Open relationships??

greengiant09

i have a question for the ladies! i've been thinking recently over the past while that the next relationship i enter into, i would prefer it to be an open relationship......as in i would want my partner to agree that we could both be with other people from time to time. now there would be certain "guidelines" that we would both agree on.....mainly just being discreet and not scoring people we know.

this might sound weird but i've basically come to the conclusion that most people do the dirt on each other at some point or another. i don't want to make a rash generalisation but i've seen so many people cheating on their partners......this includes my own father on my mother.....friends and people from work. Cheating on someone you love is really lousy....i personally despise it but i'm trying to be as realistic as possible about it. i'm also trying to protect myself from getting hurt in the future and also not end up being a hypocrite!

so my question is whether women today would be ok with such an arrangement??...or would i be shooting myself in the foot if i was even to mention this to a potential partner???

MissIT

I wouldn't be ok with it. I would be too jealous and constantly insecure I think.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

MissIT wrote: »

I wouldn't be ok with it. I would be too jealous and constantly insecure I think.

I'm male and i'm the same. Not a chance I would get into an open relationship.

Lillylilly

Oh no. No. No no no no no. NO!

That would be a complete no- go.
I think women enjoy being committed and having someone love them and feel that they are enough for them.
There is no way I would ever consider entering into an open relationship. You may as well just be scoring someone as opposed to saying "I want you to be my girlf but wanna keep my options open by having other women too".
Would you honestly be okay with cosying up to your girl on the couch one night, knowing she'd slept with some random dude the night before? Oh, the jealousy!!!

PCPhoto

its rare to find a woman who would be into it.

what you are effectively looking for is a "friend with benefits" - instead of an open relationship.

I've recently ended a "friends with benefits" situation ...due to one of us getting emotional and growing strong feelings for the other....so now our relationship is exclusive...no other people....'cos thats cheating !!!

Gary ITR

Christ no. If you haven't found a person that you want to stay faithful to then you haven't found the right person

I_am_Jebus

Bryn wrote: »

I'm male and i'm the same. Not a chance I would get into an open relationship.

I am male too and I wouldn't either. The idea doesn't appeal to me one bit. I don't agree with the sentiment either that most people will cheat at one stage or another. I know it happens all too often but still don't believe it's such an epidemic that "most" people cheat.

An open relationship is not the solution to your fears or insecurities about being cheated on. If you love someone, I don't see how you could be ok with them being with other people just because you are "allowed" to also. Likewise, I am not sure you can love someone if you are able to and willing to "score" a third party(ies).

tudlytops

i personally wouldn't be ok with it, but i know of couples who do it and they seam happy.

I think people stray because they are unhappy, relationships are hard work, a lot of couples are just going through the motions and they don't even realize that the fire between them as died long before one of them goes astray.

However i can see where you coming from, how do you tell a possible partner that, think the best thing is to bring the subject up in conversation, something like a couple friends of mine are in a open relationship, etc,etc, and see the reaction.

What you don't want to do is let someone special slip through your fingers because one of you in the future may or may not do the dirt as you put it.

PCPhoto

Lillylilly wrote: »

Oh no. No. No no no no no. NO!

That would be a complete no- go.
I think women enjoy being committed and having someone love them and feel that they are enough for them.
There is no way I would ever consider entering into an open relationship. You may as well just be scoring someone as opposed to saying "I want you to be my girlf but wanna keep my options open by having other women too".
Would you honestly be okay with cosying up to your girl on the couch one night, knowing she'd slept with some random dude the night before? Oh, the jealousy!!!

you could be in that situation if you have a one-nighter (although maybe not knowing if she had "scored" the night before)

OP ..... good luck with your search - it is possible to find someone who is willing to have such a situation - however, dont expect this to stay the same way for longer than a couple or weeks/months as at some point emotions will take control.

tudlytops

PCPhoto wrote: »

you could be in that situation if you have a one-nighter (although maybe not knowing if she had "scored" the night before)

OP ..... good luck with your search - it is possible to find someone who is willing to have such a situation - however, dont expect this to stay the same way for longer than a couple or weeks/months as at some point emotions will take control.

