6 years... he cheated!! What now??

LegacyUser

So, was going out with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. We were really good together, we had a couple of problems but we both wanted to work on them. A lot of our problems were to do with him and his life, he had gotten stuck in a rut after being out of work and spent a lot of time sleeping and being stuck in front of the computer. Our sex life was non existant also which really was the major problem in the relationship.
He decided that he wanted to sort himself out, so he told me he would like to go away to another country for a couple of months. (I don't want to give too much away here just incase people recognise me) Basically he was going to another country for a few months to better himself, by doing some sort of course! I was very supportive of all of this from the beginning and really believed that this course would help him and sort out all of our problems and everything would be great!! It was also planned that at the very end of his time away I would come over to him for a few weeks and we would travel and get in a bit of a holiday!! I was so excited....
About a month before he was due to leave he went on a night out with some friends. It got back to me through a friend of a friend that he was seen chatting to a girl and it looked very suspicious. This person asked the girl afterwards how she knew him and apparently they had kissed a few years ago, she found out afterwards that he had a girlfriend. She also told this person that she thought my boyfriend was always acting "the dog" when he was out. I was really upset and confronted my boyfriend, he admitted to kissing the girl about 4 years ago but that he realized what he was doing and stopped and told her he had a girlfriend. I wasn't so much upset about this, it was a kiss 4 years ago... but the thing that drove me crazy was what he was doing talking to this girl now?? After a lot of talking, I decided to give him a chance, he had never done anything to betray my trust before that. Also, he was rarely out drinking so it was difficult for me to believe what the other person had said about him always doing the dog. At this point I should also mention the person who told my friend all of this is known for being a drama queen and a bit of a **** stirrer. I had to make a choice whether to take the word of this person or believe my boyfriend who had never given me reason not to trust him before.
I decided that I would trust him but it was always in the back of my head about that night and what was said to my friend. I started feeling more and more insecure and did something really stupid, I figured out his email and facebook passwords and started keeping tabs. I know this was totally out of order but my logic was that if I could just see what he was doing then I wouldn't be all needy and insecure and questioning him about everything. I know it was so bad, but once i started I couldn't stop and would check his messages all the time, and to be honest there was absolutely nothing for me to be worried about, so I had thought all my snooping payed off and I was right to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So, I'm due to go to the other country in less than 2 weeks to see him. On Sunday I was doing my usual scan of his facebook and emails (im really embarrassed about this but it actually became more of a habit than anything) and there was a conversation still open on facebook between himself and his friend.
The conversation went something like this....

Friend : Whens **** coming over??
Boyfriend: Less than 2 weeks ffs
Friend: hahahaha
... lots of chit chat in between...
Boyfriend: Had a bit of a scare there, wasn't feeling well and thought i had gotten something from a hooker. All clear though thank god..
Friend: jesus... havin a few mad nights out here myself slept wit a 36 yr old one night and next night a 26 yr old...

