tiger woods has nothing on me

LegacyUser

Sorry for the long post I hope you can get through it .
I basically had a huge problem with sex I guess you could call it an addiction I have been that why since my early teens . I was in a long term relationship it was an abusive relationship he was/is an alcoholic and the pattern would be he would go missing for days come back in a bad state and when he decided to come back I would head off and find someone to have sex with .

Mostly one night stands but sometimes I would see different people for a few months . This went on for nearly 10 years . He would go missing and stay out all night sometimes for up to a week . While he was gone I would have sex with someone and even when he was trying to stay sober I would often looked for sex elsewhere anyways .

There where long periods were I remained faithful but it would always eventually end up with me having sex with some one .. About 2 years ago I decided that I had to do something about the situation, my behaviour and why I stayed in an abusive relationship. I left my partner and got counselling.

It was hard work but I have changed my life style and my self esteem. It took me a long time to come to terms with the underlying issues I had and to rid myself of the shame I felt . I know now that I couldn’t help myself I also know that I am a valuable person and worth proper Love and deserve a proper relationship . I will never fall back into that pattern again .

I meet a wonderful guy last year, we have a fabulous relationship and we have become very serious, we have even started recently talking about moving in together. My problem is as far as he is concerned I left a long term abusive relationship and have had very few partners I have not given him a specific number but based on what I have told him about ex boyfriends I think he has assumed it is something around 5 .

It is more likely in the thirties maybe more I really have no idea how many. I know that my last in relationship I was unfaithful with at least 12 different guys . I have never spoken to my new boyfriend about what my past was really like and I am terrified he will find out . Should I tell him ? I am terrified that he will leave me if I do . I really have no idea what to do .

Wagon

sunflower27 wrote: »

Well, without meaning to sound harsh, I'm from the 'it happened before I met you' brigade and therefore I dont think it's any of his business.

More importantly, he doesn't want to know. I was in his position before and i think that its nicer to lie about numbers in this case. An ex used to talk about her sex life before we met. so i dumped her.

LegacyUser

I don't think he needs know but if he asks you flat out how many people you have had sex with its best not to lie. Also, I assume you you were safe with all these guys and there was no risk to your sexual health that now may arise for your new partner

Bottle_of_Smoke

dont tell him, if he asks for a numer say 8

LegacyUser

unless he specifically asks, dont volunteer. usually, there are 2 reasons someone wants to know your 'number' - sexual health and insecurity on performance.

my advise if asked, is to turn the conversation around to sexual safety rather than numbers.

if he mentions numbers, make a point of saying you dont like to discuss previous realtionships much - his or yours, but if he wants you both to get tested for sti before discarding the condoms, tell him you think this is a great idea, and make an appointment for you both.

discourage talk of sexual history in general - its bad for a relationship anyway, hearing about possible better partners before the current one. tell him that you think its disrespectful to his exes he cared about at the time, and yours.

if he asks about cheating, say you did in the past and regret it deeply as something you would love to change, and never would do again.

there are subtle ways to let him know how he rocks your world.

lastly, fair play to you for working on your issues - that takes guts and you really have turned your life around - you deserve happiness, you have NO reason to feel guilty about your past. its made you who you are, and its a private matter for you alone. you dont owe anyone, no matter how much they love you, and explanation on your past sexual history as long as you are not likely to pass on an sti to him,

LegacyUser

hey OP, don't tell him the number. Ive slept with at least 3 times what you have and I never tell. Truth be told I dont know the real number myself.

My current BF has only slept with 6 women including me, so no way would I tell him the truth.

I reckon they know the truth deep down but trust me you don't want to rub it in.

As long as you've been safe and have a clean STD result, the the number is irrelevant.

Never EVER have that conversation. NOT a good idea.

LegacyUser

You can make all the excuses you want. Theres absolutely no reason not to tell your partner the number of people you have been with if they ask you straight our.

