Sexual History

LegacyUser

This is a long complicated story, but basically someone I really liked told me we could never be together because I have kissed or slept with too many people. In the last year I have slept with 3 people, 3! I have drunkenly kissed a few more, one or two who the guy was friends with, not a good move admittedly but still nothing major. He basically said I was a slut and he could never trust me because of this. I feel very hurt and upset at these comments as I feel I have done nothing wrong, and simply behaved the same way most people do, especially his male friends, who seem to get a clap on the back for "scoring" as many women as possible. Is it really that different for guys and girls? Is is fair to say I can't be trusted? Is this guys attitude old fashioned or is this how guys think. I'm confused and shocked

Nevyn

His loss.
If you respect yourself and are happy with your sexual morals then be happy with them and leave his issues with him.
Yes for some people they still have a double standard when it comes to the sexual exploits of men and women.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Jesus, that's a bit harsh!

He's sounds like a bit of an asshole being honest. This whole double standard 'slut' thing really annoys me.

Plus, If sleeping with 3 people in a year makes you a 'slut', he must be a virgin.

I reckon, forget about the comment and about him.

anucksunamun

Wow :eek: what a narrow escape for you OP! what a Pig!
I totally agree with super_sonic, forget the comments and him!! He's not worth your time tbh.

Alessandra

He obviously has "issues". At least you know he's not the one for you. Forget about it.

I_am_Jebus

Your sexual history is not a problem. The problem is your compatability with this individual (or their's with you).

YOu have nothing to be ashamed of nor should you be angry really either, in terms of his not wanting to be with you. However, while it's ok to have differing views, it was a horrible way for him to put his point across. Unfortunately the world is awash with people like that. I am sorry that you got hurt.

Just move on and accept that people have different views and belief systems.

You'll be much happier with someone else. This guy is clearly not worth it.

pfishfood

unregistered wrote: »

In the last year I have slept with 3 people, 3! I have drunkenly kissed a few more, one or two who the guy was friends with, not a good move admittedly but still nothing major.

I think your underestimating the fact that you were with his friends. It can sometimes be a major thing for a guy especially if hes had feelings for you for some time, there's nothing worse than seeing someone you like being with one of your friends. If this is the case he might be feeling bitter or have hurt his pride somewhat. Id say that keeping away from him and finding someone else is the best advice

LegacyUser

pfishfood wrote: »

I think your underestimating the fact that you were with his friends. It can sometimes be a major thing for a guy especially if hes had feelings for you for some time, there's nothing worse than seeing someone you like being with one of your friends. If this is the case he might be feeling bitter or have hurt his pride somewhat. Id say that keeping away from him and finding someone else is the best advice

OP again, I understand what you are saying about the friends, but I only kissed friends of his after i'd told him I liked him, and he had told me nothing would ever happen between us. And it was months later, so I was of the opinion he didn't care.

Thanks for all the replies. I feel better as I truly was starting to think maybe I was a slut. I know he has issues of his own and thats the root of it.

Plan on moving on and putting this down to a lucky escape.

botbot

this guy is completely out of order.. it's one thing if he thinks you're easy [which it doesn't sound like one bit] but where is he getting the trust thing from? you are single right? f*cking idiot

that said, i understand not wanting to be with someone a friend was with, that would kinda weird me out, but thats a completely personal thing and has no reflection on you, his problem, not yours.

your well rid, he sounds like a tool.

LegacyUser

botbot wrote: »

this guy is completely out of order.. it's one thing if he thinks you're easy [which it doesn't sound like one bit] but where is he getting the trust thing from? you are single right? f*cking idiot

that said, i understand not wanting to be with someone a friend was with, that would kinda weird me out, but thats a completely personal thing and has no reflection on you, his problem, not yours.

your well rid, he sounds like a tool.

Yes I am single. The trust thing really threw me too. Like whose trust was I breaking?? He seemed to imply that if I liked him I wouldn't have kissed other fellas even after he'd told me he'd no interest? Hence the confusion on my part. He's a nice guy in general but this was a side I'd never seen to him before. I am now a lot clearer on things, a lot of this is more about him and his thinking than me. Thanks for reponses. Feel way better than I did earlier.

Colonel_McCoy

he is a total nob! Well rid!

