how can he?

LegacyUser

Finding it hard to get around how badly my ex partner has treated me. He basically walked out on me a year after we had a child with serious health issues.

He played happy families with me until child was born and then suddenly everything was my fault. I was suddenly a bad person and he cheated on me, I caught him out about this several times and just before our childs birthday, he left. But I was left high and dry, no money, no home etc


I have since found out that he has someone else, they are in love and he told me that she is getting the life I didnt get and she is great support, great person etc. In fact he took great delight in rubbing my face in it telling me how happy he is etc.


For the last 12 mths he has made my life hell, lots of harrassment, bullying etc. How the hell can he have treated me so badly but treat her so well. I'm heartbroken.

I decided to try make an effort with him just before xmas and then he started to play happy families in my home the last few months until I realised he had a girlfriend. He wud come over to my house for any little excuse and spend hours here. But the reality is that he was going back to the girlfriend after.

He has court ordered access but its never enough for him. He keeps the g/f well away from me as I guess he would be afraid I would spill the beans on what he is really like. His parents abandoned me after the split and welcome the new girl with open arms :-(

Im trying to move on but its so so difficult, a social life is not possible for me due to circumstances. A carers life is a very lonely life and ive been left holding the baby.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Sorry to hear that, can I ask what age ye all are. Why did he treat you so badly any reason in particular, had ye planned to have a child together?

LegacyUser

We are early thirties so not kids!

We didnt plan the child, didnt use contraception but then he blamed me!

Ive no idea what reason..... we decided to go ahead and have child and got support tru the pregnancy but the minute child was born, he became distanct, caught him on casual sex sites, he denied this and then he was out cheating on me while I was on maximum unpaid leave looking after a sick child who still has major issues.

I eventually had to give up work to look after child and then when child was a year old he left. :-(

He is acting like the one who is hard done by, Everything is my fault and he is extremely bitter and angry. He took great delight in rubbing my face in his new found happiness. I'm heartbroken and very upset

Nevyn

You need to learn to tell the difference between being a family and him being your partner.
Why wouldn't he want to spend as much time with the child as possible.
Just beacuse you are spending time as a family that does not mean he is intrested in a relationship with you.

kenbrady

I think I remember your other posts about this:

First posts you though he might still have feelings for you. As he kept coming over to visit and putting on a big show at the hospital. You said you still loved him and this was messing with your head. Because you were unsure how he felt about you.

Second posts you asked him and he said he didn't have feeling for you.

Now third set of posts you discover he has a girlfriend.

You need to get over him and stop wasting time thinking about him. I understand you said it was hard as you have to see him due to the child. Start by organising one night out a month for yourself. Go out with friends have fun get drunk, make sure you have the whole night free in case you meet someone. When you go out forget about everything and just focus on having a good time. I know it is only once a month, but you will start to look forward to that one night and it will make you excited and happy. Once you get out a few times you will realise you can still have fun and your outlook will start to change and you can start moving on.
You are too isolated due to having to care for your child, this means you have too much time on your hands to think about things. You have a sick child to care for, but you are still a young woman, make time to live a bit more.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I remember your previous posts aswell. BIG BIG BIG HUG, you just sound so tortured. I'm so sorry for you and how bad you're feeling. I feel so bad for you that you've been given such a ****ty ****ty lot in life, it's hard enough dealing with a sick child, without having someone tormenting you on top on it.

I'm going to give you the same advice as last time. Don't give him the child or let him in outside of official access time. It sounds to me like he has zero conscience, zero morals, zero compassion, as long as you keep looking for these qualities in him your head will be wrecked. Just give him his child when you have to and have nothing to do with him outside of these times.

I really don't know what else to say to you. It's time you got over him, you need to take back your power. You should get some councelling and read some self help books on assertiveness and self-esteem and work on those in yourself, once you have those down he won't be able to do this to you.

You really need to accept that you are NEVER going to get back together because as long as you harbour that hope you won't be able to move on.

In fairness he sounds like a cold, selfish, heartless b*stard and hopefully you'll come to realise you're better off without him.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

thank guys.

I dont want him back no more. I just cant get my head around his behaviour and why he is so bitter and angry towards me when its him in the wrong

Thaedydal, I do know the difference but remember he was in my home playing with my head, he knew how I felt about him.

Now any tips for moving on!!!! I know I dont love him now but love the person I thought he was if that makes sense!

