I dont know wha to do... So confused...

LegacyUser

I am going unreg for this.

Firstly, can I ask that I am not judged for this.... I need advice, not criticism....

I got with My ex Girlfiend back in November after a brief friendship with her....

When I got with her I knew the story and I accepted it. She has two children and is mid twenties like me.... I didnt have a problem with it then.... My family did though.

Since then I have basically fallen for her. I have fallen hard. I spoke to another family member recently and the basic story was that my parents who I love very much were distraught over my situation. They couldnt understand it and were worried sick for me. This scared me if not worried me. I broke up with this girl on TUesday... Two days before we were meant to go away for the weekend. I broke all contact. When I was driving home today I got a sickly feeling.... I had done the wrong thing.... I texted her and said " I have really f*cked up, Havent I ? " She texted me a few times back but I didnt know what to say to her and just said I am sorry and that I shouldnt have texted her....

She says she is distraught and she is very upset over the whole thing.

I dont know how I feel. I want her but I dont know if I want a ready made family.... IT's a massive ask for anybody. I dont want to hurt her and I certainly dont want to mess with her head, I care about her too much.... I dont know what to do. I love her.... I know I do.... but if I get back with her then I am facing massive family fall back and if I dont I will always be asking.... What if.... I am so confused...

Somebody help me.

LegacyUser

Ask yourself if you are really ready and willing to take on her children.This is the first thing you need to do.
Then:
1)If you think you can't, let her go, they come as a package.

2a)If you can, get in contact with her and tell her you have made a huge mistake.
b) Explain to your family that she makes you happy. That you broke up with her and it felt completely unnatural and that you are happier with her and her two children than you would ever be with someone else. That despite what they think, you will be miserable without her and that you should be commended for being willing to take on another mans children.

Love doesn't come along often. If you think she's the one don't let it go but try to come to some type of understanding with your family.

But leave her be if YOU can't handle a ready-made family. Not because of what your parents think.

LegacyUser

Look you're still in early days in your relationship, or you were before you broke it off. You're not moving in with her or adopting her kids at the moment, presumably you're still at the stage where you're taking things slowly.

It's great that you are close to your parents and that their opinions matter to you but you can't let them live your life for you. Ok so maybe from their point of view it's not ideal that she has two kids at her age but if you fell that hard for her so soon then she must be a pretty great person. You don't want to resent them down the line if in say ten years time you are still single and wondering about the one that got away. Did they ever meet her or just base their opinions on what they heard about her?

Really it's up to you to see what makes you happy, IF she will take you back and if it's what you want then go for it, maybe try talking to your parents about why she makes you happy and down the line you can worry about the ready-made family, but not right now. It's not always that easy to find someone you love and that loves you so IMO you should at least give it a full try.

Angus Og

You can still be a father to children that aren't your own. If you love her, it would be mad to let her go, and from what you said, it was your family that forced you to drop her.

There are a few things to think about:

1. Do you resent her children?
2. Do your family have some sort of hold on you, and is it greater than the love you feel for her?

You wouldn't be the first person to fall in love with a baggage-carrier, but hey, if her only baggage consists of two children that you could be a father to, then you should go after her.

Otherwise, let her go. You may start ruining her self-esteem, and that may ruin her chance of a happy future without you.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I've gone out with someone with a child before so I do understand that it is a massive ask. I undertand your parents point of view and also your point of view. I think you need to answer all of the questions that were asked above. You need to think about what YOU want. If you decide that you want to be with this girl I'm sure that your parents will come around if they see that you've thought about this and made a decision having considered all sides.

I would ask you to be careful though if you do proceed with this relationship. I understand that she comes as part of a package but I would caution you to be careful about how close you get to her children, I would put off having any kind of relationship with them at all until you are very sure you will be sticking around, maybe just be around them as their mammy's friend for a good while. It would not be good for them at all to have a relationship with you and then in a while for you to disappear if it doesn't work out.

This is definately a situation in which you must proceed with caution, take it very slow and do not build an attachment to her children yet if you can help it. If you do end up close to them and then breaking up with their mother it will making walking away very very very hard and complicated.

If you love her and know she is the one for you then I would say go for it and give your parents the trust and belief that they will come around when they see that you are happy.

Best of luck OP, it's a tricky one.

anucksunamun

Hey OP,

You say you dont want to hurt this lady, I'm afraid..too late for that now. You have to remember there are 4 people in this relationship.. Be absolutely sure you wont be letting three of them down again IF you do go back (if she lets you that is)

You should also really have a serious think about why your parents opinion matters SO much to you, I understand to a certain degree... but I would never be so rash, purely because they weren't happy.. which makes me wonder is there another reason? Be honest with yourself, were you looking for an out?

Also texting her is so unfair, its giving her hope.. if there is no hope I advise you stop, and dont do that again.. you'll end up totally wrecking her head.

As to wanting her but not a ready made family.. it doesn't work that way.. to get her you accept her children wholeheartedly, or you get nothing..

Consider all this before you make any further contact.