I don't want to screw this up

LegacyUser

I met a guy 3 weeks ago. We were both drunk, I was after a ONS and we had sex. He stayed overnight and called the next day. We met up a few days later where I told him I wasn't interested in getting into a casual sex kind of thing. He said he initially wanted a ONS too but he was liking me the more he got to know me and wanted to see where it went.

So we've been out for drinks in the local a couple of times, hung out at mine a couple of times. We're both mid 20s but he lives at home and I have a toddler so he calls over after the baby is in bed, we hang out, make out etc and after a while he goes home.
He texts me every day, we meet up at least every couple of days. We got on amazingly well and I really like him.

I was badly badly burned by my babys dad and I'm now starting to panic over things with this guy. I think he likes me but I fret that it's all about the sex with him. We haven't had full sex in a week as I told him I had my period but I have given him hand jobs (sorry if too much info). Part of me thinks he likes me but another part is convinced I'm being used due to bad experiences in the past.
He was out drinking with his friends last night and he was texting me on his way home, he didn't go to the nightclub although his friends did. There was no chance of him calling over so it wasn't a text for sex, just a usual goodnight one.
I haven't allowed myself to get involved with anyone since my ex and I can feel myself starting to like this guy and now the paranoia and insecurity is starting. I want to back off and I keep going to do things that I just KNOW will scare him off. But I don't want to scare him off. But I'm torturing myself with the idea that he's using me or he's off "doing" other people (which of course he is entitled to do!).


I dont' want to mess this up. I like him. But it's like a compulsion for me to do something stupid at this stage and send him running. How do I calm the fcuk down and relax??

I know I sound like a crazy person and I'm not usually but in terms of relationships, I'm petrified and this panic eans I behave irrationally at times.

AvaKinder

I suggest talking to him and explaining how your feeling. It may seem scary, but it'll give him a heads up if you do end up panicing and trying to push him away and you'll know where you stand before you get more attatched.

Especially with the kid involved I'm sure he's probably nervous himself. But I doubt he'd stick around just for sex if you made it clear you didn't want that. But if you're worried he's with other people, definitely have a chat and you can both talk about where you stand.

LegacyUser

AvaKinder wrote: »

I suggest talking to him and explaining how your feeling. It may seem scary, but it'll give him a heads up if you do end up panicing and trying to push him away and you'll know where you stand before you get more attatched.

Especially with the kid involved I'm sure he's probably nervous himself. But I doubt he'd stick around just for sex if you made it clear you didn't want that. But if you're worried he's with other people, definitely have a chat and you can both talk about where you stand.

OP here. I've wanted to talk to him about this but is it not too much to admit after just a few weeks? I don't want to scare him off either by admitting I'm usually paranoid and nuerotic in a relationship lol.
Would that not ruin things by being too intense?

Sharlovesjohn

messer upper wrote: »

OP here. I've wanted to talk to him about this but is it not too much to admit after just a few weeks? I don't want to scare him off either by admitting I'm usually paranoid and nuerotic in a relationship lol.
Would that not ruin things by being too intense?

Op I dont think this guy will see it as coming on to much if you take right approach to it ?

He knows you have responbilities etc and has already said he'd like to see where things are going!

Just relax - have you alot of free time to be thinking about him etc maybe keep yourself busy so you wont be stressing and gettign things into your mind I know from experience it wont help how your feeling

Maybe try writing down those crazy feelings (even in a letter style for himself but never to really hand over!) Reread them back and you'll soon realise if your been silly or not!

Mozart1986

I usually find that people are scared off by candidness early on. Approaching it the right way is fine, but in an insecure irratic state that is almost impossible to do. You may or may not like my advice, but I would cool off with the sex/hand-jobs a bit. You child can sense your unease and you should try to keep calm and put his/her interests in front of your own. If he likes you he'll be content with a less sexually intimate affectionate relationship. The sex will only confuse you. It always seems to confuse in these situations, and the last thing your child needs is lads coming in and out of sexual relationships with you (not that thats what you do, just sayin'). He/she needs a paternal influence. Thats my advice. Don't worry about scaring him off, worry about being too intimate too soon.

Others will disagree, but honestly, I think thats the best thing.

Goodluck, I hope it works out for ya;)

LegacyUser

Mozart1986 wrote: »

You child can sense your unease and you should try to keep calm and put his/her interests in front of your own. If he likes you he'll be content with a less sexually intimate affectionate relationship. The sex will only confuse you. It always seems to confuse in these situations, and the last thing your child needs is lads coming in and out of sexual relationships with you (not that thats what you do, just sayin'). He/she needs a paternal influence. Thats my advice. Don't worry about scaring him off, worry about being too intimate too soon.

OP here. I appreciate the input but my child has nothing to do with it. My child can sense nothing and I always put my childs interests ahead of my own and always will. Thats part of the excuse my ex gave for leaving me for another woman.

I have no intention of letting my child have a string of lads in and out of our lives. I also have a paternal influence for the child. My ex, the childs father.

Sharlovesjohn wrote:

Op I dont think this guy will see it as coming on to much if you take right approach to it ?

He knows you have responbilities etc and has already said he'd like to see where things are going!

Just relax - have you alot of free time to be thinking about him etc maybe keep yourself busy so you wont be stressing and gettign things into your mind I know from experience it wont help how your feeling

Maybe try writing down those crazy feelings (even in a letter style for himself but never to really hand over!) Reread them back and you'll soon realise if your been silly or not!

