Kids by different fathers

LegacyUser

Im just wondering wud you guys give me some honest answers

I'm a single mammy who has 2 kids but different fathers. Would that put you off dating me? I know its hard enough finding someone when you are a single mammy so I guess I would like some feedback. My children were both from long term relationships.

Ive been single a while now, had my heart broken but would like to get back out there but am wondering would there be any point?

LegacyUser

There's always a point but be prepared to meet two undesirable types

1. The Judgemental, those who see you as a moral degenerate

and

2. Those who sill see you as an easy-lay.


It's up to you to weed them out, but best of luck and, who knows, you may be very pleasantly surprised.

LegacyUser

I'd say it would put some people off. However, if someone writes you off on that basis then they were never going to be right for you. If they were both from long term realtionships then I don't see an issue anyway. It's not the same as some 21 year old whos managed to have two kids already by different fathers. That hints at a wreckless abandon when it comes to sex/family planning. I presume you're quite a bit older than that anyway

Nevyn

You will get a whole range of replies on this, hopefully they will be helpful.

Yes it will put some guys off, you having any children at all is a deal breaker for some people and the children having two different fathers and all the complication that can bring may be a deal breaker for others.

But there will be guys out there for whom it won't be a deal breaker.
I would suggest that if you are going to look at dating again that you consider using a dating site where you can clearly mark on your profile that you have children and that way screen out those would have an issue with it right off the bat.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I think you should give up, why? Well because as soon as you do you'll meet your perfect man, it always seems to happen that way, don't you think?

Ah seriously though, of course there's a point in keeping dating. You should never give up on love, you can't write yourself off just because you have kids!!! I agree it's alot of "baggage" (crappy word for kids I know but you know what I mean) to bring into a relationship but that doesn't mean you should give up on men. Everyone has a past and having 2 kids isn't bad at all, 2 convictions for murder maybe, but 2 kids, no.

I myself wouldn't date a guy with kids but that's from a bad previous experience. I learned that I have to be number 1 in my man's life, until I have kids that is! But that's just me and I have plenty of friends that wouldn't think twice about dating someone with kids. If a guy judges you because they have 2 fathers, then sure you wouldn't want to be going out with a judgemental twat anyways would you?

In summary don't give up, don't worry about it though. I'd say you'll find a lovely, caring man when you least expect it.

Best of luck.

Penn

It wouldn't put me off but it'd depend a lot on the circumstances and relationships with the fathers. A single mother with 2 kids wouldn't bother me. With different fathers though, that throws up some other issues. Do they visit the kids? Do they pay maintenance? Do you and the kids have a good relationship with them? Stuff like that (I'm not expecting you to answer these questions, just giving you an idea on some of my first thoughts)

But if it's not a problem in your life now, I don't think it would be too big a problem in a relationship

stephen_n

I doubt you will find the answer your looking for as it's not a percentage game. Finding the right person is hard no matter what your circumstances are and these are just more issues that need to be negotiated. The right guy won't care about you having two kids or even having them for different guys.

Personally wouldn't bother me and would be very low down my list of issues in meeting a potential partner. I have friends though who won't date single mothers or if they do then they end the relationship quickly.

The old lotto advert is true though if your not in you can't win, so I wouldn't give up if I was you!

tbh

the guys that it puts off, you should be grateful it puts them off. The guys who can see past it - they are the keepers.

meditraitor

Any decent guy wouldnt let it get in the way......... good luck:)

Emme

Look at it this way. You could have been married, had a child, been widowed, then married again and had another child. Nobody would judge you then so why should they judge you now just because you have two children from two different long term relationships. If they do you're better off without them. Unfortunately people like that still exist in this country.

Barracudaincork

It wouldnt put off a decent person at all. Ok it may not be a man magnet of a situation, but at least you know that if a man is interested in you and your kids he really is interested! If he isnt, its a lot to deal with for just someone you dont care about.

However, there might not be as many of these men out there, but tbh there is not many of any type of men out there (which is a good and bad thing), so my advise would be, to go out, have fun, meet people see who you like and then take it from there! Dont sell yourself short because a few idiots may have an ill informed opinion of you!

KnocKnocKnock

Hey OP,

My cousin had three children from a long term relationship, then one child from another relationship which also sadly ended. She has just recently got married after a three year relationship to a lovely man who asked more than once to marry him! They are also expecting their first child. He fell very much in love with her and accepted her four children as if they were his own.

There are men out there who will not leave it just because you have kids.

LegacyUser

Op here

Wow Im pleasantly surprised at the answers and its really made my day. I went tru a very traumatic breakup and to be honest am only really ready to think about dating now.

For the last year ive lots of friends getting married, setting up home etc and I would look at them (very happy for them) and think it would never be me coz who would want me, so I guess the answers here have really made me feel very positive for the future ahead.

Ive actully been asked out by people who were male friends of mine in the last year but I was never really over my ex and wanted to make sure I was in a good place first.

