Resentful in relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all

I'm a a male in my mid twenties, working 10-6.30 Mon-Fri, seeing a girl around the same age. It's a long distance relationship and due to the awkward hours my gf works (one day a weekend, sometimes two) I do pretty much all of the travelling. I go down to her on a Friday evening and come home Sunday evening.

This arrangement has worked out pretty well for us up until now, but I'm starting to feel resentful of it now. I'm not necessarily saying it's her fault as a job is a job, you have to do the hours you're given. But the fact is that I'm giving up most of my free socialising time to see her every single weekend, often when she is in work one of the days and doesnt come home until the evening. It also works out quite expensive as I'm paying all the travel expenses etc.

I also feel guilty because my mum is separated, still working, and all my siblings are moved out, married, childered etc so she ends up doing an unfair share of housework etc over the weekend. I try to do what I can during the week, but if any say heavy lifting jobs need doing over the weekend or whatever I'm not there to do them. Also, I've missed some family occasions lately because I've been up with my gf and I get a bit of a hard time if I dont.

I've tried to bring it up with my gf about coming up to mine a bit more often, but she adopted a kitten a couple of months ago and is reluctant to leave it on its own for obvious reasons, but cant find a friend to drop in on her. She's just moved into an new apartment and is going on holidays at the end of the month, so she says she cant afford to be visiting me, which I'm kind of annoyed about. One trip doesnt cost THAT much.

To be honest, I'm more venting here than anything, but if anyone has any comments/suggestions please feel free.

Angus Og

Have you talked about getting serious? Moving in together a possibility? Or is it way too soon?

LegacyUser

Moving in would be our long term plan yes, but not for the moment, I've got a pretty solid and safe job right now, which I've had for over a year. I couldn't just up and leave as there are practically no jobs in the sector I work in right now, especially down where my GF lives.

OS119

OP, while it certainly looks like you're the one doing all the running in this relationship, you have to look at the practicalities of the alternatives:

1. she comes to stay at your mums for a few days during the week - you're at work during the day, you have little privacy, sex needs to be a little 'restrained' and its all going to be rather awkward and embarressing.

2. she comes down to where you live during the week, instead of staying at your mums she stays at a hotel. she's on her own all day, you have lots of privacy, but its probably going to cost €80 a night...

neither of those are attractive, and if i was your GF i'd find them very unattractive if i had my own flat...

the kitten, while annoying, isn't really an issue in this - it would only become so if you had a realistic option as a place to stay.

your 'problems' with scheduling your girlfriend and family are mearly an organisational issue - either you can't tell your GF 'sorry, i can't make it next weekend, i've got a family thing', or your wider family are a bit rude and spring stuff on you without warning and yet expect you to drop everything to meet up with them.

pookie82

It sounds pretty unreasonable of her to me, to be honest. If she can't afford to come to you on weekends (but can afford to go on a holiday) then that's her choice.

I would definitely tell her that you're not going to be down to her every weekend from now on. If your mum needs your help as you indicate, or there's a family do, tell her she's welcome to join you but that you won't be travelling to her. It's unreasonable for her to expect you to miss family events to go and stay with her when for one of the days she's at work all day anyway.

Right now you're making the effort every weekend and as long as you keep doing so, there's no impetus for her to miss you or make an effort on her end. Tell her it won't be every weekend in future and maybe when she realises she misses you she'll make an effort herself. Does she work a Saturday? If so is it not possible for her to travel to you after work and spend Sat night/Sunday with you? I understand that under your Mum's roof you may not be having wild sex but it's all about the effort in my opinion.

I have been in long distance relationships while working weekends and I always made my fair share of effort. There's no way I'd expect one half to do all of the travelling all of the time.

And again, on the kitten excuse, that's her decision. It's not like something out of her control happened and she can't get away.

I think she's out of order.

Angus Og

She can't bring the kitten with her? Is her job really that good that she won't drop it? It all sounds rather one-sided, and you are doing all the work.

LegacyUser

Well neither of us drive (theory test next week though fingers crossed ) so we're reliant on public transport. Bringing a kitten on a train would be a no-no AFAIK. Her job does pay well - her net pay is slightly more than my gross, even though I have 5 years of university education and two degrees to my name. She went to college, but dropped out about halfway through so her LC is her highest qualification and she feels she wouldn't get a job with anywhere near the same pay with that fact in mind.

So as you can see, it's quite a complicated interleaving of different issues and obligations at work

reprazant

The kitten can brought on the train as long as it is in a cat carrier cage.

Angus Og

Juggling domestic life should be a degree subject.

And don't feel guilty about helping your mum, you sound like a nice man.

If you love her, and she loves you, it will work out in the end.