You can reckon they know the truth deep down or justify it by saying you are doing them a favour. However, its complete cowardly bulls*it to not answer the question straight out. If someone you are having a sexual relationship asks you a question like that you owe them a straight answer.

I have to laugh at all the attempts to justify lying and decieving your other half on here. Any partner deserves to know the truth and not have their question evaded. You can pontificate about why they might be asking the question and from that make up a reason not to tell them.

Its nonsense though. Have the guts to be honest with your other half. Lying in this circumstance cannot be justified

Chinafoot

havetolaugh wrote: »

If someone you are having a sexual relationship asks you a question like that you owe them a straight answer.

Bull. Its absolutely nobody's business but hers. All he needs to know is that she's been regularly checked for STIs etc, and if she has any sense then she has been. If she is asked that question then yes, she absolutely owes him a straight answer. Anything else with regard her sexual past is none of his business at all.

Having sex with someone doesn't automatically entitle you to know every little detail of their past relationships.

LegacyUser

No one is talking about every little detail. If you have been promiscuous in the past your 'partner' deserves to know. I'm not talking about someone you are randomly having sex with. If you are in a relationship then honesty is key. By your logic you don't have to tell your partner anything about yourself.

What do you work as? None of your business.
Any brothers or sisters? None of your business.

What exactly is your other half entitled to know about you

And, for the record, I most certainly don't think the OP in this thread has been tested for STI's regularly. Thats just my gut feeling

Chinafoot

Chinafoot wrote: »

Bull. Its absolutely nobody's business but hers. All he needs to know is that she's been regularly checked for STIs etc, and if she has any sense then she has been. If she is asked that question then yes, she absolutely owes him a straight answer. Anything else with regard her sexual past is none of his business at all.

Having sex with someone doesn't automatically entitle you to know every little detail of their past relationships.

It is absolutely her partner's business if he wants to know. There are plenty of things STI screenings don't pick up. I ask about sexual history because I'm concerned about sexual health, and I think lying about something like that is unforgivable. I want to know what I'm dealing with. I am not prepared to put myself at risk because someone didn't feel like being honest about their sexual history. I don't have to have sex with someone if I'm not comfortable about their sexual past. It's MY decision, not theirs, and if someone lies, that decision has been taken away from me.

Now, I am obviously looking at this from a health point of view. If the question was being asked in an obviously 'were they better than me?' sort of way, it might be justifiable to tell the, to mind their own business. But on the whole I agree with what 'havetolaugh' said. In general, I don't even understand why people feel the need to lie about their sexual history or any kind of history. I prefer to live in reality, and I want people to know and love the real me, not some fake impression of me. I'd rather people know the not-so-nice stuff than feel like I had to lie to be accepted. My boyfriend has done lots of stuff he'd not proud of, and some of it isn't very nice, but I respect that he has been honest with me. All those experiences have made him who he is today. I don't think I would 'rather not have known', personally. I find that quite patronising.

legend365

Well she'd want to know first if she had any STI's. And if she did im sure she wouldn't like to spread them..who would?

Whats in the past doesn't matter. I've asked these questions before and always felt bad afterwards either way. Nothing good comes from them.

LegacyUser

It is one thing to volunteer that you've slept with numerous people but it is very much another to lie when asked such a question by your partner. A relationship is built on loving the person you are with, this love entails many aspects of that person and for some your past can be a clue to your character. You have decided to be with the person you love because of various aspects of their character - funny, loving, thoughtful, strong etc, these are character traits, as is your views on sex and everyone's partner is entitled to know such information if asked.

Those stating it is none of the partners business, please enlighten us as to what is and isn't your partners business? Where is the line drawn exactly?

If the person you love asks you a question about your past it is their right to be given a truthful answer and their decision if they can live with it.

Chinafoot

havetolaugh wrote: »

No one is talking about every little detail. If you have been promiscuous in the past your 'partner' deserves to know. I'm not talking about someone you are randomly having sex with. If you are in a relationship then honesty is key. By your logic you don't have to tell your partner anything about yourself.

