Feel like giving up

LegacyUser

Hi there I'm sorry if this turns into a rant but I need to vent - I'm fed up talking to people - have tried talking to friends, parents AND a psychotherapist before and to be honest I'm fed up because a) i feel like i'm making my friends and parents feel bad and b) i don't want to have to pay someone to listen to me when I'm obviously not gonna feel any better no matter how much talking i do.

Basically, I'm a 21 year old female, have never had a boyfriend, have never been asked on a date (and i've never asked a guy on a date either, but i know they'd say no anyway - any guys i know just see me as a friend and any guys i meet out are just after one-night stand). I've never had sex and I feel like I'm missing out. I just want someone to find me attractive. I see guys coming on to all my female friends, buying them drinks, asking for their number etc but no guy has ever asked me for my number, i've kissed plenty of random guys on nights out but none of them want to know me after i politely decline their offer to go back to "their place" etc... I just wonder what am i doing wrong? I don't think I give off a pathetic needy vibe or anything... none of my friends seem to think I do. And I do generally try to give off a happy vibe. I think I've gotten to the stage where I just feel like I'll never be able to be close to a guy. Any closeness (physically) just makes me uncomfortable. Like my inexperience affects my confidence around them.

I also feel like i'm never going to be happy (or even just content).... i felt great after seeing a psychotherapist for 6 months - thought I'd change my life around - I started to lose weight (I've always been overweight) and felt great about myself. However that was two years ago and I've since put all the weight back on (plus more) andi just don't see the point in trying anymore. Nothing changed after psychotherapy - okay well my parents' bank balance went down, I felt happy for a while, fair enough, but then I still was single, still kept eating, and eventually here i am, feeling even worse than i did when i was younger. I just feel like no matter what happens i will never be content. I just don't know what to do any more. I sometimes think of suicide, but then i don't have the guts and keep thinking "what if" my life could turn around and i could find something that makes me happy and if i died i would miss out on that...

It's hard to keep that hope up though (that things will change) - does anyone have any advice on how to get through this? I know some people will say "things" don't need to change, that I just need to change my mentality, but it's not that easy and I've tried for too long.

I am so sorry for the long post/rant, and I'm sorry if it's incoherent, but this has been building up for a while now and I feel at an all-time low,,,

Denerick

Hi, sorry to hear of your plight.

First of all I heartily recommend that you don't let some random lad into your bed. Being a virgin at 21 isn't that unusual. One of the worst things about our generation is our obsession with sex and body image and the stress this puts on people (Particularly girls) There's far more to life than relationships, so you have to ask yourself what you're really passionate about. It is not so much about finding a replacement, but having a goal in life. For example, if you enjoy reading, then why not join a book club? Or if you are into gardening then volunteer somewhere etc. etc. etc. Life is full of possibilities and only you can make them happen.

The above is something of a platitude but sometimes platitudes are what people need to hear. On a more concentrated level, you should consider trying to do something independent of both your parents and your closest friends. You are 21 and have no obligations, no kids, no career. You'll never have this time again. You should consider travelling, alone if needs be. Plenty of young people (Particularly in this economic climate) are taking up teaching English abroad - its ideal for the likes of you who are feeling somewhat pissed off and restless. It'll open your horizons to a new culture (The irish drink culture and the increasingly sexualised atmosphere doesn't suit everyone) From what you say you don't seem to have depression or any serious mental illness (You haven't mentioned any and you say your pyschotherapist isn't doing you any good) so why not just head for the horizon? Realistically, what's holding you back? You have a severe case of misanthropy and I honestly think that for people like you, travelling is the answer. You'll find yourself and your true identity once forced to assimilate into a new culture and a new social group.

LegacyUser

I'm going to keep this short and sweet.
Maybe you just need to find your real passion, be it sport, a hobby, etc? It might sound traditional but try a new hobby, even if you hate it you might end up meeting someone at it who you'll hit it off with!
Also, I second the above post, 21 and being a virgin is very common for both guys and girls. What do you think will really make you happy? If you have any idea deep, deep down seize it. I only found out a few days ago that a guy I was friends with commit suicide, I didn't know him all that well but it has still left me, my friends, his family, etc very distraught.
Those guys who you think see you as a friend would be gutted if you died. You have a lot more than some people

