ex-girlfriend 6 months pregnant

LegacyUser

As the title says, my ex girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, baby is definitely mine. We broke up 8 months ago + one-off nights spent with her has led to the baby.

We're both in our early 20s + have decided to keep the baby. I havn't been involved with the pregnancy really because of work + we don't live together + I havn't a clue how to support her.

Neither of our parents know yet but we've both told a few mates. Her friends think I'm being a s*** in the way I've been acting, because I have slept with several girls since knowing that my ex is pregnant, is that wrong? I have also slept with my ex on occassions but we fight alot because she says I'm being unfair to her + our kid.

My mates say that I should leave her be with the baby + just be there when she needs me + get involved when the baby's born.

I really dont know what to do. I want to be in the baby's life but it comes with my ex. I do still love her but I want to be single + free. But half of me thinks we should move in together + I should be looking after her.

All advice would be appreciated

legend365

If you wanted this:

watdoido wrote: »

to be single + free.

You probably shouldn't have made this:

watdoido wrote: »

baby.

hollis12

watdoido wrote: »

As the title says, my ex girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, baby is definitely mine. We broke up 8 months ago + one-off nights spent with her has led to the baby.

We're both in our early 20s + have decided to keep the baby. I havn't been involved with the pregnancy really because of work + we don't live together + I havn't a clue how to support her.

Neither of our parents know yet but we've both told a few mates. Her friends think I'm being a s*** in the way I've been acting, because I have slept with several girls since knowing that my ex is pregnant, is that wrong? I have also slept with my ex on occassions but we fight alot because she says I'm being unfair to her + our kid.

My mates say that I should leave her be with the baby + just be there when she needs me + get involved when the baby's born.

I really dont know what to do. I want to be in the baby's life but it comes with my ex. I do still love her but I want to be single + free. But half of me thinks we should move in together + I should be looking after her.

All advice would be appreciated

right first things first get new mates they sound so thick im guessing there from a part of the country that recently developed fire. you do well thinking you should look after her i agree with the above poster single and free does have consequences.

sit her down and talk to her tell her how you feel and ask hows she feels and then progress from there.

Miller Boy

hollis12 wrote: »

right first things first get new mates they sound so thick im guessing there from a part of the country that recently developed fire. you do well thinking you should look after her i agree with the above poster single and free does have consequences.

sit her down and talk to her tell her how you feel and ask hows she feels and then progress from there.

Very good advice. It's between the two of you. Don't mind what others say or think.

Zaph

legend365, if you've nothing constructive to add to the discussion then I suggest you stay out of it.

Victor

watdoido wrote: »

We're both in our early 20s + have decided to keep the baby. I havn't been involved with the pregnancy really because of work + we don't live together + I havn't a clue how to support her.

Find some books on parenting. Be nice to her and aks how she is feeling, but you don't have to overdo it if you aren't together anymore.

Neither of our parents know yet but we've both told a few mates.

Maybe its time to talk to them?

Her friends think I'm being a s*** in the way I've been acting, because I have slept with several girls since knowing that my ex is pregnant, is that wrong? I have also slept with my ex on occassions but we fight alot because she says I'm being unfair to her + our kid.

How are you being unfair? By having sex with other women? Either you are with her or you are not. It probably unfair on her for her to be pregnant, you having sex with her sometimes, but other times with others. Whatever about normally, with all the hormones in her system a the moment it must be a nightmare.

My mates say that I should leave her be with the baby + just be there when she needs me + get involved when the baby's born.

I think it might be expecting a bit much to ignore her for 3 months and then try to take centre stage.

I really dont know what to do. I want to be in the baby's life but it comes with my ex. I do still love her but I want to be single + free. But half of me thinks we should move in together + I should be looking after her.

You need to man up, I not telling you how to do that, but either (a) you have to stop having sex with her or (b) you have to stop sleeping around.

Toots

watdoido wrote: »

As the title says, my ex girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, baby is definitely mine. We broke up 8 months ago + one-off nights spent with her has led to the baby.

We're both in our early 20s + have decided to keep the baby. I havn't been involved with the pregnancy really because of work + we don't live together + I havn't a clue how to support her.

Don't use work as an excuse not to be involved. If you want to support her, as Victor said, grab a few parenting books and have a read, see what info they have. Talk to her, ask her how she's feeling. Try and accompany her to doctors appointments and scans, these are the really major bits and can be quite overwhelming, it would be good to have someone there to support her.

Neither of our parents know yet but we've both told a few mates. Her friends think I'm being a s*** in the way I've been acting, because I have slept with several girls since knowing that my ex is pregnant, is that wrong? I have also slept with my ex on occassions but we fight alot because she says I'm being unfair to her + our kid.

Tell your parents, they're going to find out eventually and may well be a bit upset. I think the longer you leave it the worse their reaction could be. I mean if you go in and break it to them that their grandchild is due in the next week, you can probably expect a few fireworks. Also they'll be able to give you advice from previous experience, and will actually know what they're talking about.

