Hate/ashamed of my appearance

LegacyUser

I'm male, 21, and I have hated myself physically for as long as I can remember. My feelings are extremely difficult to explain but I'll do my best.

Firstly I believe I am unnattractive to women for a number of reasons. The main ones being - I'm ugly, and I look like a teenager (probably due to my chubby face (not a weight issue as I am very slim). Loads more unnattractive features on top of that which I don't feel like listing right now.

I seem to have missed out on all the good features my parent's have (height, build, looks) which has made things even worse for me. I look at my face in the mirror and wonder where the hell certain things came from. I guess you could say I feel like damaged goods. Realising my misfortune, in recent years I have become increasingly jealous of people in my family, my father in particular. I feel I should have his tall stature and large build, not to mention his good looks. I often send myself into a crying fit over this (in secret of course).

He has lots of brothers, who are also blessed with his good features. I recently went abroad with members of the family to attend the wedding of one of his brothers (my uncle), who was getting married to this breathtakingly stunning latino woman. Well you can imagine how it made me feel..

And as I usually do in these situations, I felt deeply ashamed of myself in this atmosphere. I actually felt so uncomfortable/ashamed of my looks at the wedding, that I suddenly left without notice a few hours into the after party and drank myself to sleep back at the hotel (hoping not to wake up.. as dark as that sounds).. simply due to being unable to take it anymore..

I don't just go through this at events like weddings. I feel like this everywhere, every day of my life. The only place I am comfortable is when I am by myself at home.

I just don't think I can take this much longer.

6th

You know whats more attractive than a chiselled jaw and golden locks? Confidence.

I'm not tall, I'm not an Adonis ... but jesus I know what I've got and use it. I dont go as far as being arrogant but I know my confidence is one of the most attractive things about me.

pookie82

First of all OP I'm sorry to hear about the way you feel and I think you'd benefit more from professional help than you might here.

I feel for you because as a teenager I felt like this for a while - all of my cousins were really pretty and attractive and I often wondered why I didn't get the "good genes". I was a gawky teenager, very skinny with a chubby face (kind of like you describe) and not very good looking.

I'm over all of that now and am happy with how I look and who I am - mainly because I can't change it! I'm stuck with it, whether I like it or not, and I could continue to dislike myself or I could get on with things. I suppose being female I did have an advantage, in that I can use cosmetics, hair dye, tan etc to help look how I want to. But I did find over time that I kind of "grew into myself" - I'm not sure if that was a physical thing or if I just grew to be ok with it.

I'm not saying that you'll be able to "snap out of this" overnight. I think you should talke to someone professional. There's no shame in seeking help. There's a lot of life to enjoy out there without this burden. Concentrate on fixing your mindset before you think about meeting someone to be with.

I wish you all the best.

dudara

Would it help you if I told you that I think a lot of boys don't settle into their 'final' physical appearances until their mid to late twenties. At the age of 21, you're still growing.

Secondly, looks don't matter a damn. They really don't. A man's character and personality is a far greater thing than his looks. But you are young, and right now you don't have enough life experience to realise that. You'll just have to take my word for it.

You've chosen to fixate on your looks because you are unhappy. Why? I don't know. But you can talk to someone who can help you start to figure things out. Please go talk to someone.

dellas1979

If you keep telling yourself and convincing yourself you are ugly, then in your head you will remain ugly and kill your self esteem. Do you understand that you are doing this to yourself? No amount of self loathing is going to change what you have/are.

Why do you keep sabotaging yourself like that? I know you think you are ugly, but I severely doubt that. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. I second 6th's advice in his post.

I know the old 'believe you're attractive and you'll be seen as attractive' thing seems like a cliche but from what I've seen, it really works. Things like personality, sense of humour, style are much more important than looks for most people. I know loads of guys who wouldn't be conventionally attractive who are going out with gorgeous girls. Being able to make them laugh seems to be the most important thing. If you're funny and charming, people will be drawn to you. If you're shy and boring, they won't, no matter whether you're good looking or not. Also, anyone can make the best of themselves by wearing nice clothes, always being presentable, smelling good etc. I think that stuff is more important than looking like Brad Pitt.

T "real deal" J

Women don't care about looks. Go to www.mehow.tv This guy is hideous and sleeps with the hottest women you'll find anywhere.

LegacyUser

T real deal J wrote: »

Women don't care about looks. Go to www.mehow.tv This guy is hideous and sleeps with the hottest women you'll find anywhere.