I sat there in disbelief... It felt like someone had just ripped my heart out of my chest and stamped allover it. I was so shocked, I didn't expect to see anything like that... I honestly did trust him, I know my actions by looking at his accounts says otherwise but as I said it became more of a habit and I never in a million years expected to find anything like that!!!He was on msn at the time... so straight away out of anger I told him exactly what I knew. I was so upset, I just called him every name under the sun and all the usual stuff you would freak out about after hearing something like that.
He didn't reply on msn... he wrote me a big long email instead exlplaining that he was really sorry about what had happened. How he got really drunk one night and ended up at a party and vaguely remembered having sex with someone, he said he doesn't know if it was a hooker or not but he didnt pay her anything. (The place in question is well known for being sleezy and full of hookers etc) He said it had been eating him up since it happened and he's really really sorry... he loves me etc etc etc....
I spoke to him on msn again after I got the email, the conversation went like me calling him every name under the sun and him apologising... saying he loves me, hes so sorry and that only reason he told his friend was because he was worried and needed to talk to someone. But honestly the conversation seemed more like him bragging?? I was disgusted at reading the way he spoke about me "shes here in less than 2 weeks ffs", I had never seen this side of him before, I was in complete disbelief. I should also mention the friend he was speaking with is a bit of a muppet, he recently broke up with a long term girlfriend and is re-living his teenage years, going out drinking all the time and having sex with randomers! I can't help but feel that my boyfriend was almost bragging about what had happened, just because of the person he was speaking about it to!
I just feel so lost, I feel like I don't know this person atall. He keeps saying how sorry he is and how he doesn't want anything else but us, but all that's going through my head is "shes here in less than 2 weeks ffs". Is this who he really is??? Or was he just trying to look like a big boy in front of this friend??? (If he was then do I really want to even be with someone like that???)
I haven't told any of my friends or family, my head is just so messed up at the moment, I'm just so lost and I don't know what to do. 6 years... I don't understand how he could let this happen. This was it for me and in an instant my life was completely shattered. I do believe him when he said he was sorrry, but a lot of me thinks he is only sorry now because I know about it and it's real now.... the consequences are real.
He spent the last 2 days begging me to come over to him still, I told him I cannot make a dicision about that right now, I can't bare to even look at his face. I also feel if I go over there I am letting myself down, I have a tendancy to be really nice, and sometimes I'm too nice and too forgiving, I feel if I go there now that I'm basically saying I don't value myself. On the other hand, I love him so much still, I hate what he did but I love the person I knew and I would give anything to have him back, but maybe he was never the person I thought he was, those few sentences he sent to his friend... is this the real him???
I'm so confused, I am dreading the thoughts of canceling the trip, having to explain to everyone what happened, having to tell my boss that I won't be taking the holidays. Everyone will be asking questions... I talked about this trip so much if I go and cancel it everyone will know it's something serious. I don't want everyone laughing and talking about it behind my back, I know the people who matter wont laugh but when this gets out there will be a lot of gossipers who will get great milleage out of it!!
His lease in his room was up, so he has left and is staying with a friend for now. He doesn't want to take up another lease because he says if I'm not coming he is going to change his flights and come home straight away.
I know nobody can tell me what to do, I suppose just writing it out here and reading it myself is helping me even just get my thoughts in a straight pattern. My emotions are allover the place, Im angry one minute and on the verge of telling everyone and canceling the trip but the next minute i love him and just want to be there and for him to hug me.... even after what he has done. This is the worst feeling in the world, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it really is awful. I now understand the meaning of heartbroken... it actually feels like it's broken, or empty or something. Im lost...

cafecolour

So your sex life has been non-existent for ages, you regular monitor his emails/facebook by 'hacking' his passwords, and he's slept with a hooker?

I'd say this relationship was over a while ago, and ye are both staying in it out of some sense of habit or fear.

You can simply tell your friends/family you broke up, and that's why you're no longer taking the vaca. They don't need to know the details.

Or take the trip anyway as a vacation, without telling the bf. Tell him to come home. Go there, have fun, and enjoy.

Chocoholic84

I'm in a long-term relationship myself and to read this and to imagine my OH doing the same thing...I'd be heartbroken.

So he cheated on you two years into your relationship...:(

As for the Facebook passwords being found out, yes it's not the smartest thing to have done, but I don't judge you for it - I would probably do the same myself if I had suspicions, but no doubt there will be some people getting on their high horse about this :rolleyes:

Now THIS:

Friend : Whens **** coming over??
Boyfriend: Less than 2 weeks ffs
Friend: hahahaha
... lots of chit chat in between...
Boyfriend: Had a bit of a scare there, wasn't feeling well and thought i had gotten something from a hooker. All clear though thank god..

Would be the proper dealbreaker.

The FFS bit indicates thay he's not looking forward one bit to your impending visit, which would piss me off enough.

THEN he admits to having sex with a hooker.

I'm too nice and too forgiving, I feel if I go there now that I'm basically saying I don't value myself.

Yes that's EXACTLY what you'd be saying! And apart from the whole love thing, how could you even contemplate going near him again after him being with a prostitute? Disgusting.

I would advise you to cancel that trip, and maybe go on a holiday by yourself...try make sense of everything and clear your head..I know you say you love him, but do you think his actions are of a person who loves you?

You deserve much MUCH better than this. I hope you realise that soon!

extra-ordinary_

You start this off in the past tense. I think you know in your heart (like cafecolour said) that this relationship is already over. He broke it.

The trust is gone.

Look after yourself.

Wagon

lostandconfused wrote: »

Friend : Whens **** coming over??
Boyfriend: Less than 2 weeks ffs
Friend: hahahaha
... lots of chit chat in between...
Boyfriend: Had a bit of a scare there, wasn't feeling well and thought i had gotten something from a hooker. All clear though thank god..
Friend: jesus... havin a few mad nights out here myself slept wit a 36 yr old one night and next night a 26 yr old...

