I was the other woman, didn't know - what to do now?

Firebunny

I have a pretty long story to tell and need advice. If you can stick out til the end it would be appreciated.. if not.. then thanks for coming by.

I was in a committed and "trusting" relationship until a few days ago with a man I met online. Now..yes internet relationships are not all the best but..I figured..why should we all be geographically limited to find someone suitable for ourselves?

Anyway I live in NY he lives in Texas, on the first week that we met after talking to him for months prior and speaking to his best friends and certain family members..I met his parents, siblings went paintballing and had dinner with his friends. We hooked up, he expressed having been lucky to have found me and played the role of "that guy" pretty darn well.

When things were good he was a great guy, like with any relationship..good things come from it, I was helped with homework and school. He introduced me to music, ideas.....just in general helped me out a lot and was there for me. Over time he became inconsistent and a bit more indifferent, but we had had issues with my jealousy and obssessiveness and he felt that it had ruined our relationship. Or that I did things that he just would never forget. (I was jealous because I always had the feeling that something was up).

He was a very "respectful" guy, so he didnt want our relationship paraded online..with any photos and such up. I always asked why he never told his ex about me which had been seeing when we first met...and he told me that he hadn't been around her..and had dropped her completely to be with me and that it was pretty unecessary to call her up and talk to her about me......yet sometimes when I would go up there to visit him he would get dozens of calls from her. I even found some messages from her which he claimed that weren't uptodate.

Now, yes.. I know it's obvious that Its my fault for being that stupid ane believing everything that a man tells me. But throughout the whole entire relationship I asked him repeatedly if he would be honest if he even so looked at another woman..or was unsure about relationship. I repeatedly asked him if he ever felt like he wasnt happy anymore and was just generally assured that he wanted me completely and wouldn't be strung around had he not been interested genuinely.

On his defense...He tried to breakup with me..after one of my little obsesive episodes. I told him I'd work on it and again he told me that he was happy..that the only thing he couldnt deal with was my jealousy and mistrust.

Well, just recently he hacked into my g-mail and found a convo I had with one of my customers who had been inviting me to dinner (with his gf). He confronted me about the guy while making it seem like he never hacked my personal info and someone had "tipped him off". I found it bizarre and just couldnt believe him..I had believed everything he said up to this point. Well i felt like if had a reason to dig..that he definately had a tail to step on..So i gathered up the will to send his ex a message. ..And soon after that I get a phone call where he breaks up with me.....Here's why...

His ex was really his fiancee who he was looking for rings to marry. She even almost had his baby..but lost it. The reason he broke up with me..I later found out was because he was standing behind her when she opened the message I sent. ...When he called me he tried to play it off like he didnt know anything about the message. He attempted to break up with me and have me gtf ouf his life and leave her alone. (he finally admitted to having been around her)...He then proceeded to accuse me of being a controlling bitch. And that he had no friends. And was even only going to live for 5-10 more years. he begged..pleaded even cried to leave things alone...and that i was going to ruin the one chance of a friend he had just gotten..after me ruining his life. He told me that he felt sorry for MY ex since I was a poisonous bitch or that crazy gf that guys talk about... (I sat in shock while he told me all these things).

Well...I ended up talking to her. Turns out that like i said before he was about to get engaged and was virtually living with her. She payed for his clothes, gas..bought him gifts (he didnt have a job)..and even once paid for my own plane ticket up there without her knowing. Everything he ever told me about being away do to work..or having been with family ( I didnt get a phoen call on new years..since he was supposedly hunting..while she had stayed over his place for 3 nights). Every picture, song, or pretty much just anything ever told to me was a lie....Yeah.. its crazy when i go and read the message logs and read all his promises..loving gestures..his helpful attitude..his validating comments..and just honest-to-god genuine compliments...two years worth of them..and know that I was played nicely. (BTW he had the time to keep us both since she was working two jobs to maintain the two of them..whenever he wasnt with her he was keeping up with me)

I did my best to try to help her and show her that "what we had" was pretty real..or seemed to be. I sent her messages...told her how he was..and even told her allt he **** he talked about her and her friends.