Disagree i have a friend married for about 19 years in an open relationship, don't know how they do it, but they are happy, so it is possible.

PCPhoto

tudlytops wrote: »

Disagree i have a friend married for about 19 years in an open relationship, don't know how they do it, but they are happy, so it is possible.

you are entitled to your opinion and fair play to your friend .... he/she ....they ....are the exception in my opinion.

EDIT: I did say that it is possible - in my previous post

minidazzler

Onkle wrote: »

Christ no. If you haven't found a person that you want to stay faithful to then you haven't found the right person

An open relationship is not being unfaithful, the other party knows what you are doing, no lying involved.

Also, that statement is utter horse****e! I know a few swingers, happiest couple I know, married, they just like to have sex with other people. Variety is the spice of life.

tudlytops

PCPhoto wrote: »

you are entitled to your opinion and fair play to your friend .... he/she ....they ....are the exception in my opinion.

EDIT: I did say that it is possible - in my previous post

Yes, but you also said " couple or weeks/month", this is not the case for many couples.

Relationships have changed and i truly believe there is someone for everyone.

This is not for me, especially based on the assumption that one will "do the dirt" starting a relationship with no trust is to condemn the relationship to fail, but on the other hand if someone wants a open relationship because that is the way they like it, then i believe there will be someone out there for them.

PCPhoto

minidazzler wrote: »

An open relationship is not being unfaithful, the other party knows what you are doing, no lying involved.

Also, that statement is utter horse****e! I know a few swingers, happiest couple I know, married, they just like to have sex with other people. Variety is the spice of life.

swingers would be a different thing to an open relationship (to the best of my knowledge swingers swap partners or invite a person to join them....an open relationship is basically each individual being with whomever they want)

I'm open to correction on my definitions above

minidazzler

PCPhoto wrote: »

swingers would be a different thing to an open relationship (to the best of my knowledge swingers swap partners or invite a person to join them....an open relationship is basically each individual being with whomever they want)

I'm open to correction on my definitions above

I use swingers as a catch all really, open would be a better definition probably. They both swap and go it alone.

tudlytops

PCPhoto wrote: »

swingers would be a different thing to an open relationship (to the best of my knowledge swingers swap partners or invite a person to join them....an open relationship is basically each individual being with whomever they want)

I'm open to correction on my definitions above

Yes Swingers are people who are married or in a long-term relationship and who like to have sex with other couples, but that as also involved, now they will swap wife's or simple have sex on their own with someone else, it is not just for swapping couple any more.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

PCPhoto wrote: »

swingers would be a different thing to an open relationship (to the best of my knowledge swingers swap partners or invite a person to join them....an open relationship is basically each individual being with whomever they want)

I'm open to correction on my definitions above

That would be how I would see it also

Lia_lia

I was kinda seeing someone over Christmas who is in an open relationship and had to stop because I found it too awkward.

Raze_them_all

Go for it op.

Gary ITR

minidazzler wrote: »

An open relationship is not being unfaithful, the other party knows what you are doing, no lying involved.

Also, that statement is utter horse****e! I know a few swingers, happiest couple I know, married, they just like to have sex with other people. Variety is the spice of life.

Swinging is a different ballgame, it's two couples getting together or bringing in another person or whatever but you usually do it as a couple it's not going out of an evening on the pull.

My idea of a relationship is spending time with the person you love, wanting that person and that person alone. If you have desires to be with somebody else then there is something missing from your relationship imo. Saying that I haven't been too successful at this relationship lark myself

tudlytops

To me is live and let live, whatever works for a couple.

But if you going to do it do it for the right reasons, not because there is a trust issue that hasn't happen yet.

Hermione*

greengiant09 wrote: »

i have a question for the ladies! i've been thinking recently over the past while that the next relationship i enter into, i would prefer it to be an open relationship......as in i would want my partner to agree that we could both be with other people from time to time. now there would be certain "guidelines" that we would both agree on.....mainly just being discreet and not scoring people we know.

this might sound weird but i've basically come to the conclusion that most people do the dirt on each other at some point or another. i don't want to make a rash generalisation but i've seen so many people cheating on their partners......this includes my own father on my mother.....friends and people from work. Cheating on someone you love is really lousy....i personally despise it but i'm trying to be as realistic as possible about it. i'm also trying to protect myself from getting hurt in the future and also not end up being a hypocrite!

so my question is whether women today would be ok with such an arrangement??...or would i be shooting myself in the foot if i was even to mention this to a potential partner???

