How do I rescue me? :(

steddyeddy

im a man nearing 30 and i am writing this out of desperation, since childhood i was systematically abused nearly everyday for 18 years of my life, i have recently attended counseling and yes i am making progress but it is making me realize the affect the abuse had on me.

my education suffered as i had to leave school early and my confidence and self esteem were poor although they are now improving.

I am at a point in my life now were i want to build a future different than the past i have faced, i was thinking of joining an adult education course , i dont have a leaving cert however this can be overcame because it is deemed desirable but not essential for course entry but my problem is my past i left school early i am basically missing 18 years of my life, i am at such a disadvantage even though it is a result of what was done to me as a child.

do i bring up my past in a interview if i am asked why i left school early and why i left multiple jobs (my abuser would often turn up at my work humiliate me into leaving, any advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

the other thing i would ask about is disclosure, i have friends although they know nothing of my abuse, im getting to the point were this is isolating me , how do i broach all this to a friend, i really need one in this counseling process.

seahorse

Hi Steddyeddy

You asked in your thread title 'How do I rescue me?' I'd like to point out that you have already begun to do that by beginning counselling and posting this thread has been another step in what's going to be a long journey, but the main thing about journeys as far as I can see is that the length of them is not nearly as important as that you're heading in the right direction, which you obviously are. I think you need to congratulate yourself for that, so many people do not take these steps. I personally knew two beautiful gifted young women who killed themselves in the prime of their lives because of abuse. It is not easy to do what you are doing, they could not do it, and they are dead because they could not do it. It pains me to say so, but it is true.

As for the education issue; I left school at fourteen with no qualifications of any kind and didn't return till I was twenty-four. Like yourself I had nothing to recommend me except my desire to be there, but thankfully that was enough and I now have a number of FETAC certificates and a university degree. There were also serious problems in my own youth which lead to my having left school at such a young age. In my case it was family dysfunction beyond my control, but these things can be overcome, I promise you.

You asked if you should bring up in an interview the reasons why your education was interrupted. When I went to my university interview I was very thrown by that exact question and was in no position to do anything other than tell the truth. I was mortified, needless to say. My advice to you there would be to have a think about what you're going to say beforehand and don't give away any more than you are comfortable with. Please try not to be too worried about this process (which is well for me to say because I was sh!tting myself at the time!) Adults back to education course providers primarily deal with people who left education for reasons related to social disadvantage, addiction, abuse etc, so nothing about your circumstances will be new to them. They deal with this sort of stuff all the time, it is part of their job description.

You are right when you say that you need a friend at this time. Please tell the person you find it easiest confide in, the person you most trust, about what has gone on and what is going on. It is very important that you are not alone right now. You have begun to look after yourself, please keep doing it.

miec

'd like to point out that you have already begun to do that by beginning counselling and posting this thread has been another step in what's going to be a long journey, but the main thing about journeys as far as I can see is that the length of them is not nearly as important as that you're heading in the right direction, which you obviously are. I think you need to congratulate yourself for that, so many people do not take these steps.

+ 1. I would also like to add in a few thoughts of my own. Basically like yourself I suffered years of abuse on all counts. I left school at 15, no leaving, no inter. I have done multiple jobs, etc. Felt cut off, isolated and deeply ashamed of what happened to me. I have had therapy on and off over the last ten years and it is making a huge difference to my peace of mind. Like you I see now the damage caused by it but I am determined not to let it take over my life. I guess like yourself I am rescuing me and the fact that you have used that phrase is very positive. You are actively looking for healing. Secondly, the fact you want to better yourself through education is amazingly positive. You have real strength of character already and you can bet you have had to develop some serious survival skills as a child because of what you suffered.

I went to college as a mature student, I have shifted from a person with no formal qualifications (and a mind set that said loser) to one with a 1st class Masters (now a mindset that says winner). However, it was not the academic qualification that really did it for me but the sense of achievement, my personal growth, my confidence but also the chance to balance out the **** I suffered in my early life. It is a strange thing being in further education but feeling so outside of it. My advice is not to mention your abuse, not because it is shameful or you did anything wrong, but because it does not entirely define who you are and education could be a positive space for you whilst you are healing. Like Seahorse I was scared but it was brilliant. When you speak to someone in the school or college you can always loosely say, oh family stuff or something to that effect if they ask about your early school leaving. One thing I have noticed as an abuse survivor is that I have issues around boundaries, because they were broken I had no sense of being able to protect myself so I gave too much of myself away at times and I regret that. You don't need to tell anyone anything you don't want to. Only if you choose to do it and want to tell them.

