Partner has Depression

LegacyUser

Hi,

To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m writing this. I guess I’m looking for a magic cure to make everything ok.
My partner suffers from depression and has done since I’ve known him, but it’s only since moving in together two years ago that I’ve realised the full extent of it when times are bad.

About 60 percent of the time things are fine with him and when they are you could not find a better more loving, giving partner. But when times are bad I feel like running away and starting over anew.
The last few months have been more bad than good.
I feel like I have to mother him a lot of the time.
But mainly I feel useless to help.

I think it’s the combination of the mothering and feeling useless that has led me to have hardly any sexual feelings for him at all.
This usually isn’t a problem as his depression has killed off his libido anyway.
But we’re both relatively young and it’s sad to have to neglect this part of life for the foreseeable future.
But love conquers over sex hands down doesn’t it?

Just thinking about leaving him has me wracked with guilt.
We’ve been together just over 5 years and although he has friends and family, I’m the only one who is standing by him.
He tries to convince me that I’ve made a big change for the better in his life and that he’d be dead long ago if it wasn’t for me.
Half of me thinks that it’s a good thing that we found each other, but the other half feels completely trapped by statements like these.
If I did leave him, would it be as good as telling him that I don’t’ care what happens to him?

His parents know what’s going on with him but don’t want to get involved as they think that he’ll just want financial backing from them for flash in the pan therapies that he’ll give up on a few months down the line.
I don’t think they know how serious this is and it’s not their place to worry about the toll being his sole support is taking on me.

My parents think the world of him, but they’re not the most open minded of people and would think less of him if they knew he was ill. And to be honest they have enough on their plate to deal with without worrying about me (and they would, big time).
I’d feel silly seeing someone professionally as it’s not actually me that’s unwell.
Paying someone to listen to be bitch about my sick boyfriend seems a little scummy to me.
I’ve spoken to a few friends about small aspects of things but I usually end up crying too much to actually get anything out.
I also don’t want to fall into the trap of losing a friend and gaining an agony aunt who’s soon to get sick of me, instead.

Every day I tell him I love him automatically, I just don’t know if I mean it anymore though. I’m falling into the grass is greener state of mind and find myself day dreaming about other people or even ex-flings who at the time really meant nothing to me other than a school girl crush.
Surely if I loved him, I wouldn’t be thinking like this?
I feel so so guilty for thinking like this but the few minutes I get where I can forget reality and responsibility are becoming almost precious to me.

Has anyone out there been through anything similar?
Are there any support groups/boards out there that help people who live with depression sufferers?
With the huge numbers of people out there suffering from depression, there has to be other people who have supported someone with it and gotten through at the other end.
I think I just need some encouragement to stick at it, that it will all be worth it in the end., we’ll have the happy life together that we both want and are working towards and my fantasy life is just an escape and it doesn’t mean that I don’t love my partner.

Thank you for reading my absurdly long post by the way.

Any advise is appreciated.

Sharlovesjohn

You cant feel guilty for feeling like you want out you seem to be the only one there for him which can be alot to handle
Ive read briefly through your post and see no mention of your partner recieving help?
if he is could it be a change in medication why he's suddenly gone futher down?
if not then I would say look into it

You cant help him untill you start helping yourself you say you find it silly to talk to someone when your not suffering as bad as him but your still suffering it can be alot for a non sufferer to deal with depession when you cant understand why their so sad when they say they are happy with relationship job life etc
Your listen to his problems but who's listen to yours? You can only go so far before you feel like your burding your friends right?

straricco

Been in similiar situation and it can be the most lonely place in the world. My conclusion in the end was to ask myself who do I value the most, me or him. My experience with a partners depression is that to help them you basically have to give up your own life, and are you willing to do that?

But of course if he agrees to seek professional help it could be a different story.

All the best, really mean that.

Emme

straricco wrote: »

Been in similiar situation and it can be the most lonely place in the world. My conclusion in the end was to ask myself who do I value the most, me or him. My experience with a partners depression is that to help them you basically have to give up your own life, and are you willing to do that?

But of course if he agrees to seek professional help it could be a different story.

All the best, really mean that.

I also had a partner with alcoholism/depression and it was a struggle from start to finish. In his good moments he was great, but he could be vicious and abusive in his bad moods. He got so abusive that I had to end it, but even if he hadn't been abusive I would have had to end it anyway. These people can be a bottomless pit, sucking energy from everyone around them but always begging for more. I know it sounds awful, but I think that deep down some depressed people don't want to change because they know that their depression gives them power they wouldn't have otherwise. I have close family members who suffer from depression as well.

The OP shouldn't feel guilty for going to counselling. A good counsellor will advise her and help her decide if she wants to continue down the road with her bf or disentangle herself.

