Am I missing something?

LegacyUser

Whenever people talk about dating, the conversation usually includes phrazes like "just getting out there and meeting new men" "just going out and having some fun" I can't really think of better examples but the point is, they all imply that getting out and meeting someone for casual dating is so simple.

I had my last relationship two years ago. I then spent eight months in Ireland and in that time I kissed two guys, one was a guy from work, one was on a night out. I then spent ten months in a foreign country. I got asked out once during this time and the guy cancelled on the evening of the date.. In August I went travelling and kissed a guy on a drunken night out. Since then, I have been back in Ireland. I have been asked out twice but I was not romantically interested in either of these men. Both are friends and I know that they ask out almost all of their female friends, so even if I was attracted to them romantically, I don't think I would date them because it doesn't seem like they were asking me out as me the individual but as a single female who was nice to them. Apart from that, I've barely been looked at. It's been rare that I've met anyone who I am attracted to, of the ones I have they have either not been interested or been in a relationship (so of course I wouldn't even check if they were interested in me!)

My question is am I missing something?! Why do people seem to think it's a matter of going to some social place and you will automatically meet someone? I know it's never how it seems, but my friends seemed to get lots of attention when they went out (and still do) and they would kiss guys on nights out and go on a couple of dates (most are in serious relationships now). Can someone give me a perspective on this?

kill bill

can i ask how old you are.... only asking cause im on the older side..

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

question1234 wrote: »

Whenever people talk about dating, the conversation usually includes phrazes like "just getting out there and meeting new men" "just going out and having some fun" I can't really think of better examples but the point is, they all imply that getting out and meeting someone for casual dating is so simple.

I had my last relationship two years ago. I then spent eight months in Ireland and in that time I kissed two guys, one was a guy from work, one was on a night out. I then spent ten months in a foreign country. I got asked out once during this time and the guy cancelled on the evening of the date.. In August I went travelling and kissed a guy on a drunken night out. Since then, I have been back in Ireland. I have been asked out twice but I was not romantically interested in either of these men. Both are friends and I know that they ask out almost all of their female friends, so even if I was attracted to them romantically, I don't think I would date them because it doesn't seem like they were asking me out as me the individual but as a single female who was nice to them. Apart from that, I've barely been looked at. It's been rare that I've met anyone who I am attracted to, of the ones I have they have either not been interested or been in a relationship (so of course I wouldn't even check if they were interested in me!)

My question is am I missing something?! Why do people seem to think it's a matter of going to some social place and you will automatically meet someone? I know it's never how it seems, but my friends seemed to get lots of attention when they went out (and still do) and they would kiss guys on nights out and go on a couple of dates (most are in serious relationships now). Can someone give me a perspective on this?

Yes, the shy male perspective! How do you know there weren't men that were attracted to you, but were too shy to ask you out? This happens a lot.

Two questions I was constantly asking while I read you post:
1) Have YOU ever asked out a MAN?
Sometimes you need to just be proactive and talk to someone else, rather than wait for something to happen. Don't think 'kiss' or 'date' just talk to him. See if he's interesting, or shares your interests.

2) Where do you go to socialise?
A lot of people make the mistake of only trying to meet people in pubs and clubs. Sometimes even the same pubs and clubs. What about your gym? Evening course or sports activities?

LegacyUser

I'm 21.

While I've never asked a man out, I do talk to them to see if we have anything in common and to see if I notice an interest on his part. It just doesn't seem to work out.

Yes I go to pubs and clubs but it's usually with a group of friends. So a lot of these men would be friends of friends. Two weeks ago I met up with a group of people and was interested in one of the guys. We all had a drink in a bar, then went for dinner, then to a club and during dinner and the club I was talking to the guy and found him interesting.

He said he wanted to dance and asked if I wanted to, then on the dance floor we were dancing pretty close as in he had his hands on my waist etc, then he'd back away then I had my arms around his neck and I thought "ok he's going to kiss me" but he just backed away again. I needed to go to the bathroom and asked was he staying around here and he said "actually I was just about to go back to the others" so .. that kind of crashed and burned. I left at about 1am and we met at the cloakroom. We walked all the way from Stephen's Green to Westmoreland Street, just chatting away but we were alone and nothing happened..

Then just last Sunday I was out with some friends and she was telling me that her single work mate would probably be there and when he was describing the kind of girl he wanted, she thought of me. We all met up near the end of the night and I really fancied him. One of the girls was really drunk and was being overly tactile and loud with him. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him because of that and he didn't seem interested in talking to either of us anyway, only with his workmate, my friend. He only made eye contact with the other girl and I when we were introduced.