TBH, if I was in your ex's situation and you were sleeping with her and sleeping with other girls while knowing she's pregnant, I'd be livid. In fact, I'd probably tell you to take a hike and I'd raise the kid on my own. The girl is probably terrified, hormonal etc, and your behaviour is not reassuring her that you're someone who can be relied on in the future. This is just IMO, but if I were you, I'd knock the casual sex on the head until after the baby arrives, or at least be a lot more discreet (ie tell nobody about it). Also, stop sleeping with her unless you actually intend to try and rekindle your relationship, because it's going to make things much more complicated. Have a talk about where you see yourselves heading. If a romantic relationship is not on the cards, then don't sleep with her.

My mates say that I should leave her be with the baby + just be there when she needs me + get involved when the baby's born.

Have any of your mates got kids? IMO this is terrible advice, you can't just let her go through the pregnancy alone and then just show up to babysit the odd time and take the kid on days out. If you leave her alone for the pregnancy, it could very well turn out that she doesn't want you to be involved when the baby is born.

I really dont know what to do. I want to be in the baby's life but it comes with my ex. I do still love her but I want to be single + free. But half of me thinks we should move in together + I should be looking after her.

As I said, the 'single and free' behaviour should probably be toned down a bit considering the circumstances. If you are serious about attempting a relationship with her again, then moving in might be a good idea. Don't just get back with her cos she's having your kid though. I've seen that situation happen enough times to know that in most cases it gets messy and ends in tears. You should definitely be looking after her, preferably by supporting her emotionally and trying to be as involved as possible. If you're not prepared to do that, then you should at least be giving her some financial support. I'm sure you don't need anyone to tell you babies are expensive, I'd be surprised if she hasn't already had a few medical expenses to pay, plus having to buy clothes for herself as she gets bigger, and all the baby gear too.

I think you both need to sit down, have a long chat about what you both want/need and make a solid plan for the future, and stick to it as best you can. Good luck.

metrovelvet

I hope for her sanity she tells you to take a hike. No one needs this when theyre pregnant.

LegacyUser

You're sleeping around and increasing the risk of getting STI's and then going and sleeping with the woman who is pregnant with your child, do I need to tell you how low that is?

ash23

You supporting and being there for your ex doesn't necessarily mean you have to be her partner and move in with her.
Why not sit down with her and work out what way things will be after the baby arrives in terms of finacial help and access.
There are ways of reassuring her without flitting between her and other women.
You don't love her, you don't want to be with her. Fine. But stop messing her around. Put your penis in your pants and leave it there as far as she is concerned because you really are running the risk of her telling you to feck off for good. She must be in bits, thinking one minute you want her and then hearing you're with other women. She's already dealing with a crisis pregnancy and your only job is to make this as easy as possible on her. This means you need to stop playing around, make some decisions and stick to them.

LegacyUser

Sleeping around + playing the field when you have a baby on the way is very inconsiderate and immature of you? Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel?

Also have you gone to any scans/doctor visits with her?

Your friends advice is very foolish, you've already missed most your child's development, you don't want to miss the last 3 months. You also need to tell your parents asap. Its unfair to not let them be involved whether you are or not.

I think you should tell her how you feel + try give the relationship a go, for the sake of your baby. Growing up in a broken family is not nice-I've been through it myself. If it doesn't work out then at least you'll have tried.

Try at least consider your ex's feelings, she must be going through hell

LegacyUser

Your post just breaks my heart!
I was in your ex's boots and my ex slept around (and with me) when i was pregnant, i was petrified, and didnt know what was going to happen, i had no support and was afriad to tell my family, when i found out my ex was sleeping with other people, and me, i was so hurt! I couldnt even trust him and he was part of what got me there!!!
I was waddling around like a duck, feeling likes***, so huge i couldnt fit into my clothes, couldnt drink, couldnt go out with my friends, and he was going out every weekend like everything was fine!
That was 5 years ago, and i have never forgiven him, or forgotten what the pain i felt finding out he was sleeping around while i was pregnant with his child!!! He got me pregnant, and i suffered the consequences alone, how you can even ask if that is unfair just blows my mind, you clearly have no respect for this girl, whether you think you 'love' her or not, that is the most disrespectful thing you could do!!
Just imagine how she feels, when all her mates know your odd sh***ing around and she cant even go out! Grow up!
Yes, you are single, but your ex is not, and if you had any bit of respect for her, just as a person, you'd share the responsibility, you may not be pregnant, but why not be a tad more sympathetic in fairness, an unplanned pregnancy is hard enough with out the man half responsible making it worse!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

Yeah I guess I'm being a bit of a jerk. Today I text her saying I wanted to meet up + discuss stuff. I do want to be involved all the way + I regret missing the past 6 months.

Her response was that I can't just pick + choose when I want to be there + as far as the baby goes, I'm there or I'm not. She said we can meet up + talk. + that she hopes I realise a baby is alot of responsibility + that I won't be able to go out with my mates all the time.

I have missed 2 of the scans, both my fault for missing them.

I don't see why me sleeping with other girls should be a problem when we're not going out + how its unfair to her like "talktothehand" said? I'm not cheating on her. Also I am dating a girl at the minute but it's not serious. My ex knows this + she's not happy about it because she says I'm being disrespectful.

