Does anybody really care about anybody else?

LegacyUser

Just wondering if anyone else feels that absolutely everyone only cares about themselves at the end of the day. I have been fighting depression, and an eating disorder for well over a year and every time I try to ask for help, I get a few minutes consoling or advice before the conversation inevitably moves back to the person I'm talking too. I help absolutely everyone else, family members and friends, yet when I feel I need help I always feel at a lose as to who to turn too and when I do as I said, if I say "I'm not feeling great" the response will be, "oh I know, I've been feeling pretty bad recently too... and then I end up listening offering advice and never asking for the help I need. Perhaps I'm just as selfish thinking this way, but I just feel I'd like someone to recognise that I need help for a change.

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

Just wondering if anyone else feels that absolutely everyone only cares about themselves at the end of the day. I have been fighting depression, and an eating disorder for well over a year and every time I try to ask for help, I get a few minutes consoling or advice before the conversation inevitably moves back to the person I'm talking too. I help absolutely everyone else, family members and friends, yet when I feel I need help I always feel at a lose as to who to turn too and when I do as I said, if I say "I'm not feeling great" the response will be, "oh I know, I've been feeling pretty bad recently too... and then I end up listening offering advice and never asking for the help I need. Perhaps I'm just as selfish thinking this way, but I just feel I'd like someone to recognise that I need help for a change.

For most people only for brief periods in their lives when they are madly in love, are the parent of a young child or for even briefer periods have taken certain drugs, will they ever truly care about anyone else to a degree that comes close to how much they care about themselves.

Going about your daily life not looking after #1 first is counter-evolutionary (not to say we're all completely selfish though).

LegacyUser

Yes, people do care e.g. I just came here specifically because I decided I'd like to say something caring to someone (as I have terrible karma! - joking!).

So I'll do my best...

Imagine you had an accident and were in hospital. People would rally around, wouldn't they?
Something like an accident or a tragedy shows that people care, but its also a much easier format for them to show they care. Its not ambiguous and they know how to react.

Is it possible that you're not really communicating the extent of your problems? Or perhaps some of the people you're trying to communicate with don't have the maturity to recognise what you're really saying, or to handle it?

I've had a lot of problems over the past year or two myself, and after a certain point I stopped communicating with my friends about my problems, unless they asked first, as I wasn't making much progress with my own problems, which made things difficult for them... they couldn't live my life for me, and I was embarrassed that I wasn't making progress. I continued to share with my partner and I started therapy - which has been brilliant, because it gives me space to offload to someone who's not going to be personally upset or annoyed or irritated or sad about whether I'm making progress or not. Maybe you need that kind of structured help, as sometimes, although they care, friends and family cannot be the people to help.

Also you say you've had an eating disorder. I suffered that way myself for a few years as a teenager and it was hell. It was also something that family and friends had no ability to understand. I barely even understand it myself twenty years later.

So how about trying a counsellor?

I don't mean to say stop communicating with the people in your life. Open up to them, by all means, thats a healthy thing to do, and its important that they understand you are troubled. But you have enough problems without being upset by their reactions or inability to deal with you. If you are getting good support somewhere else, it might just be enough to tell them that you are troubled and that you are working on it, and then if they want to be more involved they will follow on from there.

I'm sure you'll get through this. Best of luck.

Reesy

Some of my friends [there, I'm talking about myself!] tend to be the ones that help other people, & never get asked about themselves. When you're in need, nobody seems to find out. Maybe some of your relationships have been like that & people don't know to listen to you, ask questions and listen good?

BTW I understand that the Samaritans are good listeners. You might consider calling them.

Good luck.

Cheap Thrills!

People get compassion fatigue, especially if a friend/relative is particularly needy. To be honest people with eating disorders I would feel would be a bottomless pit of need and I will be honest if I knew a person with that problem I would have to ration my compassion iykwim. As brutal as that might seem to you thats the truth. I'd be afraid they'd pull me under with them.

Seems brutal but its just self preservation. You might give others very high quality support yourself but that doesen't guarantee you will get that back. So don't expect that. People will only give what they are willing to give.

The main person that can help you is yourself. You have to be your own carer.