I'm sorry to read that The man is a fúckin arsehole. Simple as that.

I'll be really straight to the point, this relationship is done. Do yourself a huge favour and tell him that it's completely finished. I know you said that he still might be the nice person he always was but this doesn't seem to sound like it at all. Actions speak louder than words so look at the person he is from what he's done and not what he said. I'd also be willing to bet that there was more than just one girl and he's just not telling you. I know its not nice to hear but this happens.

Im fairly sure that the next few posts will all be the same from people ie. get rid of the daft cúnt. They're absolutely right.

Peggypeg

Oh wow, that really is the pits:(. I think you know that you have to break up with him. The trust that was there is now completely gone, the fact he said he thought he caught something from a hooker, like wow, seriously, sleeping with hookers without protection? He does sound like a dog and an absolute scumbag. Drop him now, don't give him another chance. I know it's sad but he cheated 4 years ago kissing, now he's sleeping with hookers? Yeah I'm sorry, but it is over, it seems that it's been ending for a while now, get out before you catch herpes or worse from him. Seriously wrap that outrage around you so that if he thinks he can get you back with apologies he won't have a chance.

The checking his facebook and emails, well it's wrong but I can't say I wouldn't do the same if I got suspicious of my boyfriend, I know it's wrong but if it was me I know I'd at least be tempted.

Big big hug, that was an awful thing to find out, it's such a betrayal and I can see where you're coming from with him bragging about it. Sickening stuff but at least you found out what he's like now, imagine you where trapped in a marraige with kids, mortgage and all that stuff. This has gone way too far. Finish it and cut all contact would be my advice. I know it's heartbreaking but you'll save yourself so much grief in the long run by getting away from him now. Be clever. Look after yourself.

EDIT: I was just reading the rest of the replies and I think the idea of booking yourself a holiday away where he can't get to you is a brilliant idea. It'll give you time to get your head together and harden your heart, if you do take him back you are saying you don't value yourself. You need to muster up your pride and self worth and make it very very very clear to him that he is dead to you and you never want to have anything to do with him again. When you can say that and mean it, you'll be ready to see him again for the goodbye / moving out part. Don't worry abou the gossips, sure f*ck them you haven't done anything wrong, I always feel sorry for people that get joy from other's pain so just see it like that.

Well I guess the 'ffs' part in itself isn't overly significant. I sometimes use it myself to mean I'm excited about something, or I can't believe something is happening so soon, in a positive way. I was in a LDR with my boyfriend and I'm fairly sure I said something like 'only a week til you're back, ffs!' But the rest of it would be a total dealbreaker for me. I think you need to accept that it's over. Don't worry about what to tell people, just say you broke up and that's that.

AnonoBoy

Sleeps with hookers?

Not even worth considering a future with this guy. Leave him and look forward to the time when you can look back and laugh at how silly you were for even considering staying with him.

Taltos

Dump him.
No need to be ashamed if asked why - just reply "found out he was sleeping with hookers..." bet his family will love that.

Now though - not trying to scare you - but go get checked out. If he has a history of sleeping around then who knows what little present he has brought home....

the glass woman

lostandconfused wrote: »

My emotions are allover the place, Im angry one minute and on the verge of telling everyone and canceling the trip but the next minute i love him and just want to be there and for him to hug me.... even after what he has done. This is the worst feeling in the world, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it really is awful. I now understand the meaning of heartbroken... it actually feels like it's broken, or empty or something. Im lost...

Everyone here is speaking a lot of sense, but i just wanted to empathise with this bit. My marriage just ended because of my husband's cheating, and I spent the first 5 weeks feeling the same way, like i was on an emotional rollercoaster. It was my first time to experience true heartbreak too. I was so up and down, each day was different, and at my lowest point i was nearly considering putting up with the lies and betrayal of him seeing another woman just so i wouldnt lose him!!! :eek:

Then I copped myself on. I read two books, in this order, and I urge you to do the same. The first was 'It's called a break up because its broken', very light but makes a lot of sense. The second one was "Feal the fear and do it anyway' and the reason i read that one is cos most of what you're feeling at the moment is a lot of fear for various reasons. Just remind yourself every day to take things one day at a time, i know its cliche'd but its true, and you WILL feel better. Best of luck xx

dory

Just imagine for a second you do go on and marry this guy. He'll always have it in his head that he can get away with this. You don't want to get to 40 and have your husband turn around and go, 'Well you knew what I'm like and you still married me'.

