In love with a married woman

LegacyUser

Ok, so there's this woman I've known for about a year and a half now, and I get on well with her. We talk a lot and we seem to share so many interests and we're on the same page in so many ways. Up until a about a month ago, I thought I really liked her, but now I know that I'm in love with her. I don't know what to do. She's a married woman...happily married it seems. She's also 30 years older than me (I'm 25...) That's not an issue for me, but I thought I'd mention it all the same.

My problem is that I really want to tell her how I feel, and I'm losing sleep over this. To make things more difficult, she flirts with me sometimes and I know she likes me (as a friend at least). I don't want to ruin this friendship and make things awkward, but I feel like I'll burst if I don't tell her. How should I deal with this?

ChocolateRamses

You don't do anything. For whatever reason you're infatuated with this married woman who's old enough to be your mother. FLirting with you doesn't mean she sees you as anything other than a friend, particularly given that you're 30 years her junior, it's likely she enjoys flirting with someone so much younger than her, (and more power to her).

But I doubt she'll reciprocate, I think it would be a disastrous mistake to pursue this, she's 30 years your senior, and married, unless she has indicated VERY STRONGLY that she has similar feelings then I think the worst thing you could possibly do is tell her how you feel.

Peggypeg

+1

Totally agree, telling her will only bring tears and embarrassment. I mean come on!! She's happily married 30 years, you don't have a chance for anything except embarrassment with this situation.

LegacyUser

I appreciate any thoughts you all might have, but I'm going to overlook stock phrases like, "old enough to be your mother". And what does you mean, ChocolateRamses, when you say, "For whatever reason you're infatuated with this woman old enough to be your mother"? Who can say why anyone loves anyone else...it just happens. Sounds like thinly veiled disgust.

BTW, when I said she's married, it's her second marriage (got married 10 years ago after being single for 3 years I think..not sure how long she was married before that).

Babooshka

Hi

I often wonder what people like yourself come on to ask. Not meaning any offence by that either. She's 30 years older and you are 25. Logically to me that smells of relationship failure due to lack of common goals and different life experiences. You may want to climb a mountain in 15 yrs time, she will be 70 in 15 years time. So, how long do you want it to last?

Yes it could work too. It's a possibilty. But I doubt it is a probability though due to the age difference. Loads of people will tell you it doesn't matter and love will conquer all etc. etc. if she has feelings for you. I don't hold much sway with that. I'm sure you do have feelings very deep for her, and most likely do love her. Whether she reciprocates is unknown. BUt even if she did, do you think it will all work like a fairytale? Highly unlikely. So no, I wouldn't tell her unless you want to come away hurt and feeling foolish. She is older and more experienced, she may be flattered and she may even share some of your feelings but if, as you say she is so happily married, what do you think she'll do, run off with you to make a new life? Maybe that's not what you wanted to hear at all, but you asked...

PopUp

She isn't flirting with you, OP, not really. I am the same age as you and yeah, guys in their 50s 'flirt' with me - but it's a joke, it's a winking way to complement someone. When a young guy flirts with me, he actually wants to take it further. Older/younger is just a bit of craic.

Please don't take this so seriously. There is no way she's interested in you. She thinks you're very nice but unless she is seriously disturbed (destroying a decade-long marriage for a flirtation with someone at a completely different life stage to her would be lunacy tbh) she is not serious about you in any way.

Get over this the way you get over any crush that's not going anywhere. Avoid her, forget about 'ruining the friendship', it was ruined the second you fell in love with her. And try to get back in the game with someone who might be able to reciprocate.

This is just complete speculation, armchair psychology - I could be totally barking up the wrong tree and if I am I apologise - but have you considered why you have fallen in love with someone so unattainable? Longtime happily married, you could never have kids, the odds of it working longterm are so slim - could this be kind of comforting maybe? Like, there's no risk of an actual long-term commitment so it's safe to just let go and let a crush grow to love?

Sorry if that's completely off-base speculation, no offense meant. Just some food for thought.

Barracudaincork

Louth_n_prouth wrote: »

I appreciate any thoughts you all might have, but I'm going to overlook stock phrases like, "old enough to be your mother". And what does you mean, ChocolateRamses, when you say, "For whatever reason you're infatuated with this woman old enough to be your mother"? Who can say why anyone loves anyone else...it just happens. Sounds like thinly veiled disgust.

BTW, when I said she's married, it's her second marriage (got married 10 years ago after being single for 3 years I think..not sure how long she was married before that).