I wouldn't be ok with this at all. For me, monogamy is essential if you're going to commit to some one.

Cheating is terrible and happens all too often, but I don't think it happens in the majority of relationships. I also don't think it's possibly to really protect yourself from getting hurt in a relationship. The risk is part of the deal - if you open yourself up to some one, you give them the potential to hurt you. Yes, it's scary but it's worth it imo.

Good luck with your relationship, OP!

Nevyn

I've been in different types of open relationships with different guidelines and usually they have worked out but they take a lot of honesty (including with yourself) and good communication.

If that is the type of relaltionship/s you want for you in your life then go for it,
good luck on finding the right people to be with.

sorrywhat

Personally I couldnt do it. I would be jealous all the time. If he didn't come home who is he having sex with etc. I couldnt have a relationship, as in call some my boyfriend, and also be ok with them sleeping with other people. Also, for myself I think I would find it strange having sex with someone and then crawling into bed beside my boyfriend.

I think if you wan an open relationship, you gotta leave out the relationship piece and just have a friend with benefits. I had one of those. It was a friend I already knew. We used to hang out and go drinking and stuff as normal friends do but we also slept together a lot. But there was never an issue if he wanted to see someone else. He wasnt my boyfriend. I didnt want a relationship with him, he was just a FB.

princess-lala

Personally I couldn't do it, I would always wondering where the other person is and what hes up to if he wasn't with me.

Good luck finding someone who would be willing to share their partner op.

Wibbs

Ive known a few couples like this and it worked for them. Actually seemed to be more healthy in one way. The relationship kept going where it may not have when the sexual novelty died off.

IME Ive found older people more able or more open to this. You would get more open relationships at 35 than at 25. Ive noticed too that as some get older they dont have as much a black and white definition of love and sex and can separate the two. Even if they dont "swing". I dont swing or wouldnt really be into it but I would now separate sex from love much much more than at 21, where one fit the other.

Ive also seen how the sex part of a relationship gets boring more often than it doesnt as the years go by with the same person. If youre together less than 4 years, you wont see that yet in most cases. In ten years even if youre still going strong youre more likely to know what I mean(hence I dont weigh relationship advice from people who've never gone beyond 3 year stints as highly as people together 10 years or more). While in every other way you could be very compatible. Too often people split not because of practical reasons, but simply because they dont feel the lust/spark anymore. Id say thats the case in the majority of cases actually. How many women you know stay with utter wasters etc? Sometimes its because they feel they cant leave, but a lot of the time its because they still have the sexual hots for the guy. You see that with men too.

Myabe in my old age Ive gotten more practical/cynical, delete as applicable.

Now for me personally emotional infidelity is a worse crime. If a partner of mine slept with some bloke out of frustration with me, Id flip but couldcome to terms with it if we were compatible and still emotionally intimate. If the same partner was meeting some bloke and pouring her heart out to him and sharing other emotional intimacies? Game over for me.

With those couples I know who do have an open relationship that's the biggest no no. People getting their wobbly bits entwined ok, but the second it becomes an emotional thing its a line too far. So while I wouldnt be into that lifestyle we would have a similar take(having discussed same we agreed on that part in a big way.

Nevyn

The emotional bit is the difference between an open relationship and a polyamouros relationship.

Wibbs

If it came to it I could do the former but not the latter.

Goldenlady

If you can meet a like minded female happy to do this - then your luck is in! As a female - Im not sure how many girls out there would be happy in that type of relationship, but each to their own!
My friends parents have an open relationship - he father is with another woman for over 20 years as well as her mother.... however my friend doesnt know, and I only know as her mother was drunk and told me one night and her father has been seen with this other woman! It not a nice situation to put us in as her friend as we dont know whether to say it to her or not! But as i said initially - if you are lucky enought to meet someone willing to do this, good luck to ye both

ash23

An open relationship is definitely something I would consider. But I would want certain boundaries and it would be ironing those out and deciding what works for both that would be the danger zone I think.

