Cheating fiance???

sweetie12

Is it possible 4 a woman to not have any idea her fiance is a cheat i'm invited to a wedding soon and i know the guy has cheated numerous times with various woman from all walks of life in work on the net out with the lads how can he have a shower and put on the love act??? i'm going out with a childhood friend of his, i feel like a guilt when i'm with the girl!? I would rather know the trith but all the lads say he is in love with her but HELLO!!!???? what about loyalty??? HE must be one hell of a liar! any ideas on what to do???

LegacyUser

Keep out of it. I once told a very close friend that her OH cheated. He admitted it but she still stayed with him and I was treated like the lying/cheating party!

sweetie12

i have discussed it with his closest friends and they have told they hate it but they say its not their place to say anythin its his life and he can waste it. But the girl in question is lovely and he is soo loved up when they are together. can u imagine if he gave her infections? I have lost all respect for him but i wouldn't let it show seemingly his dad isnt much better and his brother but i just feel it's so sad like seriously stay bloody single if u like playing around??? he's a good looking charming cheeky lad and i can see how he gets the ladies but look at the bigger picture. It's sad and he is obviously craving more attention or something!

OS119

assuming you are absolutely sure of your facts, as well as being absolutely sure that she doesn't know about his more recent indiscretions, then i'd tell her.

i'd also expect her to treat you like you pissed on her kids on Christmas morning, but sadly one of the downsides of being a real friend is that sometimes you get to tell people things they don't like, and then they react badly...

if she chooses to enter into a marriage with a cheat that's her problem and absolutely none of your business, however if you genuinely believe that she is being decieved about the nature of the relationship while walking up the aisle and legally and financially handcuffing herself to this guy forever more, then yes, as a friend (though probably not for much longer) its probably your duty to talk to her.

don't expect to be thanked for it, and expect to be slagged down by all and sundry.

mood

OS119 wrote: »

assuming you are absolutely sure of your facts, as well as being absolutely sure that she doesn't know about his more recent indiscretions, then i'd tell her.

i'd also expect her to treat you like you pissed on her kids on Christmas morning, but sadly one of the downsides of being a real friend is that sometimes you get to tell people things they don't like, and then they react badly...

if she chooses to enter into a marriage with a cheat that's her problem and absolutely none of your business, however if you genuinely believe that she is being decieved about the nature of the relationship while walking up the aisle and legally and financially handcuffing herself to this guy forever more, then yes, as a friend (though probably not for much longer) its probably your duty to talk to her.

don't expect to be thanked for it, and expect to be slagged down by all and sundry.

The OP is the girls fiances friends girlfriend so might not even be considered a 'friend'. Why not try talking to one of her friends about it not his. But to be honest I seen things like this before and you most likely will be the one coming out of the situation bad not the cheating guy. Also don't do anything without talking to your boyfriend or you run the risk of damaging your relationship.

Barracudaincork

I know of one couple who got married and he was sleeping with loads of women. Everyone thought he was cheating, but he wasnt, she just didnt have an interest in sex and never wanted it etc etc and was happy for him to get his fun elsewhere aslong as he came to her at night. STI's etc arent an issue for her as she doesnt have sex with her husband. This couple were in their late 30's.

Could this be the case here in any shape or form op?

Anyhow case or not, id keep my nose out if i was you, you wouldnt be thanked for it by her etc

Sharlovesjohn

If I was about to marry a man who has been cheating on me I'd like to know saves heart ache down the line - know of someone who's dad had another family before his parents married cause alot of heart ache


Maybe approach the guy if you really feel like you got to say something

The truth hurts....

seahorse

Personally if I found out that I had stood up to marry a man in front of a group of people who knew my then-fiancee had been cheating and said nothing, I would consider that group of people nothing other than a shower of kunts.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Assuming you are very very sure that you are correct there is really only one way to look at this; do the right thing (tell her) or do the easy thing (don't tell her). Personally I couldn't let a girl I knew walk up the aisle knowing that the Groom was a cheating f*ck and she didn't know. I agree you will probably not be thanked for it but it is definatly the right thing to do.