Chocolateramses said you were infatuated by this woman, not that you loved her. You are right no one can say why someone loves anyone else, but infatuation is easier to pin down. So OP do you love this woman?

I dont know what relevance this being her second marriage makes, can you explain why you added that BTW thought?

seahorse

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I dont know what relevance this being her second marriage makes, can you explain why you added that BTW thought?

Was wondering about this myself.

Clearly the OP is trying to invalidate this womans marriage because it has not spanned the entire adulthood of his object of affection.

OP, cop on. This a married woman and her marriage is none of your business.

LegacyUser

I know he I said was infatuated, and I chose to ignore that assessment. I'm not a teenager, I know what true love is. TBH I think he just read my post and thought 'yuck'. That's the impression I got from the "old enough to be your mother" comment. I hate comments like that, and they are as predictable as night following day.

I spoke about her marriages simply because peggy assumed she was married for 30 years.

I do know that people like to engage in harmless cross-generation flirting, and I believe I know the difference, like when it's meant as something more.

Maybe you are right and I need to get over it. It felt good getting this off my chest anyway. I don't know anyone in 'real' life here who I could talk to about this without them thinking differently of me.

ChocolateRamses

Louth_n_prouth wrote: »

And what does you mean, ChocolateRamses, when you say, "For whatever reason you're infatuated with this woman old enough to be your mother"? Who can say why anyone loves anyone else...it just happens. Sounds like thinly veiled disgust.

First off I don't need to veil anything, if you disgust me I won't be shy about letting you know.

Secondly it's very courageous of you to start alluding to insult when you're posting anonymously, tell me is this the same stalwart courage with which you plan to pursue this relationship?

And finally my point, contrary to your juvenile response, is that a 30-year age gap is an abyss of maturity, and life experience that is very hard to bridge. I'm not saying it's impossible I'm simply observing the fact.

And on foot of your reply I seriously doubt you have anything the kind of maturity required to bridge said gap.

Barracudaincork

Your comment re the 2nd marraige makes sense now, thanks for clearing my query up!

IMO if you love her the way you say you do, you wont want to pull her life apart and make it miserable, you will do the right thing and leave her and her husband alone, as you mentioned you are not a teenager and therefore you can be the adult you say you are, and walk away.

As for the old enough to be your mother comment, i think it may of upset you because it is true, she is old enough to be your Mum and you know that people would either tease you or have an issue with that if you were to get together. You have to know that and deal with that and wont be able to just say oh that comment is as predictible as night following day kinda thing to say your uncle or a friend, its easier to say it here on boards, but in real life its harder.

LegacyUser

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

First off I don't need to veil anything, if you disgust me I won't be shy about letting you know.

Secondly it's very courageous of you to start alluding to insult when you're posting anonymously, tell me is this the same stalwart courage with which you plan to pursue this relationship?

And finally my point, contrary to your juvenile response, is that a 30-year age gap is an abyss of maturity, and life experience that is very hard to bridge. I'm not saying it's impossible I'm simply observing the fact.

And on foot of your reply I seriously doubt you have anything the kind of maturity required to bridge said gap.

Well, Ramses, I sensed some hostility in your first spiky post and now the mask slips entirely as you try and jab at my courage, integrity and maturity. Something about my OP offended you, and since your first reply referred to her age four times and her marriage only once, I think it's clear what your problem is. And please don't pretend that comments about her being old enough to be my mother are meant to be helpful. They are completely redundant and done to death.

@seahorse: Yes, I wish 'copping on' was as easy as snapping one's fingers, but thanks for the advice anyway.

Thanks to all those who gave me calm, well thought-out responses. I do feel like I have a bit more clarity now.

ChocolateRamses

More accurately you want people on here to tell you pursuing this is a great and noble deed which will be remembered in song for generations to come, instead you've been told you need to grow up and stopped deluding yourself about a woman who clearly outstrips you in terms of age, most likely maturity, and is in fact married.

I mean ffs man, she's married, happily married according to you, and you're honestly fool enough to think you have even the remotest chance in hell?

But then I was probably just offended by your OP, even though I have no reason to be offended by an anonymous post about a woman I don't know. Happens all the time...

The reality here OP is that you don't want to hear the truth even when it's based on your own assertions.

theg81der

I don`t know OP. It highly likely she does recipricate your feelings she older she`s not dead, if I was her age and a 25 year old guy was interested in me well..... My mum dated a guy my age a few years ago, didn`t work out nothing to do with the age thou but she was single this lady isn`t.