Thanks guys!

rustynutz

I had a LTR with a girl who had a kid. While I wouldn't judge a girl for having kids by two different fathers it would probably put me off. The father of my previous partner was a complete twat who regularly refused to pay mantaince and generaly made her life akward whenever he could, I often felt like getting involved but didn't as it would have made matters worse. Unless you are lucky enough to get on great with both your kids fathers it could cause problems for a future partner imo

LegacyUser

Well I'm a woman with no kids and I've tended to stay away from men with kids, and if I met a man with kids with two women, I would have to be really, really into him to get involved. In fact I dumped a man with two kids with the same mother a few years back, even though I really liked him, because he didn't want to have kids with me. And I recently encouraged my brother to dump a woman with two kids (by different dads) because SHE didn't want more kids - he's a STUNNER and a lovely guy but she was happy for him to play daddy but not to give him kids of his own. Yes, I know its understandable but...

And there-in lies the conundrum. First of all, think less of what you have now, but of what you have to offer someone new. Most decent people will understand your life circumstances. But often, when a childfree person dates someone with kids, it's all about the person with kids and their needs... and their kids needs... which is understandable, of course, but everyone has needs, even people without kids.

Also, alot of single parents belief that they can't attract anyone because they have kids (with however many men/women). I don't really believe this. Even without kids, its very hard to meet someone. And if someone is into you enough they will of course accept the whole package.

So, my advice is, rather than presuming others have prejudices, ask what you have to offer. That would equally apply to people without kids.

You are lucky to have your kids and I'm sure you will meet a nice man. I miss my man-with-kids. We didn't date for long but I saw him again recently (after about five years) and we both looked at each other like we knew we'd missed something big in both our lives. But I felt he was the one who didn't accommodate me in his life or offer anything... meantime I married someone else and have not been able to get pregnant... I never met his kids when we dated but met them last summer and they were then fabulous teenagers who no doubt could have added to my life... but at the time it was all about him being a single parent - what about me!!!

Anyway, sorry for going off track! Don't worry, you'll meet someone. When its right its right. Love is compulsive! don't look for excuses for what you don't have; just let it come to you. Its not much easier for childless folk.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

I would suggest that if you are going to look at dating again that you consider using a dating site where you can clearly mark on your profile that you have children and that way screen out those would have an issue with it right off the bat.

I don't think this is a good idea, heard a few stories about paedophiles using this info to find potential "victims". Just go out and meet people like normal, slip the topic of kids into the conversation at some point and see what happens. There's plenty of men with kids looking for dates too!

Pretty_Pistol

wants2date wrote: »

Ive been single a while now, had my heart broken but would like to get back out there but am wondering would there be any point?

If you want to start dating or are ready to get into a relationship again then yes there is a point. You have every right to. My brother and cousin both live with women who had children before they met them. They're decent guys that dote on the kids. So it's possible. Good luck with it!

The Corinthian

I think people are confusing what the OP has asked with the entire question of whether one would date a single mother (parent) - which has actually been discussed numerous times before here.

The OP asked whether someone would be put off by a "single mammy who has 2 kids but different fathers"? I can see where many would be, even if they were not put off by being with a single mother.

To begin with there are practical considerations. With a single mother a man would have to consider that he will always come second and could end up raising the child of another man - perhaps with that other man never being too far away, and all the problems this could generate. Imagine coming third and multiply the other problems by two.

Secondly, there are prejudices (whether accurate or not) that come with such a set-up, of a barely literate lower class woman who has had children by multiple deadbeats, all unemployed or in prison, and who spends most of her day in pyjamas. Naturally, if this is not the case, it is the easiest issue to dispel, however that is the image that most will consider at the start.

Finally, there is the simply the question - independent of children - that this is a person who has (unless either or both children were products of one-night-stands) a poor track record in relationships. Many men would be weary, not necessarily because she is a single mother or has two children by two different fathers, but because her track record would make it more likely than normal that if they end up in a relationship with her she will eventually become a single mother with three children by three different fathers.

It's like asking a woman would she date a man who has been unfaithful in his last two relationships. Makes for bad statistics.

Is there any point that she goes out and tries again? Sure, as all of the above, as well as those prejudices that single mothers have to suffer, will not affect her relationship with all men, as some will see past this or simply consider it unimportant.

However, I would be lying if I said it will not make the pool she can draw from considerably smaller than everyone else's.

Julesie

be_careful wrote: »

I don't think this is a good idea, heard a few stories about paedophiles using this info to find potential "victims".

Jesus, scaremonger much?

OP, to echo many of the comments above. Yes it will put off some people but for others it will not even be an issue. I wouldn't go as far as to say that is synonymous with a decent/non-decent guy split but it as a good indication as to whether you have any future.

helimachoptor

As The Corinthian says, I think people are getting confused, between dating a single mother and dating a single mother with 2 kids by 2 different men.

Would I do it? No I wouldnt but there are plenty of men that arent as shallow as me.

Nevyn

be_careful wrote: »

I don't think this is a good idea, heard a few stories about paedophiles using this info to find potential "victims". Just go out and meet people like normal, slip the topic of kids into the conversation at some point and see what happens. There's plenty of men with kids looking for dates too!

Oh look scaremongering about pedophiles on the internet.

There are dating sites for single parents.