Well..in the end..he never apologized. The only time he bothered to send me anything was to tell me that he didnt care..to leave him the **** alone and that I'm a crazy suicidal bitch and should go die in a sewer. He apparently did a good job in convincing her too. Since she called ma a scarred up whore. He told her my arms were covered in scars. *side story:He was mexican and had mailed me a baggy that she bought him..full of tamales, he had included HEr knife in it since i had wanted one. She began to ask for her knife back..and if not..to use it to slit my wrists and finish myself off.

Now I dont think that anyone who reads this will understand the amount of mixed emotions to have had a real relationship just end..and realize the person didnt exist..but to have tried to help someone only be accused and told to go kill myself. He will not even apologize..why? i dont know..maybe he convinced himself that i was infact suicidal..was I? lol..hell now even i believe it. (btw he made it clear that he regretted what he did to her and not me LOL) I saw him 3 times throughout those three years...he told her that the only reason he never left me was because he didnt want my death on his conscience. He said that I raped him and forced myself on him, and that he was repullseed by me physically. Now..i dont want to brag..but i'm pretty god looking 5'6, 128 pounds, athletic, very proportionate and dont have trouble finding guys who would want to ..ya know. .So needless to say..he lied.. and i have 2 years worth of pics and messages to prove that.

Now, at the risk of being accused by anyone..like she did..that I want validation for our relationship *that didnt exist.. Im goign to sum up why i'm writing this. I want to know..how a human being is capable of keeping someone around for that long, under false pretense.. and not feel an ounce of remorse or need to apologize. He was the second guy i had been with sexually and he knew i was interested in something serious and wasn't looking for a **** around...How can someone feign those feelings for that long?...How do these people work. And..in the event he reeeeeeeeeally is that mentally ****ed up that one day he wont sit down and realize how ****ty of a person he is. What can I do to make him pay?..I know that at this point I should be focusing on rebuilding my life and this is just a waste of my energy..but how is that someone can take two years of anothers...not feel any remorse and feel like they can walk away without any remorse?...shouldnt something be done....please give me suggestions or your honest opinions.

In the end i know that this is a wakeup call teaching me not to believe everything people say, and to really be careful. Its good that it didnt go on for longer and have me find out that his wedding would be the next day. I'm still young and have a future ahead of me. I just feel lost, broken and in shock that this has happened to me, and would like to tell myself that he will suffer for this somehow. ..I feel like a thrown away piece of rag...who just wanted to do good for others and make them happy. I can go on and on..so I'm going to stop. Any helpful advice or thoughts on this situation or what i need to do, focus anything is welcome.

Oh* i forgot to add the part where after telling them to leave me alone she kept sending comments about wanting her knife back..and calling me suicidal. I thought I talked some sense into her, and then got angry of his stupid comments so I sent messages to his facebook friends. He called and told me he didnt give a **** at all..then they both threatened to file harrassment charges, and he told me he would mail things to my coworkers to get me fired. After that..i really realized that it wasnt worth it,and now i'm even concerned for my job, because he IS that miserable of a person to not only not apologize but to finish ruining someone's life that he already ****ed up royally. How lucky am I?

Angus Og

It's his fault not yours. The best thing for you now is to forget about him. He really isn't worth your time or effort. There are many men exactly like him in the world, and it's hard to say this, but now you know better.

You probably shouldn't have gone any further than talking to the other woman, but it's too late to think about that now.

And revenge? Forget about it. You'll never be able to make him pay for what he's done. Let karma have him, and it surely will. You don't have to lower yourself to his standards.

The man you were in love with doesn't exist. This man you hate so much isn't him.

Taltos

I also think you need to protect yourself here.

He has already "hacked" into one of your email accounts.
> change them all - not the passwords - but the accounts.
> also inform your friends that if contacted by anyone - they are not to reveal your new contact details.
> I suggest you also maybe seek legal advice if you really do think he will contact your job.

As to what to do next - you already know.
> Don't reply to any more texts, mails, emails, calls, etc.
> Keep them all - every little bit is evidence.