Also in a fight last week she said that if I continued on the way I've behaved that she wouldn't let me near the baby...do I have any rights here?

Chinafoot

watdoido wrote: »

Her response was that I can't just pick + choose when I want to be there + as far as the baby goes, I'm there or I'm not. She said we can meet up + talk. + that she hopes I realise a baby is alot of responsibility + that I won't be able to go out with my mates all the time.

Sounds like a fairly level-headed lady. She's absolutely dead right. You can't expect her to just be happy that you've no decided after 6 months to become involved. She's more than likely terrified you'll decide to disappear again when the baby arrives and things get more difficult.

watdoido wrote: »

I don't see why me sleeping with other girls should be a problem when we're not going out + how its unfair to her like "talktothehand" said? I'm not cheating on her. Also I am dating a girl at the minute but it's not serious. My ex knows this + she's not happy about it because she says I'm being disrespectful.

Well you're disrespecting her if you're sleeping with other people and sleeping with her at the same time. This is the mother of your child. If you don't want a romantic relationship with her then don't sleep with her.

Also, have you told your ex that you "still love her but want to be free and single"? If you have and now you're seeing someone else she is probably very upset by it all. There she is, the girl you claim to still love and who you have slept with since your break up, pregnant with your child, but you're mr. free and single with a new girlfriend. Thats going to completely wreck her head. If you're happy to have a girlfriend why not the mother of your child that you claim to love?

watdoido wrote: »

Also in a fight last week she said that if I continued on the way I've behaved that she wouldn't let me near the baby...do I have any rights here?

Speak to the citizens information centre.

Mate, I don't mean to be disrespectful but you need to decide now what it is that you want. By the sounds of things your ex isn't going to accept a 'pick him up and put him down' attitude from you towards your kid, and nor should she. You both made this child and you both have to accept the responsibility. Having a child is hard bloody work and if you're not prepared to make the sacrifices required for your child then do both your ex and the kid a favour and walk away now, cause you'll only end up hurting them a million times more in the end.

The_Conductor

watdoido wrote: »

Also in a fight last week she said that if I continued on the way I've behaved that she wouldn't let me near the baby...do I have any rights here?

If you are going to go down the road of asking whether you have any rights- you have to accept the flip-side of the coin- the obligations that go with those rights. You have a young child coming into the world- yet, by your own admission you've already missed two scans through your own fault, and your cavemen friends sound more like beer drinking buddies than anything else.

If I behaved like you- I'd be worried that there would be a hit out on me- you have been continuing to sleep with your ex- along with a string of new girlfriends- and don't see anything wrong with your actions?

You have screwed up going to the first few scans- the poor girl is probably petrified, and you're acting as though you don't give a toss.

She is being fair by saying that you're either there for her and the baby- or you are not there for her and the baby- its unreasonable of you or anyone else to expect to be able to pick and choose the aspects of parenting that appeal to you. Bringing up a child is a massive responsibility- you haven't shown yourself to be the most responsible of people.........

StillWaters

What the hell are you doing sleeping with her? You just can't do that. You either want a romantic happy family relationship with her or you don't. If you want to be single, and at the same time step up to the plate as a daddy.... Keep you boundaries clear and rigid, be there as a supportive partner (scans, plans for when baby is born etc), but don't play with the girls emotions (and hormones) by sleeping with her.

metrovelvet

Jesus Christ. If you are wrecking her head this much and sending mixed messages, what the hell are you going to do to the child.

It doesnt sound like you are ready or equipped to be a father.

Your behavior is grossly disrespectful and really stinks. And do you know how horny you get when you are pregnant?

Up de Barrs

watdoido wrote: »

We're both in our early 20s + have decided to keep the baby. I havn't been involved with the pregnancy really because of work + we don't live together + I havn't a clue how to support her.


Also in a fight last week she said that if I continued on the way I've behaved that she wouldn't let me near the baby...do I have any rights here?

Yes you do have rights but more importantly you have responsibilities and right now your primary responsibility is to be as good a father as possible and that includes supporting your ex-partner as much as possible during the next three months. You are obviously excited by the prospect of being a father but you need to start demonstrating that in practical ways. Make sure you make it to the next appointment at the hospital (no matter how busy work is), in six months time you will certainly be glad that you made the effort. If you want to sleep around that is your choice but take the time to really be involved in your child's upbringing.

ztoical

watdoido wrote: »

I don't see why me sleeping with other girls should be a problem when we're not going out + how its unfair to her like "talktothehand" said? I'm not cheating on her. Also I am dating a girl at the minute but it's not serious. My ex knows this + she's not happy about it because she says I'm being disrespectful.

In your first post you said you were sleeping with other girls [implying more then one] AND your ex-girlfriend. You need to sit down with your ex and talk like adults as you now have a child to take care of. You need to make it clear you are going to be there as a father but there is not going to anything romantic happening between the two of you and stick to that. It is very unfair to her to tell her it's off then sleep with her. She's got a person growing inside of her which frankly is enough to deal with without not knowing where the hell the two of you stand.

watdoido wrote: »

Also in a fight last week she said that if I continued on the way I've behaved that she wouldn't let me near the baby...do I have any rights here?

