Should i resign myself to the single life?

callie35

I'm sick and tired of being told 'you'll meet someone soon'...'he'll arrive when you're not looking for him'...'there's someone for everyone'...

Well what if that's not so? Every day elderly people die and there, in bold print on their death certificate, is 'Never Married'.

Perhaps there isn't 'someone for everyone'. We're all different with different plans laid out for us so perhaps i should give up this futile search, that there is indeed absolutely nobody on this earth that i'm compatible with.

Maybe if i could accept this idea i could move on and focus on other areas of my life, not be so self-conscious, afraid to make conversations/eye contact. I'd relax mentally, safe in the knowledge that i'll never have my heart broken again, never have that pain in my chest when i find out he's cheated again. Nor the fear of being five mins late and having his temper unleash. Or working hard to achieve a goal only to have him blow open our bank account.

Hmmmm.....but this dam heart of mine pines for cuddles....

Has anyone here managed to accept that they're doomed if you like to a life of sprawling in a double bed alone every night? Does it feel good to have that peace of mind?

littlefriend

I'm not sure if you are serious but anyway if you are it sounds like you are looking for somebody to fix you. That will never work. Forget the drama and start working on liking yourself. Seriously, the most worthwhile thing you will ever do!

LegacyUser

callie35 wrote: »

Nor the fear of being five mins late and having his temper unleash.

Anyone who treats you like that is not worth knowing. You seem to have self esteem issues if you would allow someone to treat you like that

anucksunamun

littlefriend wrote: »

I'm not sure if you are serious but anyway if you are it sounds like you are looking for somebody to fix you. That will never work. Forget the drama and start working on liking yourself. Seriously, the most worthwhile thing you will ever do!

I absolutely agree, and to be perfectly honest with you here.. by wanting this 'preordained and perfect' relationship you may be coming across badly to potential partners, stop stressing about meeting someone.. if its going to happen it will.. if its not.. it wont.. but worrying about it will never affect the outcome!

Ok, I love cuddles too, they are wonderful.. but consider this op.. when I was single and missed hugs I'd hug all my friends more.. lol.. maybe a little wierd.. but they all love hugs too or why dont you get yourself a dog or a cat, maybe by seeing their open and absolute love for you.. you might realise you are worthy of love from any species!

Please remember op you have just as much right as anyone to be happy, to get what you want out of life.. you may find that once you start to work on making yourself happy.. perhaps by making new friends, taking up new hobbies, visiting a therapist, volunteering etc etc etc.. you will find you are perfectly happy just you, all by yourself.. and you need no-one except you!

I hope whatever happens you are happy soon Callie. x.

callie35

Thanks for all the advice guys but i've done all this! I have 15 pets no less, great friends who i hug all the time, i'm working, studying, volunteer, work placement, active in the gym. I socialise in lots of other ways too. But at the end of the day i come home alone. I just want to know at what point does one give up and resign that this is how it's gonna be?

Herbal Deity

What age are you OP?

If you're not in your 60s/70s, then I'm sorry to be harsh, but stop feeling sorry for yourself.

There are no "plans laid out" for anyone. You make your own destiny. Carpe Diem and all that jazz.

Yes, we all, at different points in our lives, feel like we're never going to meet anyone, but the quicker you can move on from this negative thinking, the happier you'll be and the more likely you'll be to actually meet someone you like.

LegacyUser

Herbal Deity wrote: »

If you're not in your 60s/70s, then I'm sorry to be harsh, but stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I agree with Herbal. I am single for almost a year after a long term relationship. I hope I meet someone else special someday, but I am not going to take a whip to myself and make myself believe it will never happen. I am in my 30s. The way I see it is that on average ive another 40+ years to live. The chances of me meeting someone else in that time, plus the number of males on the planet makes it a big chance. But I am not going to get up every morning and think like you.

Sometimes I get lonely, sometimes I would love a cuddle. Sometimes I miss all those things that (good) relationships have to offer, but I get over it and think positively. Only there at the weekend, my sister (who married young) said to me how lucky I was - the grass is always greener I guess.

The only thing I know about life is that you never know what is going to happen - you really dont.

littlefriend

callie35 wrote: »

move on and focus on other areas of my life, not be so self-conscious, afraid to make conversations/eye contact. I'd relax mentally, safe in the knowledge that i'll never have my heart broken again, never have that pain in my chest when i find out he's cheated again. Nor the fear of being five mins late and having his temper unleash. Or working hard to achieve a goal only to have him blow open our bank account.

On balance do you not think that doing the above ^^^^^^ would be more beneficial to you than a few cuddles?

