Why do I do this

LegacyUser

Just been out for lunch with my gf and was having a good time, plenty of laughs etc ..... when the conversation turned to a mutual friend who's on/off boyfriend seems to be 'using' her at the moment, i.e. he only sees her when he wants sex. This prompted my gf to mention a casual old flame who used to call her up just for some 'craic' as she put it, e.g. he would go out with mates on a Sat night and only call her AFTER the bar (even if he saw her there) to see if he could come round to her place. Me and my gf don't discuss our exes - or sex lives with them - much and when she was chatting about this I suddenly got this image in my head of them and I went a bit quiet from then on. She was just making the point that this was fine for a few months but she then put a stop to it and thought our mutual friend should do the same as she's in a similar situation.

As I went a bit quiet, she asked if I was ok and I lied and told her I was fine, just tired and not looking forward to a long afternoon of work.

I just feel a bit stupid and silly now. Why couldn't I have an adult conversation with her without feeling like this? I've nothing to be jealous of. We're both level headed people and I regularly advise people on this very forum with similar issues, yet I can't seem to heed my own advice.

We get on like a house on fire 99% of the time, but I sometimes feel she isn't very liberal sexually (we don't really do anything out of the ordinary in the bedroom and she doesn't initiate it very often) ...... and she would also have been the type of person who didn't engage in casual sex much, so maybe it's just a jealousy thing and I'm struggling to accept that she was a booty call for someone?

I feel guilty even feeling like this as she's great in every other way. I realise the issue is my insecurity, not anything that she's done wrong ............. but realising that doesn't make me feel any better.

Don't know what I'm asking for here to be honest, just venting maybe ......... just not sure how to deal with feeling like this at times.

Faith

I don't really get what you're asking, but if it helps, I feel sick when I think about my OH having sex with someone who's not me. When we'd just started seeing each other, long before anything was official, he slept with his ex-girlfriend. He had every right to, but I honestly feel nauseous when I think about it.

It's normal (I think) to react when you hear things like that. In the story, your gf obviously sounds like a different person to the one you're going out with, and that's confusing. It might help you if you tell her that you felt jealous when she told you that. Just get it off your chest. You can talk it through and then it won't weigh on you so much.

SnoopyD

I'd hazard a guess here because I am far from an expert. But before I do i'll say you have nothing to feel silly about after letting the thought get to you.

I'd say what the problem is that you don't like the thought of this girl who you are so fond of and have so much respect for letting herself be used for sex the way she did. Now I know it was a mutual arrangement but i'd say there is part of you, even subconsciously, that interprets what happend as this lad having things his own way. Rather than it being a two way thing

You don't see him as anything special the way you see this girl so you probably feel like he was getting away with murder being able to ignore her all night then just ring her up to have sex with her.
You see her as special and presumably you see the sexual relationship you have with her as something not to be taken for granted (and so you should!). Where as you are probably feeling this lad was mistreating her because he didn't see how special she was/is.

Also, you don't have to feel bad because you don't like the idea of booty calls/f**k buddies or whatever you want to call them. They are for some people and not for others. You're allowed not like the idea. Theres no harm in that

Anyway, it generally isn't a great idea to talk too much about past exploits. I mean clearing up sexual history is fine but going into detail about things such as being **** buddies and who did what to who just isn't a good idea IMO. No one wants to think about their other half having sex with someone else nevermind casual sex, threesome sex or whatever stuff we all may have gotten up to before we met our significant others.

Just my opinion mind you. Hey what do i know! I'm actually on here about to post for advice myself!

Wagon

silly_boyfriend wrote: »

Don't know what I'm asking for here to be honest, just venting maybe ......... just not sure how to deal with feeling like this at times.

Ask her never to bring it up again on any level. She was a bit stupid to do that even if it was just making a point. She could have even disguised it as saying she knew a friend who had a similar situation.

I know where you're coming from. You aren't immature for feeling like that, its not something you can help. but do tell her never to mention anything like that again. its not a lot to ask someone at all.

LegacyUser

I think the most important thing to remember is that as upsetting as this can be...its PERFECTLY NORMAL! Almost everyone feels this way at times when their OH mentions something like this from their past.

Iv been in a similar situation a number of times with my GF and i am all too familiar with the reply of "Im fine, just a bit tired!" But what usually then happens after is that i admit what it was that was bothering me. We talk it over,she apologises and then tells me she feels the same way when i say things like that and we both promise to try not to mention things like that in general and be sensitive to each others feelings. I really think you should tell her how you feel. She will undoubtedly understand and be very supportive as no doubt shes felt the same way before.

Its often thrown around that this type of jealousy is just down to insecurity and if you were not insecure you wouldn't feel this way but i really think thats a load of crap. Its true that insecurities play a part and could be an issue if its REALLY bothering you. But even the most confident of guys doesn't crack up laughing thinking about his girlfriend getting off with someone else before!

As annoying as it may be, we all have a past, and you just have to do your best to forget about it. Talk to your girlfriend about it and maybe decide to make an effort to both not mention such things if its not neccesary. But above all, try not to feel silly, its completely understandable and normal!

Best Of Luck OP

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Its often thrown around that this type of jealousy is just down to insecurity and if you were not insecure you wouldn't feel this way but i really think thats a load of crap. Its true that insecurities play a part and could be an issue if its REALLY bothering you. But even the most confident of guys doesn't crack up laughing thinking about his girlfriend getting off with someone else before!

Really good point.

LegacyUser

I understand too mate,

My missis always states she hasnt been around the block much outside of long term fellas. She can talk about her exs regarding things like this but if she mentions a guy she had a one night with or was casually seeing I feel a bit sick. The long term boyfriend storys like this dont bother me one iota its the small flings that do.

Nothing wrong with what your feeling but so long as you keep it to yourself do not get angry with her about it. To cool down its best to think that we've all had our own situations that are similiar, unfair to judge her for her own.