If your the father and you do really want to be part of it's life then you do have rights and she can't keep you from your child but you will need to sort something either with her [which is the best option for you both and the child] or via the courts. It would prob be best to get both your parents involved maybe to help you work something out with regard to access and maintenance and I'm sure as grandparents they would like to be involved. Your life is not over because you've had a child but you will need to make priorities. If you've arranged that you will have your child on certain days you can't just blow that off to hang out mates...if you do that then she can go to the courts and try and stop you having access.

What you really really can't do is be there one minute and gone the next....while it's not fair on her, it's really not fair on the child. While it's a baby it won't notice so much but as it gets older it will notice when your there and when you not there.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

To be completely honest you sound horrible. You got this girl pregnant and you're sleeping around on her and then you ask why that's wrong! Seriously, are you 12? I just feel so so so sorry for your ex. She really is going to have to do this alone, your actions speak louder than words that you are completely immature and selfish, I think that the best thing you can do is get the hell out of her life.

Unless you plan on growing a pair and maning up and being something positive in her and the baby's life then the best thing you can do is butt out and stay away from her. So far, what have you done to support her? NOTHING. All you've done is upset her. God help her. I'm going to stop typing now or I'll get banned.

prinz

watdoido wrote: »

We broke up 8 months ago + one-off nights spent with her has led to the baby.

watdoido wrote: »

I have slept with several girls since knowing that my ex is pregnant, is that wrong?

What happens if one of those girls is pregnant too? You really should stop digging that hole and grow up a bit lot.

Barracudaincork

OP it appears that most of the posters here think you force your ex to have sex, she doesnt have a say in the matter according to them! People are focusing on the fact you are still sleeping with her etc etc they seem to forget that she in turn is sleeping with you and no one is making her, she chooses to herself. You are single you can sleep with whom and as many as you like. This is a fact!

However, lets add some reality and respect for someone else into the equation and although you arent doing anything wrong, you arent doing anything right either!!

This lady is the mother of your child, a child which will be the most precious thing in your life and you will never forgive yourself for treating their Mum like crap and neither will they. You need to look towards your future, a future that has now changed and you need to change with it, its not about you anymore, its about the baby and how you are going to be a father to it and a joint parent to it. Respect your ex and do the right thing.

The_Conductor

Excuse me- no-one here has suggested that the OP forced the mother of his child to have sex with him- frankly I don't understand where you're getting that from. The simple fact of the matter is- he is fully aware that she is pregnant, he is continuing to sleep with her (presumably by mutual consent), and he is sleeping with a whole load of other girls too. He has missed the last 2 baby scans- and his pregnant girlfriend/ex (whatever she is) is stating that he is either there for his child, as a father, and accepts what that entails- or he is not there for her and their baby- there is no middle ground.

It is a simple case of the OP being told he cannot have his cake and eat it- he is a father and accepts the maturity and responsibilities it entails- or he is not- plain and simple.

Tenderloins1

By all means try and be involved but do it on agreed terms, not when and where you feel like it.
It may not work out, but its best to at least give it a go, otherwise you could regret it in later life.

Barracudaincork

smccarrick wrote: »

Excuse me- no-one here has suggested that the OP forced the mother of his child to have sex with him- frankly I don't understand where you're getting that from.

I get it from the fact a lot of posters are saying you are sleeping with the mother or you child rah rah rah like she hasnt a say, not one person has said that she is sleeping with the father of her child, what message is she giving him?! I am more than assuming its by mutual consent, as you said you are presuming it is mutual consent. She doesnt have to sleep with him, she chooses too and i think other posters need to be reminded of that, hence my comments.

gavney1

watdoido wrote: »

.





I

I don't see why me sleeping with other girls should be a problem when we're not going out + how its unfair to her like "talktothehand" said? I'm not cheating on her. Also I am dating a girl at the minute but it's not serious. My ex knows this + she's not happy about it because she says I'm being disrespectful.

Dude, you sound like more than a bit of a jerk, you sound like a complete knob-end

Technically, there should be nothing wrong with you sleeping with other girls as long as you've completely broken up. BUT you've slept with your ex since breaking up? Are you not aware that she's very vulnerable and possibly wanted to get back together with you - are you not aware that you might be leading her on?

gavney1

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP it appears that most of the posters here think you force your ex to have sex, she doesnt have a say in the matter according to them! People are focusing on the fact you are still sleeping with her etc etc they seem to forget that she in turn is sleeping with you and no one is making her, she chooses to herself. You are single you can sleep with whom and as many as you like. This is a fact!

Of course he isn't FORCING her, but he should realise that he needs to either cut loose from her completely sexually and just partake in parental responsibilities OR get back together with her properly.

Obviously, the same should be said of the girl - but she isn't here right now!

ztoical

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I get it from the fact a lot of posters are saying you are sleeping with the mother or you child rah rah rah like she hasnt a say, not one person has said that she is sleeping with the father of her child, what message is she giving him?! I am more than assuming its by mutual consent, as you said you are presuming it is mutual consent. She doesnt have to sleep with him, she chooses too and i think other posters need to be reminded of that, hence my comments.

