How to be selfish - another break up story

__plec__

Hi,ok this is another break up story,little bit long but hopefully it doesnt bore you

Ok, a few days ago my girlfriend,who i was very much in love with told me there was no spark in our relationship and basically walked out on me.Obviously im devastated,have good moments but also at times feel really low.

Looking back through what we had (were together just under a year) ive realised that id put everything into it,and she really didnt,at the time this never bothered me,both of us were happy with the situation.However now that we're apart i cant stop thinking about her,whats she's at etc.This weekend is coming up,ive lots of things arranged with friends,going for drinks,watching sports,heading out etc.Im very lucky to have lots of close friends.

Yet,instead of looking foward to the weekend i find myself worrying about it,wondering if she'll be out with her friends,will be getting drunk,clubbing,chasing guys etc (this is nearly the first thing that comes to mind when i think of the weekend).Obviously,this does me no good.

Ive had 2 serious relationships (incl this,one 4 years,this a year) and both ended the very same,me basically being ignored,made feel really low etc,and i put up with it until they eventually decided to leave,rather than saying enough is enough,which i had every right to do.With my first gf ,she moved on easily,i hung onto the thought of her,and still would be there for her if she needed,this was never recipricated by her.

So after alot of thought,looking at the paterns of both relationships,ive realised how unselfish i am(and this isnt in a good way),both relationships i made all about my partner,in my mind it was never about me,i was only happy only if they were happy,and would always put myself out there for them,never getting the same back.Thankfully i am very aware now that this was what i was doing,i put myself in both situations.

My question i guess is how do i be selfish,as in rather than the relationship being all about the girl im seeing,making it about ME and the girl,as in including myself in the equation?hopefully that makes sense.Because of putting her as the only thing important in my life,now that she's gone ive a massive void there,and i feel i cant be justified as a person,or cant be happy without her.

At least this relationship has pointed out this flaw in my personality,which i do think is the last thing i need sorted in order for me to be very happy and content.But how should i go about this?rather than thinking of what she's doing(which dominates my thoughts) i am only thinking about what im doing.

Thanks for reading

LegacyUser

Hi OP, sorry to hear about your break-up. It is a tough time for you and will take some time to get through. Lining up lots of things with friends and events to look forward to will help you there.
I dont have much advice for you. I just wanted to say that after my own recent break-up, I recognise the realisation you had about being unselfish, or not being selfish enough in a relationship. In the aftermath, I was devastated and realised it had always all been about her, I had overlooked my own needs or wants, hopes and desires. Maybe it is being too passive, I dont know. I only know now that, whether unconsciously or not, I allowed myself to be ... overshadowed and in the end it did me no favours at all.
OP, I hope you bounce back from this set back and figure out a way to experience a happier and more personally fulfilling relationship next time.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Big hug OP, it's pants that you've gone through this.

I'm not in any way a councellor or trained at all, but it sounds to me like you're classic case of someone who is co-dependant, first on the first girlfriend and then again on the second. If I were you I would read up on it and get some self help books or if you have the cash then I'd go to a councellor which would speed things up. You sound like a lovely guy who deserves love, get this sorted out and you're next romance will be much more successful I'd say.

Best of Luck.

LegacyUser

Hello Hello,

I can understand exactly what you are saying/feeling. I too felt I was in the same position once. Look forward and don't be such a doormat. I once had the upmost respect for women. My ethos was in some way beaten into my parents to always respect and treat a women right. In my first few relationships I made it my duty to treat every girl like as if they a queen. It was Valentines day everyday with me FFS. It comes down to you in future not to be selfish but you have to be more selfless, does that make sense? It a sad fact that you can't be so nieve, optimist and too nice. Without fear of sound bitter I don't believe there are many girls who do ACTUALLY appreciate this malarkey from nice guys.

This isn't the everything is roses RI post that often seems require. Saying are said because 9/10 they are true.