I know that good guys are hard to find, even good guys with flaws but you can't "fix" anyone, they have to decide to help themselves.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi
My Husband has long term depression, in the ten years I have known him he has had two major break downs and minor spells. He has always followed medical advice and has never been abusive only despondent.

Depression is a horrible disease, when your boyfriend is well does he talk about it and has he sought support external from you - he needs this. The best advise i Got was from a Cognitive Behaviour therapy, he told me I was not his mother my "caring" which meant me doing everything for him was actually making it appear in his head he was unable to do things he needed me to do them. This broke our cycle, changed our relationship and gave us guidence. Sex does go when things are very bad but we have been lucky in that regards. We are ten years on with a little boy and a relationship that has had the benefit of being challenged by this - I know myself inside out because of the help we accessed as a couple.

If you break up - you are not responsible for his feelings or his care. He is. If you stay together you are not responsible for his depression nor are you his carer - this is hard it takes help from various supports do get help it could be the saving of you both.

There are support groups through AWARE for the family members and it can be helpful to have that outlet - if you get angry or frustrated that is okay you are human you are not a robot. I wish you a lot of patience and I do hope you are happy whatever happens.

collegegal

I'm in a pretty similar situation myself. I moved in with my partner just over a year ago. To be honest I never noticed he was depressed till I moved in. At the start it was great, we were getting on perfectly but I've found since just before Xmas he's gradually getting worse. His job is on the brink of redundancy and money is constantly at a stretch. I never know what humour he's going to be in and its really wearing me down trying to always 'be there'.
As I write this, I feel selfish and feel like I'm betraying him but I'm at the stage now where I just don't know what to do anymore. I try and listen to him when he needs to talk and handle things, but then he just flips out at me as if I'm doing nothing to support him. I'm constantly keeping the house ticking over and never ask anything of him. I'm so worried yet on the other hand I am fed up picking up the pieces...is this selfish?? I just don't know what to do anymore...
Sorry OP for what your going through but your not alone.

pookie82

People who suffer from depression are inherently selfish. This is not due to some perverse desire to only put themselves first and be nasty to others, it's a basic survival instinct and impossible to avoid when you are incapable of looking outside of your own misery.

I could have written the OP two years ago (well, most of it). Apart from my OH going back on meds and making huge leaps in terms of recovery, the other method to my "survival" was actually regaining some "selfishness" for myself. It's all too easy to think that you're the only person who could possibly help them, that you're all they have, that if you somehow fail them you're a bad person and that you always have to be the strong one. That facade will crack eventually whether you want it to or not. No one is superhuman. You need to take time out - physical time out/mental time out, whatever helps you get some space. You're not his mother, or his carer, you're his partner. Sometimes you will lose your patience and want out and that doesn't make you a bad person.

You need to explain to him that regardless of his misery, you, too have a life and need to live it, and that while you love him and want to make things work, you're not going to see him through this unless he tries to see himself through.

Take back your own life, stop feeling guilty and let him know that although you're supportive, you're not a crutch. If he's not getting medical advice, insist that the time has come to seek it. If you're going to be in this together, for better or for worse, he needs to work at it too and give a little.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies.

It means the world to me that I'm not the only one who can feel like this.

Knowing that I wouldn't be a terrible human being for considering leaving take such a huge weight off me.
And best of all knowing that couples out there can live through depression and stay together gives me hope that I can keep going on.

I'm going to get onto Aware as soon as I get the nerve to inquire about support groups for family member.

My partner does seek help, but sometimes anxiety gets the better of him and he doesn't follow everything through and then we end up back at square one all over again.
And time between appointments can seem like an eternity to wait for.

I really can't thank you all enough for replying.
Thanks.

pookie82

Guilty Carer wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your replies.

It means the world to me that I'm not the only one who can feel like this.

Knowing that I wouldn't be a terrible human being for considering leaving take such a huge weight off me.
And best of all knowing that couples out there can live through depression and stay together gives me hope that I can keep going on.

I'm going to get onto Aware as soon as I get the nerve to inquire about support groups for family member.

My partner does seek help, but sometimes anxiety gets the better of him and he doesn't follow everything through and then we end up back at square one all over again.
And time between appointments can seem like an eternity to wait for.

I really can't thank you all enough for replying.
Thanks.

There's definitely hope on the other side of depression, and despite all of the caring "warnings" I received from family and friends when I embarked upon my current relationship, I couldn't be happier now, and it IS possible to make it work.

By the same token though, there will be times where it's just not possible, even given your best shot, and only you can be the judge of whether you can't cope anymore and need to get away. There's absolutely no shame in bowing out if it gets too much - relationships are based on compromise and communication - if you end up being someone's full time crutch they will break down pretty fast.

Feel free to pm me if you're ever having a hard day or need advice.

Best of luck.