Am I settling for him?

LegacyUser

Maybe I think too much about this, but I'd like some advice.

Im a single woman in my 40s. Have had many relationships, but as I said, still single, so they didn't work out for one reason or another and I never got the 2.4kids and the white picket fence happy ending that so many of my friends appear to have gotten.
Recently, I have met someone. He's really nice, we get on well, we are very comfortable together. And thats my problem.
When it gets to the comfortable stage, I get bored. Its a pattern I have created and tend to stick with. This guy wants to settle down with me. But my initial thought is 'Is this it?' - is this setting down??? Am I settling for him just to have someone to 'settle down' with?
Like I said, we are very comfortable. Both have our own homes, no kids, love each others company, see each other most nights but still have some independence from each other when the need arises. I do like him. In fact, who am I kidding, I love him. But the thoughts of settling down with him scares me desperately. Its not that I think there's better out there. Previously in relationships, there was always a drama. And I guess, as an older and wiser woman I look back and think I must have thrived on the drama. Though at the time, it felt far from it.
There is no drama in this relationship. We have alot going for us. But I'm so afraid of saying yes to his idea (that we sell one house and set up home together) so I'm not sure I can say yes. How I stop thriving on drama??
Is this what people do? Am I settling for him when I have doubts? I know I'm a bit messed up from family issues - Im very insecure and have driven many people away due to my own insecurities (protection being the best form of defence and all that)..I dont want to drive him away. I love him. So why am I so scared???
do you get that 'this is right' feeling - in a moment? Or does it grow on you? I've been single and lived alone for way too long...help!

LegacyUser

No your not settling your just scared and freaking out don't worry every female I know does the same, I am in my 30s in the same boat as yourself and I completely understand your fears.

My advice is why not just give it a six month trial living together when your ready..no way would I sell my house until I lived with him and see how it goes, maybe you could rent your house out for six months to a yr..or he could...

Just enjoy been together and talk to him about your fears he might be just as worried..it sounds like you love him and really would like to give this a go dont let the past effect your present happiness

I wish you all the very best

TitoPuente

You obviously want a teenage drama and not an adult relationship. I'm not judging you - each to their own and all that. But I'd be inclined to let the guy go. Allow him to find someone that will appreciate him and not feel like they're "settling" just because he's not providing them with the drama that they need.

For a woman in her 40's you sound like you have an awful lot to learn about what relationships *should* be.

ManOfMystery

Are you bored with him?

Not having 'drama' in a relationship does not equate to being bored in a relationship. I had some very volatile relationships years ago ......... spent 4yrs with one ex and I can honestly say I probably spent 2-3 of them years in a constant stage of anger or irritation.

Been with my current gf 2.5 years and we've yet to have a row. We don't really disagree on much, and we don't fight. We tend to have the same perspective on things and both respect each other. There's no 'drama'. Is it boring though? Not at all - we do holidays, we do dates, we have a great laugh together as we have similar humour, we never run out of things to talk about, etc.

You've met a man now who you proclaim to love and by all accounts, things are going good between you. So what exactly is there to stop you moving on to the next stafe? I hate to be the one to bring age into this, but I'm sure you know yourself as you get older it will get harder to meet someone new. If you are sure you're not waiting for something better round the corner, what exactly is holding you back?

Even if you do go onto the next bit and it doesn't work out, you'll sort it out - it's not the end of the world.

LegacyUser

I completely agree that I have a lot to learn about relationships. Which is why I've come on boards.ie to ask the questions I've asked.
Most other relationships ended because of the drama.
I don't want drama now.
But I've heard so many people say 'You'll just KNOW when the right man comes along'.
And I've never just known. Never. I'd never lived with anyone, I'm so afraid to commit because what if it all goes wrong? Like I said, I've lived alone for too long - I've wanted to meet someone like this man for so long, and now I've met him and am so confused....

We have discussed the idea of renting one or other house- but he's a bit of an 'all or nothing man' which I can understand. His idea is that we either commit to each other, or we don't. End of.
I'm a bit of a 'I'm afraid of committment' girl but desperately want to change.
Like I said, I've driven so many people away over the years. Looking back, it was always out of fear of 'what if he doesnt really love me..' so rather than face the rejection of that, I'd break it off with a bf at the time...
I also said I've alot of family stuff that I'm working through (thank god for counsellors) and I know this fear is related to some stuff from my past. But I think I should just cop on now and am trying to figure out how I do that?

dudara

It sounds as if you have the makings of a good relationship. I think you need to confront your fear of 'settling down' and make a clear decision about this man.

