when the ex is everywhere

LegacyUser

hi folks,

just want to get a few outside opinions. kinda feeling like im living in a goldfish bowl at the moment and cant see the wood from the trees. sorry for the long post.

ex bf dumped me rather spectaularly in November, came out of no where after 3 years. We have a very close circle of friends and they were as shocked as i was. Im heartbroken but im not one to make a fuss or big deal out of things in public or with mutual friends, if i went out and he was der so be it, we didnt make it weird for each other just tried to carry on as normal......if i needed a cry, i did it at home!

i miss him deeply, but i understand its over. so completely over. he doesnt contact me, if were in a group he will not directly talk to me, maybe in a group conversation, hes not rude like, he will avoid any one on one conversations. to be expected really, its not like hes giving out mixed signals. i no where i stand. we see each other on average maybe 3 days a week with paths just crossing kinda stuff with friends....

the problem is recently, a few of our friends (in praticular the lads) keep asking/telling me about him they say hes changed, hes not himself, theres "something up", hes acting like a prick (to them), he wont respond to calls and if he does its basically like what the **** do u want kinda stuff, he doesnt want to go do "lads stuff" anymore (playstation, watching football matches, playing sport), things i never had anything to do with or never interfered with him doing and he would know I wouldnt be there so i dont think its me thats stopping him, he sits at home all weekend, if he goes out he leaves early to go home, hes agrumentative, if they ask him if hes ok he gives a one line "end of conversation answer.....all this kinda crap.

What am i suppose to say like? They are really worried about him but it seems theyre hoping i can do or say something. i cant like, HE DUMPED ME. I have no idea whats going on in his head, he makes up his own mind. im head over heels for the guy but its clear he doesnt want anything to do with me, it hurts but i think its natural, everyone needs breathing space. i feel like im the cause of all of this, for "changing him" but im not going to drop all my friends nor do it think anyone expects me too just cause hes being weird. i no in my head i havent done anything wrong but in my heart the fact that were not together feels wrong so my objectivity is messed up. the fact is hes happier without me, if hes acting differently with other people thats to with him not me, right? i would never turn my back on someone if i thought i could help them but in this case i dont no what i could/should do. im the wrong person and yet i feel if i dont pull an "ex girlfriend we need to talk card" im letting someone (me? him? my friends?) down by not having tried.

so many conflicting emotions, aghhhh. sorry for the ramblings!!

Nevyn

Do tell them that he dumped you and you don't' know what is up with him and they should talk to him about it.

OS119

OP, while i certainly think its admirable that you are - to whatever degree - able to continue socialising with your friends while your ex is around, i'd take Thaedydal's advide one step further and note to your friends that not only do you not know whats up with him, your interest, is shall we say, 'limited'. explain to them that he broke up with you, aparrently for no reason, and that while you are able, and wish to continue, being with your friends while the ex is around, you do find it very difficult and it hurts like hell.

they may not be aware of what happened, they may well be under the impression that you dumped him, and they may be asking you because they think you're the one who'se happy/coping and that he's on his arse because of what you did.

disabusing them of this idea is good for you - so your friends don't think you're a bitch - its also good for your ex because it will force him and his friends to deal with whatever the hell is problem actually is, rather than the problem as he would like it to appear.

LegacyUser

My friends are well aware that it was he who dumped me. When I told them, most thought it was a wind up or a joke, one even asked me if i was sure it wasnt me who broke up with him as "hes mad about you and everyone knows it". Seems like hes just a pretty good actor from my point of view! I think OS119 is right with the idea that my interest has to be pretty "limited".... my hands are tied like. it hurts to hear that hes not doing great but i cant help him

botbot

even though he broke up with you, I'm sure it still hurts for him and he's going through it too.. it makes sense that he'd be grumpy or whatever but you can't go trying to step in. you have to look out for yourself

ash23

Ah yes, this happened to me (minus the socialising part).
My ex left me, for another girl no less. And I had his mother crying about it to me. Now, she's a lovely woman and has been a rock but she was upset at his behaviour as I was.
His best friend emailed to say that none of them were getting on with him as much, that he had "changed".

Yadda yadda.

It does die down a bit. When a long term relationship ends out of the blue a lot of people are affected by it. The dumper is reacted to differently, especially if s/he is being a bit of a cnut. I think they get sick of being the bad guy and tend to get narky about it.

But what you need to do is say to the friends that you need your space. That your ex is no longer your concern as he made that quite clear and you have your own issues to deal with, without fretting over him. They are his mates, they need to deal with his issues and let you get on with your own.

What will happen is he will get over his mood, his friends will forget you even existed (which hurts like hell btw, but you get over that too) and you will go about your life as normal and create a new set of friends and a new group.

BIG step back and tell them you aren't his minder.