Op here. Excuse the drunk post

(I'm sorry but yes they do. If they didn't, I wouldn't still be single.

My occupation requires confidence, therefore I project it, yet still I get no interest. Looks do matter. If I observe good looking men in a working atmosphere I can clearly see the attention they are given by women. Confidence is really only second to looks.

I can see this in my family too..

Right now I just don't see life as worth living. Going till my 20's without experiencing intimacy or a relationship with anybody is about as long as I can go.

mossy1982

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dismorphic_disorder

Maybe think about seeing your GP and getting referrals to a psychiatrist or psychologist or both.

T "real deal" J

Nobody- wrote: »

Confidence is really only second to looks.
I can see this in my family too..

I am not good looking. I have gone out with/slept with really hot women. It is nothing to do with my looks. It is how I make women feel. Haven't you also noticed that men who make women laugh, men who are cool to be around, men with leadership presence, men who ooze fun and confidence...they sleep with lots of women regardless of their looks.

You really need to change your perception of this. i am not just saying this for the good of my health. only you can make yourself attractive to women.

I am telling you, women want to have exciting emotional experiences. If you can give them that, regardless of their looks, then you're onto a winner.

Emme

Nobody- wrote: »

My occupation requires confidence, therefore I project it, yet still I get no interest. Looks do matter. If I observe good looking men in a working atmosphere I can clearly see the attention they are given by women. Confidence is really only second to looks.

If you can project confidence in your occupation you can project confidence in your social life. 21 is a difficult age for guys - girls of that age often go for guys of 24 or 25 but it will get better for you. Maybe you need to find different social outlets where you'll meet different types of girls.

sexdwarf

Nobody- wrote: »

And as I usually do in these situations, I felt deeply ashamed of myself in this atmosphere. /QUOTE]

Op never be ashamed of being who you are. I guarantee you that you're not unattractive. Absolutely no one is universally unattractive. There ARE plenty of women out there who will find you attractive, of course there are! We all have our positive points, you just don't see them in yourself.

I am no super model, I'm a normal looking girl, bit of wibble here and there, bit pale, could be slimmer. I used to get upset over my looks until I realised, none of us are perfect, and actually I'm pretty normal looking!

Stand you in a line of 20 men and I guarantee you are on a par with most of them lookswise. Of course there's the odd Adonis wandering about, that doesn't make you any less attractive to women. You can't see yourself the way other people see you, you only see the negative

I've never fended off men with a pointy stick, but the man I'm with now doesn't care about my weak points, as I don't care about his, because i don't see them!

You're only 21, you've your whole life ahead of you. You've PLENTY of time to find those women who'll appreciate you. I was definitely a late bloomer relationshipwise but things change, so keep your chin up and keep looking. Best of luck!

pookie82

Nobody- wrote: »

Op here. Excuse the drunk post

(I'm sorry but yes they do. If they didn't, I wouldn't still be single.

My occupation requires confidence, therefore I project it, yet still I get no interest. Looks do matter. If I observe good looking men in a working atmosphere I can clearly see the attention they are given by women. Confidence is really only second to looks.

I can see this in my family too..

Right now I just don't see life as worth living. Going till my 20's without experiencing intimacy or a relationship with anybody is about as long as I can go.

Op you really are still incredibly young. I only noticed when reading your second post and looking back that you're 21. This isn't far out of the teenage years and I'm honestly not trying to be patronising, but show me a 21 year old who is absolutely delighted with the way they look and wouldn't change a thing.

There are very few. It sounds to me like you a)have a very good looking family on a whole and feel inadequate and b)possibly suffer from body dysmorphia, as mentioned in an earlier post. Have you ever read about this or looked into it? Do it's symptoms/signs sound familiar?

Believe me, looking back I think I experienced it to an extent. I distinctly remember looking in the mirror and absolutely hating what I saw, being disgusted with myself, wanting to be the hot girl in the class, the model in the magazine, the confident lady in the street - anyone but me. The funniest thing is, only recently in a photo taken of me, loads of people have remarked upon how much I look like the very cousin of mine whom I most envied and wanted to be like - but who I thought i was the opposite of. I was genuinely seeing someone else in the mirror (that and the normal mix of awkward adolescent thrown in).

