Disheartened after chat with BIL

kizzabel

Hi all,

myself and DP got engaged at Christmas and have pretty much decided on an April 2013 wedding as we will then be finnancially able to have the day we would like.

we dont want a huge fairytale wedding although it will be big (both families have 6 kids including ourselves with a combined total of 30 odd nieces and nephews and 20 total aunts and uncles) but we do want a nice day that includes my home church, a nice meal in a hotel and good fun for all.

We are fairly tight moneywise but with lots of saving and a little sacrifice we will have a nice day that is neither too modest or over the top. We are hoping to save as much money as possible on wedding expenditure by going about things differently and asking for help and favours from close ones.

My DPs brother has just thrown the cat amongst the pidgeons by saying he thinks we're crazy spending 10k/12k on a wedding, that im only a snob, why we couldnt just go to a pub afterwards and to tramore on honeymoon like them, why dont we forget about grooms suit, me buy a dress that isnt a wedding dress, get married at 5pm so we dont have to feed people a big dinner etc etc... I just didnt get a chance to respond or try to explain.

Ok (im in fear of sounding snobby) but their reception was in a dog rough pub where the rougher people in the town (and almost every big town has one pub like this) go to drink and we just couldnt do that. We have an ideal in our heads, which isnt opulence and decadence but just something nice and a bit more formal then our day to day life.

I can see the point in that we have our own house and 2 children and so money could be put to work differently but we want an enjoyable, relaxing day for our family and friends to come together to celebrate with us.

Hes left me feeling hurt, upset, selfish and like I would nearly rather elope, he also made me feel like its just a piece of paper and why put any special emphasis on it....

I supose what I want advice on is how to handle this situation, how to answer when people start taking apart our opinion, im sure it wont be the last time in the planning process that theres a difference of opinion... I dont want to crumble at the first fence

Toots

Since I've gotten engaged and started planning weddings, I've found that everyone has their opinion on how things should be done, both those who've been married and those who haven't. Obviously they all think their way is best, and some of them are like your brother in law and are very insistent that their idea is best, and any other idea is rubbish.

Initially people like this really bothered me, I nearly felt like I had to justify why we're doing things the way we are doing them. However, the best thing I've found is to listen to their ideas, smile and nod etc, sometimes say something like 'oh that's a nice idea, we might do that!', then totally disregard the ideas . It's your day, you only get to do it once, so do it your way. If your BIL keeps getting up in your face calling you a snob, then you need to politely but firmly explain to him that it is not his wedding, and you will be doing it the way you and your fiance both want to. Make sure your fiance backs you up on this. If your BIL keeps it up, he should also take him aside for a little man to man chat to let him know his behaviour is not acceptable.

kizzabel

thanks toots
what i found strange about this chat was that he ended up gettin quite aggressive and forceful.
it nearly felt like he wanted us to change our plans because he would feel uncomfortable having to dress up!
im just frustrated over it now (i know everyone will say take no notice but it kind of knocked me for six)

aviendha

the bare faced neck of him!!! to be honest, with the high level of aggression, it almost sounds like he didn't enjoy the way his own one was done, and fears that your more traditional wedding will almost "show up" his own, so by insisting you have the same type of wedding, this will reinforce how "right" he was the first time...hope that makes sense!

Unless he's funding the whole operation, it's absolutely none of his business how much the wedding is going to cost.

I'm with Toots.. nod and smile, and "yes, we'll certainly think about it"... "oh we're still just thinking, nothing definite - sure it's miles away yet" while all the time planning and booking it exactly as you like it YOUR DAY = YOUR WAY!!

I find the less I tell people, the less opinions/suggestions I have to listen to, so definitely, less is more! Best of luck, don't let his interference get you down, you've a wedding to look forward to

Toots

It sounds to me like there's a touch of jealousy there TBH. I agree with aviendha, he's probably afraid that your wedding is going to be 'better' than his. Definitely just keep ploughing away with your own plans and don't discuss it, or if you're really pressed, just give suitably vague answers. When we were planning our wedding, my OH's sister was planning hers also, and she started to copy a few of our ideas (at one point she was considering booking the same venue as us, same cake, same colours for the bridesmaids), so we just kept things to ourselves, and gave vague answers.

blue_morpho

Hi, we are getting married soon ourselves, and its true, everyone has an opinion! You should just do exactly whats right for yourselves and not worry about what anyone thinks, I can guarantee that no matter what you do somebody will view it negatively :rolleyes:

I think your FBIL is acting so forcefully because he is a little insecure about what his own choices were and if you were to do the same as him or similar then it would "validate" his own choice of wedding, nobody who is secure in themselves feels the need to belittle others in the way you describe above. Just smile and nod as others have said, and then do what you want

BronsonTB

It's YOUR wedding not His....

