Here we go again.....

LegacyUser

Boyfriend and myself together 2.5 years, living together about 2 years. Its my place, we split the bills and he gives me half the mortgage.

I love the first part of a relationship where the couple can't get enough of each other but although we are both still highly sexed people I can tell his interest has tailed off as it does around this time.

I notice what happens around this phase of a relationship is the man gets increasingly clingy and smothering to cover the fact that he is fantasising like crazy about other women. I feel they frighten themselves so cling on all the harder. I mean he would be scared and panicked probably finding new accommodation and also he would miss me as a person I would say even though he is feeling the pressure now of having to r1de one woman for the foreseeable. Before anyone suggests spicing it up, we do everything and our sex life is still fantastic but you can't beat the thrill of the new, we both understand that. I don't deny it.

Well, its out in the open now. I am after scarpering out of the place because I literally cant stand the sight of the place. It just reminds me of the fake and phoney life we started to have there. Thing is I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm sick moving, changing fcuking bill addresses, hauling sh1t around, plus I don't have money to rent another place. I really hate my house, its claustrophobic.

He's got a fright and backpeddaled and is saying he had doubts but really wants me and even offered me kids etc But I can recognise a panicked and desperate man a mile away, they'd say anything when they know you are about to abandon them. Anyway Im not interested in kids and neither is he, he's just telling me what he thinks women want to hear. ARGH!!!

He's putting his back into a campaign to get me back. IF I had somewhere else to go I would march. I HATE the house and to make matters even worse we work together.

I'm so sick of this routine, it will be back and forth now. If I do go back rosy for a week or two then back to situation stifling. I'm very, very fond of this lad, but realistically speaking he needs a prettier, softer girl than me. Even the p0rn we like is different. He likes sort of girls kissing softly and 'sensuously' which makes my skin crawl and I'd prefer something a lot rawer. He can't separate emotions from sex. Wheras I can.

I do love him but I am realistic. I'm not going to hold his interest. We will get back, grow bored, smother each other....cycle ad infinitum. I will be secretly going off my nut and despising myself for playing the part and he will secretly resent me for being a dull live in girlfriend.

Once I see the lust go out of a mans eyes its over for me. I'm sick of moving around and starting again. It happens no matter how well you pick.

ravima

do you love him?

LegacyUser

ravima wrote: »

do you love him?

Yeah, I do.

kenbrady

hate this part wrote: »

I can tell his interest has tailed off as it does around this time.

to cover the fact that he is fantasising like crazy about other women.

I would say even though he is feeling the pressure now of having to r1de one woman for the foreseeable.

but realistically speaking he needs a prettier, softer girl than me.

I do love him but I am realistic. I'm not going to hold his interest.

he will secretly resent me for being a dull live in girlfriend.

Once I see the lust go out of a mans eyes its over for me.

You seem to think this is 100% the truth. Did he say the above to you ?
IF not them you are a great mind reader.
Are you sure the above did not happen to you in a previous relationship. Now you are assuming your boyfriends is the same and this will happen again.
I think you are putting words in his mouth, based on your own insecurities and fear he will leave. You want to end the relationship to save yourself the pain of him doing it.

I doubt what you wrote is correct and I think it's all in your head. Do you really thing he would offer to have children with you. Just to save himself the hassle of breaking up and having to find some where new to live ?????

Taltos

Have you tried just being honest with him - not hurtfully honest - but lets not sugar coat it either. He can't read your mind and we have no way of knowing if he got all clingy before or after you started showing symptoms of going nuts with it all.

a) Do you really hate your place?
b) is it just being in a relationship you hate?
c) Do you just need some time alone - away from the cling...
d) maybe agree for one night or day where you just get your own space.
I can only imagine what it is like - you work with the dude and then you come home to him. When do you each get a break.

Also - this fantasizing crap you spoke about - please don't paint us all with the same brush.
Maybe he just sees you pulling away and he doesn't want to lose you and so he tries - just the wrong way as you never told him - or maybe he is hooking up elsewhere and is guilty - not likely - just showing you there can be a 1001 reasons.