I actually think the bolded part is the crux of the issue. My best friend has been away for a few weeks and I've been stony broke so most evenings have been spent sitting inside once the baby is in bed or else spent with this guy.

I think I'll knock the phone off this evening and take some time for myself with a glass of wine and a good book and just relax a bit.
Thanks

Mozart1986

messer upper wrote: »

OP here. I appreciate the input but my child has nothing to do with it. My child can sense nothing and I always put my childs interests ahead of my own and always will. Thats part of the excuse my ex gave for leaving me for another woman.

I have no intention of letting my child have a string of lads in and out of our lives. I also have a paternal influence for the child. My ex, the childs father.

I don't know what you're getting so ratty for. You seem to agree with me and yet you make plainly false statements just to rebuke what was friendly advice. But if your ex said what I said and didn't think you got the point, well maybe you should listen up and stop being so quick on the offensive.

Sharlovesjohn

op - no worries glad I could help!

Mozart1986 - I do understand where op is coming from you suggest she cool her sex life because of her child which has nothing to do with her problem and seeing as more or less nothing as been happed I can see why op would get a little 'ratty' as you said. Her feelings as she said would not have an affect on her child otherwise she'd have stated,
no offence just felt you were been a little harsh on that issue

LegacyUser

Mozart1986 wrote: »

I don't know what you're getting so ratty for. You seem to agree with me and yet you make plainly false statements just to rebuke what was friendly advice. But if your ex said what I said and didn't think you got the point, well maybe you should listen up and stop being so quick on the offensive.

I'm just a bit offended that you suggested that I was putting a man ahead of my child or my confusion over this relationship would somehow affect my child.
I didn't agree with you. I thanked you for your input.
I didn't make any false statements.
My ex was always giving out that I put the baby ahead of him. That is what I said. He didn't like that all my decisions revolved around what was best for the child. Maybe you should read my post again.

StillWaters

I'm sort of with Mozart on this one. As a fellow single parent, I would take issue with the fact that you have this guy round to yours after only a couple of weeks. I know logistically it can be difficult, but you really should be dating at this stage, and then only later when you are sure of him, should he come round to yours, whether or not the baby is in bed.

I don't think you are sure of him, do I have it right that you lied that you had your period so that you wouldn't be pressured into sex?

I do think you should step back, the only way to be sure that he is not just 'using' you for sex, is to not have a sexual relationship with him until you are comfortable.

LegacyUser

StillWaters wrote: »

I'm sort of with Mozart on this one. As a fellow single parent, I would take issue with the fact that you have this guy round to yours after only a couple of weeks. I know logistically it can be difficult, but you really should be dating at this stage, and then only later when you are sure of him, should he come round to yours, whether or not the baby is in bed.

I don't think you are sure of him, do I have it right that you lied that you had your period so that you wouldn't be pressured into sex?

I do think you should step back, the only way to be sure that he is not just 'using' you for sex, is to not have a sexual relationship with him until you are comfortable.

Well as a fellow single parent you will also know that babysitters are expensive and spare time is a rarity.
The ex has the child one weekend per month from saturday morning to sunday lunchtime. I work full time and pay through the nose for creche etc. I don't have family support and unless he calls over to me I see him once a month and thats hardly going to work out especially as I usually have plans for those weekends.

I didn't lie about having my period. I did have it. I said that to show that it might not be just about sex as he still met me and we went out even though sex was off the cards and he knew that.

To be honest, I have no concerns about my mothering abilities or about having him in my home nor do I have any concerns about this affecting my child as it will not. I will ensure that, the same as I always do.
I mentioned the child as I felt it was relevant. The usual rule of thumb for the whole "is he using me for sex" question is "does he spend the night or leave right after?". I figured this would be the first response so I mentioned the fact that my child resides with me to put paid to this question. He cannot stay. I wouldn't allow it.

So, could we stick to the issue at hand, as in me and him and not about me as a mother. It doesn't completely define who I am and what I do.

If I had concerns about my child I'd post on parenting. I really don't mean that in a snotty way. I just find that as soon as someone mentions they are a single parent the responses basically become "you shouldn't have sex or relationships because you've a child". Again, the child is not an issue in terms of how she is being treated or what she is being subjected to. I am an amazing mother and she is my world. There is no concern there I assure you all.

Sharlovesjohn

StillWaters wrote: »

I'm sort of with Mozart on this one. As a fellow single parent, I would take issue with the fact that you have this guy round to yours after only a couple of weeks. I know logistically it can be difficult, but you really should be dating at this stage, and then only later when you are sure of him, should he come round to yours, whether or not the baby is in bed.

I don't think you are sure of him, do I have it right that you lied that you had your period so that you wouldn't be pressured into sex?

I do think you should step back, the only way to be sure that he is not just 'using' you for sex, is to not have a sexual relationship with him until you are comfortable.

I dont see a problem with him coming over to hers after only knowing him a few weeks - she likes him its her home so why not? Just because she has a child doesnt mean she cant have friends over?
She is sure of him she just has issues because of a past relationship
She doesnt have to cool all sexual relations with him to find out if he's after sex she can ask him?
Advice I have given before I stand by more -you like this guy you just need to relax we've all been there burned and fearing in new relationship it will happen again Ive puinished new bfs for what hurt old bfs have cause dont let that happen here take your time and get to know him you'll soon know yourself if its going anywhere

GOOD LUCK XX