What do you work as? None of your business.
Any brothers or sisters? None of your business.[/quote

What exactly is your other half entitled to know about you

Wow, thats quite a reach from what I actually said. Did the word "realtionships" pass you by there?

havetolaugh wrote: »

And, for the record, I most certainly don't think the OP in this thread has been tested for STI's regularly. Thats just my gut feeling

Why? Because the girl slept with what you deem to be a lot of people so obviously it was all unprotected and she hasn't bothered getting tested? You got all that from her one post? You must be psychic, well done.


[quote=[Deleted User];64693541]It is absolutely her partner's business if he wants to know. There are plenty of things STI screenings don't pick up. I ask about sexual history because I'm concerned about sexual health, and I think lying about something like that is unforgivable. I want to know what I'm dealing with. I am not prepared to put myself at risk because someone didn't feel like being honest about their sexual history. I don't have to have sex with someone if I'm not comfortable about their sexual past. It's MY decision, not theirs, and if someone lies, that decision has been taken away from me.

Now, I am obviously looking at this from a health point of view. If the question was being asked in an obviously 'were they better than me?' sort of way, it might be justifiable to tell the, to mind their own business. But on the whole I agree with what 'havetolaugh' said. In general, I don't even understand why people feel the need to lie about their sexual history or any kind of history. I prefer to live in reality, and I want people to know and love the real me, not some fake impression of me. I'd rather people know the not-so-nice stuff than feel like I had to lie to be accepted. My boyfriend has done lots of stuff he'd not proud of, and some of it isn't very nice, but I respect that he has been honest with me. All those experiences have made him who he is today. I don't think I would 'rather not have known', personally. I find that quite patronising.[/QUOTE]

And thats your perogative but not everyone feels the same. The OP doesn't want to tell him and I personally don't see why she should have to once she has been regularly tested for STI's, hep, HIV etc. For all we know every single time she had sex she used a condom and she has had herself checked out since then.

She has worked through her issues and left that part of her life behind. Why should she have to bring it back up again because he wants to know how many people she slept with? Do you think her relationship will survive her telling her current boyfriend that she used to be unfaithful? I certainly don't and I doubt she does either. She's not that person anymore, she's had counselling, she's changed and she is entitled to leave that part of her life in the past where it belongs.

Bottle_of_Smoke

[quote=[Deleted User];64693541] In general, I don't even understand why people feel the need to lie about their sexual history or any kind of history. I prefer to live in reality, and I want people to know and love the real me, not some fake impression of me. I'd rather people know the not-so-nice stuff than feel like I had to lie to be accepted. [/QUOTE]

That's all lovely and ideological but most people don't want to deal with reality, even the ones who think they do.

I get the impression you're female. Men generally get much more bothered if their girlfriend has had a lot of partners.

I think it's possible a high number would bother me. That's why I never ask.

There are plenty of things STI screenings don't pick up. I ask about sexual history because I'm concerned about sexual health, and I think lying about something like that is unforgivable.

Afaik there's only HPV and herpes related infections that won't be picked up. For HPV even someone with a relatively low number of partners such as 1/2 people its pretty much a certainty they'll have HPV so one might as well assume everyone has it and get the related check ups.

Herpes the person will generally have had outbreaks, and if they're going to lie about that they're certainly going to lie about number of partners if they deem it neccesary.

Therefore I don't think knowing how many partners one's partner has had is going to do one any good.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

That's all lovely and ideological but most people don't want to deal with reality, even the ones who think they do.

I get the impression you're female. Men generally get much more bothered if their girlfriend has had a lot of partners.

I think it's possible a high number would bother me. That's why I never ask.

I know it's unusual but I for one would much rather know the truth than not. And I'd much rather hear it from my partner's mouth than down the pub or from a mate who said too much after too many pints. A few of my boyfriend's mates have had 'oh sh*t, I mentioned X' moments and thankfully I already knew what they were talking about. I just prefer knowing to being kept in the dark.