LegacyUser

Hey hun....well done u..... GOD U ARE SOME WOMAN, Lucky isn't it that God made us the stronger sex......
Is funny, I used same username as u not so long ago and also remember readng ur other posts. I also split with hubby after almost 10 yrs together last march, he, it later transpired also had someone else who he is now living with. So I feel a bit of a connection with u...
I suppose despite myself I always knew there might be someone else but kept a little bit of hope. Anytime he was nice I thought he might be finally regretting his decision and might want to move back...He never did, any nice behaviour from him I saw as regret on his part...I was sooooo wrong, he was just placating me, setting me up for some bad news.
I have 3 kids, the eldest of which he adopted (from previous) and once we seperated completely cut him off. He plays games with money, taks the kids to an unknown address (his girlfriends and his place)during access weekends. Constantly lies and makes excuses for letting the kids down, And Let it the two youngest, 8 and 5 to tell me he was living with his gf and lots of other juvenille antics, most of which have hurt the kids more than the actual seperation itself.
The only thing I can give him credit for is the litany of unpleasent behaviour has given me closure and to coin a phrase..."I wouldn't p*ss on him if he was on fire" . He's proved himself to be a coward and a bully, and this i know will ring very true to u .
You are on the same path as I and will also feel this way very soon I think....I got some great advice here from people who were further along the path than I and they were so on the ball.
All i can say is look after urself and the baby...hold your head high and let time do its thing.. He is not the man u fell for, prob never was.....
Ur an amazing woman, capable of achieving and surviving anything...Start focusing on yourself and act like he is dead to you.... Soon it will feel like he is.
Apologies for the harsh analagy, but it helped me..
Take Care
S

LegacyUser

Thanks fellow sad mammy, your post means a lot to me.

I have had amazing advice on here. Frank honest advice from those further down the road of recovery. Ive also had friends who were horrified at how ive been treated but who are happy that im away from 'The Monster'

Im in a slightly better place in that his behaviour is/and has been so shocking towards me that all I feel at the moment is pity for him and for the g/f coz she will be on the receiving end if not now then as soon as she emotionally needs him. A leopard does not change its spots and I firmly believe you can judge a person by their previous behaviour. I dont know if they are living together and at the moment I dont care either

His track record before me was no better.

I hope one day to be posting on here giving advice to people who are only starting out on this hard and difficult road of recovery and telling them how I managed to turn my life around and find happiness, while im not quite there yet, Im getting there.

ruby723

Dear sadmommy,
I am going through nearlly the same thing as you. The different is my ex is really really good at lying. He lies to me that he is outside busy to do some business and his girlfriend doesn't even know he has a baby with me. Three days ago, I sent him a message to say "good night honey". Then I got a message back from a different number saying she is his girlfriend for 2 years, stop doing this. If I know something she doesn't know, please tell her. He is fooling 2 girls at the same times and even after this, he can still lie to our face.
I am totally over him now. He doesn't deserve me same as your ex doesn't deserve you. It is really had to get back a social life when u r a single mom. I think the better way is first find some friends who are also single mom or couples who also children. You can help each other babysiting sometimes so others can go out. You should also be able to ask the father to take care the child sometimes. If he refuse, you can get a court order to ask him babysit or pay you to get a babysit.
Don't feel it is the end of the world. He treats you like this, someday he will treat his so called girlfriend like this too! So it is really no point to still feel sad about yourself and wounding why not you.
Since I found out what kind of liar my ex is, I start to go out with my friends and met great guys in 2 days. I am not saying I moved on already, just want to tell you there are still so many good guys out there. Although my heart still feel shacking when I think about him, but who are we kidding. Some guys are really rabbish. Do not broke your angel wings for someone like him. You can still fly.
Also you can talk to citizen information. They know lots of support group to help this kind of situation. So hold on, get a better a life and you know what, you already started a better life

LegacyUser

It sounds like you are going through a transitional period.

You've definitely got the short end of the stick, no doubt about that.

On the other hand, at least he has stuck around for the kid. And in the years to come you will appreciate that.

So right now, unfortunately you are still looking to him to be a strong man for you, and that doesn't look like its going to happen. I can't even imagine how you must feel. But, he is hopefully going to be in your kids life for life and you can't deny your kid that. So keep access as it should be and work on YOU.

He is a resource which you will have use of in years to come, financially and in terms of babysitting and all the rest so don't lose that. You are still just early thirties and you are a brave woman. There can still be another life waiting for you. I know you are hurting now, but at some point in your future you will have love in your life and another chance. You just need to get through this transitional phase regarding him. This will last at least another year but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hurt doesn't last forever. You're in the eye of the storm now. This is as bad as its going to be. Let him have his girlfriend; you may well have a man who appreciates a brave woman a year or two from now. You may have someone to share the burden.

My cousin had an autistic baby with a man who didn't stick around when she was thirty eight. Now she's forty five and married to a New York fireman who loves her and her kid and they are the most solid couple I know. You need to take the emphasis off him and let life happen for you. None of us know whats round the next corner, but its not going to be worse than what you have now.

There's five stages of grief. You've been through denial and you are now in anger. Five years from now he may be on his arse and you may be in the best place possible. None of us know. But you won't have the same feelings for him. You may even have friendship. So there's no point raging at him now. Let him take as much responsibility for your child as you trust him with and get yourself to a hairdressers and do something nice for yourself. If anyone deserves it, you do.

I really wish you the very best of luck.