Do it!

jimmycrackcorm

Boyfriend: Had a bit of a scare there, wasn't feeling well and thought i had gotten something from a hooker. All clear though thank god..

Really - if he had written publicly on facebook to one of his friends that aliens had abducted him and experimented on him - would you be posting here asking how much money you could make from selling the story to "the sun".

Sounds like your paranoia is being fed by the usual sex and the city girls replies here.

pfishfood

I'd say this relationship was over a while ago, and ye are both staying in it out of some sense of habit or fear.

Id agree with this to be honest. Mabey im inclined to believe that he simply got bored with his life and perhaps you just found out what kind of person he was.

How he got really drunk one night and ended up at a party and vaguely remembered having sex with someone, he said he doesn't know if it was a hooker or not but he didnt pay her anything

I wouldnt believe the story of him being totally drunk, i believe this because he was as you said bragging about it.

Really - if he had written publicly on facebook to one of his friends that aliens had abducted him and experimented on him - would you be posting here asking how much money you could make from selling the story to "the sun".

Sounds like your paranoia is being fed by the usual sex and the city girls replies here

It was the facebook chat that he used. And he admitted to cheating on her "vaguely". Shes not being paranoid.

OP i think your lucky that you actually found out what he was like, and a question for you is could you trust him again or imagine spending the rest of your life with him?

Kimia

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Really - if he had written publicly on facebook to one of his friends that aliens had abducted him and experimented on him - would you be posting here asking how much money you could make from selling the story to "the sun".

Sounds like your paranoia is being fed by the usual sex and the city girls replies here.

What does this mean Jimmy?

omahaid

Kimia wrote: »

What does this mean Jimmy?

I think the point he is making is that guys (of which I am one) will make some outlandish statements to each other. I would have a conversation like

Buddy - "God, I am sick of work"
Me - "Me too, I propose burning the building to the ground"

Now, on the face of it we should be calling the Gardai, but obviously I don't mean it.

I'm not trying to make the claim the OP's bf didn't mean what he said, just explaining that guys talk absolute rubbish to each other (indeed we make outlandish claims about anything really).

Taltos

omahaid wrote: »

I think the point he is making is that guys (of which I am one) will make some outlandish statements to each other. I would have a conversation like

Buddy - "God, I am sick of work"
Me - "Me too, I propose burning the building to the ground"

Now, on the face of it we should be calling the Gardai, but obviously I don't mean it.

I'm not trying to make the claim the OP's bf didn't mean what he said, just explaining that guys talk absolute rubbish to each other (indeed we make outlandish claims about anything really).

Please don't generalise on behalf of all guys.
There are outlandish statements and then there are just plain stupid comments.

So
1. This is all a lie - he needs to grow up
2. This is the truth - he needs to grow up
3. This is "guy talk" - he needs to grow up

Op just needs to determine what to do. Believe him and stay in a relationship where he is willing to post to the net about how much he cannot wait for her to come over and in the same conversation make up a tale about being with a hooker and potentially getting a STI.

Cop-on does not cover my thoughts on this.

omahaid

Taltos wrote: »

Please don't generalise on behalf of all guys.

I've no problem saying not all guys make these comments. Do you agree that some do?

Taltos wrote: »

There are outlandish statements and then there are just plain stupid comments.

Course there are. You're stating the obvious.

Taltos wrote: »

So
1. This is all a lie - he needs to grow up
2. This is the truth - he needs to grow up
3. This is "guy talk" - he needs to grow up

There is some generalizing there for you, can't see why "guy talk" means a person is immature.

Taltos wrote: »

Op just needs to determine what to do. Believe him and stay in a relationship where he is willing to post to the net about how much he cannot wait for her to come over and in the same conversation make up a tale about being with a hooker and potentially getting a STI.

Yes, the OP needs to determine this. But the usual "OMG leave him now" should be tempered with "is it possible he is talking horse crap?". I don't like ordering the OP to dump her bf, that's incredibly immature imo.

Peggypeg

omahaid wrote: »

But the usual "OMG leave him now" should be tempered with "is it possible he is talking horse crap?". I don't like ordering the OP to dump her bf, that's incredibly immature imo.