It really sounds like you got totally used there - and to be honest this sounds like something from Jerry Springer - so totally outside my remit of experience. Don't let this one bad apple turn you off though - just listen to your instincts - and treat the next bloke on his own merits.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Really sorry to hear about your situation, it's awful. You've done nothing wrong here and should hold your head up. I totally agree with previous poster that you should protect yourself, e-mail accounts etc. Couly you approach your boss about this, just to give him a heads up on whats happened, obviously i'm sure you don't want to go in to all the details. If it were me i'd be giving the police a call just to inform them of what they're trying to do.

You are lucky to be away from this scummy SOB. His girlfriend sounds like a gullable fool, she actually believes his BS, they deserve each other. She who's laughing when she marries him and he does this on her again, only this time if she divorces him he'll be entitled to half of everything. Good luck to the pair of them I say. Forget about him move on.

Best of luck OP xxx

Dark Phoenix

Get outta there. You have done nothing wrong he is a lying cheating excuse for a man.

Like taltos said make sure to change any personal passwords on your pc / email / voicemail/.

Cut him out of your life I know its hard but the more you are involved the more it will hurt. leave his girlfriend to cop on in her own time, if she is stupid enough to believe him despite everything then you know what they deserve each other

LegacyUser

OP I am confused about the details in your message and the amount of personal on site contact you seem to be having here. Or am I misunderstanding something? You say you live in NY and he lives in Texas? Did one of you move? Texas ia around 2,000 km from NY. It would take 26 hours non stop to drive one way.

Angus Og

She flew.

anucksunamun

Also 'I saw him 3 times throughout those three years'

LegacyUser

Go "up there to visit him" ?? NY is not south of Texas...she should be going DOWN THERE to visit him.

Sleepy

You were both living a fantasy OP. An on-line "relationship" where you see each other a handful of times over two years isn't ever going to be treated like a "real" relationship by most guys.

Angus Og

It's not unusual for someone to confuse details when they're upset. Look at the length of the post.

John Mason

Firebunny wrote: »

I saw him 3 times throughout those three years...

this bit has me confused out of the 2 years your were together you only seen him 3 times - is this right or am i reading it wrong?

if this is right, sersiously, you need to move on and leave him and his gf alone

Barracudaincork

visiting also wrote: »

Go "up there to visit him" ?? NY is not south of Texas...she should be going DOWN THERE to visit him.

My friends Dad told me once when you travel from one city to another its called going up to visit regardless of that fact where the city is and when you are coming back to your home city you are travelling back down. It was something to do with railroad workers using that phrase etc

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

My friends Dad told me once when you travel from one city to another its called going up to visit regardless of that fact where the city is and when you are coming back to your home city you are travelling back down. It was something to do with railroad workers using that phrase etc

I live in the US - No body uses that. North is north and south is south. No one in NY would ever say "going up to Texas" - which by the way is a STATE and not a CITY. Because of the civil war and contemporary politics we are VERY aware of north/south. Believe me.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I really think you need to get into councelling, there is no way you can come out of that situation undamaged. It would be awful if you end up with trust issues so I would suggest that you see a councellor, I've gone myself for other issues and they're great, (well some of them anyway). You're kinda lucky that you're in such a big country, it'll be really easy to avoid him!!! Let all thoughts of revenge go, it really is true that hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. Having said that, you are only human so if it helps get your revenge by thinking about how ****ed up they are and how truly unhappy they're going to make themselves, they obviously don't need any help with that. You really need to see him and her as the truly pathetic creatures they are (absolute scumbags is what we Irish would call them), and try to pity them if possible, they do not have a future of happiness ahead of them. If he or her interferes with you again or contacts you by any means I would just contact the police to see about some kind of barring order. The sooner you get these people out of your life and you start healing the better. Wrap your dignity and self respect around yourself and know that you are the one who was wronged, keep your head high and work on making your life happy, healthy and full, you deserve it after that.

BIG BIG SQUISHY HUGS
Best of luck.