I hope you find the courage to do the right thing,
Best of luck.

OS119

seahorse wrote: »

Personally if I found out that I had stood up to marry a man in front of a group of people who knew my then-fiancee had been cheating and said nothing, I would consider that group of people nothing other than a shower of kunts.

well indeed.

add to which, not only do you have the public humiliation of divorce, emotional hell of betrayal and losing all your 'friends' because they are ****e of the lowest order, but this bloke now owns half your house and can legally look to you for maintainence until the day he marries some other sap who's mates let her down.

OP, you've - given the somewhat peripheral nature of your friendship with this girl - very little to lose, and an awful lot to gain: to wit, possibly saving another person from an appalling fate.


meet her somewhere neutral - coffe shop or whatever - say 'i know you don't know me from adam' and be specific about your allegations (X girl on Y date at Z location). say you're very sorry, you understand that she may never want to speak to you again, and then ask her if you can take her anywhere - friends, parents etc...

duracell_bunny

Could you maybe let her know anonymously - even if she didn't believe it, it might give her enough suspicion to question it before she walked up the aisle. That way, if she does know and has chosen to ignore it, you haven't ruin your relationship with her (and possibly your bf's relationship with her fiancee).

LegacyUser

I agree with duracell_bunny, if there was a way to set up an e-mail account and send her an anonymous e-mail, with some details of one event, so it could be anyone, but something she could question and he may not have an excuse for...
I work with a girl who married a guy, thought he was the one, she caught him cheating 8 months into their marriage and in the fall-out, it came out that everyone around her, including some family members had known but thought he would settle and stayed out of it. She was seriously distraught, and had no one to turn to as her marriage collapsed, because she didnt trust anyone around her. Before i met this woman, i would have said stay out of it, but seeing what she went through, i feel awful. She wishes anyone had told her, a letter, a text, anything to have saved her the heartache of a divorce...!
The only consequence from telling her, is that you mightnt want to tell you boyfriend it was you, and that opens up a pretty big conflict for your relationship.
Good luck whatever you do.

How Strange

Personally I'd advise that you stay out of it.

IMO, it's none of your business. It may be disgusting and you may think she has a right to know but it's between her and her partner.

In situations like this the messenger is always shot and never thanked.

botbot

can't believe all the people saying to say nothing because of what might be said to or thought of you.. how incredibly selfish.
put yourself in her shoes, would you want to know?

possibly the anonomous thing is a good idea but maybe she'd think it was just someone who didn't like her trying to stir sh*t, if it was an email it might be spammed.. i think the best bet is to talk to one of her friends and offer to be the harbringer, a close friend would possibly suffer from the fallout whereas you probably won't.

if your boyfriend has a problem with you being either honest or decent then he has serious issues too [not insinuating he does just what people or warning] i'd be sure to tell him your intentions before you say anything

Wagon

Id tell her. Fúck this "keep your mouth shut" bull. I hate that being thrown around everywhere. It seems that a perfectly nice girl is about to marry an asshole. And who will get hurt out of all this? Her.

If i walked down an aisle to marry a woman who has cheated on me numerous times, while the majority of the assembled congregation knew exactly what went on they wouldn't hear from me for a long long time. And im sorry but your boyfriend and his mates sound like twats as well. My own mates would give me a royal kick in the hole if i carried on like this and vice versa as they're friends with my girlfriend. I don't believe you can love someone and cheat on them, especially frequently. It's not possible.

She might not believe you. I liked the suggestion of anonimity but i dont know how you'd go about it.

Shiny

Confront the boyfriend and panic him into doing something stupid. This
then exposes him and maintains your relationship with the girl ?

Regardless of the method, tell her!

Taltos

Personally I would need to know.
But I would also want facts not just the word of someone I barely know.

I think someone above captured it - dates, times, who or who else knows.

