looking for others experiences

LegacyUser

Hey,

Staying at a hostel abroad, met this guy at a party and got on well, didnt fancy him though the next day he calls to meet up and hang out. We arrange drinks with friends and have a fantastic night. By the end, we're kissing and really getting on well. We meet up the next morning, spend the whole day together and that night we're getting intimate again when he goes quiet. I push him for a reason - and he admits he has a girlfriend in his own country. Right so here's the thing - i got mad, and left but later we talked and I spent the night. He tells me he has a girlfriend the past year, but he's moving to this city for 5 years in April and knows the relationship is over. Turns out, he's had 3 past relationships - his first, the girlfriend cheated on him (tho I think there's more to the story), the second the girl he was dating was in a relationship for 3 out of 6 months they were together so she was cheating with him, but this last relationship both were single.

Now, I know spending the night together after finding out he had a girlfriend wasn't the best form...but I figured since they're breaking up already, and we'd already kissed and hence he'd cheated, at this stage the damage was done.

He's been in touch since and he's coming to live in the same city as me in April = I'd like ppl's advice - does it sound like he's a cheater, should I stay away or is it a case of bad timing?

shellyboo

guest2 wrote: »

He's been in touch since and he's coming to live in the same city as me in April = I'd like ppl's advice - does it sound like he's a cheater, should I stay away or is it a case of bad timing?

Let's see... a guy who thinks it's ok to cheat once HE has decided his current relationship is over, but doesn't have the decency or courtesy to break up with the person he's seeing; instead preferring to keep using them until he moves on to the next willing victim, who he's conveniently already set up in another city.

Sounds like a real gem alright.

krudler

OP not to sound too harsh but i'd wager dollars to donuts you'll be on here in a few months asking for advice after the guy you met abroad who cheated on his girlfriend with you is now cheating on you with someone else, and you didnt see it coming

run, run away and dont like a small mistake turn into a big one

happydayz8

I agree, once a cheater always a cheater. Or how many men/women do you know who only once cheated and never again? But then maybe I'm naive.

mobilecore

Shellyboo nailed it I think.
He said he is moving away so he is using his girlfriend. OP stay away from him. krudler is also right. If you start something with him it will end badly for you.


I've seen it happen before. Once someone is moving away and they are in a relationship - it should be the end of it. What can happen, and whats happened above is, he is moving away so the GF of a year is being pushed aside. But wasnt broken up with. He is thinking that he will never see his gf of 1 year again probably/relationship has no future. Why not play the field. Total example of using someone - "oh they'll do until someone else comes along" - mark my words op you say he isnt moving to your city until April, right? he'll still be with his gf of a year until then or unless someone else comes along that he can use till April.

Stay away. Judge people by their actions. What does his actions tell you?

opinion guy

Quite apart from any of that I would think its quite a bad idea to be getting involved with someone as they are in the process of moving to the area like that. Way I see it one of two things would happen. Either he would overly depend on you for having a social life, getting moved in etc etc etc and suck you into his own little world, OR he would use you for those purposes and then decide he is in a new city and wants to spread his wings and date the locals etc etc. I just don't think its a good thing to move to a new area with - he would be predisposed to being overly dependent on you

LegacyUser

hmmm one thing though to those who say he doesn't have the decency to tell her its broken up - she KNOWS its over, just like him. He's told her of his plans to move abroad, and though of course it makes them both said, she's told him that she's happy for him to move away, that she has her own plans in life and the two dont coincide - is it not a case then of both of them using each other till april? I mean, mobilecore - He's moving away so clearly the relationship is over, and she has told him so too - she has no intention of moving with him and acc to him (ok I know he's spun this to suit himself) she supports this. Over the next few months till he leaves - isnt that just a case of both using each other knowing it'll end by April, if it were you, would you break up with your partner before then or just enjoy the last of it? It seems ppl here are quite black and white - from my experience, in relationships that are not too serious its usually a case of one person using the other for whatever they get from it (companionship/from loneliness/sex).....its rare for ppl to act completely selflessly and for the good of each other

again, shellyboo - I think you're seeing the girl as a victim - 'once HE's decided its over'.....ok its his decision to move, but they've both agreed it's finished once he does move, so I don't see that he's using her any more than she him.... i don't see it as a lack of courtesy to break up with her first since they both know its at its end - if the relationship had no definite break up point in the future I'd completely agree with all posters here that the person should end it first and I'd run a mile if I knew someone was in a relationship and cheated on their partner.......the grey area in this one for me is - is it cheating when both partners are aware that their relationship will be over in 3 months anyway, with no hope for a future together?

Is it really cheating when you've both agreed to end the relationship in a few months anyways? Whilst he claimed he'd tell her and break up with her once back in Mexico - I agree before ppl need to say it that this might be all a lie and has every intention of spending teh next few months enjoying each others company.

I do believe though that the opinions of giving him a chance to settle in are well advised - however, he's quite independant and has decided to move here for his career - once here, he'll be working as a doctor and will be busy with that, and prob will make friends through that too, so I dont think he'll 'depend' on me, rather it'd be nice to have a friend in the city, as I presume everyone would

Bonito

Top notch advice from shellyboo as usual. Op he's doing what I like to call over-lapping his relationships - meaning he's a coward and a cheat. He wont abandon a realtionship unless he has a rope to grab on to when he jumps out of it - you being the rope. Also his stories of past bad relationships might be just sympathy vote hunts to get you with him.

You've also knocked shellyboos advice which is a bit unappreciative in my opinion. His GF is a victim in this. Due to him not ACTUALLY ending their relationship he is leaving her clinging on and preventing her from moving on with her life. He is a selfish man - well man would be a stretch actually - he's a selfish person and so long as he has someone he doesn't care about who he's hurting and leaving behind while running around.

You had the right idea to get angry and leave but then you fell hook line and sinker when you returned and spent the night. You knew about his GF and you should have given him an ultimatum that there would be no more contact between you two until he left his GF so that 1. He was single and 2. She could start to move on with her life.

If you think you're going to be "the one" for him then continue your realtionship with him. Although chances of you ending up hurt are very high. I wouldn't give a person like him the time of day let alone a chance of happiness because that's all he cares about, HIS happiness and so long as HE isn't alone.

mobilecore

Bonito i agree.

OP
you said - "Is it really cheating when you've both agreed to end the relationship in a few months anyways?"
Listen to what you just said. So in what you just said its ok for a person to sleep with others just as long as "ah sure it'll end in few months, whats the harm" .... wow. simply wow.

I dont think what anyone says on this board you will listen to. You seem dead set on defending him. So let that be your choice. Just as said above, if he ends up using you. You saw it coming.

ChocolateRamses

OP unless he's actually sharing a house with this girl, then there's no reason for him not to have broken up with her by now if the relationship is well and truly over, especially if they both know it.

I mean why would he be staying in a relaionship that both parties know is over?

LegacyUser

From a male perspective...

Don't go near him. It seems he is perfectly happy to make his own rules regarding relationships. He has views that the DI would not necessarily agree with.

As another poster said, don't let a small mistake turn into a big problem. Nip it in the bud now.

Take confidence in knowing that he obviously likes you to some degree, but leave it at that!

D.I. Magnum