break up.

LegacyUser

Right, well me and the bf(ex) broke up a couple of days ago. It was him that wanted it, although we havent been getting on lately it still hurts. I dont have any friends to fall back on or family close by. So I find when I come home from work I just cant stop thinking about him and am always 1 second away from picking up the fone and grovelling. Looking for advice how not to do this( been going for walks etc, deleting his number not an option as we were going out for over 3 years. Thanks

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear of the break-up. It's going to be tough for a while but if you realise that and go with it rather than fighting it, it should help the process along.
Unfortunately it is not easy to switch off your thoughts completely but diverting your attention as much as you can will help, hour by hour.
As for the phone and being tempted to call your ex, I would suggest you DO delete the number from your phone. That way, there IS some barrier should you get the urge to call and, as you say, grovel.
If it was him who wanted the break, think of yourself now. Respect yourself and dont grovel. If he wanted the break, consider yourself too good for him, and he couldn't appreciate it. Hold your head high, OP. You're the important one now.

6th

Ok so people are going to advise you on how to get over him but heres a though ... maybe its worth a shot to try get him back? Obviously only you and him know the score but we've little here to tell us that its over with no hope of fixing it.

Maybe addressing the issues that were causing you to not get on the last while? Try clear your head and make sure that if you do get in touch its because you have an idea how to make things better, not just because you're lonely.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I think the advice above is good. Do you think the relationship could still work or is it dead? If you think it could work and you want him back then you should give it a go, don't grovel though, have a proper talk with him.

If you think it's dead then for god's sakes burn the phone! I don't think I'd ever be able to grovel, I may be over-proud though but the thoughts of getting off the phone knowing you'd grovelled would make me puke. The only time anyone should ever grovel is when they've done something awful and they're apologising. Muster up all your dignity and self respect and wrap it around your heart, if you do that you won't allow yourself to be a groveller, which wouldn't get you anywhere anyways, grovelling is not sexy or attractive and if he did get back with you it would be out of pity, you'd never be able to look yourself in the eye.

I know you feel sad and lonely but it'll pass, keep yourself busy and when you're feeling better throw yourself into singledom and have a blast.

Best of luck.

shoes34

Hi cutting contact,

I understand totally where you are coming from, and agree with 6th if you think it will work out talk to him about it. I have also recently broken up with an ex and we are still in contact and miss him so much and he says there are aspects that he misses about me but he doesn't want a relationship, I don't think I can make him have one if he doesn't want one and miss him more as each day goes on but at least I know and you'll never know either if you don't talk to him.

Can you joint an evening class or anything where you will meet friends?

MelanieC

You say when you come home from work you can't stop thinking about him. Of course you are going to still think about him, he was a huge part of your life for three years, that doesn't just vanish.

You'll be fighting a losing battle if you're going to try and stop thinking about him. My advice is not to fight it, let yourself think about him and remember him and look back on the relationship. It won't make you feel better at the time but it will help in the long run.

If you run away from your thoughts they will only chase you and beat you down. Allow them to be what they are and let things happen naturally.

I really hope things work out for you either way. I've been where you are now and it's lonely. If it is really over allow yourself to grieve and it will pass I promise.

shoes34

MelanieC

I know your reply was for cutting contact but I am trying to take it on board too, just spent my lunch hour crying over my ex. As explained in an early message says he misses me but doesn't want a relationship and I miss him more and more each day.

I feel I can't talk to my friends anymore as they think I should be over it by now.

Barracudaincork

shoes34 wrote: »

MelanieC

I know your reply was for cutting contact but I am trying to take it on board too, just spent my lunch hour crying over my ex. As explained in an early message says he misses me but doesn't want a relationship and I miss him more and more each day.

I feel I can't talk to my friends anymore as they think I should be over it by now.

But you had s*x with your ex recently which is why you might be feeling so crap. Im sorry to hear your lunch hour was like that!

To the both of you, breaking up is cr*p we all know that, but we also all know that things do get better, i can tell you of loads of people who have gotten over there ex's but i really could not give you one person who hasnt eventually gotten over someone (apart from all my ex's but thats cause im fab! ha ha)

You know it will get better, however that is not much of a consulation when you are going through it. My advice, set time aside everyday to grief, cry and get upset and if you feel yourself getting upset outside of these times, remind yourself that you can cry about this later. Slowly but so surely the need to cry etc will lessen and before you know it you will be like "who?"!

There is no fast track to getting over a broken heart, but you will get there!

kats26

I have been in a situation like this and no matter what anyone else tells you, you find it hard to get on with life, I did something stupid though and texted my ex boyfriend and said "what if I could to where you are tonight" ?

I know people out there will say I'm an idiot for doing it but I miss him too and just want a big hug from him.