Only one thing can fix this and this is an honest chat - but before you do - try to get straight in your own head what it is you want - now - and later. Don't string him along here. Maybe even give him a heads up you want the CHAT so he is not hijacked and has time to think too of what he wants.
Set groundrules - you each get to talk - you each listen - and when both have spoken then and only then ask questions...

Best of luck. Hope you get your head straight.

p.s. If you are scripting out your life and your relationships as it appears to me - then this will happen everytime. We all have a bad one or 2 - but to let them shape how all the comes after - well - that's not right.

LegacyUser

eh, its all out in the open. He fantasises about celebs/women he works with/sees on the bus/porn whatever, the usual. He has always admitted those things, I mean he is a normal man. I am not a naive girl. Its just I thought we were stronger than we were, then it turns out he had been having doubts, which I rightly spotted and he admitted, but only when I brought it up.

Its set me on edge now. I know he wants to be faithful but a man as horny as him, its just not realistic, he will buckle someday, he wont be able to help himself. I mean I know, I was a girl he chased once upon a time.

He was proud of the fact he had had chances when we were out and I was asleep drunk etc and he knocked the women back. But he made it clear it was a sacrifice. I mean so there you are, fresh meat. How can I stand a chance against that. He is way hotter than me also so he gets a lot of attention from women.

We talked on the phone earlier, I am meeting him tomorrow.

TitoPuente

hate this part wrote: »

He likes sort of girls kissing softly and 'sensuously' which makes my skin crawl and I'd prefer something a lot rawer. He can't separate emotions from sex. Wheras I can.

Despite what popular culture tells you, most men want a partner that they can be tender with and make love to. If all you're after is rough sex all the time and the intimacy is more lustful and aggressive than tender... well that would turn nearly every man off eventually. I know I'm not addressing your point here but I had an ex who just liked rough sex all the time. It was great for a while... but it got very boring and impersonal very quickly.

LegacyUser

TitoPuente wrote: »

Despite what popular culture tells you, most men want a partner that they can be tender with and make love to. If all you're after is rough sex all the time and the intimacy is more lustful and aggressive than tender... well that would turn nearly every man off eventually. I know I'm not addressing your point here but I had an ex who just liked rough sex all the time. It was great for a while... but it got very boring and impersonal very quickly.

That is a penny that dropped with me last weekend actually. He uses the phrase 'make love' which I always thought was an ironic joke. He likes more softcore and romantic stuff, which slightly creeps me out. All that languid, slow touching makes me want to scream, I cant explain why.....

I offered to swing with him thinking maybe it would be a way for him to release his frustrations but he wasn't interested, more upset by the idea.

I can go with whatever flow required, the whole making love thing I can try although I inside I would want to burst out laughing.

TitoPuente

hate this part wrote: »

He uses the phrase 'make love' which I always thought was an ironic joke.

Yeah... can't say I've ever used the term myself. Not really a 'manly' term as programmed into us by society.

hate this part wrote: »

I can go with whatever flow required, the whole making love thing I can try although I inside I would want to burst out laughing.

You're probably better off breaking up with him then and meeting someone who views sex as a cold, hard mechanism the way you do. I'm not judging you or anything - some people are just romantic/lovey-dovey and others just like to be f**ked hard sideways. The two opposites never work in a relationship though.

LegacyUser

TitoPuente wrote: »

You're probably better off breaking up with him then and meeting someone who views sex as a cold, hard mechanism the way you do. I'm not judging you or anything - some people are just romantic/lovey-dovey and others just like to be f**ked hard sideways. The two opposites never work in a relationship though.

I am shocked that you think I am cold....we have got on great till now. I really love him, I didn't know about the sexual styles being different until last weekend. I mean I can change....do you think that would be the breakthrough...or is it jsut a side issue..?