I also think that while I think I would be ok with it I might not be when the time comes and again, that would be another danger zone.

But yes, as a woman it is definitely something I would be open to and I can see how it would help to keep a relationship alive long term.

Awayindahils

The only open relationship that I've ever seen ended up in one single person (from the original relationship) and one couple (one from the original relationship, one who was met for extracurricular sex) and that new relationship is totally monogamous.

Novella

greengiant09 wrote: »

so my question is whether women today would be ok with such an arrangement??...or would i be shooting myself in the foot if i was even to mention this to a potential partner???

How long is a piece of string?
What will make one woman think, "Perfect!", could just as easily make another want to run for the hills. I think you'd know after talking to someone for a while and doing the whole casual dating thing in the beginning whether or not they are someone who would find the notion of an open relationship acceptable or not.

Personally, I think it's harder for a relationship to be open at the start. If I was to have a relationship with someone, it's because I want more than some easy sex. I want all the little things, the cuddles and the staying up all night talking because there aren't enough hours in the day etc. I'd find it much harder to snuggle up with someone and tell him the things that don't matter to anyone else if I thought that maybe the night before, he'd been with someone else.

However, after a while, the novelty does tend to wear off for me and I become somewhat more detached so I'd imagine I'd be pretty open to seeing other people on a casual level. It'd have to be that for it to work for me, though, completely casual. I couldn't stay in any kind of a relationship with someone if I wasn't the one they were pouring their heart out to.
It's not that I expect a partner to tell me every little thing, but I'd kind of like to be the one they'd turn to and as far as I'm concerned emotional betrayal is a biggie.

Maybe the novelty isn't supposed to wear off though... It probably isn't! So, I guess I don't know. The way I see it is, if you find someone who stimulates you enough mentally, emotionally and physically, why would you want a quick fumble with someone else? For me then, an open relationship would really just mean a relationship that I wasn't into 100%, a relationship with a little bit of something missing.

(I'm not saying all open relationships have a little bit of something missing, just that that's how one would be for me.)

yourdeadwright

never in a million years could i do it, i'd only be with a girl that ireally like so id just become jealous, i currently have a girlfriend and the though of someone else with her would make me sick, In saying that when im out i occsainly chat to a good looking girl and think defo would if i was single but im not so its a no go, and i dont mind cause i know i have a beautiful caring girlfriend at home,

smoggy11

I think open relationships can work. I agree that maybe starting out as an open relationship may be difficult. In my opinion, being together exclusively at the start and building up closeness and intimacy is what separates an open relationship from friends with benefits.

Monogamy is not for everyone. As Wibbs said, it comes down to being able to separate love from sex. Its more important to me that my OH is happy with me. In saying that, If one of his fumbles ever crossed over into an emotional attachment that would be it for me.

Society in general has bought into the idea of the only worthwhile relationship being a monogamous one. People are sold on the idea that wanting to sleep, or be sexually involved with other people means the end of an otherwise loving relationship.

If you do decide to have an open relationship though, I would strongly recommend setting down the rules from the start. What is okay for some people will not be for others, so really talk about it before you go out on the pull!

Giselle

I'm sure open relationships work for some, but not the majority I would think.

I couldn't be in an open relationship and consider it committed. To me committed = exclusive, among other things.

I'm not the jealous type, but I would want my partner to be mine, all mine!!

DancingDaisy

I'm sure that an open relationship wouldn't work for me, I'm not the most secure person in the world and this would definitely do more damage than it's worth.

However, if both people agree to it then I don't see what's wrong. I do know of one situation at the moment, where my friend is kinda involved with a guy who is in an open relationship, but she seems to have gotten a little attached which is tearing her apart. He doesn't spend much time with her and such.

I think relationships take work, and in a way I feel open relationships take even more work.

Ickle Magoo

greengiant09 wrote: »

so my question is whether women today would be ok with such an arrangement??...or would i be shooting myself in the foot if i was even to mention this to a potential partner???