force majeure

This is a tough one. First off let me ask you this, at 21 do you think its all over. How do you know what the next 10 years have in store. I must ask you this as sometimes we get mislaid by troubles we have this year while giving no thought to next year.
Also I do hope most sincerely you do not tale the previous suggestions too seriously as being alone with no boyfriend at 21 is noting as you would be gobsmacked at the number off unconnected people that are out their at any age... so do not get a lad in to bed just for the sake off it.
Next try and look at what may be the case in a few months time, no point in tricking you in to thinking all well be well in a week as it may not be.
Also look to who you currently have in you life, you are not alone, never assume you are as my brother some 10 years ago assumed he was and did a dreadful thing as result and if you value any one in life you well not put them through anything drastic... its not as if you have a heart off stone is it.
Finally, trust me on this, what bad today is nothing compared to what good time may come...

cafecolour

It sounds like psychotherapy worked for a while, you just lost the mindset after you left it. Perhaps try it again for a longer space of time. Or join a weight loss support group or similar.

LegacyUser

Heya,

I read your post and felt i should reply in someway so i hope what i say can make some positive impact.

As some of the previous replies have said about being 21 and a virgin, really you prob are 1 of the lucky ones to still have it to share with someone special and not to just throw it away on a 1 night stand or a boy who charms you after a few drinks, you'll know yourself when it is right and when it does happen you will be glad.

Everyone has bad days, weeks, months. sometimes we need the bad days to know the good days .

You mentioned about how people have said to you about changing your mentality on things. I went through a real negative time where i just though things were never going to change but they did, and it was me that changed them, just like you can change your bad days cause you have the power to it and no one else. if things aren't going the way you want them to, then stop acknowledge it and see how you can change it.

What I did and it worked for me was the following;
- every night before i went to sleep i thanked god or the universe or what or who ever you believed in for all the good i have in my life such as my close freinds, my family, my health, small opportunities etc. you'll know yourself - count your blessings
- i focused on the good things during the day, no matter how small they were, even if it was the sun shining or the fact i could get up in the morning
- i surrounded myself with the things i enjoyed, i went for a walk most days cause i like nature, i volunteered with local youth club, met up with my friends at their house or mine instead of going out,
- i also read a booked called the secret it helped me be more positive, you can google it they have a website,

take from what i did if it helps you but add your own little tricks and you will see the real you emerge from this.

in 10 years time if you had to write a review of your life from the last 10 years what would you like to see in that review??? only you can decide and only you can make it happen, your family and friends are great support and are there for you whatever you decide to do but you have to do the work.

I hope what i said makes sense and that you can take some little gem from it and apply it to your own life. On those bad days just come and read the posts here, we dont know you but the fact that you had the courage to tell your story has made us reach out to you.

Take Care

LisaMe

Hiya!

I'm 22 and don't have a boyfriend and don't particularly feel ready for one either. Most of my friends are single.

One night stands will not make you feel more attractive, more than likely you'll feel cheap!!

I struggled with eating with years and went to various different counselors but the only place that really helped me was Marino Therapy Centre, it's amazing counselling if you turn to food as a crutch)

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Well I can empathise with you a lot. Although get this:28, and a virgin. How do you think I feel?
To cut a long story short, I slowly ground to a halt about 2 years ago when I started to get depressed. Spent over 2 years like that. Multiple factors resulted in it, namely loneliness, isolation, a deep shame over my lack of boyfriends etc. ANyhow, I slowly started to realise that I needed to speak to someone, as, along with the depression I know that I have some childhood issues too.
So, I'm 7 sessions into therapy, so far so good. It daunting, I'm learning stuff about myself that I did not know. By the end (and I don't know when that will be, 6 months or a year), I hope to be a much more proactive/confident/happier person. I also know that the therapy will only take me so far - the rest is up to me. Of course I'd love nothing more than, on the last day of therapy, the loveliest man is the world will come along and sweep me off my feet (and he will also not make me feel bad for me terrible lack of exp). but you know what, this man won't just fall into my lap, today or any other day. I'm pretty sure of that. Already, I know I need to put myself out there, not just to seek out a man, but to get out there making connections, cos by doing this I will gain confidence, and higher self-esteem. and who know what this will lead to. At the end of the day, you have to be happy in yourself. that will be very attractive to a man.

What do you think?

Sorry for rambling on and on. I totally get where you're coming from.
Best of luck!

best of