If you truly are looking for real love then fix yourself first. Learn to have enough self respect NEVER to get involved with somebody who would cheat, make you afraid of being 5 minutes late, spend all of your money etc. If you developed yourself to that point then chances are that you will attract the right sort of relationship which is more about love than just not wanting to be single.

Seriously, think about this or you will always have crap, unhealthy relationships.

anucksunamun

callie35 wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice guys but i've done all this! I have 15 pets no less, great friends who i hug all the time, i'm working, studying, volunteer, work placement, active in the gym. I socialise in lots of other ways too. But at the end of the day i come home alone. I just want to know at what point does one give up and resign that this is how it's gonna be?

Thats great OP, I'm glad your on that track, but I think the single most important thing I recommended was to speak to a therapist, perhaps this could make you see why you have chosen up to now, unsuitable and pretty awful (sorry, that sucks btw) men. I really think you need to take the focus off will I ever.. or when will hope die.. and try to make better decisions day-to-day.

Ok, no guts, no glory... :eek: ... I gave up, absolutely.. I decided I was extremely happy to be known as the cat lady.. at the ripe old age of 24 :rolleyes: I truly believed every person on this earth was horrible and not worth my interest (badly, badly hurt by ex and miscarriage ) I was bitter and my view of the world was so warped, the advice I gave you is what I did.. I was deep in a hole of self delusion believing I would never meet anyone worth risking being hurt..

So I worked on myself, on making myself happy, on being kind to myself for once.. not over thinking everything.. filling my days with things I enjoyed.. And I realised, I dont need anyone else but me.. I am my own best friend.. I can give myself some slack sometimes.. the earth wont spin off its axis!! It didnt matter if I met anyone, I always had me!

And then I met someone, :eek: he tells me everyday how much he loves how positive I always am, he even jokes if my house exploded and i was on fire I'd still say, ' ah shur, it could always be worse' cause I learned things only matter if you let them matter.. if you move on.. they have no power over you.. you have your whole life ahead of you to learn this lesson too I think the vibe I had been giving out had changed, and I hope you have a similar outcome in the end..

callie35

anck su namun wrote: »

I absolutely agree, and to be perfectly honest with you here.. by wanting this 'preordained and perfect' relationship you may be coming across badly to potential partners, stop stressing about meeting someone.. if its going to happen it will.. if its not.. it wont.. but worrying about it will never affect the outcome!


At what point did i mention wanting a 'preordained and perfect' relationship??

anucksunamun

callie35 wrote: »

I'm sick and tired of being told 'you'll meet someone soon'...'he'll arrive when you're not looking for him'...'there's someone for everyone'...

Perhaps there isn't 'someone for everyone'

I assumed from these comments that was what you were saying.

LegacyUser

anck su namun wrote: »

I gave up, absolutely.. I decided I was extremely happy to be known as the cat lady.. at the ripe old age of 24 :rolleyes: I truly believed every person on this earth was horrible and not worth my interest (badly, badly hurt by ex and miscarriage ) I was bitter and my view of the world was so warped, the advice I gave you is what I did.. I was deep in a hole of self delusion believing I would never meet anyone worth risking being hurt..

So I worked on myself, on making myself happy, on being kind to myself for once.. not over thinking everything.. filling my days with things I enjoyed.. And I realised, I dont need anyone else but me.. I am my own best friend.. I can give myself some slack sometimes.. the earth wont spin off its axis!! It didnt matter if I met anyone, I always had me!

And then I met someone, :eek: he tells me everyday how much he loves how positive I always am, he even jokes if my house exploded and i was on fire I'd still say, ' ah shur, it could always be worse' cause I learned things only matter if you let them matter.. if you move on.. they have no power over you.. you have your whole life ahead of you to learn this lesson too I think the vibe I had been giving out had changed, and I hope you have a similar outcome in the end..

The above advice is what you need to listen to Callie. I've started threads in this forum about the very same problem, and nothing has changed for me. I'm 24, female, eternally single, and have everything going for me, everything to offer. I'm sure you know the same about yourself.

The thing is, I've recently being realising, (and the above post has actually made me cry) I don't really like myself all that much. For whatever reason, or multitude of reasons, I've decided that I'm not 'good enough', or simply not 'enough', or 'worthy' of anyone special, so that metaphorical door is permanently jammed shut.

This is key. I don't feel capable of true happiness on my own; a relationship would be filling a void in me. I'm not my own best friend; in fact - often I'm my own worst enemy, my own worst critic, and I stress about virtually everything. Maybe you feel the same?

I feel as though I have a mountain to climb in terms of changing this thought/behaviour pattern, but you know, I'm not a religious person, or even that spiritual, but maybe that's what this perpetual singledom is all about. Maybe it's about learning to be on your own; learning to truly, completely, unconditionally love yourself.

Best of luck; you'll get through this. So will I! :-)