Angus Og

USAView wrote: »

I live in the US - No body uses that. North is north and south is south. No one in NY would ever say "going up to Texas" - which by the way is a STATE and not a CITY. Because of the civil war and contemporary politics we are VERY aware of north/south. Believe me.

Yes, but she still might have confused it while writing. You may not have noticed, but she had to add in a whole paragraph after finishing.

LegacyUser

OP,

Are you still in school? do you mind me asking what ages the people involved are?

Barracudaincork

USAView wrote: »

I live in the US - No body uses that. North is north and south is south. No one in NY would ever say "going up to Texas" - which by the way is a STATE and not a CITY. Because of the civil war and contemporary politics we are VERY aware of north/south. Believe me.

Ok my deepest apologies, i did not mean to offend you. I dont live in the states and therefore did not realise how important this is to you all.

Can i ask as you deem the whole up and down thing so important, if the OP had said it the correct way, what would your advise/help be for her then? How would it have changed how she felt, how she was treated etc Maybe its just me, but i cant see the relevance.

Firebunny

visiting also wrote: »

Go "up there to visit him" ?? NY is not south of Texas...she should be going DOWN THERE to visit him.

To reply to this person saying why i used "flying up there"..there reason is simple. His hometown is lufkin, and I used to go visit him in houston which is North from that town. He would always use that same expression, so I guess it stuck.

And to respond to everyone else..it was 3 times only because I had a job, and got into school later on. I found out later that he DID try to prolong the trips since he was telling her all along that eh was visiting family in Dallas, and for some reason never came back with pics. And ...how often can someone possibly visit family?.. He would also sometimes randomly get parking violations, or have to help his family members supposedly..and even lost his wallet. Any new possessions he got were never purchased by him..they were gifts according to him. After speaking to her..it was actually true..he was saving up his money while everyone bought him gifts. On my end I didn't want to be inconsiderate and demanding while the poor guy had things to take care of. I didnt want to play the selfish gf who just cared about seeing him when there were more important things. ..I ultimately wanted to show him that I'd wait for him and be there when he was ready..lol.

I am definitely..thinking about therapy. Everyday I wake up anxious..I get nightmares about them having sex in my house. About being rejected and mislead. I wake up wondering if he did every try to get away from me and I was just too smitten to notice. And ultimately what I did that was so bad to have deserved this since people often tell themselves that when you "do the right thing" life will eventually treat you well. It sure doesnt seem that way and it seems like people just get off in using one another and fight to get to the top. Obviously the way they get there, who they hurt and what they do to get there means nothing...at all. It's hard to realize those things after growing up wanting to do right by myself and others and now know that it's all BS. I'm really trying to not lose hope in people right now I guess. That's going to be the toughest part.

...And ever being intimate again? lol.. i wonder if itll be easier or harder next time around..because it all has lost that hint of exclusiveness, after holding out for a guy for two years who I told that I wish would have been my first. What does that tell me about my choices and what sex actually stands for..and what guys and even myself are capable of exposing my self to?..obviously I have a twisted outlook in some of this.

But i think of one of you said it best that I cant honestly hate a person who doesnt exist. I just have to learn to deal with what the person behind that mask did to me.

Firebunny

USAView wrote: »

I live in the US - No body uses that. North is north and south is south. No one in NY would ever say "going up to Texas" - which by the way is a STATE and not a CITY. Because of the civil war and contemporary politics we are VERY aware of north/south. Believe me.

I replied later in the comments but again.. his hometown was south of Houston which is where I repeatedly saw him. He used to say that he would be driving "up" to see him or that I would be flying "up" there because of the location in relation to him.

Firebunny

confusedmuch wrote: »

OP,

Are you still in school? do you mind me asking what ages the people involved are?

I am in school and actually took a semester off since i work almost fulltime, and felt like I wouldnt have enough time forhim, school and taking time out to see him randomly. Thank god i'm back in school next semester. I'm 21 years old. Yeah young, but it's never too young real bad. I would have preferred later maybe So i could atleast enjoy my naive youth with some cheesy romance. Not this.

Firebunny

Taltos wrote: »

I also think you need to protect yourself here.