I`m sure if she was single this would progress but she is, as you put it, happily married. You shouldn`t have even let yourself go there but then its her thats married not you she should have some cop on. You didn`t mention if there are children involved? To me thats would be a huge isssue.

Also do you want children OP? Do you want to grow old with someone? What happens when you are fourty, very young by todays standard, and she is 70 with no interest in sex? It might become a burden at this point and you could have taken away her oppurtunity for someone to grow old with, as I`m sure her current husband is her age? I`m your age and looking at the future possibility of minding in laws and parents as they age wouldn`t be keen to sign myself up to any extra.

LegacyUser

Ramses, what gives you the impression that my motivation for posting was not what I made it appear to be? After all, you admit that you don't know anything about me or the woman in question. I came here to ask for advice on how to deal with my love for a married woman, which is driving me insane, and you say my motivation for posting is in fact to have people tell me that, "pursuing this is a great and noble deed which will be remembered in song for generations to come". Spare me!

Don't you think people come here just to talk to others? Talking makes things easier to cope with, and one might come away with more clarity on the subject. That's what the input of others is good for. And isn't that what this forum is for??

But secondarily, I find the fact that you are more concerned with saying, "You haven't a hope" or summarily assessing that I am "too immature for her" instead of sticking to the issue that was raised, says a lot about you and your motivation for posting on this forum.

The majority have been helpful and have given me a few things to think about. I suppose it's a matter of statistics that every post on PI will get the odd, "Cop on" or "Grow up" style reply.

ChocolateRamses

*le sigh*

You've referenced me saying this woman was "old enough to be your mother", by your own reasoning, did it not occur to you that my choosing those words was simply because they reflected the actual situation?

This person IS old enough to be your mother, I simply observed the fact, and of your own accord you took offence and assumed that comment was a veiled insult. Hence my response.

But let's be clear, I still think you show an incredible lack of maturity, or even clarity in your view of this situation, rather than answer several other very good questions by other posters you're posting on an anonymous account to me because you're reacting to an imagined slight.

None of that sounds like someone with the wherewithal to be thinking about destroying the marriage of a woman 30 years his senior based on a fantasy.

hinault

Louth_n_prouth wrote: »

Ok, so there's this woman I've known for about a year and a half now, and I get on well with her. We talk a lot and we seem to share so many interests and we're on the same page in so many ways. Up until a about a month ago, I thought I really liked her, but now I know that I'm in love with her. I don't know what to do. She's a married woman...happily married it seems. She's also 30 years older than me (I'm 25...) That's not an issue for me, but I thought I'd mention it all the same.

My problem is that I really want to tell her how I feel, and I'm losing sleep over this. To make things more difficult, she flirts with me sometimes and I know she likes me (as a friend at least). I don't want to ruin this friendship and make things awkward, but I feel like I'll burst if I don't tell her. How should I deal with this?

I've read the above posts and your subsequent replies to posters messages.

It's obvious that you're very keen on this lady.
The only real way to know if she is interested in taking it furthe is to engineer a situation where you give her the opportunity to take it further.

If she accepts you know she's interested.
If she doesn't, then no one gets hurt.
And more importantly, you will know where you stand.

LegacyUser

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

*le sigh*

You've referenced me saying this woman was "old enough to be your mother", by your own reasoning, did it not occur to you that my choosing those words was simply because they reflected the actual situation?

This person IS old enough to be your mother, I simply observed the fact, and of your own accord you took offence and assumed that comment was a veiled insult. Hence my response.

Yes...I actually know how old she is. That's how I'm able to tell everyone she's 30 years older than I am. Please don't pretend that the use of that tired old phrase was supposed to be insightful.

But let's be clear, I still think you show an incredible lack of maturity, or even clarity in your view of this situation, rather than answer several other very good questions by other posters you're posting on an anonymous account to me because you're reacting to an imagined slight.

Well then I just hope that one day I'll be as mature as you clearly are.

None of that sounds like someone with the wherewithal to be thinking about destroying the marriage of a woman 30 years his senior based on a fantasy.

See, here you go again. "Destroying the marriage"..."fantasy". These are not the words of someone trying to give reasoned responses. They are your own narrow-minded opinions on both my mental state, and the possible outcome of my telling her how I feel.

ChocolateRamses

Louth_n_prouth wrote: »

See, here you go again. "Destroying the marriage"..."fantasy". These are not the words of someone trying to give reasoned responses. They are your own narrow-minded opinions on both my mental state, and the possible outcome of my telling her how I feel.