He definately cheated 4 years ago kissing. She then reads a conversation he has with his friend in which he say he slept with a hooker. When she confronted him he said he did cheat but he didn't pay the girl. How is breaking up with a cheating, using, lying scumbag immature? Seriously, did you even read the posts?

iguana

omahaid wrote: »

Yes, the OP needs to determine this. But the usual "OMG leave him now" should be tempered with "is it possible he is talking horse crap?".

But when she asked him about it he told her that he had sex with another woman on a night out recently. She knows he cheated on her, he told her so.

OP I agree with everyone else that you should go on a holiday yourself in the time you were due to visit him. Do you have any friends living abroad? Take this as the opportunity to go visit them. I really think you need some time "off" from your life to clear you head and decide what you want to do next. Don't tell him where you are going, just that you won't be coming to see him. Then take some time away, somewhere that you will be able to do things you enjoy and decide what you want to do next.

shellyboo

So, he slept with some girl at a party and didn't tell you about it. I highly, highly, HIGHLY doubt she was a hooker - sounds like empty bravado to his mate to me.

Look, you were having problems, there was no sex, he left (that's no solution to anything)... it's over. It was over before he left. Finish it and move on. Agonising over what a terrible person he is for cheating or what an eejit you are for snooping is doing nobody any good.

Peggypeg

shellyboo wrote: »

So, he slept with some girl at a party and didn't tell you about it. I highly, highly, HIGHLY doubt she was a hooker - sounds like empty bravado to his mate to me.

Look, you were having problems, there was no sex, he left (that's no solution to anything)... it's over. It was over before he left. Finish it and move on. Agonising over what a terrible person he is for cheating or what an eejit you are for snooping is doing nobody any good.

Hey,

I'm not trying to get up your nose Shellyboo or annoy you but I would disagree with the above. I mean it's all very well to say it's over and move on but it's not that easy in practice. I'd say the OP came here because her head is completely wrecked and she's desperately upset, talking or writing it all out will help I think. Having read over her original post I'd say the OP can see what she's probably been trying to avoid up until now, which is this relationship is toxic for her. I hope that's what she sees anyway. I hope she see's that no one deserves to be treated with the utter contempt and disrespect that her bf has treated her with and that she deserves better, much, much, much better.

OP, come back and tell us how you are getting on please.

shellyboo

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey,

I'm not trying to get up your nose Shellyboo or annoy you but I would disagree with the above. I mean it's all very well to say it's over and move on but it's not that easy in practice. I'd say the OP came here because her head is completely wrecked and she's desperately upset, talking or writing it all out will help I think. Having read over her original post I'd say the OP can see what she's probably been trying to avoid up until now, which is this relationship is toxic for her. I hope that's what she sees anyway. I hope she see's that no one deserves to be treated with the utter contempt and disrespect that her bf has treated her with and that she deserves better, much, much, much better.

Just think it's utterly pointless to flog a dead, buried and rotting horse of a relationship. Dose of cold hard reality is needed here tbh. When it comes to the stage that you're spying on your partner for months on end - even though he's actually not doing anything - it's time to call a halt for your own sanity and out of basic human respect for your partner.

Also, I'd class what she did as worse than cheating, hooker or no hooker. It's just as huge a betrayal of trust imo. Nobody deserves to be treated with contempt and mistrust that she's treated her bf with undeservedly until now. It's all very well to say "well I was right in the end, he did cheat" but two wrongs don't make a right. What she did was low, very low - she shouldn't be getting away blame-free just cos he cheated in the end up.

Nobody on earth needs to know everything that's going on in their partner's life, every word they say about them. Nobody is 100% perfect, we all say silly things or nasty things about people when we're feeling low - you'd be mad not to think your partner doesn't give out about you to his/her friends on occasion. That's not a betrayal, that's therapy, that's normal.

Cheating is not normal. Spying is not normal. Both are death knells for a relationship. And the spying came first, so I've no idea why he's getting all the stick.

Peggypeg

shellyboo wrote: »

Just think it's utterly pointless to flog a dead, buried and rotting horse of a relationship.


Cheating is not normal. Spying is not normal. Both are death knells for a relationship.

Hey Shellyboo,

I think that most of your post is overly harsh but you're entitled to your opinion. While I respectfully disagree with most of your post, I am in complete agreement with the part I quote above.