He has already "hacked" into one of your email accounts.
> change them all - not the passwords - but the accounts.
> also inform your friends that if contacted by anyone - they are not to reveal your new contact details.
> I suggest you also maybe seek legal advice if you really do think he will contact your job.

As to what to do next - you already know.
> Don't reply to any more texts, mails, emails, calls, etc.
> Keep them all - every little bit is evidence.

It really sounds like you got totally used there - and to be honest this sounds like something from Jerry Springer - so totally outside my remit of experience. Don't let this one bad apple turn you off though - just listen to your instincts - and treat the next bloke on his own merits.

Yeah i've told my employer already. im actually curious of what the asshole would send and if after doing what he did to me..he would go as far as screwing my job over. he accused me of "****ing with his life"...really?.. Right after he broke up with me he told me to leave his life alone.. I think that's where I realized that something was wrong with him. Even after breaking up with someone after 6months you develop and attachment that unless the person was a real asshole..you cant just drop them and tell them to leave your life alone..and just goodbye. But....now i Realize that i was his spare time..his side hobbie who stuck around..He really DID have a life and i wasn't a part of it and now he felt like i was going to ruin it for him. .Maybe that's why he hated me, he can ruin my job..but i'll find another one..It wont be so easy for him to find another "happily ever after" . People like him love to blame others for their conditions. i just wonder how long he will be able to keep up the blame game before he sits down and realizes that HE did this to himself but most of all what he did to me. I dont know if after time passes I will even want an apology. I guess the part of me that got ****ed over wants him to feel hurt and miserable that he really lost me, but then I also know that someone like that doesn't know whats worth hanging on to..doesnt know how to treat people and is definately empty and even if he had feelings..he wouldnt know how to use them. ..And in saying all that..its a scary thought if he in fact HAD kept me around.. its a scary thought that a monster like that even had me to begin with. As you can see after my little world was shattered Its hard to keep track of what feelings i should have or shouldnt and it's all a big cluster****. I just want to know what to do to make it better and how to make it go away and end up remotely sane after this.

Firebunny

Angus Og wrote: »

It's his fault not yours. The best thing for you now is to forget about him. He really isn't worth your time or effort. There are many men exactly like him in the world, and it's hard to say this, but now you know better.

You probably shouldn't have gone any further than talking to the other woman, but it's too late to think about that now.

And revenge? Forget about it. You'll never be able to make him pay for what he's done. Let karma have him, and it surely will. You don't have to lower yourself to his standards.

The man you were in love with doesn't exist. This man you hate so much isn't him.

I really do hope Karma exists. More than ANYTHING in the world right now. I'd give up my life's possessions just to ensure it. The asshole part of me wants him to suffer. And the part of me that pities him wants him to get help and be somehow happy one day. How sad am I?..this asshole ****s me over...and i somehow hope that he gets help..lol. I think i need to become like other people who really dont give a **** about anyone but themselves.. I guess in the end I really just won't be like him and do hope that if anything..ultimately I can get back at him by being happier and living a way better life than he ever will. People have been telling me that nothing hurts someone more than to know that you were better of without them and can be happier and genuinely a better person without you in their lives. One day itll just be him on his own and he WILL have to think about the **** he did, I just feel bad about what hole he will fall into when he realizes what and who he is.

LegacyUser

Firebunny wrote: »

I am in school and actually took a semester off since i work almost fulltime, and felt like I wouldnt have enough time forhim, school and taking time out to see him randomly. Thank god i'm back in school next semester. I'm 21 years old. Yeah young, but it's never too young real bad. I would have preferred later maybe So i could atleast enjoy my naive youth with some cheesy romance. Not this.

Girl, i'll give you this advice don't ever sacrifice your career or education for any man, be it this asshole or an actual prince charming.

LegacyUser

Sorry but I think people here are giving you an easy ride..its easy to say its his problem and not yours but to be honest I think the biggest issue is your behavior in the 'relationship'.

First of all, it wasnt a serious relationship. Meeting someone 3 times in 2 years is not a relationship, of course he was seeing someone else. The fact that you viewed it as such a serious relationship says more about your state of mind than anyone here is telling you.

