Am I the problem?

missunderstood1

If people do see me as the problem after reading this, then i will do my best to change my ways.

i do feel a big rant going on, so apologies if this is a long one..

My backround information, Im 21 =, moved back home last october after living in Dublin with my partner for 2 and a half years. My mum died when i was 14 and it hit me pretty hard, as i was the one who she collasped in front of.
i currently have no job, and have no car so getting around is hard as i live in the middle of nowhere. I find myself sitting at home alot and it really gets me down. right the point of this thread is to do with my father. Its just me him and my teenage brother living at home. I have a sister that lives in another county as she has to work there. I also have another Brother living with his partner in a near by town and we have just found out they are expecting there first child.

I feel my dad is just horrid to me all the time, its not just me its my sister too.. for instance my sis travelled home this weekend after working a 60hour week and hadnt been home in a while because of work but made the effoert to come home as she hadnt seen anyone in a while. soon as she came in the door, dad just started ranting at her about himself all the things hes done in the house and never once even asked her how she was. there is so much more i could write forever.

Hes always at me because ive no job, and is always dropping hints that he doesnt want me in the house. Im now banned from the house between 10am to 1am mon to fri. I wanted to do a photography course but he wouldnt let be cause most of the work would be done from home and said i wouldnt be living here if i even attempted to do it.

i was pretty crap in school and failed my leaving cert. when i moved to Dublin i done a childcare course and got 8 destinctions and 1 pass, when i opened my results and seen how well i done i was jumping for joy and was so proud of myself and showed my dad, i didnt even get a well done off him, and when it came to my graduation in november he didnt even bother coming, i had to go to them alone, i tried to act like i didnt mind but it really did hurt. my dad never helped me out at all when i went to college but i didnt mind as it was something i wanted to do myself financially. when our mum died, me and my siblings each got 20,000 to be held till we were 21. my older bro and sis got there money. but i never seen any of mine or either will my younger brother as my dad has spent it all.

everything i seen to to is never good enough. Its gotten to the stage where i really dont think i love him anymore and he doesnt even seem to realise hes hurting me so much. Iv been suffering really bad pains in my stomach for the last month, im in agony from the moment i get up to the time i go to sleep. I asked my dad would he bring me too the doctor on tuesday, he said he couldnt that he's busy most of the week.

I help out so much around the hopuse and am always cleaning up after him and my younger brother, i cook for them a few times a week. when i wanna go anywhere i have to tell my dad so that there is someone to mind my lil bro, its me that has to do the worrying about who minds him when hes not even my responsibity, i dont mind thought as i think the world of my lil bro.

i know i sound like a moan, but i do genuinely feel just sad i guess. i find myself crying myself to sleep most nights cause he just does anything to pick on me. I cant move out cause i genuinely cant affford it.

does it sound like its judt me in the wrong?

Angus Og

It sounds like your father has the problem, not you. If he spent the money that was left to you by your mother, then at the very least he has betrayed his wife's wishes.

How did he cope with her death? Or has he? It sounds like he his taking out his frustration on you. You're only twenty-one, so it's not unreasonable to look for support from your father. He just can't give it. After all, if you had the twenty thousand you would be able to set yourself up without him.

It's your feeling of responsibility to your little brother that's keeping you there. In case your father hasn't noticed, thousands are losing their jobs. He's being a bit unreasonable if he thinks you are going to suddenly find a job.

As for the pain, it sounds like stress, especially as it's only happening when you have to face him during the day. You should go to a doctor even if you have to find a way by yourself.

What about the rest of your family? Can you get help from aunts or uncles? Grandparents?

kmick

I think you are going to have to make a plan to get out of there and fast. Would your sister put you up if you told her whats going on? Do you have a friend you could stay with? Really you need to get a job and try and become financially independant as much as possible. I know its hard but you will crack up if you dont start doing something positive. I know they are always looking for people in the supermarkets and some local pubs may have a shift or two? Have you tried the FAS job center? Are you receiving any dole?