You trying being 6 months pregnant and thinking straight. I'm sorry but the tone and wording of the OP's posts make it sound like he is giving the girl mixed messages. While I don't think she is some innocent flower in this [know plenty of girls who think getting pregnant will force a guy to stay with them and it does take two to make a baby] the OP stated they were confused as to why his sleeping with this girl and other girls and it appears seeing another girl is upsetting. Had he said he and the ex had a clear understanding that it was just sex and nothing more or if they said the ex was seeing other people then yeah maybe I'd be more understanding but the ex hasn't told her parents so god knows what kind of support she's got around her, is prob confused and scared enough about the whole baby growing inside me thing without the father coming and going from her life.

The OP needs to come to an arrangement with this girl for the sake of his relationship with his child.

gavney1

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP it appears that most of the posters here think you force your ex to have sex, she doesnt have a say in the matter according to them! People are focusing on the fact you are still sleeping with her etc etc they seem to forget that she in turn is sleeping with you and no one is making her, she chooses to herself. You are single you can sleep with whom and as many as you like. This is a fact!

You're technically correct, but we haven't heard her side. But because she is clearly very upset, she obviously has alot of feelings for him, or is feeling very lonely. Maybe she thinks he wants to get back together? And then finds out he's sleeping with others?

Barracudaincork

gavney1 wrote: »

Of course he isn't FORCING her, but he should realise that he needs to either cut loose from her completely sexually and just partake in parental responsibilities OR get back together with her properly.

Obviously, the same should be said of the girl - but she isn't here right now!

Yup my point exactly, they are both equally responsible for their own actions. Just because someone isnt there, doesnt mean you dont look at it from their POV.

ztoical wrote: »

You trying being 6 months pregnant and thinking straight. I'm sorry but the tone and wording of the OP's posts make it sound like he is giving the girl mixed messages. While I don't think she is some innocent flower in this [know plenty of girls who think getting pregnant will force a guy to stay with them and it does take two to make a baby] the OP stated they were confused as to why his sleeping with this girl and other girls and it appears seeing another girl is upsetting. Had he said he and the ex had a clear understanding that it was just sex and nothing more or if they said the ex was seeing other people then yeah maybe I'd be more understanding but the ex hasn't told her parents so god knows what kind of support she's got around her, is prob confused and scared enough about the whole baby growing inside me thing without the father coming and going from her life.

The OP needs to come to an arrangement with this girl for the sake of his relationship with his child.

The fact she hasnt told her family is not his fault, she has the relationship with them, not him, he cannot be blamed or expected to pick up the pieces if she doesnt have a supportive family, that is her issue. She also should have friends around her. I would worry about someone who's only support in life is one man, it puts an awful lot of pressure on that man and it doesnt sound that normal or healthy. I would say this even if they were still together and delighted about the baby.

I agree 100% with your last comment.

gavney1 wrote: »

You're technically correct, but we haven't heard her side. But because she is clearly very upset, she obviously has alot of feelings for him, or is feeling very lonely. Maybe she thinks he wants to get back together? And then finds out he's sleeping with others?

Nope we havent heard her side, which is why im not trying to form a one sided view, im looking at this from all angles and im not slating anyone, while others are looking at it from her POV and then slating the OP, without having all the facts.

ztoical

Barracudaincork wrote: »

The fact she hasnt told her family is not his fault, she has the relationship with them, not him, he cannot be blamed or expected to pick up the pieces if she doesnt have a supportive family, that is her issue. She also should have friends around her. I would worry about someone who's only support in life is one man, it puts an awful lot of pressure on that man and it doesnt sound that normal or healthy. I would say this even if they were still together and delighted about the baby.

I'm not saying it's his fault she is in the situation she is in, like I said it takes two to make a baby but the OP needs to think about the over all situation here, bit of common sense to be honest. The ex is pregnant, hormonal, confused, and is either [a] sleeping with me cus she thinks it will get him back or sleeping with him cus she just wants to have sex, I'm going with option a based on the OP's comments of her being mad at him for sleeping with other girls, that makes it imply she thought them sleeping together meant something more then just sex.

Either way the OP should back off as he needs to have some sort of relationship with this girl in order to have access to his child. While she can't legally keep the child from him, she can sure as hell make it very difficult if she wants. Plenty of stories on here about fathers having to fight the courts just to see their child.

The OP hasn't made an implication in his posts that he wants to get back with this girl, in fact he has stated he is seeing someone else [sort of] so why is he sleeping with her? While it is a free country and he is free to sleep with whomever he wishes, just because she is up for sex with him doesn't mean its a smart move on his part. Like it or not him and this girl are tied together for prob the rest of their lives so think long long long term...they both may end up in different relationships with more children but they will always share this child.

Barracudaincork

ztoical wrote: »

I'm not saying it's his fault she is in the situation she is in, like I said it takes two to make a baby but the OP needs to think about the over all situation here, bit of common sense to be honest. The ex is pregnant, hormonal, confused, and is either [a] sleeping with me cus she thinks it will get him back or sleeping with him cus she just wants to have sex, I'm going with option a based on the OP's comments of her being mad at him for sleeping with other girls, that makes it imply she thought them sleeping together meant something more then just sex.