I just didn't understand before. What upsets me is that if he cant separate love from sex I would find it difficult to forgive him cheating because he would get feelings and emotions for the other person. Just letting off steam I could forgive cos it wouldn't mean anything.

Taltos

hate this part wrote: »

Its set me on edge now. I know he wants to be faithful but a man as horny as him, its just not realistic, he will buckle someday, he wont be able to help himself. I mean I know, I was a girl he chased once upon a time.

He was proud of the fact he had had chances when we were out and I was asleep drunk etc and he knocked the women back. But he made it clear it was a sacrifice. I mean so there you are, fresh meat. How can I stand a chance against that. He is way hotter than me also so he gets a lot of attention from women.

I am sorry OP - but your view on men and not being able to be faithful is just screaming at me - distorted view.
I am not sure what stories you or your "partner" are telling you but I really recommend strongly that you wake up to yourself.

Cheating is not acceptable - why do you not value yourself enough to see this? Just accepting that he will cheat cause he is a man is pure BS.
Look - I have been with my OH for 16 yrs now, and I also have a higher sex drive - in all that time I have not even kissed another woman. - There is a thing called self-control and respect - of myself and my partner.

Some couples do have open relationships - but I have no experience there and so am not qualified. I just know it is not for me.

Maybe you need to consider taking a long break from him and all men and getting your own mind in order - don't settle and above all else learn to value yourself. Maybe I am totally off the ball - I can only go on what I am reading - so maybe I am mistaken.

PopUp

hate this part wrote: »

That is a penny that dropped with me last weekend actually. He uses the phrase 'make love' which I always thought was an ironic joke. He likes more softcore and romantic stuff, which slightly creeps me out. All that languid, slow touching makes me want to scream, I cant explain why.....

I offered to swing with him thinking maybe it would be a way for him to release his frustrations but he wasn't interested, more upset by the idea.

I can go with whatever flow required, the whole making love thing I can try although I inside I would want to burst out laughing.

He isn't going to leave you. He isn't going to cheat on you. He doesn't want a 'softer' girl. He is in love with you.

The problem is that you aren't in love with him.

There is a stereotype that women are the ones that want commitment and men have to be dragged to the altar. It's bull****. Some people want commitment - they can be male or female and they can want it or hate it depending on the person they are with.

Your partner wants the long haul with you.

But you clearly do not want it with him. That's fine. You have hit the 2-3 year mark and this is a natural point in relationships where a lot of people assess the long term aspect and a lot of the time people decide it isn't going to work out. It doesn't make you a bad person or anything.

But stop trying to make this about him and his issues. He doesn't want to break up and you can't twist it to make it 'his' fault. YOU are not that into the relationship and when one person isn't into it it's nobody's 'fault'. Move your stuff out. Have one last 'break up' conversation and then take a break from communicating with each other so you can get over each other.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

I AM in love with him. Its just very hard to express that outwardly. Very hard to trust and 'let go' Its very, very, hard. I am introverted emotionally. When I try to say things I cant or I feel I will break or something bad will happen. I like to remain controlled.

People stay with each other for ALL SORTS of reasons: lonliness, habit, fear of being alone etc

I know sexually I might be disconnected emotionally but now that I can see that I can learn how to change. I really love him and will do anything to keep him.

LegacyUser

"What upsets me is that if he cant separate love from sex"

so why are you so worried that he'll cheat?
everyone fantasises, it doesn't mean he's going to do anything..

from your opening rant it's kinda hard to tell what the problem is, are you just letting paranoia eat you up? are you getting claustrophobic?
if you need space, why don't you ask him to move out for a while and give you some space to sort your head out

Wagon

hate this part wrote: »

I just didn't understand before. What upsets me is that if he cant separate love from sex I would find it difficult to forgive him cheating because he would get feelings and emotions for the other person. Just letting off steam I could forgive cos it wouldn't mean anything.

Yes it would, it would mean that he values a quick shag with some "fresh meat" more than a relationship with you.

The problem is you. Sorry. You can't try and blame it on him and from what you posted, no, i dont think you love him.