Do what you would like, suit YOU not what others want....

Saruman

It is your wedding so do what you like, just do it within your means. If you can afford to spend that much on a wedding then do so.

Personally I could never condone spending that much but I got married much more cheaply. Well sort of twice.

Once for real in Vegas. Had a nice ceremony, no stupid vegas crap. Wife is American so most of her family was there and most of my closest family made it.

Then back home we had a blessing ceremony which was the same as a wedding but without the actual wedding vows as we were already married. This was for family and friends that could not make it to the US.

I am not sure how much it cost (Irish one) as my parents took care of it but since they would not have had a lot of money I am betting it was very cheap.

After the church it was off to a local tennis club where we had the whole hall etc. It was very nice, we had a lot of fun and I doubt it cost more than a grand though I could be wrong.

You do what you want but keep an eye out for bargains. There are hotels out there that do not charge for corkage any more so get your own wine.
Hell make your own wine and beer. It is a brilliant hobby and you will get excellent results as good and often better than commercial products.

antiskeptic

kizzabel wrote: »

My DPs brother has just thrown the cat amongst the pidgeons by saying he thinks we're crazy spending 10k/12k on a wedding,

Out of interest, what kind of car has your brother-in-law to be got. And what year is it? I'm one that doesn't see a whole lot of sense in forking out piles of money on an up to date car when you can find something perfectly servicable for a fraction of the cost.

that im only a snob, why we couldnt just go to a pub afterwards and to tramore on honeymoon like them, why dont we forget about grooms suit, me buy a dress that isnt a wedding dress, get married at 5pm so we dont have to feed people a big dinner etc etc... I just didnt get a chance to respond or try to explain.

Whilst understanding someone not seeing the sense in paying 12k for a wedding, there is nothing particularily unusual or obscene about spending a bit more on a wedding than the minimum possible.

For us, our wedding was an important and joyful event in our lives - which we wanted to mark and celebrate as important, joyful and special to us. And one of the ways mankind has devised for doing that (whether it's a wedding or a Cornation or a funeral or a Presidential Inaugerations) is to expend that which mankind finds valuable (money) on it. In other words, by sacrificing one thing considered valuable (money) on something, you go to indicate the importance and value you attach to that which you are sacrificing it on.

Similarily, guests taking trouble over your day: hair, clothes, time off work, etc. permits them to tell you the importance they attach to your day.

You can't really mark and celebrate something considered absolutely special by doing something absolutely ordinary - the two terms, special/ordinary, are contradictory terms. This is not to say that money is the only way in which a wedding day can be made special. It could be that time/effort/consideration/thought are put into it instead of/in addition to money which also goes to show the importance attached to the occasion. But ordinary in effort/money can only ever be ordinary.

If someone wants to mark their wedding day with a session down the pub with sambos served then that is their affair. It does, I think, indicate the level of specialness they attach to the event. And the specialnes others can attach to the event.

Whilst that is their affair too, it just not need be everyone elses. That, I think, might form the basis of your response to criticism in that regard.

tinkerbell

The next time your BIL tells you this crap, then tell him to F off and mind his own business. How dare he speak to you that way! He sounds like a jealous git and just wants to make you feel guilty about planning your dream wedding because he had such a crap one himself.

He cannot tell you what to do. Have you told your fiance about how he spoke to you? I wouldn't even bother doing the whole "smile and nod" when he tells you what to do, just say it straight out that you're not interested in planning a wedding the way he wants it, it's you and your fiance's day, not his, and to back off. He has no right to speak to you that way and there is no way that you should just smile and put up with that crap.

Oh and €10k / €12k is not that obscene to spend on a wedding if you can afford it. It's your money, you spend it how you like and don't be letting idiots like your BIL make you feel bad about it.

kizzabel

another bil and sil that were there for his little rant have since come back and said that he was a bit harsh (yaaay for the back up )

just back from the wedding fair and am bowled over at how wrong i was with my rough budget breakdown, we can make loads more savings then we thought without sacrificing our ideal day...

which we've ultimately decided to do our way and fe*k any nay-sayers

have the rescue remedy at the ready for any more rants/unsolicited advice that come our way.
thanks for the advice lads

BTW that would be a 99 mitsubishi space star

whatdoicare

My FSIL was just like that with her "That's so materialistic" and blah blah blah "We're doing a small wedding no frills, why can't you?" We ignored her and are planning a really fantastic day, now, all of a sudden her wedding plans totally changed and she's doing something equally as materialistic and spectacular.