Either way the OP should back off as he needs to have some sort of relationship with this girl in order to have access to his child. While she can't legally keep the child from him, she can sure as hell make it very difficult if she wants. Plenty of stories on here about fathers having to fight the courts just to see their child.

The OP hasn't made an implication in his posts that he wants to get back with this girl, in fact he has stated he is seeing someone else [sort of] so why is he sleeping with her? While it is a free country and he is free to sleep with whomever he wishes, just because she is up for sex with him doesn't mean its a smart move on his part. Like it or not him and this girl are tied together for prob the rest of their lives so think long long long term...they both may end up in different relationships with more children but they will always share this child.

Is what you are saying above different to what i said in my post below?

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP it appears that most of the posters here think you force your ex to have sex, she doesnt have a say in the matter according to them! People are focusing on the fact you are still sleeping with her etc etc they seem to forget that she in turn is sleeping with you and no one is making her, she chooses to herself. You are single you can sleep with whom and as many as you like. This is a fact!

However, lets add some reality and respect for someone else into the equation and although you arent doing anything wrong, you arent doing anything right either!!

This lady is the mother of your child, a child which will be the most precious thing in your life and you will never forgive yourself for treating their Mum like crap and neither will they. You need to look towards your future, a future that has now changed and you need to change with it, its not about you anymore, its about the baby and how you are going to be a father to it and a joint parent to it. Respect your ex and do the right thing.

gavney1

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Nope we havent heard her side, which is why im not trying to form a one sided view, im looking at this from all angles and im not slating anyone, while others are looking at it from her POV and then slating the OP, without having all the facts.

we don't have her POV, but we do know one thing - that she's very upset by him sleeping with her and with others - he, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care, it's just a ride - does that not sound alarm bells in ur head!!!

She is obviously really upset, and it doesn't take a genius to work out why.

gavney1

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP it appears that most of the posters here think you force your ex to have sex, she doesnt have a say in the matter according to them! People are focusing on the fact you are still sleeping with her etc etc they seem to forget that she in turn is sleeping with you and no one is making her, she chooses to herself. You are single you can sleep with whom and as many as you like. This is a fact!

Of course she has a say - but she obviously sees the sex as something completely different to what he sees. He's leading her on, whether he realises it or not.

Barracudaincork

gavney1 wrote: »

we don't have her POV, but we do know one thing - that she's very upset by him sleeping with her and with others - he, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care, it's just a ride - does that not sound alarm bells in ur head!!!

She is obviously really upset, and it doesn't take a genius to work out why.

We also know that she has sex with him too! She is allowing herself to be treated by him like this also, she has to take responsibility for her own actions, pregnant or not, she is still an adult who makes decisions and has to be accountable for those decisions.

If she is so upset, then she should stop sleeping with him, it doesnt take a genius to work that out either!

Barracudaincork

gavney1 wrote: »

Of course she has a say - but she obviously sees the sex as something completely different to what he sees. He's leading her on, whether he realises it or not.

Agreed she sees him as something and he sees her as something else, however as we are talking about an adult here she is letting herself be led by someone, why doesnt she grow up and have the guts to say no im no longer sleeping with you as this hurts, instead she sleeps with him and the OP is the baddie and she is the innocent victim, she needs to take responsibility for herself.

gavney1

Ok, Barracuda, I get ur point, fair enough, everyone needs to take responsibility for themselves.

But that doesn't make what the OP has done any less selfish and jerkish.

Yes, he IS a baddie.

She, however is NOT a baddie, she may be stupid, but she's not a baddie. The fact that she is stupid does not, IMO, make what he has done any less horrible.

Imagine ur friends house is robbed. Your friend doesn't have a security alarm. Is ur response going to be "well, it's 50% the burglars fault, 50% yours for not having an alarm"

I mean, if you want to go ahead and criticize the girl for being stupid, that's one thing, but defending the OP is another

Barracudaincork

gavney1 wrote: »

Ok, Barracuda, I get ur point, fair enough, everyone needs to take responsibility for themselves.

But that doesn't make what the OP has done any less selfish and jerkish.

Yes, he IS a baddie.

She, however is NOT a baddie, she may be stupid, but she's not a baddie. The fact that she is stupid does not, IMO, make what he has done any less horrible.

Imagine ur friends house is robbed. Your friend doesn't have a security alarm. Is ur response going to be "well, it's 50% the burglars fault, 50% yours for not having an alarm"

I mean, if you want to go ahead and criticize the girl for being stupid, that's one thing, but defending the OP is another

I am not defending the OP, you can see from a previous post I said he needs to respect his ex and do the right thing. I am simply pointing out that she has her part to play in this too and he shouldnt just be seen as the baddie and her the victim. I also dont criticize her for being stupid, i dont think she is stupid at all, i think she doesnt respect herself as much as she should, as anyone should.