You're very young to have seen the "real" side of life - a life where people actually go out with other people, fall in love and get married based on real feelings and emotions and attractions that operate outside of the zone of looks alone. Right now your social/peer scene probably still revolves around facebooking, spotting people in a club and getting to know girls by chatting them up in pubs etc. If you're weighing up your looks and your self worth against these experiences then believe me, you're wasting your time.

Give yourself time. Try to stop obsessing about how you look and about it never attracting the opposite sex - I understand that you're probably lonely but you rarely meet someone perfect when you want it so badly.

And do think about seeking professional help. For you to say that it feels like life isn't worth living anymore is really really sad. Life is NOT all about looks, despite what today's media would have you believe.

I'm sorry if any of this sounded patronising because I didn't mean it to be. But reading your posts reminded me of who I used to be and nowadays I can see everything clearer. I hope you can come through this.

JuliusCaesar

mossy1982 wrote: »

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dismorphic_disorder

Maybe think about seeing your GP and getting referrals to a psychiatrist or psychologist or both.

Here's a link. And here.

Wagon

Nobody- wrote: »

My occupation requires confidence, therefore I project it, yet still I get no interest. Looks do matter. If I observe good looking men in a working atmosphere I can clearly see the attention they are given by women. Confidence is really only second to looks.

I agree with you to an extent. I'm not going to patronise you with things like "just be confident" or "your still young". No offence to anyone who did by the way but he's 21 and wants to live his life. If he was 16 it would be different.

I'd talk to a GP about it, especially with the possibility of Body dismorphic disorder, which is what this sounds like. I think im ugly as well and can hardly see any nice features on my face when i look in a mirror but don't shut myself away from the world. There's no point telling you to just be confident because i get the impression that even if you think you're being confident, this is on your mind so much that it overshadows everything. so get to a GP mate, at least just to have a chat. sooner you get this sorted the better.

LegacyUser

I very much appreciate the kindness shown and all the advice given, however I have already seen countless therapists/psychiatrists etc. and tried the various methods (eg. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) that are supposed to 'change the way I view myself'..

None of that ever did a single thing for me. And I knew it wouldn't work from the beginning because nothing will ever make me satisfied with my appearence. And no mental therapy crap will do that that's for sure..

My problem is physical, not mental.

And perhaps I do have BDD as it's called (I can relate to everything in that link), but even then that doesn't mean I'm imagining things. It doesn't mean I'm not ugly.

Wagon

Nothing- wrote: »

And perhaps I do have BDD as it's called (I can relate to everything in that link), but even then that doesn't mean I'm imagining things. It doesn't mean I'm not ugly.

And that's your opinion but it might not be someone elses, which i know is hard to believe.

Try out what i did. Don't look in the mirror and remind yourself your unattractive. I'm sure you arent but all you do when you look at your reflection is remind yourself that you hate your face. It's not doing you any favours.

When you are out and you meet a lady, don't immediately think that she's too attractive for you and is great. Women can look better because of make up and all other witchcraft that men don't use. They aren't perfect either. also, she could be a complete cúnt. Ever notice when your chatting to a girl and she isn't very nice and she looks less and less attractive? It's not just women that respond to a nice personality.

Don't compare yourself to lads who go out on the pull and have "confidence" and "charm" and can pull any girl they meet. The kind of bloke who has a scorecard on his bed and a leather bound notebook full of womens names by the phone. These lads are retards. Simple as that. When you peel away the bravado they have about as much personality as a slice of cheese. I used to hate the fúckers too to but frankly they do me a service. The women who respond to that kind of shíte are idiots themselves which is good because it means then that i have less chance of finding a muppet and more chance at finding someone nice.

And they're is a balance between modesty and confidence in terms of how you look. Not looking in the mirror and telling yourself you are detestable is a good start. Eventually it'll cross your mind less and less and then you'll be happier. Its worth a try, you owe it to yourself at least.

LegacyUser

I am lucky enough to be a good looking girl, I've done a good bit of modelling etc. I can honestly tell you that looks are not what attract me. Some of my boyfriends in the past have not been at all good looking in the conventional way, but I found them incredibly attractive. Chat to girls, be friendly and be yourself. And hard as it is, try not to let your feelings about your looks affect how you are when you're talking to them. Subconsciously you are probably sending off the wrong signals due to your feelings, whether you realise it or not. I, and I can speak for the vast majority of my friends too, who are all gorgeous girls, go for a guy's personality. But to get to know their personality, the guy has to relax and just be himself. There is absolutely nothing more attractive to a girl than that, trust me.