dont know what to do

janisjoplin

hi everyone
am in a bit of a rut here dont know what to do anymore
basically was in a relationship for 4 yrs,had our problems,but in the last year the relationship became abusive on a few occasions my boyfriend hit me,now i am not a saint by any means it wasnt a case he just lashed out on me,we have been arguing alot,we have had alot of problems and outside influences in our relationship.

but each time we argue,he kicks me out of his house,i live there and pay rent,i gave up my own house a few years back and am waiting to get another one,but each time he has the upper hand,but yesterday he made a flipppant comment and i called him a woman beater and he went off on one and told me to get out,that it was his house,and he was tired of me throwing it back in his face about what he has done,and that he wasnt a woman beater as he didnt beat me,just hit me and such,that it wasnt fair on him

now i explained to him when we have got back together that i cant just forgive and forget abouit what happened,that it will all take time,he said ok he wont hit me again,that he would walk away from me the next time we argue,but the other night i asked why he deleted some of the things on my laptop and he went crazy and threw a pint of water over me,now i was upset over this and he told me to cop on it was only a bit of water,that i was just being a marter,i tried to explain to him that he frightens me his temper and he constantly blames me says if i didnt call him or his family names,he wouldnt lose it,and he refuses to accept what he has done,

now i have nowhere to go have my clothes in my car,10euro to name and am embarassed,and i cant go to family,they know wha has been going on and are sick of me running to them,plus i dont get on with them,i just feel at my lowest here with nowhere to turn

Barracudaincork

Its no wonder your family are sick and tired of this and you feel they wont support you, hopefully they gave you that impression! Why? Well no doubt in doing so they hoped they could shock you, make you pay attention etc etc to what was going on and if you just listened to them etc you would be ok.

The good thing is, your family do care and will care, you just feel right now they dont, but seriouly look deep inside your heart and can you honestly say they dont want to help you? I think you need to call your parents and get them to come get you.

If you really feel so alone and no one is there for you then please get yourself to a womens refuge asap. Where do you live?

Re himself, I have seen sh*t on the street that is more appealing! Im unsure what kind of language i can use on boards to describe him, but put it this way Jerry Springer guests could sum it up nicely for me. The lack of some many basic things like respect is unreal. I hope you never clap eyes on this guy again!

janisjoplin

i contacted my mother on the last occasion and she said i wasnt to come in with my problems to her that she was sick of looking at me,my mother cares solely for herself,and the time before that she said it was my own fault as i have a big mouth and i probaly got smart,my father told me he wouldnt have any room to put me up,that was months ago the last time i spoke to him and my brothers lets just say it aint an option
and my sister i was brought to her house by the guards and she gave out to me for turning up at her house,said i could only stay one night as her boyfriend was upstairs and she didnt want me around her boyfriend and she drove me out to me boyfriend the next day and i didnt hear from her for weeks, i am not exagerating when i say family for me aint an option
i live in waterford and i know theres oasis refugee but i had to live there years ago as i was in abusive relationship then,its just i know it sounds silly but i am ashamed i dont people to know my business and what has being going on,nd everyone thinks hes a real nice quite guy,no one would believe me,and i am ashamed to admit that i stayed when he hit me the first especially after being in a abusive relationship before

Barracudaincork

Ok so family are a no no, their loss!!!

Please try and not feel ashamed for any of the things you have said, ok so you took him back after he hit you, the majority of people do take someone who has been violent to them back and if someone has the gaul to judge you then beleive me when i say they have more issues than you and me put together!!! Its easy for people to say you didnt have to take him back, doing it is another. Also just because you were in an abusive relationship before doesnt make what this guy did any less excusable. You may not have learnt from the first guy, but come on, not everyone does! So try and not feel the shame, as i really think there is none.

Why do you think everyone thinks he is a nice guy? I know of plenty of people others tolerate and put up with for the sake of their friends and they appear to think he is a nice guy, but in reality they think he is a d*ck!

I can understand you dont want others to know your business, but if you are serious when you say you are sleeping in your car and you only have €10, then you need to get to the refuge centre, that is what they are there for.

janisjoplin

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Ok so family are a no no, their loss!!!