What is a low number for one person might be high for another. You say you've only slept with 3 people in a year; I've only slept with 3 in my life and a good few of my girl friends have been with even less (long term boyfriends etc), so for me 3 in a year is quite a lot. I also wouldn't be into kissing guys from the same group of friends or whatever. Not saying my lifestyle is better, but it is different. I can understand someone being annoyed that you scored his friends, yeah he said he wasn't interested, but it might also have come off as you not being very picky - a whole world of blokes to choose from and you picked some of his mates? I wouldn't be too pleased if a guy did that. I sort of did have a similar situation with my current boyfriend and it really put me off at the beginning. I think the guy does sound a bit judgemental but I can also see where he might be coming from.

Peggypeg

:mad::mad::mad::mad: How bloody dare he?!?!?!?!? I mean come on, Seriously OP, you had a lucky escape from a judgemental tool, don't be upset about the knock back, thank god he did knock you back you had a lucky escape there!!! Honestly, don't let him make you feel like a slut, my god I'm so mad after reading that, like seriously, where did you meet him? 1940? You really don't want to be going out with someone with those types of double standards. Now, muster up that pride and for god's sake don't give it another thought, don't let some backwards tool make you feel bad.

kenbrady

unregistered wrote: »

Yes I am single. The trust thing really threw me too. Like whose trust was I breaking?? He seemed to imply that if I liked him I wouldn't have kissed other fellas even after he'd told me he'd no interest? Hence the confusion on my part. He's a nice guy in general but this was a side I'd never seen to him before. I am now a lot clearer on things, a lot of this is more about him and his thinking than me. Thanks for reponses. Feel way better than I did earlier.

You said you liked him, then went on to kiss one or two of his mates. So he could be thinking.

Trust Issue
- How could you really have liked him if you turned around and kissed his mates

Slut
- You said you like him but went around kissing and sleeping with other people. So it seems like. You don't place much value on the importance of sex and that it should be reserved for someone you really like and someone who likes you back. He probably thinks you will kiss anyone and have little respect for what it means or thinks you don't place enough value on yourself and will kiss/sleep with anyone.

The issue here is that he knows you and what you get up too. I know girls and if their husbands knew what they had gotten up to when they were younger, then would not have married them.
It's his opinion and he's entitled to it, just move on. But it is a very common opinion among men, so learn from the experience.

Peggypeg

kenbrady wrote: »

You said you liked him, then went on to kiss one or two of his mates. So he could be thinking.

Trust Issue
- How could you really have liked him if you turned around and kissed his mates

Slut
- You said you like him but went around kissing and sleeping with other people. So it seems like. You don't place much value on the importance of sex and that it should be reserved for someone you really like and someone who likes you back. He probably thinks you will kiss anyone and have little respect for what it means or thinks you don't place enough value on yourself and will kiss/sleep with anyone.

The issue here is that he knows you and what you get up too. I know girls and if their husbands knew what they had gotten up to when they were younger, then would not have married them.
It's his opinion and he's entitled to it, just move on. But it is a very common opinion among men, so learn from the experience.

Yeah learn a lesson alright; that some men are judgemental tw*ts that expect you to be a celibate virgin and sit around waiting while they decide if they like you or not. Learn the lesson to never let them make you feel bad about yourself or your choices. I would argue with the poster above that this viewpoint is common among men, I give most men the credit to know that the only time you have right to judge someone on their sex life is if they are with you, i.e. if they cheat on you. This type of double standard where you're a slut for kissing/sleeping with a guy and the guy is a legend for scoring you is finally becoming recognised for it's hypocracy and stupidity. Please don't let this experience colour your view of yourself and also don't let it turn you against guys, thankfully only a tiny amount are stupid enough to hold you up to standards from 50 years ago, standards that they do not hold themselves up to.

I don't even think it is a case of men being applauded for scoring loads of girls. They aren't, not by most guys. I've loads of guy friends and the ones who score loads of girls every weekend, sure they all laugh about it and make jokes but at the end of the day, they're still seen as male sluts with no standards who'll shag anything and not something to aspire to. I think a lot of people mistake the bravado and crude jokes as acceptance. Sure, they probably aren't judged as harshly as girls but then guys aren't as bothered about their mates' behaviour because they're never going to be in a romantic relationship with them. As for the double standards, that only applies if the guy in question behaves the same way as OP. I know plenty of guys who don't score/sleep with people they aren't in a relationship with and would prefer that their partner was of a similar mindset. I don't think that's a problem. If he's shagging rings around himself while expecting the OP to sit around and wait for him, yes, that's hypocritical.