OP - while I disagree with most of Shellyboo's post I think that part above is very very very important and spot on. The relationship is gone beyond help, nothing you do will ever turn it into a healthy and happy relationship, I really think you should take that holiday and spend some time on yourself. You've been through alot and I'm sure you're head is just wrecked. Take some time out to go sit on a beach, look at the waves, listen to your favourite music, read a book and relax, when you're a bit more together you can decide what you want to do but I am going to pray to all my gods;) that you have the strength to get rid of that scumbag.

straricco

shellyboo wrote: »

So, he slept with some girl at a party and didn't tell you about it. I highly, highly, HIGHLY doubt she was a hooker - sounds like empty bravado to his mate to me.

What would you highly doubt he slept with a hooker? He's abroad, don't know what country but have you never experienced the nightlife in european countries? Spain, portugal etc. Hookers openly try to pick up men on the streets....

shellyboo wrote: »

Also, I'd class what she did as worse than cheating, hooker or no hooker. It's just as huge a betrayal of trust imo.

What she did was low, very low - she shouldn't be getting away blame-free just cos he cheated in the end up.

Very helpful not! So reading his emails etc is on the same scale as sleeping with a hooker/non hooker... Get off your high horse ffs and maybe try to help the girl!! You would be just great to have around in a crisis ha ha!!

Miss Fluff

lostandconfused wrote: »

So, was going out with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. We were really good together, we had a couple of problems but we both wanted to work on them. A lot of our problems were to do with him and his life, he had gotten stuck in a rut after being out of work and spent a lot of time sleeping and being stuck in front of the computer. Our sex life was non existant also which really was the major problem in the relationship.

Doesn't sound like a loving healthy relationship in the first place to be honest. I know it's very hard to disengage when you feel you still love someone and when you have invested so much in the relationship but it all sounds dead in the water to me. I think him cheating on you, albeit hugely painful for you, is probably just the catalyst that was needed to get you to end the relationship. He has behaved appallingly.

While you may feel everyone will get mileage out of the two of you breaking up, you don't actually have to go into detail. Take your holidays anyway and use the time to get your head together.

Ickle Magoo

I think Shellyboo has a point.

Constantly checking up on someone, reading their mail, reading their messages, she may think she is being secretive but it's easy enough to see when your account has been accessed last. He's being spied on, not trusted and he's admitted to cheating. It sounds like the relationship was on it's last legs long before anything about cheating came to the fore. There is no point in the OP torturing herself thinking about cheating and breaking her heart over a relationship that was wasn't so great to begin with.

There are billions of people in the world, why should anyone have to be stuck in a relationship where they have to spy to feel secure or forgive a cheater or any other general shoddiness?!

Barracudaincork

shellyboo wrote: »

Also, I'd class what she did as worse than cheating, hooker or no hooker. It's just as huge a betrayal of trust imo.

.

I semi agree, while i dont think it is worse i do think it is on a par with cheating as the OP broke her boyfriends trust etc too

Hooker or no hooker, who cares the person had a vagina, he stuck his knob in it, end of!

OP IMO the relationship didnt seem like a happy and healthy one for anyone to be in, im not doubting your love for him, but what about your like for him? Do you like him? What keeps you wanting to be with him, prior to you finding out about his cheating and after?

iguana

shellyboo wrote: »

When it comes to the stage that you're spying on your partner for months on end - even though he's actually not doing anything - ...................................................And the spying came first, so I've no idea why he's getting all the stick.

He cheated first, 4 years ago - though she only recently found out. The reason she began looking at his emails in the first place is because he was seen in a compromising position recently with somebody who he did cheat on her with in the past. And she only found out about the previous cheating at that point, while at the same time being told that he was always behaving like that while he was out.

If somebody told me they had been kissing my husband a few years ago and he was always out hitting on them and others I wouldn't believe them. However if I asked him about it and he said the kissing part was true it would completely wreck any trust I had in him and a big part of me would think the whole lot was true.

I don't think that the OP was that out of order looking at his emails. She was told a number of bad things about her partner and one thing turned out to be true. If she felt she could forgive the kissing, but not the other behaviour of course she was going to want to find a way to find out that he was telling her the truth.

Ickle Magoo

iguana wrote: »

If she felt she could forgive the kissing, but not the other behaviour of course she was going to want to find a way to find out that he was telling her the truth.