Please try and not feel ashamed for any of the things you have said, ok so you took him back after he hit you, the majority of people do take someone who has been violent to them back and if someone has the gaul to judge you then beleive me when i say they have more issues than you and me put together!!! Its easy for people to say you didnt have to take him back, doing it is another. Also just because you were in an abusive relationship before doesnt make what this guy did any less excusable. You may not have learnt from the first guy, but come on, not everyone does! So try and not feel the shame, as i really think there is none.

Why do you think everyone thinks he is a nice guy? I know of plenty of people others tolerate and put up with for the sake of their friends and they appear to think he is a nice guy, but in reality they think he is a d*ck!

I can understand you dont want others to know your business, but if you are serious when you say you are sleeping in your car and you only have €10, then you need to get to the refuge centre, that is what they are there for.

trust me people think hes lovely as when people meet him first he doesnt really speak,he comes across as shy and timid,my family couldnt believe at first he hit me as they say he seems so nice and quite and maybe it was just a one off that i can be hard to live with,the killing thing about this for me is this guy is a good few years older than me and was married and has kids and he left his wife cos he said he wasnt happy,but he told me he never hit a woman before,he would never dream of hitting his wife,that i was the only woman he has ever hit,and u know what i believe him and what does that say about me,i have been out with 2 guys before who have hit and i stayed and now this guy after 4 years together does it too,

i have the number for the refugee,but its hard trying to get the courage to ring

markesmith

You need to call to refuge centre. From what you're saying here, it's your only option. Also, stay away from this fella, he does not sound like he's good news.

Any man that hits a woman - regardless of the excuse - has crossed a line that he won't return from. It's just one of those things, once you've done it, that's it.

Longer-term, you need to look at what attracts you to men that do these things. Also, you should look at repairing your bonds with your family - you only get one, and it seems strange that they are all against you. There's always a way back.

But first, call the refuge centre.

Barracudaincork

It says nothing about you!!!!!!!! you are just really unlucky when it comes to guys. I dont normally compare but do you think there is something wrong with Cheryl Cole? That made her husband cheat on her with 5 different women? Or Elgin Woods? No there wasnt anything wrong with them and they certainly didnt make their husbands cheat, theirs husbands are weak pathetic individuals end of, just like your ex it, except he has the nerve to blame you for it all, the ultimate sign of a weak man tbh.

Also dont beleive a word he says that he never hit his ex or dreamt of it, if that is really so true and he was such an upstanding citizen prior to meeting you, then surely this paragon of virtue would of walked away after the first hit, so disgusted at himself that he has lowered himself to hit someone (for the alleged first time) ...............dont beleive a word that came out of that liar's mouth!

Yes i can see it would be hard to call up the refuge, you are more than likely sitting there going how has my life come to this, i cant beleive im back here etc etc STOP! none of that is going to help you know, you need to take a deep breath and say to yourself i can do this and once i do then and only then can my situation improve, so be strong and call them.

LegacyUser

janisjoplin wrote: »

i live in waterford and i know theres oasis refugee but i had to live there years ago as i was in abusive relationship then,its just i know it sounds silly but i am ashamed i dont people to know my business and what has being going on,nd everyone thinks hes a real nice quite guy,no one would believe me,and i am ashamed to admit that i stayed when he hit me the first especially after being in a abusive relationship before

your family sounds horrific. and i wont even get started on your partner.

OP, what you are feeling right now is VERY typical of what every woman who experiences abuse feels like. They feel ashamed, embarrassed, and even think that it is some how your fault.
IT IS NOT!

You need to ring the refuge. They are all professionals. They have been trained and are well aware that many women experience violence at many times in their life - and not always from the same person. You are not the only one here OP! They will not judge you. They will be grateful for the opportunity to help you. And there is no way they would be spreading your business around the town. Refuges are particularly sensitive to these sorts of things.

You might also ring women's aid. They can help you with a number of things beyond just where to stay tonight.

Go ring them OP, now. You'll feel better for it. You need and deserve support.