Wagon

[quote=[Deleted User];64387987]I don't even think it is a case of men being applauded for scoring loads of girls. They aren't, not by most guys. I've loads of guy friends and the ones who score loads of girls every weekend, sure they all laugh about it and make jokes but at the end of the day, they're still seen as male sluts with no standards who'll shag anything and not something to aspire to. I think a lot of people mistake the bravado and crude jokes as acceptance. Sure, they probably aren't judged as harshly as girls but then guys aren't as bothered about their mates' behaviour because they're never going to be in a romantic relationship with them. As for the double standards, that only applies if the guy in question behaves the same way as OP. I know plenty of guys who don't score/sleep with people they aren't in a relationship with and would prefer that their partner was of a similar mindset. I don't think that's a problem. If he's shagging rings around himself while expecting the OP to sit around and wait for him, yes, that's hypocritical.[/QUOTE]
+1

But sadly he told her he had no interest and then when moved on to other people, he told her this. so he's got it wrong.

Angus Og

If he was your friend, I doubt he would have suggested that you were a slut. He would have let you down easy. Forget about him. Your rules are different and nothing will change that. As you said it's sexual history.

LegacyUser

I'm actually getting sick of hearing women talk about guys the way they do these days as if we're all on this boat sailing out to sleep with every women we can - the guys who go around "scoring" women and getting applauded for it are the moronic guys in the world whose d*cks will hopefully fall off sooner rather than later. Sorry girls but the proud macho guys who "bed" girls are actually seen as a male "sluts" just like Jennifer Round Clothesline mentioned and those of us who don't sleep around actually think what they get up to is nothing to be proud of and they are laughed at - and this does also have the effect of guys losing respect for girls who sleep with these guys - before going all out on attack at that comment REMEMBER it's BOTH the guy and girl who fellah's lose the respect for not just the girls.

That said, OP this guy you like has every right to feel you are not his type BUT he has absolutely no right to judge you for your sexual history the way he has - if he doesn't like your history then he should be keeping his trap shut about his personal feelings about it and just telling you he's not into you for whatever reason. To have said what he did you're lucky to be away from him because given your preference for casual sex and his seeming hatefulness of women doing that, you're better off no where near the guy.

There's nothing wrong with a guy who doesn't want to be with a girl because of sexual history, I'm 28 and have slept with one woman (long-term girlfriend) and because of my preference for keeping sex for someone I love I would find it difficult to be with someone who has had a lot of casual sex but I wouldn't attack them over it, I just wouldn't get involved.

daisybelle2008

kenbrady wrote: »

You said you liked him, then went on to kiss one or two of his mates. So he could be thinking.

Trust Issue
- How could you really have liked him if you turned around and kissed his mates

Slut
- You said you like him but went around kissing and sleeping with other people. So it seems like. You don't place much value on the importance of sex and that it should be reserved for someone you really like and someone who likes you back. He probably thinks you will kiss anyone and have little respect for what it means or thinks you don't place enough value on yourself and will kiss/sleep with anyone.

The issue here is that he knows you and what you get up too. I know girls and if their husbands knew what they had gotten up to when they were younger, then would not have married them.
It's his opinion and he's entitled to it, just move on. But it is a very common opinion among men, so learn from the experience.

Trust
I don't see what trust has got to do with kissing his mates. They were not in an exclusive relationship so how is that a breach of trust? Just because you like someone does not mean you 'save' yourself for them in case they decide they want you.
Slut
Maybe going around kissing and sleeping with people means you put a high importance on sex and enjoy it a lot. How is limiting this behaviour got to do with how much you 'value yourself'. This is so archiac, women are only valuable if they are chaste and virginal :rolleyes:. ??
Maybe a girl puts so much value on her sexual enjoyment and is liberated enough to want to get intimate with a lot of different people.


Seriously tying up value, respect and trust into judging a young single woman enjoying herself is seriously distorted. Those guys can stick to women that share there repressed judgemental views in my book.