You constantly asked him to define how he felt about you, pestered him by asking if he was really into you..thats enough to turn ANY man off, particularly if he already views this as something not particularly serious. You should look for counselling over your lack of self esteem. It will destroy an future relationship you might have.

Stalking him and harrassing him and his girlfriend wont help. Shes been taken in by him, let her find out the hard way. its none of your business and you arent trying to make her see the light for her sake, youre doing it because you want to see him punished and alone. Its easy just to say let go of your resentment but hard to do. The first step is just LEAVE THEM ALONE. Youre coming across as needing serious therapy.

Sorry but most people here are just telling you what you want to hear...if they came across you in real life they would have a much different opinion.

LegacyUser

Op,

You met his parents and siblings, did they know he was already in a relationship? Was this guy older than you? I agree slightly with the above poster that you shouldn't have viewed this a serious relationship, but that doesn't mean he's not pondscum. When you found out he'd a girlfriend, how often where you ringing them?

John Mason

OP this is going to be harsh

You meet him 3 times in 2 years - you were not in a relationship with him, he was your penpal.

you need to stop stalking him and gf and let him get on with his life.

I really think you should get some counsel because some of things you have said here are a really scary.

go and get yourself some professional help ASAP

Miss Fluff

Firebunny wrote: »

I replied later in the comments but again.. his hometown was south of Houston which is where I repeatedly saw him.

3 times is not repeatedly. And you were not his girlfriend. Sounds like you formed an unhealthy attachment to this guy to be honest. You need to forget he even exists and get on with living a real life in the real world.

LegacyUser

I feel for you, OP.

Luckily, you are still very young.

I agree with you that the guy was an assh@le. No matter how naive you were.

Learn from it.

And hope you won't become bitter about life and men and relationships.

All the best.

Bottle_of_Smoke

visiting also wrote: »

Go "up there to visit him" ?? NY is not south of Texas...she should be going DOWN THERE to visit him.

typical northern hemispherer attitude.

OP, you're asking how he could do this to you. Answer is simple, he's human. Our consciences aren't as strong as people make out. He liked having 2 girlfriends. simple as

Firebunny

advice12 wrote: »

Sorry but I think people here are giving you an easy ride..its easy to say its his problem and not yours but to be honest I think the biggest issue is your behavior in the 'relationship'.

First of all, it wasnt a serious relationship. Meeting someone 3 times in 2 years is not a relationship, of course he was seeing someone else. The fact that you viewed it as such a serious relationship says more about your state of mind than anyone here is telling you.

You constantly asked him to define how he felt about you, pestered him by asking if he was really into you..thats enough to turn ANY man off, particularly if he already views this as something not particularly serious. You should look for counselling over your lack of self esteem. It will destroy an future relationship you might have.

Stalking him and harrassing him and his girlfriend wont help. Shes been taken in by him, let her find out the hard way. its none of your business and you arent trying to make her see the light for her sake, youre doing it because you want to see him punished and alone. Its easy just to say let go of your resentment but hard to do. The first step is just LEAVE THEM ALONE. Youre coming across as needing serious therapy.

Sorry but most people here are just telling you what you want to hear...if they came across you in real life they would have a much different opinion.

Yeah you're probably right. I realized there was something wrong with me when I hand picked out an asshole from 1k miles away. And as far as the questions for validation..it went both ways. I saw him 3 times, but did I mention that she had two jobs? So he was constantly home..constantly sending me messages and we were always keeping up with each other through that method? He made sure he was linked to my life at all times, was informed about everything that I did and had when I came out of work, when i got into work, timed to a T. He got insecure when I bought new clothes or did anything new..like going to the movies with my friends (girls) or slept over my friends house..or even went to my brother's bday party since it was at a club. I couldnt go shopping...bla blabla..and now I know why everything bothered him lol. I literally WASTED two years.

Btw his insecurities went beyond just asking if he i still liked him or was still happy. He constantly sent pictures of "himself", constantly needed me to compliment him, and constantly hounded me for pics of myself...I wondered what he did with all of them lol..he got mad if i didnt do it exactly when he asked me to...or when he noticed I didn't call him hot..or tell him how "turned on" i was by him..