As for the men not being happy with the number, my bf seems to be of the same mindset as me, he'd rather know than be lied to. I like being able to be honest with him and would feel very uncomfortable about being judged for choices I had made.

Afaik there's only HPV and herpes related infections that won't be picked up. For HPV even someone with a relatively low number of partners such as 1/2 people its pretty much a certainty they'll have HPV so one might as well assume everyone has it and get the related check ups.

For high risk HPV, yes. For low risk HPV (warts) it's less common and most people don't show visible signs. Most people with herpes also don't have outbreaks. Of course it's possible for anyone to have this stuff and many people with just a few partners have it but the risk is much higher for those with many partners. I just feel that if you're going to put part of your anatomy into another person or viceversa, it's absolutely your right to know what they've been doing with it. Why is it fine to ask about family and jobs and friends but not something that could directly affect you?

A.Partridge

Chinafoot wrote: »

She has worked through her issues and left that part of her life behind. Why should she have to bring it back up again because he wants to know how many people she slept with? Do you think her relationship will survive her telling her current boyfriend that she used to be unfaithful? I certainly don't and I doubt she does either. She's not that person anymore, she's had counselling, she's changed and she is entitled to leave that part of her life in the past where it belongs.

This is the best observation of the entire situation, imho.

OP...follow this advice and you will have nothing to fear.

shellyboo

[quote=[Deleted User];64697690]
For high risk HPV, yes. For low risk HPV (warts) it's less common and most people don't show visible signs. Most people with herpes also don't have outbreaks[/QUOTE]


Sorry, what? What's "high-risk HPV"?

OP, you don't have to tell him anything as long as you've been tested and are clean. You're not endangering his health, you're not that same person anymore and he's not dating that person he's dating YOU. You're not doing anything wrong by keeping it to yourself.

shellyboo

shellyboo wrote: »

Sorry, what? What's "high-risk HPV"?

The strains of HPV which can cause cervical cancer. The strains which cause genital warts are known as 'low risk' HPV, i.e. they are annoying/unsightly but not life threatening.

shellyboo

[quote=[Deleted User];64699630]The strains of HPV which can cause cervical cancer. The strains which cause genital warts are known as 'low risk' HPV, i.e. they are annoying/unsightly but not life threatening.[/QUOTE]

Right, ok. And they can't be tested for. And using condoms doesn't protect you against HPV. So there was no way she could have prevented getting it anyway even if she DOES have it. Sooooo... why is she being castigated for maybe, possibly having a disease that causes cervical cancer (and last time I checked men don't have cervixes) as if it's something that will possibly affect her partner?

Talk about a specious argument. She's made mistakes. She realises that. She's come to terms with it. Should she have to pay for it the rest of her life by rehashing them with every single partner she has? No. Absolutely not. She's not putting anyone at any more risk than they would have been otherwise, to suggest that she is is ridiculous.

shellyboo

shellyboo wrote: »

Right, ok. And they can't be tested for. And using condoms doesn't protect you against HPV. So there was no way she could have prevented getting it anyway even if she DOES have it. Sooooo... why is she being castigated for maybe, possibly having a disease that causes cervical cancer (and last time I checked men don't have cervixes) as if it's something that will possibly affect her partner?

Talk about a specious argument. She's made mistakes. She realises that. She's come to terms with it. Should she have to pay for it the rest of her life by rehashing them with every single partner she has? No. Absolutely not. She's not putting anyone at any more risk than they would have been otherwise, to suggest that she is is ridiculous.

Stop putting words into my mouth. I'm not castigating anyone. I'm pointing out that sex passes on various things that can't be tested for. That's my entire point. A clear sexual health screening lets you know you're negative for some of the STD's you can get. And as for there being 'no way to prevent it', well, not having sex is a fairly good way.