Peggypeg

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Trust
I don't see what trust has got to do with kissing his mates. They were not in an exclusive relationship so how is that a breach of trust? Just because you like someone does not mean you 'save' yourself for them in case they decide they want you.
Slut
Maybe going around kissing and sleeping with people means you put a high importance on sex and enjoy it a lot. How is limiting this behaviour got to do with how much you 'value yourself'. This is so archiac, women are only valuable if they are chaste and virginal :rolleyes:. ??
Maybe a girl puts so much value on her sexual enjoyment and is liberated enough to want to get intimate with a lot of different people.


Seriously tying up value, respect and trust into judging a young single woman enjoying herself is seriously distorted. Those guys can stick to women that share there repressed judgemental views in my book.

+ 1, agree completely, couldn't have put it better myself.

Wagon

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Maybe going around kissing and sleeping with people means you put a high importance on sex and enjoy it a lot. How is limiting this behaviour got to do with how much you 'value yourself'. This is so archiac, women are only valuable if they are chaste and virginal :rolleyes:. ??

For any straight thinking male, no. This isn't the case.

However there is another flip side and it actually is down to trust. Hear me out. For some men (not all though) it's difficult to trust someone who had many partners before they met them. In my own experience, girls who sleep around regularly are more likely to cheat. Is it wrong to assume that? I don't think so. I've put it aside before and decided to judge on a girls actions with me. And i've been lied to and cheated on as a result so if a girl did have a high number of partners before me id be extremely wary and if she had a very high number (say she was about 24 and had about 30+) i wouldn't go for her.

Is this unfair? Yeah a little. Is it wrong? Hell no. It's just protecting yourself from possibly being hurt and everyone has a right to do that. Normally people say you shouldn't judge a person on their past and in actual fact, many don't. People judge based on their own experience. If you still think that its shallow and small minded well that's your problem.

It works the same both ways too. Men who sleep with anything, cheat on their girlfriends and act like arseholes aren't appluaded for it. They're called arseholes and are laughed at. I can understand why all men are tarred with the same brush as these arseholes are the ones that are most often heard but trust me, being like that isn't seen as something to be proud of.

This sums this situation up perfectly i think.

ayeaye wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with a guy who doesn't want to be with a girl because of sexual history, I'm 28 and have slept with one woman (long-term girlfriend) and because of my preference for keeping sex for someone I love I would find it difficult to be with someone who has had a lot of casual sex but I wouldn't attack them over it, I just wouldn't get involved.

kenbrady

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Trust
I don't see what trust has got to do with kissing his mates. They were not in an exclusive relationship so how is that a breach of trust? Just because you like someone does not mean you 'save' yourself for them in case they decide they want you.
Slut
Maybe going around kissing and sleeping with people means you put a high importance on sex and enjoy it a lot. How is limiting this behaviour got to do with how much you 'value yourself'. This is so archiac, women are only valuable if they are chaste and virginal :rolleyes:. ??
Maybe a girl puts so much value on her sexual enjoyment and is liberated enough to want to get intimate with a lot of different people.


Seriously tying up value, respect and trust into judging a young single woman enjoying herself is seriously distorted. Those guys can stick to women that share there repressed judgemental views in my book.

By Trust I mean;
Every girl has experienced this. Out in a club, some guy comes up. Tells you, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I really like you etc...
You don't trust him, you don't believe a word he says. And you would be correct. Because a few minutes later you will see him. Trying it on with someone else.

The other is personal opinion, right or wrong. If you call him X etc.. because of his opinion. You are judging him, just like you are accusing him of judging the girl.

LegacyUser

OP again, trying to digest all the responses. I really am starting to see the other side to this now. Thinking about it from the Guy's perspective I can see where the trust comment came from now based on what a number of you said, Wagon, aye aye, etc. I have always been an advocate that men get bad press from women, and perhaps should have thought about this and considered what his true feelings on women and sex were, rather than the stereotypical male views.

On the other hand, I don't feel I sleep around and engage in casual sex which some are suggesting. I personally don't think 3 people in a year is a lot, and none of them were strangers I picked up in a club, they were all people I'd know for a while. I do understand that others think this is a high number and I respect that but I am happy with my choices, and comfortable with sex. While I value and enjoy it, I feel I am more liberated than some in the sense that I don't see it was a sacred act. I think that's an old fashioned view, which fair enough some people have. I would never cheat on someone I cared about, and I dont think its fair suggest that someone who engages in certain actions while single will be more likely to cheat or will be untrustworthy.

