Girlfriend pregnant

LegacyUser

Hi, found out my girlfriend of is pregnant last week. It came as a surprise but we had discussed i past how maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing; I suppose it wasn't planned but it wasn't unplanned either if that makes any sense. We really love each other and have been in love 6 years and are 28/30 years old- what I mean is we had always planned to start a family together one day. What bothers me is that I would have liked us to go down the traditional route of house, engagement, married but I didn't realise how much until now- she feels the same. We have been looking at houses for a long time and been delayed with the economy and uncertainty in the market and I have lost count of the amount of times I've thought of proposing but I suppose I was waiting for some perfect time. At the moment we rent an apartment and I am working in a job which is up in two weeks (her job good and secure). The uncertainty of baby (and babys health), job, house and the how we are going to tell parents (especially hers) and friends is cutting me up. I feel I've let her down and not given her the dream she pictured. I don't know what I'm asking in this post apart from if anyone has any advice at all. I'm hoping to get another job and we can sort out a house then but the pressure is on although we have discussed getting mortgage based on one income alone to make sure all ok. We both have loads of savings so all good there and good qualifications etc. GF gets upset sometimes and so do I (alot actually) but then we think about the baby and are happy for a bit before worry comes again. Maybe it will help when its not such a big secret anymore. Sorry for rambling but its hard to think straight. Go easy on me. D

LegacyUser

It sounds like things are just getting to you at the moment. You seem to be very supportive and thoughtful, your girlfriend is very lucky to have you as her partner.

There never seems to be a right time to have a baby, there's always the issue of 'Are we ready?'. The both of you love and support each other, are financially independent, how could there possibly be a better time?

Have you actually spoken to your girlfriend about her dream life or you just assuming that you haven't given her the life she wants? I'd bet a small fortune that you're putting yourself under a lot of unnecessary pressure, your girlfriend wouldn't waste six years of her life with a man who doesn't pay heed and respond to her needs (and I'm sure you wouldn't waste six years with a woman either!)

PopUp

It's only been a few days so don't feel bad about all the emotions you're feeling right now - this is a huge life change and it's normal to feel on top of the world one minute and incredibly down the next. Just talk to your partner and give it a bit of time - you will get your head around everything.

One thing you definitely shouldn't be feeling bad about - you mention wanting to go down the 'traditional route' of house, engagement, marriage. Look up until recent years 'house' was never a 'traditional' or must-do step - and certainly not the first!! Back in our parents day it was perfectly normal for a young couple to marry first and afford a house later on when they were earning more. It makes me very sad to see couples putting things on hold (and potentially running into fertility problems as they age) just because crazy credit made it 'normal' to buy a house incredibly young and before you could sanely afford it.

The fact you don't own a house is a GOOD thing, because if you did, you would likely be tied down in massive negative equity at the moment and have much less options than you do.

I know what you mean about wanting to be married first, but you are committed to each other, and it will happen when it happens - and this way you will have a lovely little flower girl or pageboy with you when you do

You have one steady job, plenty of time and opportunities to get another, and lots of time to sort out where you will live and everything else. Your parents may have preferred you to be married first but there will be perhaps a moment of disappointment and then they will be thrilled to be grandparents!

It's easy to say now, but in years to come you will look back and wonder why you were ever upset. There are so many awful things that can happen in life - you and the person you love are having a baby together! It's good news!

ezypzy

There is a never the perfect time to get pregnant...i'm of a similar age to you and going out with my bf for a longtime too and I always think I want the house and marriage first but we have had a few scares and We both decided if it was to happen wed manage and get by and it actually wouldnt be a bad thing! Ye seem to have everything ye really love each other and the most important thing a child needs is loving parents who love each other...granted you cant live on love alone and the child also needs financial support but from what you have said ye are both young and have good qualifications that the future is bright and ye have savings ye r sorted...If you ask anyone even the 16 year olds who got pregnant in school if they could turn back the time would they have prevented the pregnancy they will say noway coz they couldnt imagine life without the child! Your family will have to besupportive im sure many of them had their kids in their early 20s so ye are late starters in comparison!! I wish ye both the best of luck and hope things work out!

I really don't think you have much to be worried about. Some people try for kids for years and years and get nowhere. Sure, this has happened a bit differently than you planned, but it is something you wanted eventually. The big engagement and wedding and stuff really isn't important in the grand scheme of things. You're a solid couple, she has a good job, there's a lot going for you here. As for telling the parents, she's at least 28, it's not like she's 16. They might be a bit shocked, but unless they're ogres, they'll be delighted to have a grandchild.

Sleepy

I wouldn't worry about buying a house OP, myself and my partner are still renting too and, to be completely honest, our 1 year old daughter has gotten to live in a much nicer place for her first year and a half than she would have had we bought somewhere.

What was right 6 months ago is still right - it's a bad time to buy. So, rent while saving money for when the market turns and you can afford to buy.

Lots of us do things the other way around nowadays, myself and my partner never intend to marry, we won't own a house for at least another year or two but none of that matters a damn to our daughter. We were only seeing each other a few months before we got pregnant but it's all worked out and the grandparents are all delighted even if they were a bit surprised at the time.

MelanieC

You are just still coming to terms with the shock OP and the first natural reaction is panic and worry.

But trust me, those feelings don't care about marriage or houses or money or anything! You'd be feeling the exact same worry even if you had done things the way you planned, it just goes with the territory.

There's always going to be some element of worry and anxiety, that's what being a parent involves & trust me, this is only the start of it!
But it's fantastic and you're going to love it. And believe me everything is going to work out just fine, probably better than all your plans in the first place.

Enjoy it OP and many congrats to you and your girlfriend.