And no you are not the problem btw. Time to look after yourself for a while. Also get a bike - it will help you to be more mobile. You can pick up a second hand one easily and cheaply on the local buyandsell.ie

Goldenlady

God you poor thing, there is definitely an issue here and its with your father. Perhaps, as posted previously, he hasn't dealt with your moms death properly. Have you ever tried to talk to him about what is going on? Perhaps he knows what he is doing isnt right but just cant stop himself - maybe you need to talk to him adult to adult. He possibly still sees you as a little child. You should be the bigger person here and make a stand and make him listen, then you will feel better that you even tried this.
The issue with him spending the money can be addressed after that, but will need to be discussed also. Good luck with everything

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

That is just rotten, BIG HUG to you, what an awful situation. To me it sounds like you're father is a bully who's taking out his grief and frustration on you. He had no right to spend the money your mother left you, with that you could have gained your independence but he's taken it away from you. Unless you think he honestly doesn't realise what he's doing then there's probably not much point bringing it up. The best outcome for you at the minute would be to get out, I know it's heartbreaking to leave your brother but you might have to. I know the stomach pains you mean, I get them too when I'm very stressed, I didn't address it and it developed into Irritable Bowel Syndrome, luckily I've got it under control. Please go to the doctor's about and get it sorted before it turns into something worse. Just remember that your mother loved you, hold that love in your heart so you don't feel too alone, I'm sure she's watching over you. If you move out of your house you will be entitled to Jobseeker's Allowance, rent allowance, medical card etc. If you need any more details regarding social welfare, check out www.welfare.ie.

missunderstood1

thank you all for your kind words, as i did think was just me.
My sister gets it worse off him.

i dont think he his grief comes into it, as he decided to bring home a woman just before chirstmas just over a year after mam died. since then its all her, like he may ask how i am but as soon as i answer he has this way of turning it round to talk and him and the gf. the only thing he's got from mams death is "feel sorry for me" hes only saying how he has to do anything himself. Me and my sister really do wonder what is going on in that head of his.. he just expects everything to be done and if hes not then its back to poor old him.

i do get social welfare and use some of it to pay for food etc and then some to save as my sister is taking me with her to austrialia in the summer for a year. ir cant come quick enough, though we are worried about our little brother, hes way more than just a little brother to us.

i cant talk to him about anything he can be so cold sometimes, i remember a few months after mam died i brooke down in the kitchen and he told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. them words have stuck with me 6 years on. He just doesnt seem to know how to be a dad at all. He once said that he didnt want to be to close to him because one day he will die..wtf kinda thing is that to say. i said id rather have a dad that i could love and come to with my problems and know hed always be there for me even if it was only for a while.

Alls the pictures of mam have disapeared that were once all over the house, when i asked he said that if we wanted pics we could put them in our bedrooms. like he has a pic of his mum in the living room. I think hes under the illiosion that i dont care that mam is dead.. like iv moved on, the reality is it still gets to me everyday.

im very close to my mums sisters and my nanny dont really know what id do with out them they just live up the road from me. One of my aunties has just had another baby and has a 14month old so iv started helpin out a few hours everyday during the week. It makes me feel usefull and i know my aunty really appreciates the help. when i with the kids i dont feel the pains in my stomach but as soon as i get home they are back again. my auntie said she would bring me to the doctors so ill get that sorted tomorrow.

thanks though guys for the replies.. as sad as it sounds it really picked me up knowing thats its not me thats doing everything wrong

Angus Og

You should make him listen to you. He definitely needs to talk to an expert, and maybe he thinks you resent him for trying to move on.

The best thing to do is see to your brother. Is he much younger? Could you, and all of your siblings, sit down and explain your feelings to your father?

kill bill

god your dad sounds like he needs a kick up the you know what .. what was he like towards you when your mum was alive and also how was he before you left home to move in with your partner was he good to you then?? maybe your dad is lonely and is taking it our on you which is wrong of course but we can all be stupid and strange at times is there any chance you could move in with your older brother also i know times are bad now but if you can get a job and earn some money anytning for now to get you our of the house it well be one less thing for him to moan about maybe keep your chin up kid

LegacyUser

If the money from your mam was to be held in trust for you until you were 21 then your father legally couldnt have spent it (or even had access to it?) Can you go to the solicitor who dealt with your mams will and talk to them about this? They should be able to advise you.

You need to develop independence from your dad. Could you go to live with your aunt until you go to Australia if you cant afford to get a place of your own. I'm sure your aunt will keep an eye out for your brother when you go away also, so dont let this stop you going.

Best of luck.