Feel terrible and guilty..

LegacyUser

I am writing this only a few minutes after the following event occurred because I'm feeling so terrible over it.

First of all I'm 20 and have very low self esteem/self confidence issues and as a result am a very shy person who likes to be alone.

Tonight, I had a completely unexpected house call from some people on the street who I used to play and hang out with when I was younger (before I kind of drifted away from them when my issues started occurring). One of them lives just across the street from me and they said his sister (who I was also great friends with) is celebrating her 21st tonight and invited me to come over to the party.

As I usually do I felt immense pressure and hesitated for a second before declining with an excuse that I was busy, but would have liked to go along had I known earlier....... FFS what a lame excuse it was at that as well...

Now when I started drifting apart from them, I think they thought (and still believe) that I don't like them, which is not the case. I just can't function socially anymore.

Now I feel so guilty and rude..... And just terrible ingeneral...

Why am I like this!!!?

Angus Og

You're shy, it's not a crime. If you want to make it better immediately, go and see them. They probably know you're shy, that might be why they made the effort. Could you go and see them, even for an hour or so?

changes

Many people who suffer from social anxiety would have reacted the same way (i'm not saying thats necessarily you though).

Don't beat yourself up for being shy or socially anxious, i'm sure you wish you were able to just say yeah i'll go and then go to the party with excitment and enjoy yourself.

For some people its just not as simple as that.

Also, there are just some people who don't feel comfortable at parties, i don't drink and if someone called to my door now saying do you want to come across the road to a busy party. I know i'd prob say no thanks.

LegacyUser

Angus Og wrote: »

You're shy, it's not a crime. If you want to make it better immediately, go and see them. They probably know you're shy, that might be why they made the effort. Could you go and see them, even for an hour or so?

Thing is, I have forced myself into situations just like this before and they have never really passed without issue and I always regret it. I am a socially awkward person and I always make a fool out of myself in large gatherings of strangers and feel the after effects for months. Parties are probably the most dangerous thing for me.

Not long ago I was at a wedding celebration and someone pulled me onto the dance floor. I can't dance but tried to as I felt under pressure. I failed, and left the party immediately feeling the worst I had ever felt in my life.

changes, yes I would say I have severe social anxiety.. but it's not as simple as that. I am so self conscious of my looks, actions, the way I talk in conversations.. but most of all my looks. I feel I am offending people just being around them, or offending women by even looking at them. It's complicated, kind of a simplified version, but that's really the main cause of my social anxiety.

wylo

sounds like social anxiety, you should look into cognitive behavioral therapy? Or perhaps visit your GP, I know it probably sounds like im overreacting, but theres a difference between just not being in the mood for heading out with people, and refusing to spend time with people and feeling terrible and guilty about it and wondering whats wrong with you.

Angus Og

Here's an article. Read it and you will see yourself.

http://www.articlealley.com/article_784458_24.html

I guess counselling is the only answer if you can't force yourself to overcome it.

changes

TroubledMan wrote: »

changes, yes I would say I have severe social anxiety.. but it's not as simple as that. I am so self conscious of my looks, actions, the way I talk in conversations.. but most of all my looks. I feel I am offending people just being around them, or offending women by even looking at them. It's complicated, kind of a simplified version, but that's really the main cause of my social anxiety.

Most people apart from the really beautiful and the really vain have problems with how they look.

I must say though and i'm sure others would agree, i have never been in the company of anyone in my life who offended me simply by the way they look or just by being in my presence, i'm amazed you would think like that.

You don't have to be the life and sole of the party or mr popular, most people aren't these things. So don't compare yourself against this standard.

Aim to be open, personable, comfortable in your own skin and happy and take your time getting there.... there's no panic.

LegacyUser

Actually when I look in the mirror I don't think I look bad looking at all. There have been times I've thought of myself as good looking. It's seeing myself in photos or video recordings that does it. I look awful and ugly, COMPLETELY different to the person in the mirror, and can only assume that's how I look in reality, to other people..

Like I said it's very complicated.

LegacyUser

i have/had social anxiety and from reading your posts, it seems highly likely that you have it too. you probably feel like your some sort of freak and that there is no one else is like you out there.....but your wrong. i attend a behavioural therapy clinic to aid me in my recovery so i have seen many different people with different issues concerning their social anxieties......it can effect people in different ways.

it's a pretty deep issue so it would take me a long time to fully inform you about SA....i'll try to keep it simple. usually people with SA have had negative traumatic events in their childhood....bullying, overly-critical parents, etc.....these events can effect people deeply emotionally and then have a knock-on effect on their thinking and ultimately their behaviour. I have read about people with SA having paranoid and irrational thoughts thoughts concerning their looks....usually some feature of their face....nose, eyes, etc where they believe it is abnormal looking and everyone can notice it and is looking down on them.

So the way you see yourself and the world is not actually rational or realistic....you've just been getting into the habit of downgrading and devaluing yourself for so long that you actually believe it now. now you might have heard the phrase "facing your fears will make you stronger".....this is not apllicable to people with SA.......you can go through the same social event you fear a hundred times and it will still be as bad the last time as it was the first......the reason being is that you need to change the way you think about the event before you start tackling the event itself and when you do tackle it....it needs to be in small steps.

now i could talk all day about it but what you really need to do is starting dealing with it. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is the number one treatment for people with SA....it is recommended by the NHS and IHS. there is an excellent audio series available by Dr. Thomas A Richards that people can use on their own.....there is also several cbt clincs mow and there is also a lot of info on the net about it. the main thing is that it is treatable.....and the sooner you start tacking it the better!....good luck!