Emotional cheating?

dustie1

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend 5 years and we've lived together for last 4 years. Things havent always been easy as he worked as a contract worker and jobs came and went. I've got permanent well paid job and didnt mind bearing the blunt of bills. He went back to college to re-train in Sept as he was unemployed since the start of the recession. Thats not my issue but it is getting to me a bit.

A few years ago I caught him engaging in what appears to be a 'text' affair with a friend of his. Basically they were texting suggestive/sexy/explicit texts back and forth and I found out. Naturally I was very upset but he promised it was only a 'bit of fun' and there was nothing physcial to it. I believed him but it took me a while to get him to understand it wasnt ok. He thought this no different to looking at porn on the internet. I'm fairly liberal and dont mind stuff on the internet.. but i draw the line when its someone you know and see regularly. Anyways I suspected he had made another 'friend' in college and i saw a chat conversation on his facebook (I wasnt prying but he didnt logout).. basically it was the same thing again. So I was devastated and I admit I looked through his phone. I saw a text where she text she loved him and he replied the same. When challenged on this.. he said it was a friendly love and now isnt speaking to me!

Am I being a fool? I've supported him all the way and we get on so well together.. I dont believe he could cheat but the boundaries all seem blurred. Or am I over-reacting?

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

Of course you're not over reacting! I would be raging if I caught my boyfriend doing this! And i'd be absolutely livid if I caught him a second time!

You say yourself that you took a while to get it through to him that this is not ok. The fact he's done it again would tell me that he thinks it's fine (as long as he doesn't get caught).

Answer this though: If you were texting other men saying "I love you", how would he react? Would he mind? Would he be as easygoing as he is now? I HIGHLY doubt it!

I think you know that there's a pattern here. I don't think he'll break it tbh. You have already caught him out on two separate occasions and he's still claiming to be in the right. That would be pretty loud and clear to me that he didn't respect me or our relationship.

Even if it was all innocent, you have voiced valid concerns and he has done nothing to reassure you except stamp his feet and spit his dummy out and now he isn't speaking to you.

I think you know that he's taking you for granted. He got away with it the first time and now he's fobbing you off with this "Oh it's a friendly love" BS.

Sorry OP. But I'm afraid this is the harsh reality of it.

I hope you do the right thing for yourself and find someone worth keeping.

omahaid

No, I don't think you are over reacting. It is definitely emotional cheating. I would worry that if you accept it, it will escalate to physical cheating.

Redpunto

You are not overreacting and i would say you need to get rid of him, extreme i know since youve been together for 5 years but what he is doing is not OK and he is not showing you any respect. As you've tried already to explain to him that texting these texts were not OK, its not likely that he's going to change now and his reaction by not speaking to you is riduculous. Take charge of the situation and start afresh.

mobilecore

Op,
Break up. Dont be naive here. What he has done is already a breakable offense. And its certain he is going to cheat on you if he already hasnt. A person in a relationship who truly wants his partner does not do these kind of things. Thats the actions of a man who will cheat or already has. 100% certain.

Break up with him now. "Emotional cheating" is just a BS term. "blatant intention of cheating" would be more accurate term. Which is just as cheating cause it will always end up in sex.

pfishfood

Are you for sure, sure that hes not physically cheating. If the girl is texting that she loves him then you have to ask why is she texting him this. A bit of flirting is one thing to be worried about but the " i love you " stuff should set off serious warning signs. Its not something that should be said, written or texted lightly. And no your not over-reacting.

Chocoholic84

OP, there is no way you are over-reacting and I am quite worried that you need to ask the opinions of others on this!

You need to dump this guy. How would he feel if you indulged in a little text fun with one of your friends? I'm sure his mind would be put at rest once you assured him it didn't mean anything-NOT!

In blunt terms, this guy doesn't love you. Seriously. This sounds harsh but you must see that. If he loved you, he wouldn't be sending sexy texts to someone else, as well as saying he loved them!

Ugh. What a horrible little man. GET RID. NOW. Find someone who will treat you with some respect.

kenbrady

It's not emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is were you share emotions and feelings with a person rather than your partner. Sending these text messages is not that. It's disrespectful and insulting to you and a form of actual cheating.

Dump him. I know you are going out five years. But look at how much he values you and that time together.

Kicks

That's ridiculous what's he's at! He should know well he's crossing a line with all of that.

You already made it clear it's not acceptable to you in this relationship and he's off doing it again! There' absolutely NO reason to tell another girl he loves them regardless of how he wants to portray the situation to you. You know well yourself this girl is probably loving it, all the while knowing he's with you.

Toss him.

ManOfMystery

If your OH thinks there's no harm in it, point him to some News websites and read the reactions of people to the Vernon Kay story (he's been doing the same to his wife). It IS wrong.