I don't know. I have a clearer perspective on things, yet I somehow actually do feel I have made bad choices....

daisybelle2008

kenbrady wrote: »

I know girls and if their husbands knew what they had gotten up to when they were younger, then would not have married them.
.

This is funny and sad and repressed all at once. I hear it in a deep 1950's hypocritical catholic bishop voice.

Do you really mean these men would rather be alone with their repressed judgement then with the woman they love?
What business is it of theirs anyway? If they would judge someone on a past that is no longer relevant it says more about them then the girl.

You might be surprised, maybe their husbands do know and are secretly pleased with their experience and the fact they choose them alone out of all the men they were with.

kenbrady wrote: »

By Trust I mean;
Every girl has experienced this. Out in a club, some guy comes up. Tells you, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I really like you etc...
You don't trust him, you don't believe a word he says. And you would be correct. Because a few minutes later you will see him. Trying it on with someone else.

The other is personal opinion, right or wrong. If you call him X etc.. because of his opinion. You are judging him, just like you are accusing him of judging the girl.

I don't mean to trivialise but I don't understand this analogy. A guy trying it on in a club with a cheesy line has nothing to do with 'trust' or honesty. It is funny, and I would not take it serious and would have the banter back with him and tell him there is nothing wrong with his eyesight (can I not be trusted too?).
In your example you are saying a women who kissed a lot of guys cannot be trusted by a guy she likes 'cause she is not saving all her kisses for him. Maybe she just likes kissing boys until the right one comes along.

On topic , for the OP, I really think this guy is not a keeper.

Kicks

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Do you really mean these men would rather be alone with their repressed judgement then with the woman they love?

What business is it of theirs anyway? If they would judge someone on a past that is no longer relevant it says more about them then the girl.

You might be surprised, maybe their husbands do know and are secretly pleased with their experience and the fact they choose them alone out of all the men they were with.

It's very possible they would rather be alone. I believe anyone (guy/girl) has the right to know who they are getting married to. This is an extreme example but if a guy has cheated on 3 of his past gf's and your now the present gf, how trusting would you be about the guy? Prefer never to be told until you're committed and think he's the "one" until he gets it on with someone else...I think you'd be entitled to that sort of knowledge before committing.

I think this post shows how men are not actually allowed to have any sort of negative opinion about women in terms of sexual behaviour, when in fact they are perfectly entitled to if they themselves hold up their end, can you say women also don't have some low opinions of how a lot of guys behave sexually? Of course, as far as the OP's position is concerned, it looks just like a plain and simple incompatable personal life view.

Not to suggest you are into casual sex but even if you are, that is completely your business and you are perfectly allowed to enjoy casual sex or whatever you wish, it's your life and you deserve to live it your way - but the sad fact is men overall (there are lots who go against this rule) have issues with female sexuality when it comes to long term partnership - it's unfortunately in our genes (won't go into the psychology but it's been intensively investigated). Men "overall" are not too bothered about their partner being emotionally close to another man but lose the rag over physical contact, even past contact - we're hardwired to be worried about being cuckolded because of human female internal ovulation/fertilisation etc. - men can never know their children are actually their own because of it and we've been shaped by evolution to be wary and careful of it. Men make best judgements to prevent this by considering a girls past behaviour because that's all the info that is available to him. It's a sad reality and unfortunately no amount of angst against these male opinions will change it, it's not a past culture thing, it's a human history thing.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I don't mean to trivialise but I don't understand this analogy. A guy trying it on in a club with a cheesy line has nothing to do with 'trust' or honesty. It is funny, and I would not take it serious and would have the banter back with him and tell him there is nothing wrong with his eyesight (can I not be trusted too?).

Yeah "honesty" and "trust" I don't see that in there with that analogy either, but I think what he was saying was that if a girl would fall for that cheesy line and go off and sleep with that type of guy then other guys would have a low opinion of her - it's partly because as guys we know that a lot of us (and I am not included in that lot) basically want bragging rights to say they "got" her, to put it politely. Personally, if there was a girl who was the "local bike" and any of my mates slept with her, that guy would lose an awful lot of respect from the lads and, for example, none of the lads would want him near anyone such as a sister or cousin etc. because of it - it does work both ways in a lot of cases.

