Need your help

LegacyUser

I'm a thirty five year old childless woman who needs your help.

I have a husband, currently separated. Me and him have a ten year on-off relationship. I wanted kids years ago but he freaked out over that issue and left, though we later got back together.

But while he was gone I met another man.

My husband is a lovely but complicated man who grew up in care and has had a lot of issues to work through, which he mostly has worked through, bravely. He's smart, gorgeous, loving and talented. But his first instinct has always been to run in times of trouble. I'm not from that background. He is one of many children with different dads. My dad died early leaving a very young family and my mum was pregnant with me at that time, so we have a certain amount in common, but I was well loved when I growing up, while he grew up angry and has gradually mellowed out.

During one of our separations I met another fantastic man... and have never stopped thinking about this man, even though I got back with my husband. Last year, due to infertility, poverty and correct suspicions about the other man, my husband left again. I didn't want the other man then. I wanted my husband... but he left and in panic I got involved with the other man who is a fantastic guy and has been wonderful to me... but now my husband wants to get back together.

The other guy comes such a secure background that his parents died in their seventies within a few weeks of each other after about fifty years of marriage, so he knows what a relationship for life means. He is strong and brave and has lived a really interesting life with great conviction.

Now both men, independently, and quite rightly, are asking from commitment from me. All involved want kids. I need medical intervention to get pregnant, and even then its a long shot, so its complicated. I would be with back with my husband already if it wasn't for the other man and I would be with the new guy (in a flash) if it wasn't for wasn't for my husband. I have lust with the other guy and in many ways he is the better man. I don't have lust with my husband, although he is a real beauty physically - I had lust with him in the past but many years have passed. I love and admire my husband but we have had a difficult relationship and he left me many times over. I didn't grow up with two parents to model a relationship and neither did my husband so I understand his deficit and his learning process that way... but the new guy grew up with lasting parents, and we have FUN, LUST and an understanding of relationships that my husband and I have never achieved.

I started seeing a counsellor last month as I was having panic attacks over the decision. She is great and has helped me through the panic attacks but will not help me through the decision as she says its mine to make, of course. But good men are waiting on my decision. I know that many people would say that I don't want either if I'm feeling this way, but I don't have time to have kids (the doctors tell me I'm heading for an early menopause) and I know I love both men, genuinely. The counsellor is trying to help me find the strength to make a decision. But I still have to make a decision and do not trust myself to make it because my feelings are like a game of table tennis.

Please don't be down on me. I didn't choose this dilemma but it has come to me. If there is some wise people out there please tell me what you think. The other man is, in many ways, the man I've always wanted; he is strong, loving, VERY SEXY and beautifully uncomplicated, but I miss my husband's quirkiness, humour and friendship. I know it sounds like bull****, but they are both good relationships. I'm not an easy woman either. I'm tempted to tell each one that I'm with the other and just lay low for a bit.

But I'm also no fool. I know love is rare. I can barely believe I'm loved (infertile; thirty five; moody) and I think running away is not the answer.

Please say something to help. And please try not to criticise, I do that to myself all the time.

So easy happiness with classy, sexy, mature new guy (though he's not that new and has proven himself) or complicated but deep love with a battered old quirky husband?

Be kind folks! Thanks!

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

For a long, happy and secure relationship I would go with the new guy. He sounds like a much more stable person to start a family with. You're husband has left numerous times, how would that work with children? I know I don't know you or either men, but going purely on what you've told us the clear winner is the new guy. Your husband has my sympathy for what he has gone through but he does sound damaged. Ask me who I want to be the daddy of my childs? Mr. Dependable, Mr. Stable, Mr. Reliable and that would be the new guy in my opinion. It a pickle alright, it must be so hard to reject one because you love both but you're going to have to. I'd go with the new guy. You're husband might be witty and darkly humoured and sexy but all that is pretty useless in a family man if he doesn't have the reliability, responsibility and emotional well being of the other guy, those are the qualities you really want in a partner if you want a strong and happy and reliable relationship.

Best of luck.