It's obvious now that she was just jealous of our plans and changed her tune once her htb changed their budget.

It's also obvious that, like other posters said, he's just afraid he'll be shown up by yr wedding and maybe his wife wont be too happy with him because of it.

John Mason

just ignore him.

its your day, you do what you want.

yes, i personally agree with him but thats my opinion and that doesnt count, the only opinino that counts is yours and your husband to be.

so feck them all and do what you want, if he isnt happy dont invite him

r3nu4l

It's your day, most people only do it once, so do what you want to do with it (within reason...try not to get into debt for the day!).

Perhaps he feels that a bigger wedding will mean he has to fork out more on a present for you guys? Maybe he's worried about buying a suit he'll only wear once etc? Or maybe he's just a begrudger who feels that you'll both be showing him up. Who knows?

Either way, you need to talk with your fiancé and ask his opinion. There's nothing wrong with having the day you want and making it a special day to remember.

If your BIL was happy to go to a pub afterwards then that's fine for him. I've no problem with that. For me my wedding was a special day and it was brilliant to make it a bit more than just 'another night in the pub', that's why we had a proper reception.

Flump

we're getting married this summer and same as the other posters have said - everyone has an opinion.
my FMIL is helping us out alot with the cost of the wedding and in fairness to her, she's one of few that hasn't been giving opinions.
when we first started planning, i was all chat about what we were thinking about, and the costs which obviously feeds comments. now when i'm asked how the planning is going the response is always - yeah fine. you don't have to tell them, even your future in laws what you're planning. i don't even tell my family what exactly things are costing, it's no ones business but yours.
Don't let your FBIL spoil the excitement of planning your wedding, whether you feel it's out of jealousy or just just plain ignorance, this is your day, not his.
all the best with the planning, it's a very exciting time!
Congrats too on the engagement!!

mand26

OMG don't mind him, it is your (and your fiance's!) day, you obviously have a nice life and family together but if marriage and the wedding is important to you pair, that is all that matters, you aren't getting into dept to have a crazy extravagant day, you are being very responsible and planning and saving for a date in the future that suits you, if it was only the paper that mattered to you, you could do it sooner but its more important to you, which is lovely, i know its easier said than done, but you really have to be a bit selfish about your wedding. Everyone else will forget what actually happened on the day except you and your husband to be, so dont mind anyone elses opinions, you dont tell them how to spend their money, you deserve to have the day of your dreams and to be a princess for the day, so i say smile and nod to keep the peace but just do what you want, keep the details to yourself, and enjoy every minute, its a one in a lifetime thing (hopefully!!) so really plan your dream day, big or small and ignore any begrudgers, i really hope it works out for you

kizzabel

thanks a mil, your pep talk did me the world of good
theres been no remarks since thank god. still havent set a date so i think as we've not been in the depth of discussing it we've not gotten any feedback since! gong to make the big decisions over the summer so i wont be off on a rant for another while methinks! so long as we have a nice enjoyable day surrounded by our loved ones we're happy. f€ck the nay sayers!!

shortstuff

Congrats on the engagement first of all, I like the rest of the posters here agree with the fact that it's your day and you should spend as little or as much as both you and your HTB decide. Once you enjoy yourselves and are happy out with your preprations and your day thats all that matters. You did mention that after going to the wedding fairs that you found some things won't be as expensive as you though, on that note there is a sticky in this forum about planning a wedding on a budget, and there are some great tips and links to professional band's/dj's and other wedding extras that might help you save a bit and cut on costs too.
hope this helps a bit.
Don't let your FBIL get to you, what ever reason he has a problem with your plans is his own and not yours he has no right to be putting his onto you so dont' let him.
p.s. i am in no way affilated with any of them, i've just been having alook around this forum as i'm helping one of my best friends plan her wedding as well.

shapez

There will always be some people who will want to voice their opinions and tell you what type of wedding you should or shouldn't have. When I was planning our wedding I always kept this in the back of my mind....

"Those who matter, don't mind and those who mind, don't matter."

SeekUp

aviendha wrote: »

I find the less I tell people, the less opinions/suggestions I have to listen to, so definitely, less is more! Best of luck, don't let his interference get you down, you've a wedding to look forward to

+100.

And as you said, you've already found out ways that you can save money on the affair. Just be smart about things; keep elements that are really important to the two of you, and do away with the rest. Try not to stress about the little stuff and/or the people who will question every one of your choices and decisions if they get the chance. It'll work out!