Her marriage ending as a result of this is a reality, not a possibility. In order to be with you in any real sense she would have to end her marriage. Fair enough if you disagree with everything I'm saying about your own perspective, but the reality is being with you will end her marriage.

That's a part of your decision that's not subject to debate, just bear it in mind.

theg81der

Hey Op I tried to give you a resonable response and you haven`t even answered me back...

LegacyUser

hinault wrote: »

I've read the above posts and your subsequent replies to posters messages.

It's obvious that you're very keen on this lady.
The only real way to know if she is interested in taking it furthe is to engineer a situation where you give her the opportunity to take it further.

If she accepts you know she's interested.
If she doesn't, then no one gets hurt.
And more importantly, you will know where you stand.

Wise and thoughtful words, hinault, thank you.

LegacyUser

theg81der wrote: »

Hey Op I tried to give you a resonable response and you haven`t even answered me back...

I'm sorry theg81der, I meant to. I got a little distracted. No, I don't want kids, and she never had them herself. Another thing we have in common!

You made a powerful point when you spoke about giving her the opportunity to grow old with someone. My view is that if she is truly happy with her current marriage, then this will come to be. I may find a way of letting her know how I feel (without a teary gut-spilling!) and put the ball in her court. If I don't I'll regret it forever.

Aibreann

She's married, don't interfere between them. I know few cases, everything went so bad for all of them. If she's happy leave her alone if you say you are in love with her.

theg81der

Op if you feel you will really regret it forever then tell her but please think through every serario in your head, I`m concerned you might be sorry in the long run but as for the future well who knows what`ll come tomorrow maybe I`m wrong to even consider it something to worry about. The fact that none of you has kids makes me feel better don`t like kids heads being messed about.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

It seems you are getting very defensive to any poster who is not saying what you want to hear. This would say to me that you're not willing to listen to both sides of the coin and look at this objectively which, if you're serious about this woman you need to do. If your response on boards is to attack posters who don't agree with your situation, just think about what it's gonna be like in real life, your family, friends etc when you tell them about this woman.

I personally think you should let this woman go, why would you break up a marriage between 2 people in their late 50's that are very happy together, that's just cruel in my opinion. You're 25 years old, there's 1000's of women out there and you will meet someone else you fall in love with. Sorry if i'm barking up the wrong tree here, and feel free to tell me it's none of my business but how is your relationship with your own parents?

seahorse

I'll repeat the piece of advice you least want to hear, as you made obvious by ignoring it:

seahorse wrote: »

This a married woman and her marriage is none of your business.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Forget about her mate. Odds are stacked against you.

This flirting - well its most likely just her having a bit of fun.

Maybe she wants a young man with a bit more stamina than her husband but if you're in love with her thats hardly much use to you.

Just stay away, get over her. This can only end in disaster. How many relationships do you see with a 25 year m old and a 55 year old f. (where a passport isn't a goal for the male)

Firetrap

Yep. I can't help but think that you're reading too much into her flirting. Sometimes men and women who are very different in age do flirt in a good-natured sort of way but there's nothing meant by it. It's nice that you are such good friends with her but you need to accept that she is married to someone else. Love her as a friend but take it no further.

Aibreann

A french guys met my married friend of 9 years and after 2 years of chatting and flirting on the net and meeting with work in France few times my friend got divorced.
After one year he moved with her and next year they moved for good to his home, in France. She is pregnant and they are waiting their baby. Sometimes everything happens so soon.

mood

If you care about her you will leave her to enjoy her happy marriage.

I think you should see her less if possible. These feelings will fade given time.

Barracudaincork

Aibreann wrote: »

A french guys met my married friend of 9 years and after 2 years of chatting and flirting on the net and meeting with work in France few times my friend got divorced.
After one year he moved with her and next year they moved for good to his home, in France. She is pregnant and they are waiting their baby. Sometimes everything happens so soon.

That is so sad to hear Aibreann. Was there a 30 year age gap between your friend and her french lover too? Or is it just because your friend was married, had an affair and now is with that person, you are saying this can happen for the OP too?

Aibreann

No, I was saying they were around 30's, the new bf is around middle 20's.
Anyway 9 years were vanished and now she's having his new bf's baby only after 2 years and something ... that sucks. The problem is I am a good friend with her and her ex husband and it hurts now to see him in a very bad mood. She looks very happy, but the ex husband is in a very bad mood, lost his job..I wish I could help him somehow but he refuses to go out anymore.