I'm all for womens rights and equality and everything, please don't get me wrong, but there are some sad facts about human mating that aren't going to go away. OP, you'll have to put this one down to just different life views and better you know it now than being with him a long time and him finding something out that flushes it all down the tube - seems you're better off with someone who has a similar life view as you and that isn't this guy, but there are plenty of guys out there who wouldn't have an issue with your past, so I wouldn't worry. If you do feel you've made bad choices make sure it is YOU who has decided they are bad choices and not pressure from others beliefs - keep your chin up!

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

On topic , for the OP, I really think this guy is not a keeper.

^^^ +1 to this ^^^

daisybelle2008

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I don't mean to trivialise but I don't understand this analogy. A guy trying it on in a club with a cheesy line has nothing to do with 'trust' or honesty. It is funny, and I would not take it serious and would have the banter back with him and tell him there is nothing wrong with his eyesight (can I not be trusted too?).
In your example you are saying a women who kissed a lot of guys cannot be trusted by a guy she likes 'cause she is not saving all her kisses for him. Maybe she just likes kissing boys until the right one comes along.

On topic , for the OP, I really think this guy is not a keeper.

I understand it. Maybe not so much trust, but a matter of the other person feeling special. If a guy told me he really liked me and proceeded to then kiss several of my friends, I would find him very insincere, regardless of whether I liked him back. I would think he really wasn't very picky if he could find several others worth being with in my own group of friends. I'd be glad I hadn't decided to go out with him. This is basically what the OP's friend thinks, based on what she's said here. I don't think it has anything to do with sexism or double standards.

Wagon

unregistered wrote: »

On the other hand, I don't feel I sleep around and engage in casual sex which some are suggesting. I personally don't think 3 people in a year is a lot, and none of them were strangers I picked up in a club, they were all people I'd know for a while.

3 in a year isn't a lot at all (unless you started counting from January 1st 2010) It's actually very low compared to most.

I do understand that others think this is a high number and I respect that but I am happy with my choices, and comfortable with sex. While I value and enjoy it, I feel I am more liberated than some in the sense that I don't see it was a sacred act.

Fair enough, but maybe he does and his way of valuing it is to save it for someone he loves.

I think that's an old fashioned view, which fair enough some people have.

That doesn't make it wrong.

I would never cheat on someone I cared about, and I dont think its fair suggest that someone who engages in certain actions while single will be more likely to cheat or will be untrustworthy.

Of course it's not fair but do you think that really matters? A lot of men and women have been told that and had it thown in their faces (and that feeling of mistrust doesn't go away easily) and others haven't. You can't tell whether someone is telling the truth or not. That's ultimately what it comes down to. If a person decides that someone's history is a dealbreaker then it's their right.

I don't know. I have a clearer perspective on things, yet I somehow actually do feel I have made bad choices....

"Bad choices" is sleeping with people when you know they have girlfriends or are married. Or if it was someone your best mate was seeing. Or if you didn't use protection etc... If you didn't do things like that then no you haven't made bad choices.

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

I don't know. I have a clearer perspective on things, yet I somehow actually do feel I have made bad choices....

If anyone made a bad choice, he did. He had no right to imply that you're a slut for being with other people. Especially after he had said that he didn't see a future for you both. It's none of his business what you do.

Sounds like a case of wounded ego to me, and you should never listen to a 'friend' who thinks his/her ego and dumb pride are more important than your feelings. Definitely not a good friend

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

3 in a year isn't a lot at all (unless you started counting from January 1st 2010) It's actually very low compared to most.

Fair enough, but maybe he does and his way of valuing it is to save it for someone he loves.

That doesn't make it wrong.

Of course it's not fair but do you think that really matters? A lot of men and women have been told that and had it thown in their faces (and that feeling of mistrust doesn't go away easily) and others haven't. You can't tell whether someone is telling the truth or not. That's ultimately what it comes down to. If a person decides that someone's history is a dealbreaker then it's their right.

"Bad choices" is sleeping with people when you know they have girlfriends or are married. Or if it was someone your best mate was seeing. Or if you didn't use protection etc... If you didn't do things like that then no you haven't made bad choices.

Wagon you have given me a laugh anyway with your comment on counting since Jan 1st 2010! No, now that I think about it properly, its more like 3 in 18 months.... but I actually realise the number isn't really the issue, its my attitude to sex versus his. Neither of which is right or wrong.

And No, no married men or anything like that.