However, you don't mention the physical aspect of your relationship? Are you happy with it? I ask this because I am trying to determine your motivations for being 'cautious' of this relationship.

mood

How long are you with him? If it's 6 months no wonder you freaked out with talk of sell a house etc but if you are with him a long time you need to ask your self if you really love him.

I wouldn't sell any house. You can still live together without selling up, even rent out one house.

LegacyUser

TitoPuente wrote: »

But I'd be inclined to let the guy go. Allow him to find someone that will appreciate him and not feel like they're "settling" just because he's not providing them with the drama that they need.

For a woman in her 40's you sound like you have an awful lot to learn about what relationships *should* be.

Sorry Tito, but it sounds like you have alot to learn too. Everybody has issues; if we all ran away from relationships without confronting them and growing then none of us would have relationships at all. And growing doesn't stop because you're in your forties.

OP, you already know that this is something you should work through. Forget all that 'when you meet the one, you'll know' nonsense. I've been happily married twice and there are lots of other men out there I could have married. I don't even believe in 'the one'. If something works, then put the work into keeping it working. A few sessions with a counsellor might really help you, as you're already asking all the right questions.

Don't sell any houses yet, but enjoy what you have.

LegacyUser

I don't think we'd be in a position to sell any houses just yet anyhow!

To answer a few questions - the physical side is great, no complaints there.
We've been together just over a year. I know he's looking for a 'life change' and has been for a while - and I sometimes wonder if he's with me because I just happened to come along around the time he was ready to change....is that me being overly insecure???

vicecreamsundae

i don't think you always *just know* when someone is right.don't worry.
i think you should definitely give living together a go, but don't sell a house yet.
I know you said your boyfriend is "all or nothing" but explain to him that you've never lived with anyone before, and his all or nothing approach is putting too much pressure on you -a trial run of living together for six months is a compromise and one he should be willing to make if he's this serious about you.

LegacyUser

If you have spend 25+ years as an adult being in and out of relationships, then its not surprising that you feel slighlty worried at commiting as you have had independence of one form or another for so long.

I can relate to you in that I have never completely felt 'this is it'. I suppose I have settled with my now wife but I am very happy. I love her (I think) - whatever that means but thats another post.

You need to look inside yourself and see what you want. Do you want your independence or do you want to be in a serious relationship?

LegacyUser

Oh we've had the talk about not selling houses. He's looking at the idea of renting out one place or the other as caging our bets. He maintains he 100% sure about how he feels for me...it does feel like pressure sometimes, but I've tried to talk to him about it. And while he hasn't quite given me an ultimatum to make a decision either way, it's like the elephant in the room everytime we're together lately....
I know how I feel about him. I know I'm also afraid that it will all go pear shaped....But THIS is exactly the reason why im still single and in my 40s. Always afraid to take the step for fear of it not working out...whats this they say "A life lived in fear is a life half lived'
Well meet the woman with half a life....

kenbrady

Settling wrote: »

I'm so afraid to commit because what if it all goes wrong?

rather than face the rejection of that, I'd break it off with a bf at the time...

Settling wrote: »

I sometimes wonder if he's with me because I just happened to come along around the time he was ready to change....is that me being overly insecure???

You are not settling, he is not settling. The problem is as you stated above. You have to grow up and take a risk some time. You have denied yourself love and happiness because you are afraid and trying to protect yourself. One of the most exciting things about a relationship is that you have to take a chance. If you are constantly holding yourself back you are not truely living.

LegacyUser

Growing up for me was drama. I've realised lately that its my learned behaviour that I'm used to. As much as I suffered as a kid - my folks argued 24/7, have some older brothers who physically assaulted each other regularly - quite a violent household. Im often grateful no one touched me. But then a witness to violence, is a victim of violence.
I think as a kid I just grew up in what I can only describe as a very loud and dramatic house. And not that I want to repeat that, but on some level, maybe it's what i'm used to??? So when this 'comfort' in a relationship kicks in, I want to run for the hills... Physician heal thyself eh...?
Someone asked am I bored? No would be the answer to that...and the last poster is right - I have to grow up.