Re the burglary comment, no i wouldnt say that, but if they left the windows open and the place was there waiting to be burgled then i would say something, but only if they kept going on about how unfair it was to be burgled when i left all the windows open. If they didnt say anything about it being unfair, i wouldnt pass any comment. Again people have to be responsible for their actions. Which is why i say this girl need to take responsibility for her own, no matter how sh!t her life is at the moment.

gavney1

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I am not defending the OP, you can see from a previous post I said he needs to respect his ex and do the right thing. I am simply pointing out that she has her part to play in this too and he shouldnt just be seen as the baddie and her the victim. I also dont criticize her for being stupid, i dont think she is stupid at all, i think she doesnt respect herself as much as she should, as anyone should.

You don't reckon this is defending him?

"OP it appears that most of the posters here think you force your ex to have sex, she doesnt have a say in the matter according to them! People are focusing on the fact you are still sleeping with her etc etc they seem to forget that she in turn is sleeping with you and no one is making her, she chooses to herself. You are single you can sleep with whom and as many as you like. This is a fact"

Personally, I DON'T think he has the right to sleep with whoever he likes, if one of those people is his pregnant ex-gf. Yes, the LAW will allow him to as long as both parties consent, but that doesn't mean it's right to do so if it means hurting people he supposedly "loves"

The Corinthian

gavney1 wrote: »

Personally, I DON'T think he has the right to sleep with whoever he likes, if one of those people is his pregnant ex-gf. Yes, the LAW will allow him to as long as both parties consent, but that doesn't mean it's right to do so if it means hurting people he supposedly "loves"

Yeah, and personally I don't think that it's right to do that she can unilaterally decide that she does not want to be a mother she can toddle off to the UK or if she does she can drag him along for the ride, but there you go - the law says otherwise :rolleyes:

That's life. Get over it.

TBH, I've looked read this thread and have done my best to keep out of it, but at this stage I despair with the discussion taking place.

Both the man and woman in this situation are presently making countless mistakes. Neither can see the wood from the trees and so it is natural that they are both reacting in irrational ways. She's clinging to a fantasy of a relationship, while he's clinging to a fantasy of freedom - and both are acting accordingly.

Both of them need to inform themselves on both their rights and responsibility quickly. The OP appears to be confused on his, as he seemed to think that he has to support her - he doesn't. All he needs (is legally required) to do is contribute towards the child's expenses. She needs to understand the realities, financial and otherwise, of becoming a single mother - as she is still living in fantasy relationship land where he's going to support her.

Secondly they need to sit down and be brutally honest with each other. Not say things that they think the other side wants to hear. Not say things that would make the other side more 'agreeable'. Not say things because they are 'doing the right thing'. Brutal honesty - both of them want to know where they stand.

Neither of them is either good or evil at present. The are both in a very difficult situation that completely fscks with even the most disciplined mind and the absolute worst thing that you can do is advise on the basis of middle-class morality as has been taking place here.

gavney1

The Corinthian wrote: »

Yeah, and personally I don't think that it's right to do that she can unilaterally decide that she does not want to be a mother she can toddle off to the UK or if she does she can drag him along for the ride, but there you go - the law says otherwise :rolleyes:

since when do two wrongs make a right?:rolleyes:

LegacyUser

I might not of made this clear in my other posts but I'm not currently "sleeping" with my ex. We weren't as it goes "sleeping together" as a regular thing, it happened a few times -under 5. We havn't slept together since Christmas.

I don't think as one poster said my ex is trying to trap me. She's not like that + definitely dindn't plan this, we used protection but it didn't work. We also discussed an abortion but we both were against it.

Fair enough I've given her mixed messages, I'm not going to lie, I have but thats simply because I can't make up my mind what I want.

The Corinthian

gavney1 wrote: »

since when do two wrongs make a right?:rolleyes:

How the fsck did you manage to misinterpret that I was saying? Surely what I wrote could not have been that complicated?

metrovelvet

There is nothing worse than a prevaricating father, and i mean NOTHING. GO away and leave her in peace.

You have three months to make up your mind. And if you dont support her, dont expect her support later when you cant get the chlild into a carseat or cant cope with a tantrum.

LegacyUser

I posted earlier, as someone who has been on the receiving end of 'I don't know what i want', I can completely relate to her attitude towards you.
You may think this is a simple thing, where you can decide what you want out of this situation, but the reality of having a baby is that it was the two of who made it, whatever your romantic relationship may be, you need to realise that your relationship has changed now forever. Whether sleeping with other people is right or wrong is irrelevant, does it hurt her? Why would you want to do that!
You may think you can 'walk away', but in reality that is an incredibly difficult for a man to do, when you see that baby you will never want to leave it.
The other reality is that you will be in contact with this girl for a long long time, and if you want to make all your lives a little bit less difficult, you need to learn to have RESPECT for her, I am not talking in a boyfrined way, if thats not what you want, but you will be co-parenting, and trust me, that is a challenge even for people on the best of terms.
You are not starting this relationship very well with your behavior, your being really really selfish in fact. While you toss and turn debating what you WANT, you are not for one second thinking about what she WANTS, and her choices are seriously limited in comparison you what you are whinging on about...
You need to understand, that your behavior is making a really hard situation so much more painful, she is probably really sad, being pregnant, when you dont want to be is hard, as a woman, your supposed to be happy, its what your made to do and all that c***, and you are making it not only sad, but probably feel wrong!
We grow up in a society full of predjudices, and being pregnant by a guy who is sleeping around is humiliating and there is NOTHING she can do to control your behavior, you have to do that.
As i said, this relationship will last a long time, you should really be thinking about how you can make it better for all of you, not just you.
Trust me on this, in the long term, having respect for her (and vice versa) is going to make you so much happier, because she'll be happy, ye'll be happy, and you will have a happy child...
That will make you vary happy, you have to take my word for this, but you need to start having some respect for her now or her every memory of making your baby will be horrible and that will last forever...
Good luck, i just hope you see sense and stop worrying about whether your justified in sleeping with other people, it is just so petty in the big picture, i mean seriously, are you that bloody h**rny that you cant just wait until she gives birth to your child!!!