I think I've learned to think more about my words and actions, and maybe to consider more what others may be thinking. I have always respected others opinions, it's just difficult when you don't know what those opinions are. Everyone can say one thing and be thinking another.

Wagon

unregistered wrote: »

I think I've learned to think more about my words and actions, and maybe to consider more what others may be thinking. I have always respected others opinions, it's just difficult when you don't know what those opinions are. Everyone can say one thing and be thinking another.

to be honest, I still can't figure out any logical reason why your mate would say that to you in the first place, other than he's a bit of a spanner and liked the idea of you pining after him and then when he realises that is no longer the case he got jealous(?) Phuck knows. As far as i can tell, you're well shot of this chap. I wouldnt let it bother you. From what you've told us anyway you certainly aren't a slut.

Emme

The OP was honest and therein lies the problem. Well it's not a problem if you value honesty and aren't afraid of the truth but this is Ireland and like it or not, we're still not out of the woods as far as sexual repression goes. She's not a slut by any means. If the OP had lied and told this guy he was the first she had been with for 2 years things might be different, but she would be a liar. Archbishop John Charles McQuaid and Dev have a strong legacy!

There is so much hypocrisy in this country. In every pub in this country there are guys out on the pull every weekend, trying to get their bit or accepting what's given to them on a plate. One of the guys who was talking to us on Saturday was complaining because the last time he had sex was New Year 2010! He was, in his own words, gagging for it! I don't mind single guys behaving like that because it's up to me to say no if I don't want to go along with it. If I do decide to go along with it the guy who offers himself to me has no right to judge me - it's an equal transaction so to speak. There's worse than single guys on the pull - married and attached men who pretend to be single so they can get laid are despicable and ditto married and attached women.

If all girls behaved the way some guys posting here think a "decent" girl should behave they would never get laid outside a long-standing committed relationship. That's the way it was with my circle of friends in the early 90s when we first started socialising, but a few years later the Celtic Tiger came with easy money and a huge change in Irish attitudes towards sex.

Maybe the views posted in this thread are a sign that Irish people are switching back to a more conservative attitude towards sex which wouldn't be a bad thing because the craziness of the last few years gave many people an excuse to lie and cheat on their partners not to mention exposing themselves to STDs. There is still incredible ignorance about STDs among Irish people. In terms of attitudes towards sex and sexuality we haven't quite caught up with our European cousins yet - I don't think that a Dutch or a German guy would judge a girl for having 3 sexual partners in a year as long as she had safe sex.

unregistered

unregistered wrote: »

Wagon you have given me a laugh anyway with your comment on counting since Jan 1st 2010! No, now that I think about it properly, its more like 3 in 18 months.... but I actually realise the number isn't really the issue, its my attitude to sex versus his. Neither of which is right or wrong.

And No, no married men or anything like that.

I think I've learned to think more about my words and actions, and maybe to consider more what others may be thinking. I have always respected others opinions, it's just difficult when you don't know what those opinions are. Everyone can say one thing and be thinking another.

It's a good lesson to learn that someone is always going to be thinking something. I think it's naive to think you can live your life exactly how you wish to, and anyone who says anything is jealous/judgmental/prudish/mean. It's human nature to look at and comment on other people's business. You don't have to pay attention to those comments, but they will be made, or at least thought. I've had a lot of girlfriends come crying to me because a guy they liked rejected them for being a slut when they are just 'sexually liberated'. Those two expressions are just two ways of saying the same thing, really, one with a negative spin and one with a positive one (and saying you're sexually liberated implies those who don't have casual sex are repressed....isn't that equally judgemental?) You are free to tell such guys to go eff themselves, but it is absolutely deluded to think that no-one is going to think anything about casual sex. It seems to be the norm these days among a lot of people, but a lot of my female friends would still think more than 2 or 3 sexual partners ever was excessive.

I think people just need to be aware that their actions are being judged, all the time, and deal with that themselves, rather than turn their focus to the other person or people and blame them. To give an example, I used to have a couple of piercings on my face. They made a good proportion of people look at me in a certain way, assume that I was tough, rebellious, whatever. Truth be told, I liked the look of them and that was that, but it would have been extremely naive to think that having a stud in my nose and lip wasn't going to attract any sort of attention.