Toodles09

OP, if its meant to work out it will......don't be beating yourself up about how you feel, its only natural to feel like that and it is good to cry and let it all out. It will eventually get better. But the last thing you want is your ex to take you back out of pity because you'll just be back to square one. Concentrate on yourself, keep busy and out and about. Even if you don't get back together at least you will be well on the road to getting over him. Don't be fretting. x

MelanieC

shoes34 wrote: »

MelanieC

I know your reply was for cutting contact but I am trying to take it on board too, just spent my lunch hour crying over my ex. As explained in an early message says he misses me but doesn't want a relationship and I miss him more and more each day.

I feel I can't talk to my friends anymore as they think I should be over it by now.

I know how that feels. I remember when I split with an ex my own mother saying to me "how much longer are you going to be like this, it's been a while now, get over it". It's horrible to hear, not least because it's what you're thinking yourself too. But you can't control it. All I can say to you is it takes as long as it takes. There's no rules, you just have to let it happen. Like I said, stop fighting thoughts and memories and feelings - you have to allow yourself to feel them - but I absolutely promise after a while they will become less and less all-consuming, less and less frequent until eventually you will think to yourself "My God, I'm ok." And you will wonder why the hell you wasted so much time on him. But it had to happen to get you to that point. So let it sweetheart.

Good luck & try to be positive.

PS: Don't keep meeting up with him or let him mess you around. While I think you shouldn't run away from your thoughts, there's no sense in prolonging the torture by keeping in contact with him. If you keep seeing him, the feelings will take forever to go away. If he's just a memory in your head they will go away of their own accord and then if you ever do bump into him again you'll be able to say "Yikes,what did I ever see in him??!!" Result!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Unfortunately, in my opinion, you HAVE to cut contact. Delete his number, and if you should see him again, just say you got a new phone or something. You HAVE to do this! If you stay friends, you are pro-longing the pain for yourself.

On the flip side of that coin, should you want him back, and you cut contact, it gives him something to miss. If you are there as his friend, he can put you in that friend box.

The main point I am making is that you MUST break through the pain barrier to get over him. If you procrastinate over it, you will not break that barrier.

No-one is saying it will be easy. And you have us here on boards

D.I. Magnum

LegacyUser

i broke up 10 days ago and i am in bits all i can think about is him, times we had, how happy we were, now its all gone and i feel alone. i cannot smile i lie in bed stareing out the window dreaming of him beside me, he say's he cannot do a relationship anymore tat he wants to be alone, on the other hand he still text's me to see if i am ok and might even ring but i know what your thinking what am i doing even talking to him but i cant switch off from him. is my life just going to be about work home work home and nothing inbetween, i loved this guy i wanted to be wit him the rest of my life, i spent long enough by myself i cant imagine going back to that what am i to do and he is such a part of my life will i keep in touch wit him cos he knows me and understands me ?..............

MelanieC

Steff, it has only been 10 days since you broke up with him, that's a really short time so it's natural to feel lost and helpless. You need to give yourself time to grieve for the relationship. But him calling and texting you all the time isn't going to give you the time and space you need to do this.

I know it's comforting to still have him there and to hope you can be friends etc but it's not helping you in the long run coz then you have the same relationship as before just without the sex, kisses, cuddles and closeness which ultimately is going to leave you with feelings of confusion, bitterness and resentment to contend with as well as all the ones you're already feeling. That's too much for any one person to cope with so give yourself a break and cut him off. At least for a while anyway until you have your head together and feel strong enough to deal with things. If down the line you two can be friends again without the added baggage, great. That is only possible down the line though. For now you have to look after yourself and that unfortunately means cutting contact and going it alone.

Sorry if it seems harsh but it really is the only way. Trust me, I've been there love. Unhelpful cliche it may be but it really is true - time does heal I promise you. In the meantime be strong for you and you always have help and support here. x

Pompey Magnus

MelanieC wrote: »

I know how that feels. I remember when I split with an ex my own mother saying to me "how much longer are you going to be like this, it's been a while now, get over it". It's horrible to hear, not least because it's what you're thinking yourself too. But you can't control it. All I can say to you is it takes as long as it takes. There's no rules, you just have to let it happen. Like I said, stop fighting thoughts and memories and feelings - you have to allow yourself to feel them - but I absolutely promise after a while they will become less and less all-consuming, less and less frequent until eventually you will think to yourself "My God, I'm ok." And you will wonder why the hell you wasted so much time on him. But it had to happen to get you to that point. So let it sweetheart.

Good luck & try to be positive.

PS: Don't keep meeting up with him or let him mess you around. While I think you shouldn't run away from your thoughts, there's no sense in prolonging the torture by keeping in contact with him. If you keep seeing him, the feelings will take forever to go away. If he's just a memory in your head they will go away of their own accord and then if you ever do bump into him again you'll be able to say "Yikes,what did I ever see in him??!!" Result!

This is spot on. When you care for someone deeply it is impossible to move on and forget about them just like that. It takes time to adjust to your new situation. Assuming you know in your heart that the issues between you and your BF are unfixable then breaking contact is the most sensible option. It will be hard at the start and it will wreck your head not being able to talk, but it also will make it easier on you in the long run for getting over him.

Best of luck OP, I'm sure most of us here have gone through the same torment as you (or are still going through it in my case ), so don't think its just you.