I now have to go to the hospital every six months as a result of having high risk HPV, due to my ex-boyfriend lying about his sexual history. I made the decision to sleep with him thinking he had been with one other girl who was a virgin - if I had known he had had more partners, I might not have chosen to sleep with him, or I might have waited to have the HPV shot that was coming out. I am absolutely furious that this decision was taken out of my hands due to his inability to tell the truth. It was for ME to decide if I wanted to take the risk, not him. And as for men not having cervixes, perhaps some men would like to know if they were passing on stuff that could harm a future partner? I told my current BF about my issues before we had sex, even though I officially had no obligation to do so and even though he's probably got HPV already. Just so that if we break up, any future partner would make sure to go for regular smears and take any abnormalities seriously. It would be great if we could all pretend that our sexual history has nothing to do with the present, but it simply isn't the case. Where do you draw the line? Not only for sexual stuff but for emotional stuff. Is it OK to say you've never cheated when you've cheated on every single one of your exes?

I do agree that everyone should have the option to say 'I'm not talking about it' when asked about their sexual/romantic history, but lying is just not acceptable, IMO. Physical health comes above hurting someone's feelings. Sometimes you have to talk about things you don't feel overly comfortable with, things you wish you hadn't done. That's what adults do. I just don't get this whole 'the past is the past', burying your head in the sand attitude. I'm not saying you have to sit down and discuss it every day, but I don't think lying and cutting out whole chunks of your life is a particularly good idea. As I said earlier, my boyfriend has done some stuff he isn't proud of and I don't agree with, but he'd rather it was out in the open.

We don't know the OP's partner, what type of person he is or how he'd react. I'm saying if I were in her shoes, I'd be honest if I were asked about the past. Not all the grisly details, but I'd give him a good idea. I'd hate feeling like I had to hide things or like I was giving a false impression. If OP doesn't want to do that, grand. That's just my advice.

LegacyUser

I now have to go to the hospital every six months as a result of having high risk HPV, due to my ex-boyfriend lying about his sexual history. I made the decision to sleep with him thinking he had been with one other girl who was a virgin - if I had known he had had more partners, I might not have chosen to sleep with him, or I might have waited to have the HPV shot that was coming out. I am absolutely furious that this decision was taken out of my hands due to his inability to tell the truth.

I'm sorry but there is your mistake right there, putting your own health in the hands of someone else's say so. Big. Mistake.

Always assume people are lying about sexual history until proven otherwise. Wear condoms until you see the piece of paper with the clear STD on it, even then you can't be 100%

I am the girl who slept with about 100, not to sure but I still made my current BF get tested (even though he only had 6 ex partners, so he says, doesn't matter to me) and I got tested myself too.
Until you view the empirical evidence with your very own eyes printed on clinic paper then mitigate for the worst.

People lie, all day long. You might not and you might think others will have your high standards but they wont. You can feel righteously wounded, who can blame you but its better to be cynical and pleasantly suprised than niaive and stuck with an STD.

YOU are in charge of your own health, not your boyfriend, no matter how much you love them etc

maybe 100

maybe 100 wrote: »

I'm sorry but there is your mistake right there, putting your own health in the hands of someone else's say so. Big. Mistake.

Well, if it wasn't already obvious, HPV is one of those things you can't test for nor protect against, so I could either take the guy's word for it, or not have sex at all. And I think it is pretty damn sh*tty to lie to someone about something like that. It isn't a big deal in the sexual health world as most people have HPV, but I would've liked to have been told what I was exposing myself to. I probably would have slept with the guy anyway but at least it would have been MY decision to make. I think you'll find we all put our health in other peoples' hands to one degree or another. You can take precautions but you still need to rely on people all the time. Wearing a seatbelt doesn't stop the bus driver crashing because he had a few drinks. Signing a contract doesn't mean someone won't do a runner with your money. You can be responsible and do your best, but other people need to do their part too.

I'm not even sure how you can preach about putting your health in someone else's hands if you've had a hundred partners. You've put your life in dozens of peoples' hands, much more than I have. Condoms break. Wouldn't you feel betrayed if you weren't told that one of your partners had HIV and you ended up contracting it? You can protect yourself as best you can, as I always have, but there is always some degree of trust there.