Peggypeg

dustie1 wrote: »

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend 5 years and we've lived together for last 4 years. Things havent always been easy as he worked as a contract worker and jobs came and went. I've got permanent well paid job and didnt mind bearing the blunt of bills. He went back to college to re-train in Sept as he was unemployed since the start of the recession. Thats not my issue but it is getting to me a bit.

A few years ago I caught him engaging in what appears to be a 'text' affair with a friend of his. Basically they were texting suggestive/sexy/explicit texts back and forth and I found out. Naturally I was very upset but he promised it was only a 'bit of fun' and there was nothing physcial to it. I believed him but it took me a while to get him to understand it wasnt ok. He thought this no different to looking at porn on the internet. I'm fairly liberal and dont mind stuff on the internet.. but i draw the line when its someone you know and see regularly. Anyways I suspected he had made another 'friend' in college and i saw a chat conversation on his facebook (I wasnt prying but he didnt logout).. basically it was the same thing again. So I was devastated and I admit I looked through his phone. I saw a text where she text she loved him and he replied the same. When challenged on this.. he said it was a friendly love and now isnt speaking to me!

Am I being a fool? I've supported him all the way and we get on so well together.. I dont believe he could cheat but the boundaries all seem blurred. Or am I over-reacting?

Hey OP,

Are you a fool? In a word yes, if you stay with him then you are.

I know were you're coming from with regards the permanent full time job, I make alot more money than my bf and I pick up the bigger bills, pay for holidays and the like, because I want us to have those things and I know he can't afford them. Now saying that, my boyfriend (he's ill at the moment so it doesn't apply to now, but usually) usually does MORE than his fair share of the cooking and generally makes an effort to spoil me in other non financial ways, he's always there for me to give me cuddles when I get home exhausted from work and college. He does not take my generosity and then engage in cheating. Cheating is cheating whether is physical, over the phone, over the internet or whatever, it's about making a personal connection in a sexual way, that's what you're boyfriend is doing.

You know, I don't think you actually are a fool. I think you're upset that your other half is a cheating, using, b*stard. I think that you know if you stay with him THEN you are a fool. You've caught him once and told him you consider it cheating and now he's done it again. He may be doing it to get an ego boost because he is feeling low about being unemployed. Now, while I can understand that, it really really really does not justify cheating. If your other half is so weak and pathetic that he has to cheat to make himself feel better then you are WAY better off without him.

My advice: get rid of him NOW - TODAY.

You sound like a smart girl, listen to your own good sense and get rid of that loser before he turns you into some pathetic wench that knows she being a fool for a man, there's nothing more pathetic than a girl who will put up with sh*t like that because she doesn't want to lose a guy. Seriously, don't turn into that girl. Get rid of him and concentrate on yourself for a while, I know it's really sad and scary but you know it's what you have to do if you want to keep any self respect.

DISCLAIMER: the last paragraph also applies to guys who put up with their gf cheating.

mobilecore

Not to share a personal story ... But to give the jist of why it relates:

I remember i was with a girl and it was becoming more apparent she was about to or already had cheated. Lies, Gut feelings, "interestes" etc (long long story) But i believed her when she said she only wanted me. I ignored alot of red flags.

Amongst other things throughout the relationship (alot of red flags) at one point she became "friends" with an older man. I found out about an hour long conversation that sex was the topic of conversation... him inviting her to "do things" (I wont even go into the shocking detail). I found that as something you dont do in a relationship - flirting with another man, the topic of sex... (let alone giving a stranger her phone number who clearly only wanted one thing) She saw nothing wrong with this. we fight. I couldnt accept that as the behavior of someone who wanted to be with me. Less than 4 days later she slept with him. She even still had "in relationship" up on her facebook. then had to cheak to call me "parnoid" moments before i found out she slept with when I rang her up days later on a phone call (5 days after the fight) Citing it was only a friendship and that it was all my fault. Then boom. She slips she slept with me. Hence why I say 4 days later she slept with him. Could of been the next day. As I only found out of the 5th day. This wasnt the actions of a women who was "now single" this was the actions of a woman who was going to sleep with others with me or not. Who giving from her actions had to at least cheat on me once before this. I was a fool big time for ignoring my gut instincts and red flags. Choosing to believe ones lies and ignoring the facts.

my point is always trust your gut.
Look at facts.
never believe someone when something doesnt feel right. People rarely admit when guitly or their true intentions.
Being able to step outside of things will make you see things for what they are.

Op. You got to break it up. Your OH has made his intentions so apparent. He has cheated or will. Im sorry. As you've read above, it may not be the exact same but I know what you're going through. Dont continue. You'll end up dragging things on.