I think it's impossible to say, you'd need to keep asking the girls you were dating until you found one who was happy with such an arrangement. I'm sure there are plenty of people who like and want open relationships, equally there are going to be plenty who want a monogamous relationship.

Personally, I'm one of the latter. I've been in open relationships and I've been with my fella going on 10 years now - tbh the sex and intimacy I have now is a zillion times better (& more frequent!) than it was all those years ago with those new and supposedly such exciting people, so nothing would make me want to go back there.

You say you are thinking this to protect yourself from getting hurt but I have to warn you that you get attached to people you are in a relationship with and regularly experience intimacy with, even in a really open relationship. You can get hurt in any kind of relationship, I don't think having an open relationship protects you from becoming used to, or wanting to be a part of, someone else's life & being upset when that ends - really it doesn't change the act of you/your gf sleeping with someone else or getting attached to someone else either, it just means officially you/they wouldn't be doing anything wrong by your own boundary definitions.

G86

If you were just dating someone I could understand it...as in you haven't discussed a relationship so you're free to see other people. But to me an 'open' relationship is a casual thing, I really don't understand how anyone who see's other people could consider themselves to be in a relationship. I really don't think there can be any real feelings there.

If I'm with someone I really care about then why would I want to be with anyone else or want them to be?? I realise it may sound naive but it just doesn't make any sense at all to me.

G-Money

I don't think there's any way I'd want to be in an open relationship. While it might sound appealing that I could go off with someone else if I wanted to, I think I'd feel guilty about doing so, even if we both agreed that it would be "ok".

Also, I know if I even remotely liked the girl I was in the open relationship with, I'd be jealous and very unhappy at the thoughts of her being with someone else. Can you really say you'd be ok with that?

That_Guy

I'm coming into the topic late but personally there's no way I could ever get into an open relationship. It just wouldn't work for me as I'd just become very very jealous and probably end up extremely hurt.

I don't see how a relationship can be formed between two people if you're both off seeing other people.

You're probably just better off remaining single. I think of open relationships as consentual cheating.

smoggy11

Its not as black and white as Open relationships are casual, meaningless things. Sometimes going into an open relationship can actually save a relationship.

A friend of mine is with a guy now a year and a half, recently they decided to have an open relationship as he was unhappy. He had never had a chance to do the single thing and felt like he was missing out, he sees my friend as the woman he will settle down with and it was freaking him out.

He loves her very much. They are happy living together and as far as I can tell, are actually closer now than they were when he was unhappy. They do have set rules though. For them, being in an open relationship is being able to kiss other people on a night out. For others that may be no big deal, but for them thats enough.

A relationship is not worthless if those in it take steps to save it and monogamy is by no means the only way to be happy. It also doesn't mean that they aren't committed. It just means that, for the time being, their relationship has to take a slightly different shape than what is seen to be socially acceptable.

An open relationship does not equate with not loving your partner, or wanting to be with them. Again, sometimes sex is just sex. It has nothing to do with the intimacy of a relationship.

Sephiroth_dude

No I could'nt do it,it would wreck my head to be honest knowing that shes out ******* someone else.

TitoPuente

That_Guy wrote: »

I don't see how a relationship can be formed between two people if you're both off seeing other people.

Me neither. How anyone can build a meaningful, loving and intimate relationship with someone while f**king other people is beyond me. I'm sorry to sound judgemental but if I was with someone who said they wanted an 'open relationship' I'd just think they were being selfish and would probably look down my nose at them as being a little bit unbalanced. Needless to say, I'd drop them like a hot potato.

That_Guy wrote: »

You're probably just better off remaining single.

Yeah. Nothing wrong with being single and having multiple partners if that's your thing. Why would someone want to be in a relationship at all if their intention is to have sex with other people? I mean, I'd consider myself a fairly open-minded person and I can distinguish between love and sex no problem. I just don't understand how a person can have an intimate and loving relationship with someone and just bed-hop without any guilt or awkwardness at all. Maybe I just don't "get it"... but, quite frankly, I don't want to.

manjosh

Actually in contrary to what most people think in my opinion, a lot of female will be open to the idea if you go through the series of steps necessary before presenting such relationship model to them.
It all about the presentation people.

Mars Bar

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