LOL. Did I mention that he had access to my e-mail without me knowing and was making sure for god knows how long that I wasnt ****ing HIM over? So it was clear that he wanted to live his life while I based mine ONLY on his. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to excuse my behavior after looking back and not only seeing that I tolerated him treating me in ways that I shouldn't have or any person should, but that I also ultimately put myself in this position I know I need therapy after this and yes..I do want him to suffer..he made sure that it was a bit more deep than just a "penpal" relationship.

I'm going to try hard to focus only on myself from now on, but again, when i wake up anxious..or turn on the computer..and just little itty bitty things remind of all this ****ed up situation..its a bit hard and it's going to take me a while...and i really want the thoughts of them to go away..when I'm at work..when i'm outside.. i'ts just not fair. And thank you for the harsh words and honest thoughts, I really do need to hear what everyone's thoughts are on this and need to see my mistakes. Because right now all i can focus is on how much of a dick he was..I really do need to try anything and everything to focus on myself right about now..its hard to get all this out of my head.

Angus Og

You're only human, and humans are supposed to make mistakes. That's how we learn. Try emptying your head of everything, rather than trying to turn your thoughts away.

Firebunny

confusedmuch wrote: »

Op,

You met his parents and siblings, did they know he was already in a relationship? Was this guy older than you? I agree slightly with the above poster that you shouldn't have viewed this a serious relationship, but that doesn't mean he's not pondscum. When you found out he'd a girlfriend, how often where you ringing them?

at first.. i sent her quite a few messages..but not THAT many. I always left it on a note telling her that if she ever had any questions..or he was trying to convince her that i'm **** or that he was the "good guy" in all of this since he is an AMAZINGLY good liar..like wow..he deserves a medal for manipulation. ..that she can send me a message or ask me anything.

she would send me random messages asking me things. and i'd make sure I go and back up thigns with message logs of previous conversations. I also pretty much described the relationship he was trying to paint to me.. which was nothing fleeting or nothing immature. As an adult I should have seen it as such after I observed the facts..And I should have known that i was being an idiot.
But as a person who wanted to trust another one.. i believed when he told me that was trying his hardest to get a job, get back into school and build some resources so that he could move to NY when he was ready. I believed when he told me he "saw himself with me"..and that it was just me he wanted and nothing more, and that he wouldnt string me along for that long if he didn't care. He'd say.."hey, its me, you know me.. I wouldn't do that to you, I honest to god care about you and love you"..LOL..

So after I sent her those messages and described how he was..she went rogue. And started to tell me off. Did i mention he's good with computers? I'm pretty sure he fabricated some evidence against me..so i fear for her, when she's going to marry that grade of asshole. And trust me.. the messages went back and forth and at some point i told her to leave me alone. She decided to continue sending me messages randomly telling me to go kill myself and to go slit my wrists.. IF i were unstable like they claimed.. isnt that a bit ****ed up and dangerous to send those messages to someone?..if you honestly believe that the person is psycho?.. I'd be dead by now or had flown to tx to seek my revenge lol...IF THEY WERE RIGHT. But the fact is that they arent, they made sure to try to make me feel worthless and he stuck to the "shes crazy" attitude so she'd belive him and she did. And he is a worthless scumbag.. shed my blood? for that? ..ha. Maybe in his crazy imagination of the great guy that he is he can convince himself that i was THAT crazy for him. I loved the person who played himself out to be.. not the person he actually is.

he sent me amessage saying "if you think that all these obsessive messages will make you feel cared for and remembered youre wrong, go on and kill yourself and know that you will leave no mark in this world and will not be remembered"

I really won't waste my time with him seeking any type of revenge. The deepest parts of me wants me to suffer, but i know that in the end its not worth wasting my time over. Everyone tells me that to take revenge.i just have to go and be happier than he ever could be. I can only hope that he either gets help or that he rots alone one day. If you've read the message above you'll know what type of person he is. And if you're wondering..hmm..what could have she done to cause him to do this or be that much of an asshole to her..the answer is simple. Nothing. Everyone around me sees it, i know it..i know it even though he's tried soo hard convincing me I've done something wrong somehow...and finally now you may understand why i'm so baffled that someone could be that way towards a caring human being. I really dont think i'll ever understand it.