Now I know you're thinking that I was very passive in both of those situations, and talk about the man not taking action etc but I'm passive out of fear. I often feel like my first relationship is tainted because we were sort of "set up", that he wanted me because he I was there and he was told that I like him. It's the same with the two other friends who asked me out, they weren't asking me, the individual, they were asking out the available female who was nice so they just thought they'd chance their arm. I feel like if I show any interest in a guy, he'll take me, not because he likes me or that I'm anything special, but because I'm female, available, "nice" and coming onto him. That he's just thinking "well she's not bad, and why turn down an opportunity?"

But I don't want to be seen as "ah not bad." I want to have a mutual physical attraction to someone, then we would get talking and find out that we have similar interests, we would exchange numbers and it goes from there.. and that is what's proving so difficult.

T "real deal" J

Hello missus.

1. Irish men are more insecure and less confident than other men. Don't mistake this for disinterest.

2. Be more playful/flirty. It's nice to talk about interests etc (logical conversation) but you need to communicate your attraction to a man to give him the indication. Otherwise another girl will simply do this instead of you and get the guy.

3. Don't be scared of intimacy/sex. It's like that massive slide in a themepark, you've gotta go on it. Hesitancy can be felt by the other person. If you fancy someone, don't hesitate.

I feel like if I show any interest in a guy, he'll take me, not because he likes me or that I'm anything special, but because I'm female, available, "nice" and coming onto him. That he's just thinking "well she's not bad, and why turn down an opportunity?"

This is irrational. You'll only be in your 20s once. Don't waste it. I'm sure you're old enough now to know when I guy is after sex or is attracted to you as a person. And as for kissing, it's fairly inconsequential..we're not 14 any more.

Best of luck, go for it.

kill bill

you sound like a really nice person who knows what she wants and is looking for something meaningful and true and you will find it but it may take a while so have some fun while you are waiting it seems that guys back off before you get too close are you giviing off vibes of some kind ask your friends to be really honest with you there could be something your not aware of that is off putting to guys they really are from mars haha anyway best of luck hope things work out for you

LegacyUser

Hi everyone :-)

Thanks for all the replies so far.

I will ask my friends if I'm giving off a certain "back off" vibe or if I'm doing anything wrong.
In relation to kissing and sex, I'm not afraid of any of that, the reason I included that incident is because I thought he was going to kiss me, but I had misread the situation and once again a guy who I was interested in wasn't interested in me.
I'm not really looking for "Mr. Right" or anything special necessarily right now and for the whole "having fun while waiting" well that's my problem! - It's not really a question of knowing whether he just wants me for sex or not, what I meant there was the only reason he would get interest in me is that I showed interest in him or he was told that I was interested. But if that had not happened, he wouldn't have looked twice at me, you know what I mean? That's what I'm afraid of.

I just want someone to fancy me and actually want me, but my experience from friends, personally and even in the case of my parents - one person is told that someone is interested in them and then suddenly they develop an interest too, whereas they wouldn't have noticed them otherwise, you know what i mean?

T "real deal" J

question1234 wrote: »

and for the whole "having fun while waiting" well that's my problem!

Shouldn't really be a problem, it's down to your mental approach. Just because you're a girl doesn't mean you shouldn't have fun having sex just as much as guys. And the female orgasm is better too, just adds to the argument. If it feels good do it.

question1234 wrote: »

It's not really a question of knowing whether he just wants me for sex or not, what I meant there was the only reason he would get interest in me is that I showed interest in him or he was told that I was interested. But if that had not happened, he wouldn't have looked twice at me, you know what I mean? That's what I'm afraid of.

i don't really understand this at all. Like i said, generallly irish men aren't confident and sometimes they need to know that a girl is into them.

Just because a girl's into me doesn't mean I want them...depends on who she is. eg. If Whoopi Goldberg wants to have sex with me it won't make me more attracted to her and I won't ask her out. You could be a young godess, if I see you i'll walk over and chat to you...regardless if I know that you're into me or not. You get my point? Don't hang around...Just do it

Attraction is not a choice. Don't think about it. If Brad Pitt came onto you is your mind going to go "he's only chatting to me because he know's i like him"..No...he's hot, that's it!

shellyboo

So... you want to be chased, right? Understandable. But do you not think that since you want to be chased, others do too? You want someone to approach you... well, so does everyone else. It's not that simple as you saying "I want this" and expecting it to happen without actually doing anything yourself. You're just gonna have to deal with that - suck it up and approach someone; or else keep waiting for someone to approach you.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

So... you want to be chased, right? Understandable. But do you not think that since you want to be chased, others do too? You want someone to approach you... well, so does everyone else. It's not that simple as you saying "I want this" and expecting it to happen without actually doing anything yourself. You're just gonna have to deal with that - suck it up and approach someone; or else keep waiting for someone to approach you.

If there's one thing I am in this life, it is not passive. I don't just think its as "simple as saying "I want this" and expecting it to happen without doing anything. I don't wait for people to approach me, I do talk to people I fancy, I ask lots of questions etc to show I'm interested. I just don't understand why I seem to be so different to so many other people I've witnessed