Emme

There are women in their 30s and 40s who would kill to be in the OPs shoes. I would advise her to do one of two things:

1) Let her or her OH move into one of each others homes to live together for 6 months, see how it goes and rent the other house (whoever owns it) out for that period of time. Why sell a house? I would advise any woman who has a house and can afford to hang onto it to do so regardless of whether she's single or in any sort of committed relationship. The OPs partner should respect her wishes to keep her house - she probably worked hard for it.

2) Let him go - if he wishes he will find somebody else in no time as single eligible men in their late 30s and 40s are as rare as hens' teeth.

Why is the OP spooked by comfort? Comfort is falling asleep safe and secure in somebody's arms after making love. Excitement is being kicked out of the bed after being shagged and having to make your way home alone on a cold rainy night. Is comfort all that bad?

LegacyUser

Thanks Emme.
To be honest, there's no way I'm selling my house! You're right, I worked mighty hard for it and will not be giving it up anytime soon. If a house is to be sold, it will be his house. This is his idea after all.
You're so right about nothing being wrong with comfort. And I hve been that woman walking home in the rain.
As I've said before, time to grow up I think...

LegacyUser

Why do you think you "have" to move in with this guy? Just because a lot of people do the moving in thing together doesnt mean its what you have to do. Do what feels right for you, what feels comfortable. If moving in with this guy freaks you out so much, dont move in with him. I dont live with my girl friend, we both have our own places and everythign is great between us. I mean we stay over in each others places regularly but we dont stay long term. I think the space we each have is ideal. This pressure for couples to do what others do and move in together..........I'll never get it. I mean if you truly want to move in with another person and they want to live with you, then great. But if youre not into it, dont do it for the sake of keeping somebody happy or doing the done thing. Because if you do move in and youre not ready I just think that would be detrimental to the relationship.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. You could be telling my story. I'm in my forties and met somebody six months ago after a long time being single. He was more into me at the start. I fell in love gradually with him, never had the big Wow moment, but know now that it's real. I did worry like you that I just happened along for him at a time that was right for him to settle down, but then again he came into my life at the right time for me too, so thats a two way thing.

We practically live together in his house but I never feel completely at home there if you know what I mean. If we ever do decide to make it a permanent thing, I will be making sure we sell both houses & start afresh in a totally new house so that we are both equal partners. Maybe this is something you should consider too.

I think you should hold on to love if you've found it. I have some days when I wonder too if I am staying in my relationship for the right reasons but I do love him and know that he loves me, and to find love at any age is a wonderful thing but especially later in life.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I didn't read all of the posts so my apologies if my advice is out of wack. Anywho, my advice is to get into councelling before you sabatage this relationship. Sounds to me like you have a pattern of ruining any chance of happiness by being a "drama queen", you need to find out why that is and you need to change it. You have a choice; a) get help and go about changing your behaviour or b) accept being lonely and miserable or c) find a way to be a happy single person. Whatever your choose don't hurt that man, he sounds lovely.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I understand the nerves etc, but really, what's the worst that can happen? You break up? Well, been there done that, and so you move on and start over. Then again, what's the best that can happen? It's great and you're really happy together. I think you need to bite the bullet and just give it a go. I think your fear of settling is common - maybe it's a result of years of being told that when THE ONE comes along, there will be music, lightening, earth moving etc.... all Hollywood notions as far as I am concerned. And please, please, please stop using "my childhood" as the excuse/rationale/justification etc - you're in your 40s. You can recognise and analyse the situation so deal with it and move on. Are you going to let your childhood and your parents' arguing/drama dictate the ENTIRE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Do you want to be on you deathbed years from now wondering why you let other people's problems affect your life to the extent that you never had the relationship that you wanted? I don't mean to sound harsh - I suppose it's a personal frustration of mine that people are so able to tell you why they behave the way they do, but then don't actually do anything to change! What a waste!!

I'm glad that you said you won't sell your house - I think it's a ridiculous expectation for you both to pool your assets at this point, and would suggest that you both rent out your respective houses and you rent somewhere together as a trial period. If he insists on selling his house and moving in with you, then you need to be very, very careful about what rights and entitlements he might have to your property after a certain amount of time. A friend of mine was in the same situation and essentially said to her partner that if he wanted to move in then he should buy half her house from her, that she would keep that money in trust and that if they were to split up he'd receive that back. It was her guarantee that he wasn't going to try to walk away with the assets that she had worked so hard to build. Let him put his money where is mouth is. Women really do need to protect themselves as well.

Good luck!