Can't see a future

LegacyUser

I'm a male in my late 20s, I guess I naturally have a pessimistic, although more often realistic, outlook on life. Apologies for the length of this post.

I was bullied quite a lot when I was younger, and in my teens. My parents divorced when I was very young and I feel that has affected me big time. I was "an accident," Dad didn't bother with me, my Mum got pregnant despite the fact that her marriage was faltering.

I haven't spoken to my biological father for several years now. He lives abroad. I feel I have nothing in common with him. I have no interest in keeping in touch, although he would like to.

Get on ok with stepfather who has brought me up since I was 4 though.

My situation at the moment is that I'm living at home, younger brother in early 20s and sister in her late 30s also still at home. Brother was diagnosed with mild paranoid schizophrenia 2 years ago. He beat me and my sister up in early December. He's now on medication that makes him physically jerky, loses his temper very quickly, goes around in a dream, but no more violence since. I worry about him as he doesn't look after his teeth, eats a lot of junk food, sweets, drinks coke practically nonstop although he's very intelligent as well and I've stumbled across notes in his room thinking about cancer cures.

Sister now doing ok but we had many years when the house was a very violent and stressful place, culminating in her being sectioned for 3 weeks.

So last year in June out of the blue I had an email from the mother of a friend of mine saying that she had died of cancer at just age 33.

I immediately fled from my computer and cried alot of tears alone outside in the summer sunshine. Up until probably last December I was crying alot in the evenings. I seem better now but still think about her alot, more than I'm comfortable with.

This friend who died, I met her in 1999 when I started uni. She was 5 years older than me. Long story short, I fell head over heels in love with her at uni. I feel I had a couple of chances to move the relationship on from a very good friendship, but didn't take the opportunities. At the time I was suffering from depression sometimes and didn't realise I had a chance with girls at uni until after the moments had passed, by which time it was too late.

I wonder was this my one chance in life for happiness. My uni years spent with this girl were the happiest of my life, despite the depression I sometimes suffered from. I would've gladly married her, settled down and had kids with her.

When she passed away, I'm convinced that part of me died as well.

Bringing me back to now. I have no real friends. No real social life. Have made failed attempts at asking girls out to no avail. Have never had a proper girlfriend. I'm not comfortable in large groups of people, am ok in small groups, but I'm a better listener than a talker.

I spend my time either sleeping, working, watching TV or DVDs or reading. I bought a new bike last year and went out on it to a forest where I used to enjoy cycling when I was younger. But on my new bike I didn't enjoy it at all. I felt almost totally numb, didn't feel any real enjoyment, again it was like I was going through the motions.

Career/jobwise I'm in a situation where I could get into a lot of trouble very quickly for reasons I won't go into. But to any outsiders looking in, I am reasonably successfully self-employed.

I look at older people and I don't see myself at that age. When I think about the future it is very uncertain. I don't really see myself in a relationship - although I'd like to be - or having kids.

I'd hate to live on my own. I shared a house for several years at uni and made 3 friends I see maybe once a year as they live abroad. I can't see myself leaving home anytime soon. Don't really want to share a house again with housemates.

I'm realistic enough to know that if I'm still around, my brother might live with me one day and need care of some sort. He can't really look after himself properly. And that's if I am still around in the first place.

There's some kind of hazy future, but I'm not in it. I'm pessimistic about the world anyway, what with the economy and climate change.

So I don't see much of a future in the long term. Short term I manage day to day, but I feel as if I'm just trudging through and going through the motions.

Is it time to seriously look at getting some counselling, or will that just involve going over all of the above once again with no practical or helpful outcomes?

At the moment I don't really care about my future, and whether I have one or not.

Victor

Have you spoken to anyone about your loss? While it might sound a bit "meh" if could also be very useful. http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/death/bereavement-counselling-and-support/bereavement_counselling_andsupport_services

Thank you for writing what you wrote.

LisaMe

Well done for being so brave- you are a strong person!

I think that your issues and background are well beyond the scope of this forum.... I think that counselling will really help. You've been through alot- don't be afraid to ask for help.

LegacyUser

messeditup, you seem depressed and need to face up to that and get help. You should go and see your GP as soon as possible. You haven't done anything wrong, there are loads more like you out there. I should warn you, your GP will probably put you on some anti-depressant medication.
I know it's not nice but it's for the best. I am on them myself and yes it is a blow to the morale but you need to do it for your own good.
I feel terribly sorry for you about the death of the girl you knew in college, that must be hard for you but you are strong, you will deal with it.
Stop beating yourself up about the possibilities you missed out on, it wasn't your fault.
We are lucky in this day and age that there are loads of professional people out there dedicated to helping people like you, I just hope you will them the chance.
All the best mate, I admire your honesty, I really mean that.