That's the point tho isn't it. If she had to furtively spy on his messages and e-mails in order to establish he wasn't lying to her, then it seems rather a hopeless cause whichever way you look at it. When someone cheats and you forgive them, that means just that; you forgive them. It doesn't mean that you spy on them and pretend to be trusting them and secure in your relationship when nothing could be further from the truth or you're being just as dishonest and destructive as they are/were.

iguana

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It doesn't mean that you spy on them and pretend to be trusting them and secure in your relationship when nothing could be further from the truth or you're being just as dishonest and destructive as they are/were.

I don't think someone who has been cheated on but decides to give the relationship another go is going to be anywhere near trusting their partner for a very, very long time. There is a big difference between trying to make a go of it and the relationship going back to where it was before the cheating/revelation about cheating happened. There is a huge amount of work to be done by both partners to get back to trust and security.

Obviously the OP was nowhere near ready to trust her boyfriend after what she found out, understandably imo. Reading his emails etc isn't a nice thing to do, but she had just found out she had been cheated on, been told a lot more had happened than she knew about, their relationship was sexless and her partner moved abroad, I can see exactly why she felt insecure and unsure about what he was telling her. I suspect she wanted to believe him because she loved him, but she could tell on some level that he wasn't being honest with her. And it does certainly appear that she was right not to ignore those instincts.

Ickle Magoo

I dunno, it's all very well saying retrospectively she was justified in spying on his private communications but personally, I think if you can't trust someone then you have to work through that with them and work at getting the trust back or move on to someone else where that isn't going to be an issue. The guy cheated, she chose to forgive him - that, to me, means she has no right to tie a cheating millstone around his neck to try to justify keeping tabs on the guy.

Don't get me wrong, I think she's well shot of him but I also think paranoia and fear to the extent that you are spying on your OH, not discussing issues properly and getting sufficient closure, not being genuinely forgiving or trusting has an ironic way of making just what is feared most, happen.

theg81der

OP just came across this now not sure if this has been said but you seem to be open to blaming other people eg. that girls a drama queen, that guys an ********, their not lying and your boyfriends discussion with this guy was not just bravado and your mate probably knows worse and has used this opportunity to tell you - your boyfriends a liar and a cheat don`t allow your self, becuase you love him, to believe his lies. I know its easy to say we`re not you and we`re not going to be alone and broken hearted, if I could kick this so and so to the curb for you I would but I can`t so you have to.

Good luck Op you will meet someone else and be happy don`t worry.

kill bill

:cool: im so sad for you i had my heart broken and its one of the most painful things to get over possably the hardest but believe me you will when my ex cheated on me i forgave him made excuses for his behavior blamed myself to a certain degree but i was afraid of being without him of being alone but i never felt the same again never trusted again was never really happy again oh i convinced myself it was ok but it never is you lose a part of yourself when the person you love and trust lets you down in this way....... he has the problem not you he said it aLL when he wrote that stuff about you if he feels the need to brag and pur you down to his mates he is no man he should be braging about YOU how great you are and how good you are to him how lucky he is to have you stand by him through all the crap.....put yourself first dont worry about the gossip it will be old news quick enough you deserve better than this i hope you fine it..

amdublin

I feel sorry for you and I hope you will be okay but imo itis time to give up on this relationship.

You need to grieve and then move on and meet someone FANTASTIC who will not hurt you. You deserve this.

You do not deserve a boyfriend who sleeps with a hooker!!!!!!!!!

fend

Eh more to the point... He's sleeping with hookers... And thought he caught something??? Was he even using protection??????

You do the math here...

He's putting you at risk. Leave him. You can do a HELL of a lot better than that shmuck

Sweetie-Pie

Get out!! You deserve so much better than to be treated like that especially as you seem like such a good, forgiving person. You have been together for a long time but maybe it's not being without him that you're afraid of but just being single and change. If you don't leave now, you know it's going to happen somewhere down the line again. Things will never be the same. Don't worry about what other people do or say. You can't control that. I'm sure you'll have the love and support of those who really matter.

MaggieZ

Go on a holiday hun, preferably with a friend, because you will need someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. Going to see him will be a mistake as you can't think clearly and act rationally, staying at home and face all the questions will be too hard and humiliating. I do think that you deserve better though, and it's true what they say, it's better to be happy alone than miserable with someone. You'll get through it!