Sticking to the relationship example, I was pretty harshly judged by a lot of people about a year ago for breaking up with my boyfriend and starting another relationship within 2 weeks. What they didn't know was that the ex had treated me horribly, cheated on me and gave me no option but to end things, that by the time the cheating happened, the relationship was dead anyway, but what it looked like from the outside was that I dumped one bloke for the next. I looked like a flaky girl who didn't take relationships seriously and couldn't even bear to be alone for more than a fortnight. I can totally understand people thinking that and I wouldn't call them judgemental. I chose not to tell anyone my side of the story, so I was willing to accept people thinking the obvious. I knew what the story was, my ex knew and my boyfriend knew, I was fine with my decision and that's what mattered. I sort of rambled on but I hope you know what I mean.

Wagon

Emme wrote: »

The OP was honest and therein lies the problem. Well it's not a problem if you value honesty and aren't afraid of the truth but this is Ireland and like it or not, we're still not out of the woods as far as sexual repression goes. She's not a slut by any means. If the OP had lied and told this guy he was the first she had been with for 2 years things might be different, but she would be a liar. Archbishop John Charles McQuaid and Dev have a strong legacy!

I don't think so. Religion is blamed for a lot of things (and in fairness, its often justified) but i think a lot of people who think sex should be only with a relationship have no religious beliefs.

There is so much hypocrisy in this country. In every pub in this country there are guys out on the pull every weekend, trying to get their bit or accepting what's given to them on a plate. I don't mind single guys behaving like that because it's up to me to say no if I don't want to go along with it. If I do decide to go along with it the guy who offers himself to me has no right to judge me - it's an equal transaction so to speak. There's worse than single guys on the pull - married and attached men who pretend to be single so they can get laid are despicable and ditto married and attached women.

I agree completely. But they don't get a pat on the back for it from other men (only from fellow idiots). They are just seen a self important lying ****. The double standards are not as widespread as you might think. If icheated on my girlfriend, im 99% sure that my mates would have taken me aside and told me to cop on (they're friends with her too).

If all girls behaved the way some guys posting here think a "decent" girl should behave they would never get laid outside a long-standing committed relationship. That's the way it was with my circle of friends in the early 90s when we first started socialising, but a few years later the Celtic Tiger came with easy money and a huge change in Irish attitudes towards sex.

Not to mention the cultural influences too. I think it's a good thing myself but i also think that people have a right to judge for themselves what sits with them and what doesn't.

Maybe the views posted in this thread are a sign that Irish people are switching back to a more conservative attitude towards sex which wouldn't be a bad thing because the craziness of the last few years gave many people an excuse to lie and cheat on their partners.

In my experience, this hasn't changed.

In terms of attitudes towards sex and sexuality we haven't quite caught up with our European cousins yet - I don't think that a Dutch or a German guy would judge a girl for having 3 sexual partners in a year as long as she had safe sex.

They probably wouldn't but would you look down on a man because he used a prostitute?

It all comes down to the persons own standards when looking for a partner. There's no right or wrong answer in terms of casual sex, is a preference. but like anything it's how you go about it says a lot more than just the act itself.

Emme

Wagon wrote: »

They probably wouldn't but would you look down on a man because he used a prostitute?

I think that more men have used prostitutes than care to admit it. An Asian friend openly admitted that he used prostitutes on the continent. I couldn't imagine an Irish guy openly admitting that he used prostitutes. My Asian friend visited a well run brothel (or so he said) and the girls insisted on condoms, dams etc. I didn't judge him for it, I admired his honesty in telling me. He said that the guys who used prostitutes there were regular guys like you'd meet walking down the street, no stereotypical dirty old men in filthy raincoats or cliched desperados who can't get a shag. These were guys who had finished their days work and were popping into a prostitute like they'd pop in for a MacDonalds.

This was a city in a European country where prostitution was legal and tightly regulated and where there would be an international moneyed and well-connected clientele. That doesn't make it any better or any worse, but I would hope that men who use prostitutes have discretion and don't go to places where the women are trafficked. It's hard to tell of course, but if prostitution is legal I think they have more protection and are more likely to have regular tests for STDs.

My friend travelled a lot for work for 2 years and said that most professional men who travel a lot for work use prostitutes or escort girls or whatever is "provided" (ie permitted) in hotels.

Life isn't as simple as we would like it to be. I just think that it's a pity that women like the OP who have an active sex life are judge in Ireland. 3 partners in 18 months - if they were all one night stands then she's having sex once every 6 months. Hardly excessive.