Firebunny

Angus Og wrote: »

You're only human, and humans are supposed to make mistakes. That's how we learn. Try emptying your head of everything, rather than trying to turn your thoughts away.

yeah i'm hoping that this posting stuff will help lol. thank you for your advice.

anucksunamun

Firebunny the reason you cant understand how he could treat you like that is because your not some little b***h who enjoys f*****g people over. Be glad about that. Please dont take this as talking down to you at all, but when I was your age I also went out with a guy who messed with my head, in different ways to yours admittedly, but I also loved the idea of the man, and not the actual man.. Your half way there to getting over this.. You already realise this, and can mourn that man.. In a few years from now you'll barely remember all the horrible details that now fill your brain, its not like you'll ever have to see him again.

Listen to what Angus said, your only human, we all make mistakes. I really think you need to speak to a therapist about these trust issues you may now develop if your not careful, and also theres an excellent phrase I learned to forgive myself for not seeing all my ex's flaws, so I could move on and live with what I had allowed him to do to me... 'You did then what you knew how to do, when you knew better... you did better'.. Now Firebunny, you know better... Do better!

Firebunny

anck su namun wrote: »

Firebunny the reason you cant understand how he could treat you like that is because your not some little b***h who enjoys f*****g people over. Be glad about that. Please dont take this as talking down to you at all, but when I was your age I also went out with a guy who messed with my head, in different ways to yours admittedly, but I also loved the idea of the man, and not the actual man.. Your half way there to getting over this.. You already realise this, and can mourn that man.. In a few years from now you'll barely remember all the horrible details that now fill your brain, its not like you'll ever have to see him again.

Listen to what Angus said, your only human, we all make mistakes. I really think you need to speak to a therapist about these trust issues you may now develop if your not careful, and also theres an excellent phrase I learned to forgive myself for not seeing all my ex's flaws, so I could move on and live with what I had allowed him to do to me... 'You did then what you knew how to do, when you knew better... you did better'.. Now Firebunny, you know better... Do better!

You did then what you knew how to do, when you knew better... you did better. You're totally right. Right now i know i need to forget all this but to the point where I will remember enough to not make the same mistakes. Thank you so much for your support and help throughout all this. It helps to know that some people out there know what's right or wrong and are trying their best to be genuinely happy. I'm fighting to still want to be one of those people without letting this get me down. I was easy prey because I honestly wanted to believe in him and be a loving human being. It's sad people do this to others but it's just reality and as hard as it is to accept..it just happens. Now i'm trying to tell myself that my only task is to work towards being as happy as I can be..so that if I ever see or hear from him again..I really won't care about any of this and I'll see this as just a ****ty insignificant experience that happened when I was young and helped mold the better person that I will be. ...Here's for trying to stay positive. lol. Any experience that happened to you and any other advice is very welcome.

LegacyUser

You never explained how you met his family? Did they know about this girl?

Firebunny

confusedmuch wrote: »

You never explained how you met his family? Did they know about this girl?

he took me to his home. I always flew to houston, we made a 2 hour drive down to his home town where he had arranged a paintballing game with all his friends so I would have a chance to meet them all. After playing and having dinner with all of them he took me to his house and I met his mom and dad. I had brought some things from ny for them and they were happy about them.

I assumed that eventually he made up a lie about us and the ex was back in the picture since I found out that they had spent new years together at their house. ( he lied to me about it and told me he had spent 1-1 time with his uncle and gone hunting since he hadnt been getting along with his family--I got a phone call from him once at 6 am...im guessing she was a sleep..and after she left. I know now why i would wake up sometimes and find him awake.) I also know that a few other people know that they were engaged after i sent the fb messages, I dont know if his parents knew her as the gf for sure thought.. who knows. Apparently she was about to have his baby once and lost it..and no one found out about it. so anything is possible with these people.