Barracudaincork

victimoflove wrote: »

I can barely believe I'm loved (infertile; thirty five; moody)

I think you need to start loving yourself before you love someone else more. The above infertile, 35 and moody are not reasons as to why someone wouldnt like you, not to talk of love you! You seem to not value yourself as much as you should. I sense you feel kinda worthless due to your infertility, i cant imagine how that feels but i think you shouldnt be so hard on yourself and think your not worthy of love.

If i had to answer your question re which guy then i would repeat what Peggypeg said and go with the new guy, pretty much for the reasons she stated also.

cafecolour

Your husband has 'left you many times over'? What makes you think he won't do it again if you choose him? I'd guess every time you've taken him back before, he convinced you he stay for good this time and then he didn't.

The new guy sounds like a better option, stability wise. Your affection for your husband stems a lot of familiarity. Which is hard to give up, true, but if you want children, he doesn't seem like a good option.

Emme

You sound like you need to do some work on yourself before committing yourself to any relationship. Children are a privilege, not a right, and need stability. Can you provide that? By the looks of things there's no guarantee that either your husband or the new guy will stick around for the long haul.

LegacyUser

Pick the new guy
It stands out a mile from your post that your husband was unreliable and had some very serious issues which by the look of it have affected you now too.
Pick the new guy if you want to be kind to yourself and start the life you've always wanted

LegacyUser

You mentioned poverty during a phase with your husband - and this was a contributory factor along with infertility and infidelity to him leaving that time? If you stay with him, how will you afford the fertility treatment? I take it the other man is a better financial bet as well as generally more stable.

How does the other man feel about your husband? How will he cope with you always wondering what might have been? Will you cut off contact with your husband completely, or do you feel he will always somehow be part of your life? Is this fair to the other man?

From what you have written, head definitely says the other man is the better bet for a stable life but something is telling me you could more easily completely cut off the other man if you proceed with a life with your husband, than you could completely leave your husband behind if you go the other way. I could be wrong but it's coming across to me that you will always feel tied to your husband, despite all his faults.

LegacyUser

guest_guest wrote: »

You mentioned poverty during a phase with your husband - and this was a contributory factor along with infertility and infidelity to him leaving that time? If you stay with him, how will you afford the fertility treatment? I take it the other man is a better financial bet as well as generally more stable.

How does the other man feel about your husband? How will he cope with you always wondering what might have been? Will you cut off contact with your husband completely, or do you feel he will always somehow be part of your life? Is this fair to the other man?

From what you have written, head definitely says the other man is the better bet for a stable life but something is telling me you could more easily completely cut off the other man if you proceed with a life with your husband, than you could completely leave your husband behind if you go the other way. I could be wrong but it's coming across to me that you will always feel tied to your husband, despite all his faults.

Yes, thats exactly how it is. I feel tied to him and I can't seem to let go.

Poverty was an issue because his business went under - and he was struggling before that anyway. Threatment would be funded from my savings. The other man doesn't have money either so thats not an issue.

...I just don't know what to do.

LegacyUser

Ask yourself some questions:
If you had only one day to live......who would you want to spend it with?
When they hand a child into your arms......who do you want standing there beside you?
Who do you want there to help you bring up the child, who do you want the child to resemble?
When your down and sad and need comforting.....who do you want to give you a hug?
In 40 years time.....which guy do you want to celebrate that event with?

Yes people here are saying go with the new guy but, will your heart be happy with that decision or will it be broken by that decision.......ask yourself every feasible question and compare the two and at the end of the day ensure your head and your heart are in agreeance. Lots of luck

LegacyUser

I think I've reached my decision.

Yes my lover is hot, sexy, capable, loving and responsible but I think... I'm going back to my husband.

We share a soul. I can't leave him alone in the world. And he is a good man. Not as good as the other one but... I can't leave him alone in the world. (can I?) If I could I would have left him already, right? (though I haven't seen him in three months)

Or have I left him already by being with someone else?

I have deep love with my husband.

But I have sex and lust and caring and optimism with other man?

Public vote please. My grandparents had an arranged marriage. He was forty, she was eighteen (west of Ireland people). They never had to choose. The old people in their community put them together. But they had a good marriage with four kids. I'm thirty five, nearly as old as my grand da. I've already lived more than he ever lived. I don't have a community. Choose for me please.