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Dublin Drinking Guide !

  • 18-02-2010 1:06pm
    #1
    dak
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭


    1. SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
      FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
      ACTION: Punch him/her.
    2. SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
      FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
      ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.
    3. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
      FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
      ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
    4. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
      FAULT: Improper bladder control.
      ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".
    5. SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
      FAULT: Glass empty.
      ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.
    6. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
      FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
      ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.
    7. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
      FAULT: You have fallen forward.
      ACTION: See above.
    8. SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
      FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
      ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.
    9. SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
      FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
      ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.
    10. SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
      FAULT: You are being carried out.
      ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party
    11. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
      FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
      ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.
    12. SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
      FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
      ACTION: Cover mouth.
    13. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
      FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
      ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
    14. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
      FAULT: You have been in a fight.
      ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
    15. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
      FAULT: That lager is too weak.
      ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.
    16. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
      FAULT: Beer is just right.
      ACTION: Play air guitar.
    17. SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
      FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
      ACTION: Up dosage immediately.
    18. SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
      FAULT: You've been walking into things.
      ACTION: Maintain dosage.
    19. SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
      FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
      ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
    20. SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
      FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
      ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.


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