And maybe encourage her to bring someone with her... Cause once you tell her I doubt she will want you to help her in any further way.
Not sure about not telling you bf though - that to me is just another lie.

LegacyUser

seriously? you should tell her.. why people are still bothered getting married is beyond me.. the amount of married people cheating around me is shocking

AvaKinder

Do NOT let this girl marry a cheat. A relative of mine found out after nine months marriage that her husband had been sleeping with one of her best friends for years, and almost all of their friends knew about it and no one told her. This girl and her had been best friends practically since they were born (neighbours and maid of honour) and the devastion of knowing all her friends and his attended the wedding knowing this was going on almost killed her.
type a letter and send it to her with a typed address, create a new email/facebook account whatever but do something please. Do not let this girl ruin her life.

vicecreamsundae

completely agree with the "tell her anonymously" thing.
i wish more people would do that. i often here gossip about how someone is cheating and lots of people know but their partner doesn't. in those cases it's only hearsay to me, and i dont know the person... but if i knew it for sure, i would feel awful for them and would definitely want to let them know somehow.

i just know i'd want to know. and certainly before they are married.

be brave and do the right thing!
and yes like other people said, i wouldn't tell your boyfriend if i were you. it will only cause a rift and really there is no need for it to.

OS119

i disagree entirely with the idea of doing it annymously - not only because i think it very unlikely that it carries the weight of someone doing it face to face, but that the 'stalkery' element in some nameless person claiming to know all about her boyfriend would be the issue she'd be concerned with, rather than finding out if it were true.

if such a text/email/letter were sent to me my over-riding concern would be for my personal safety - i would be seriously concerned about the apparent stalking/obsessive/infatuation issues, and that would mean discussing the 'loon' aspect with my partner. finding out whether the stuff was true or not would be about no. 857 on my list of priorities...

doing it anonymously is probably gong to frighten the shit out of this girl, potentially push her further into the arms of the cheat, and make her very suspisous about the motives of whoever sent that information. bad move.

Alayna01

I think that you should tell the girl about the guy whom she is marrying. The poor girl needs to know what type of guy she is marrying. But try to do it anonymously, it wouldn’t be nice if the guy came to know that you were the one who told his fiancé about his past life.


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Cheating Spouse

seenitall

I agree with OS119 one hundred percent. Anonimity in conjuction with delivering her a message such as this has every probability of making her scared, uncertain and liable to side even more with her fiance, instead of inspiring confidence in the message and anger with the cheater.

The dilemma you are facing is the exact reason why everyone else is keeping schtum: it is so much easier (for them) not to bother about truthfulness. Why make (possibly serious) enemies out of her fiance, and maybe even her, if she goes into denial? To most people it is simply not worth it. Her well-being is unfortunately very low on their list of priorities, most folks are too wrapped up with their own self-interest to give a hoot.

So fair play to you if you decide to break the ranks, just be prepared, as other posters have already noted, for all kinds of unpleasant consequences for yourself, and I wouldn't be surprised if the situation tested your own relationship as well.

Tender Hoop

don't tell her. its none of you god damned business.

vicecreamsundae

it may not be the OPs business, but in my opinion it is most certainly the bride to be's business.

i get the points people are making about how if you do it anonymously it might scare her, but i think so long as you explained in the email [less creepy than letter] why you want to remain anonymous -dont want other mutual friends or the cheat himself making an enemy of you, it's understandable enough. definitely give details of places/dates he cheated so she can question him directly.

LegacyUser

Speaking as someone who has recently been caught cheating, I think you should tell her. I cheated on my fiance in the past (before we got engaged) and it came to light when a friend of a friend posted something on another website. Fiance read it and put two and two together. When confronted, I was in denial but now a week later, we're attending counselling and trying to work things out, I hope. It's still very touch and go and I do not know if my OH will ever have enough trust in me to give me another chance. I am gutted but I do not blame anyone but myself. I definitely do not blame the person who put up the initial post. In a way, I'm kind of glad. Tis better to have all this out in the open before we get married. Put it this way, if it was my sister, I'd want her to know