As for opening up to your friends, Seahorse gives good advice, I have opened up to friends, it is hard and often I have told it like telling the weather because it has been hard, awkward and painful. Maybe you could open up and say to your chosen friend, hey I am going to a counsellor and it is to do with abuse, and see if your friend asks anymore. They might give you a stunned silence, which may make you feel uncomfortable but it may be that they are just absorbing what you've told them. If you get the 'ah don't worry about it, you'll get over it,' or 'sure forget about it' etc, then I would say no more to that person. I have had that response and it just made me feel more isolated because I knew they didn't want to know. If you feel you can't open up to your friends, you are very welcome to pm me if you want. Also one final point whilst I did not have a positive experience with One in Four (an organisation for sex abuse survivors) they do have an online forum for people to discuss their abuse so that may be an option for you.

I would make a final recommendation, try to do nice things for yourself and treat yourself as kindly as you can, it will speed up your healing. I hated myself for so long and put myself under terrible pain due to my shame and it is only now that I am being kind to myself and I wish I had done it earlier. Good luck Op and well done for all you have achieved so far.

LegacyUser

steddyeddy wrote: »

im a man nearing 30 and i am writing this out of desperation, since childhood i was systematically abused nearly everyday for 18 years of my life, i have recently attended counseling and yes i am making progress but it is making me realize the affect the abuse had on me.

my education suffered as i had to leave school early and my confidence and self esteem were poor although they are now improving.

I am at a point in my life now were i want to build a future different than the past i have faced, i was thinking of joining an adult education course , i dont have a leaving cert however this can be overcame because it is deemed desirable but not essential for course entry but my problem is my past i left school early i am basically missing 18 years of my life, i am at such a disadvantage even though it is a result of what was done to me as a child.

do i bring up my past in a interview if i am asked why i left school early and why i left multiple jobs (my abuser would often turn up at my work humiliate me into leaving, any advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

the other thing i would ask about is disclosure, i have friends although they know nothing of my abuse, im getting to the point were this is isolating me , how do i broach all this to a friend, i really need one in this counseling process.

Steddyeddy,

I don't know what to say - at least succinctly. I failed my Inter and Leaving Cert - a couple of times. The lads in class used to have a nickname for me because I was supposedly so "thick". Left school with nothing to my name but a hell of a childhood.

Forget about an Adult Education course. Stop selling yourself short. Go and do the degree - it's a lot, lot bigger on the outside than it is when you've finished it on the inside. A degree is easy if you've chosen subjects which you are really interested in. Never mind the nonsense that hypes these things up.

Despite failing my Leaving Cert twice, I got into uni under the ill-health clause (Access/Disabilty; if you get in this way, you can have access to extra tuition which will help to make up for your lost years in education. When I did my secondary school there was no such thing as a Special Education Needs assistant helping me).
Anyway, by the end of my undergrad, I ended up in the top 10% of my year in both subjects in my final degree year. I went on and did, and was awarded, my doctorate. I am now shortlisted for a post-doctoral research position in one of the top five universities in the world.

If a supposed "thick" like me can do it, anybody in this planet can do it. Going to university and getting my degree and doctorate has been my freedom. I cannot understate that. It has given me such a huge sense of self-belief after decades of being a laughing stock by people who are, now, instantly forgettable. Do not sell yourself short. There is a great goodness and support in this society for people who want to overcome their adversity.

As for your worry about employers asking "where have you been?" I was asked that in the past year, and I was shocked at the question. I answered it entirely honestly, making sure to point out that I overcame it at the end of the day and it made me a stronger person. At the end of the 40 minute interview I was offered the job. I couldn't believe I had been so open, even though I had just said, "Well, I had very bad ill health for a long time". They didn't ask any more, but it was still the most forward I had ever been.


God bless.

Victor

I think you need to go through some of those questions with your counsellor and you can also ask them of various colleges.

You might look into things like the Trinity Access Programmes http://www.tcd.ie/Trinity_Access/ or equivalents in the college of your choice. Most colleges also have some form of counselling and allied services that may be able to answer some of your questions or point you in the direction of people who can help.