And the most common of them all are, Nice guys finish last and women love a bastard. It's sad be true. In your next relationship allow the female work for you somewhat. I'm guessing your a genuine guy by you post, you probably can't be selfish but don't be afraid to remind yourself a relationship is give and take not give and give.

__plec__

Thanks guys for the comments.They all make sense.i guess the word selfish isnt right,but i am in the process of working on being myself,realising that i dont need someone else to make me happy.

My problem,well im not sure id call it a problem,is that i love to see people happy.so id go out of my way to make this the case.Without trying to sound arrogant,im a good looking guy,have been told this manys a time,plus im very genuine and people seem to warm to me instantly.So ive all these positives to me.In the last relationship i made sure to keep my own life,we were never a couple who would have to do everything together,yet when we did something together it was fantastic.But obviously that all faded,haha.

I guess im just going to look at this relationship as a step in my development as a person,at least i now know i need to be thinking of myself,in the past i would have hung onto things,this time round ive gotten rid of any reminders i have of her,not because i hate her,but because i know they're no good to me.

Thanks for the advice,i am in the process of bouncing back

LegacyUser

Hi Plec,

You sound like a lovely guy so I just wanted to share my viewpoint with you:)

My first relationship was about three years long and looking back I think I was quite young going into it. Like you, my ex-boyfiend was a loving, kind and very caring person. All these things are brilliant qualities obviously, but my ex also had some crippling emotional problems and at times serious issues with depression.

This meant that during the course of our relationship he ignored his life and friends outside of "us" and made me his no. 1 in his life. It meant that when he was depressed I had to deal with it on my own, when I wanted to go out with my girl friends I felt very guilty about it. I was allowed to go out without him but I`d come back home and find him sunk further into his own head, his own depression. When he was in a good frame of mind I`d bring him out with my friends, but he was never fully able to relax around them, which made me feel like i was babysitting him sometimes to be frank.

Over more than three years you can imagine how I might start to resent this at the end of the relationship. I made the very difficult decision to leave once I realised that I could no longer handle him. I felt at that point that he was just too needy.

Now, I know that my ex considers the end of our relationship the result of my simply wanting to leave, and maybe not appreciating how much he loved me and would do for me. That`s not true though. The fact is being smothered constantly by someone, feeling like sometimes your boyfriend thinks your selfish for doing things you want to do for youself, its really hard to take.

I have never told my ex these things because I honestly don`t want to taint the memory of our time together, because I think overall the good things far outweigh the bad things, for both of us!

I just want you to know that loving someone isn`t unselfish or selfish, nor is being a good boyfriend. But sometimes your idea of putting 100% into a relationship is actually unfair on your other half, because you are putting unfair pressure for her to do the same. And that just isn`t necessary in a healthy relationship.

I hope this helps you in some way,

All the best!

__plec__

Thanks 2nd perspective,i totally get what you're saying.

I guess my first relationship was similar to what you had,was my first,and i guess both of us needed each other as much as anything,we didnt really have a good social life.

However being single for a while helped me grow,and i would feel quite comfortable with myself now.Our relationship wasnt intense at all,was very easy and good fun.we would only see each other maybe twice a week due to both of us being busy,and there was never any pressure put on to say this wasnt enough.

i guess though over the last month she did feel trapped,but im not really sure where that came from,i know obviously in a relationship its 2 people,so im not blaming her for this at all,im sure i was at fault in a way too.However i just dont get it when people cant talk about it,try and sort it out.Nothing was really ever mentioned,id try but she'd just dismiss it as nothing,and tell me she was really happy.Id just leave it at that.I do feel she overthought it and let it build up into something alot bigger than it was.Not saying that even if we did talk we wouldnt have broken up though.

I do fully accept though that the causes/reasons etc arent an issue now,ive let her go,still probably love her,but know that i have to move on,we can both be alot happier.So just want to focus on myself,and being happy with who i am....i am close though,haha.

Thanks again,really good to get your perspective