I hope you start focusing on trying to make this situation better for both of you instead of hurting her.

beauty101

Ugh...your story is all too familiar to me! I know how ur ex feels and you are being a real d**k. She's 6 months gone...you clearly have NO idea what it feels like to be pregnant! It messes up your thinking + your emotions and you are playing with her. She must feel so alone.

You should be there for your ex + your baby...believe me in the future you're going to regret missing all that time your babys growing. You already missed her scans, probably the first kick too. You havn't been there for all the s****y times like the morning sickness etc. but yet you expect to be welcomed into the good times.

The person/people that said that his ex-girlfriend isn't totally innocent + it takes 2 to tango + all that s**t are pretty damn cold...yes she's innocent. He said they used protection, she wasn't asking for a baby! + you're obviously a real head-wrecker..being with her one minute, then off with somebody else + sleeping around...what about when your other women find out about the baby? Your not going to be very popular then.

I can empathise with your ex, having gone through a similar situation myself + you really need to act like a man instead of a horny kid. You're a father now, show some responsibility or just leave her alone. She deserves better than you.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think you should have a good talk and come to an agreement that however badly you two are getting along, you won't start sniping at each other through the kid.

Establish a plan for going forward. Decide how often and when which one of you will be looking after your child.

Discuss money. If she doesn't have a job and is going to be the main custody parent offer her a certain amount of money you'll pay every week.

Try and be friendly. Establish that your arguments/grievences can't ever be put ahead of your child's welfare.

If you're going to continue sleeping around bloody be discreet about it. I cannot fathom how you don't understand why that's hurting her. Also aren't you worried you could get someone else pregnant?

Victor

beauty101 wrote: »

Ugh...your story is all too familiar to me! I know how ur ex feels and you are being a real d**k.

No need for that. Please go read the charter.

LegacyUser

beauty101 wrote: »

I can empathise with your ex, having gone through a similar situation myself + you really need to act like a man instead of a horny kid. You're a father now, show some responsibility or just leave her alone.

Well then what do I do?

I would of thought posting this is showing some degree of responsibility + shows I care! And also trying to meet up with her.

If she asked me to I'd be there for her but she doesn't ask so I don't feel involved

Tail Wagger

watdoido wrote: »

As the title says, my ex girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, baby is definitely mine. We broke up 8 months ago + one-off nights spent with her has led to the baby.

We're both in our early 20s + have decided to keep the baby. I havn't been involved with the pregnancy really because of work + we don't live together + I havn't a clue how to support her.

Neither of our parents know yet but we've both told a few mates. Her friends think I'm being a s*** in the way I've been acting, because I have slept with several girls since knowing that my ex is pregnant, is that wrong? I have also slept with my ex on occassions but we fight alot because she says I'm being unfair to her + our kid.

My mates say that I should leave her be with the baby + just be there when she needs me + get involved when the baby's born.

I really dont know what to do. I want to be in the baby's life but it comes with my ex. I do still love her but I want to be single + free. But half of me thinks we should move in together + I should be looking after her.

All advice would be appreciated

---

To me it looks like a typical situation of cat and mouse, you don't want your ex but she wants to trap you.
If you'd been apart for 6 months and then you meet up and have a hot night
both of you should have taken precautions, but I'm not making an issue on that alone.

Some posters have suggested you both tell your own patents, I agree and strongly recommend that you do as soon as possible, or your friends mates might do it fo you.

In a situation like this it's not the end of the world, think of your ex and the baby that is on the way. I don't mean go off and marry the girl, just support her. I'm sure both families will support both of you in your time of need.

It's obvious you don't want to spend the rest of your life with your ex, that's fine maybe in time you both can just act like parents and not be blaming each other for what has happened.

Remember this child is a wonderful gift to both of you and I think the best thing for all involved is to sit down and talk about this up and coming event.
Take one step at a time, tell both sets of parents first then look after the ex and your baby to be. When the baby is born healthy then you can both decide what the future holds for you both, but remember you just can't turn your back on your own baby..... good luck.

Kimia

Tail Wagger wrote: »

---

...you don't want your ex but she wants to trap you..

I agree with most everythign else you said, but where did you get that she wants to 'trap' him?