Always assume people are lying about sexual history until proven otherwise. Wear condoms until you see the piece of paper with the clear STD on it, even then you can't be 100%

Good advice although it doesn't apply to me, as I've never had unprotected sex with anyone and have made my partners get tested for all testable STD's.

I am the girl who slept with about 100, not to sure but I still made my current BF get tested (even though he only had 6 ex partners, so he says, doesn't matter to me) and I got tested myself too.
Until you view the empirical evidence with your very own eyes printed on clinic paper then mitigate for the worst.

People lie, all day long. You might not and you might think others will have your high standards but they wont. You can feel righteously wounded, who can blame you but its better to be cynical and pleasantly suprised than niaive and stuck with an STD.

YOU are in charge of your own health, not your boyfriend, no matter how much you love them etc

I don't think I'm the one who's naive.

YOU CAN'T TEST FOR EVERYTHING. That is my entire point. Myself and my exes have all been tested and got the all clear for STD's, but only the STD's they test for. I would never just accept that someone was clear and certainly never have unprotected sex with someone who hadn't been tested, but for stuff like HPV and herpes, you really do need to go on the person's word. That or not have sex at all. There is no man in the land who will ever have a slip of paper saying 'positive for high risk HPV' because they don't test for it.

The more people you sleep with, the more you are exposing yourself to all STD's, even if you use condoms. If you haven't already contracted something, it's down to luck. That's the truth. You had no way of knowing if someone you slept with had just had genital warts burned off or had just had a herpes outbreak. No amount of condoms and testing can replace common decency. I would be surprised if a guy refused to sleep with me because what I have is incredibly common among non-virgins, but I would always give them the option. I also let them know I get coldsores before kissing or sharing drinks. Just common decency.

prinz

I would tell the truth on this one and have done. For better or worse. After that it's up to the other person tbh. Perhaps he changes his opinion of you, perhaps he doesn't, but all our actions have consequences and lying about your past is not the ideal way to begin a new relationship imo.

shellyboo wrote: »

Right, ok. And they can't be tested for. And using condoms doesn't protect you against HPV. So there was no way she could have prevented getting it anyway even if she DOES have it. Sooooo... why is she being castigated for maybe, possibly having a disease that causes cervical cancer (and last time I checked men don't have cervixes) as if it's something that will possibly affect her partner?

Off-topic but you think because a man won't get cervical cancer it couldn't possibly affect him? What happens further down the line if it has affected fertility etc and her partner wants kids for instance. Would you say the same thing if a man decided to keep the fact that he had testicular cancer from his OH on the basis that the last time you checked women don't have testes?

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

Off-topic but you think because a man won't get cervical cancer it couldn't possibly affect him? What happens further down the line if it has affected fertility etc and her partner wants kids for instance. Would you say the same thing if a man decided to keep the fact that he had testicular cancer from his OH on the basis that the last time you checked women don't have testes?

That's something to be discussed when the time comes to discuss children. Full total 100% disclosure about your possible fertility is not something that should be expected or encouraged in the early days of a relationship. I mean, there's twins in my family, should I be warning blokes that I might have them if and when I have kids? Hardly.

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

That's something to be discussed when the time comes to discuss children. Full total 100% disclosure about your possible fertility is not something that should be expected or encouraged in the early days of a relationship..

100% disclosure should always be expected and encouraged about everything. Including your past as in the OP's case. Until you do the relationship is based upon a lie and assumptions. Say for instance some woman was infertile and knew it... she should keep that info from a man until the time comes when they want kids? What happens if that time is after a few years, after getting married etc... in that case the whole thing is based on a sham.

Basically your advice is to live a lie for as long as you can possibly get away with it.

shellyboo wrote: »

I mean, there's twins in my family, should I be warning blokes that I might have them if and when I have kids? Hardly.

Not necessarily, but surely you wouldn't hide the fact that they exist if a guy asked about your family early on.