get on with their lives and mentioning something like this just makes them upset and emotional. A lot of people would prefer just to have a 'normal' night out, a night off feeling sad and down. I organised a mate's birthday party last year, shortly after his father had been murdered. At the end of the night he came up and told me he appreciated me not mentioning his dad. He said he understood people were just trying to be nice, but he just wished they'd stop bringing it up. In these situations, people are just not sure what to do for the best. You don't want to offend someone by mentioning it, or upset them by mentioning it. I understand how upset you are, but in this instance I'd give the girl a break.

force majeure

Now this is a subject I am well used to as bless me I buried 4 off my family in recent years and while one gets used to funeral's [ take note black humour] I must say we all need to be wary at how others deal with death. I do not think at all this woman meant any offence at what she did and I think you need to understand that sometimes people just have'nt a clue how to act during though times and unintentionally may come across as somewhat offensive.

missmatty

I lost my mother two months ago and while it is hard to deal with the constant sympathising, everyone means well and I take it in the spirit it's given. But I have to say when people who have known you well or for a long time don't bother to mention it or get in touch, I do notice and it really does hurt (whatever about acquaintances). So I'd have to be on the OPs side on this one.

In saying that, other people might not want you to mention it but I'd rather battle my own awkwardness and just say something small and quick than run the risk of hurting someone by pretending it never happened. Especially if it's a parent, it's just something massive really.

vicecreamsundae

a friend of mine's father died a few months ago. we weren't really close, just knew each other from school.the first time i saw him afterwards was at a club on a night out and i didn't know if i should bring it up or not. i was afraid that it might ruin his night out if he was trying to take his mind off the whole thing and that he could very well be tired of hearing people say it, so i said nothing and chatted to him like normal. we've since become pretty good friends and hang out more regularly, and once when we were chatting he mentioned being a bit bothered that some friend of his hadn't said anything to him about it yet. i'd say i went a few hues of red, feeling bad that i hadn't officially said anything to him at the time about it either.
but it IS hard to know. some of the people in this thread are saying they got sick of the condolences and didn't want it brought up all the time. some people would be offended if someone said nothing. it really depends on person and how well you know them, and the timing and the circumstances of when you bump into them..you just have to guess really.

i really don't think anyone would give or withhold condolences with ill intentions though, and i think life is too short to hold a grudge against someone over something like that.i can assure you, she had sympathy for you, whether she said it aloud or not.

LegacyUser

barbiegirl wrote: »

Having lost my dad suddenly last year, the OP did not over react. Some of the posters here need to think carefully before they post. Have they lost a parent or someone else who's gone before their time? You feel totally different to the death of even a very close grandparent, I've experienced both and I know.
OP I know how hard it all is, and you do appreciate the squeeze of the hand, the quick hug and kiss, something to show they care. You don't need to talk about if all night, or indeed actually mention the death, just a hug and a I'm thinking of you helps.
Let things be though now, she isn't your mate, she's your mates partner, rise above it all and get on with things. Ultimately she does know she did something wrong.
Remember your mum is still with you in your heart and memories

I completely agree with barbiegirl. When I lost a parent recently I found it very difficult to be offered sympathy but it was far worse when people ignored the whole issue or avoided me.

I have always found it difficult to offer my condolences to people but it is a part of life, a part of growing up and it has to be done. A friend of my boyfriend who I would always have considered a close friend too made no effort to contact me around the time of my bereavement and avoided me when we crossed paths on a night out a few months later. I would have no interest in being friends with him anymore. I think you should treat this girl in the same way.

miss no stars

I can understand not wanting to bring it up on a night out....

but surely the girl should have dropped in a note or a card or something just to say she was thinking of the OP. The OP has known her bf for 20 years and her for 10 - it was the least she could do to let the OP know she was thinking of them and sympathised.

It may not have been the best thing to do but I don't think it was wrong either, to withold birthday wishes. Maybe now she'll know how it feels to have emotions running high and someone to NOT conform to what is EXPECTED of them in one way or another.