Children of Alcoholics

Kimia

Hi all

I'm not going to bother going unregged for this as there's enough stigma attached to alcoholism but i am a child of an alcoholic and just coming to terms with what it means for me and the person that i am today.

I have learned that i feel unbelievable guilt about my father - it's hard to describe but i constantly feel like i should be doing more if that makes sense. I also have entered the 'anger' stage and feel like I never want to speak to him again, even though we don't have a volatile relationship. I suppose I keep the peace by constantly seeking his approval for some strange reason.

I suppose I'm just asking what are everyone's elses thoughts? The guilt is probably the hardest thing to try and overcome, maybe because I don't know why I feel guilty.

Hi Kimia, your guilt and anger are very natural. It's what you're conditioned to do.

One thing I've learned is that there is a big difference between feeling guilty and being guilty, and when I look at the situation and decide which applies to me, I can usually let myself off the hook.

I am an adult child of alcoholics and it was a very confusing time for me when I began to really examine myself and the role i had within my family of origin.
I don't know how old you are or where you live but I would really encourage you to make contact with the Hanly Centre in Dun Laoire. People from all over the country attend their ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) courses, which can last from between 10 weeks and 40 weeks, with progression through various levels etc...

I have to say, that the 3 years I attended there, one evening per week, in the early to mid '90's has been the best thing I have ever done for myself, my relationships with my husband and children, and with my parents.

For now, just know that you are not responsible for your parents and that 'you can't change the wind but you can adjust your sails'. (that's a quote i picked up along the road to recovery that still helps me almost every day). all the best on your journey x

LegacyUser

Alcoholics are always viewed as victims.

They can behave selfishly and blame the booze. They can be abusive and violent and blame the booze. They can let people down.. they can make people bend over backwards and jump through hoops.. and if you get angry with them you end up feeling guilty. When things are going well they might be the happiest people in the world, and the first hitch they hit they fall off the wagon.

People who don't drink can have problems coping too, but its alcoholics who make sure that everyone knows they have problems. Some even use alcohol to manipulate.. after a row they'll down some whiskey just so they can say "you reduced me to this.." all of a sudden they're the victim rather than the perpetrator.

My brother (who caused me a lot of problems) got drunk after a few rows and would say "no one in this house cares about me" or "i'm going to end up like my uncle (who lived as an alcoholic and died aged 49.)" Suddenly I felt so much guilt and wanted to help him. Now I'm not saying my brother is an alcoholic.. I'm just saying how a manipulative person will use any means to tug at someone's heartstrings or play the victim.

In my opinion you need to take care of yourself first. You have nothing to feel guilty about because you are the real victim. Help your father if you can and feel good for the help you are giving him but don't let him drag you down. The 7 stages or whatever you call them... anger, guilt, etc... that's for him to feel!

If he is no longer having such problems with alcohol and you just have problems forgiving him for a turbulent childhood... maybe it's time for you to move on. You might feel anger and guilt towards him (or his alcoholism) but it he's not a big a part of your life any more there's no reason you should dwell in the past.

iguana2005

hi there..

Adult of alcoholic parents too..from 0-18 suffered horendous anxiety and panic attacks from 19-21 hit rock bottom with depression and anxiety and eating disorders from then on reailzed that all that unspoken word and tension in the house was eating me(+ siblings)..thankfully I started to travel which was my god send and best thing for really understaning oneself and openings to new horizons...

Being 36 now am honestly only getting my head around it.feelings include..sadness- that i felt i missed out when young...guilt that my parents are still suffering today who ontop of alcoholism are dealing with old age and non too happy about it..jelous of my friends whose familes are happy and close..am insecure...highly sensitive...cant settle down...

But all in all its a learning experience...another point is I find im attracted to 'different' personal relationships....even though my good friends are very down to earth im drawn to hell raisers, homeless, alcoholics...people i meet who come from nice family home and who are very together..I truly dont get them and find them boring and empty...

Went to one or two Al Anon meetings..depends on the crowd...i hated it...I read up on lots of books and go see councellors when needs be...

Victor

Are you getting any support? There are organisations like Al-Anon http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

http://www.google.ie/#hl=en&safe=off&q=families+of+alcoholics+support+groups&meta=cr%3DcountryIE&aq=f&oq=families+of+alcoholics+support+groups&fp=9d50ef394770f7f3

Kimia

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have gone to one Al Anon meeting and fled the place afterwards because I burst into floods of tears. It was the absolute despair of some people there that really got to me, one guy was at his literal wits end and I found it very hard to be around that kind of emotion I suppose. So I haven't gone back. Also I found that there were many wives/husbands of alcoholics but no children so I couldn't relate as well.

I'm reading lots of books on it at the moment and I am thinking about the Hanly Centre (thanks Susie). It sounds perfect for me and I would be very much able for one night a week. Do you have any idea how much it costs?

It's so helpful to hear other people's experiences too, makes me feel more 'normal' which is something I never felt as a child. I always felt like there were 2 mes if that makes sense - the inside one and the outside one. On the surface I am an achiever - a perfectionist - I've a good job and I'm good at it - and i pretty much suceed at whatever I set out to do, probably because if I decide something I am relentless and god help who sits in my path.

I'm also ridiculously soft underneath it all and get terribly hurt if someone upsets me or hurts me in some way - overly so. I have a great support system - great friends and a loving boyfriend - so I'm lucky.

I just want to connect with people I suppose. People like me. None of my friends went through this so I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. My sister won't discuss it at all, she doesn't deny it happens but she is not ready to go there yet and I won't push her. So I've noone else to share what it actually feels like with.

Please keep posting your experiences - perhaps it'll help you too. x

Victor

Kimia wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have gone to one Al Anon meeting and fled the place afterwards because I burst into floods of tears. It was the absolute despair of some people there that really got to me, one guy was at his literal wits end and I found it very hard to be around that kind of emotion I suppose. So I haven't gone back. Also I found that there were many wives/husbands of alcoholics but no children so I couldn't relate as well.

Before next time, do you want to talk to one of the counsellors to see if there is a particular meeting that focuses on children of alcoholics? Do you want to bring someone with you so that you have some support?

Kimia

Thanks Victor. I'm not sure about bringing someone as support because it's strictly confidential but maybe that's something to look into. I'm also going to investigate the Hanly centre as per Susie's suggestion as it sounds great.

Thanks again everyone for the replies. I know there are many of us out there, way more than you'd think, and I have a feeling that there are many of you reading this and maybe not in a position to reply so I hope that this thread helps you too - don't be ashamed as this is not our fault!

hitlersson666

Hi,
im 15 and my mother is a alcoholic. it has destroyed my life as well as hers sense i was 9 i was placed in a residential home for childere and sense then i've been through all coners off the system! i hope to move home soon as things seem ok but i never know what will happen! over it i hate foster care as it's depressing and makes me feel insecure and i used to self harm and cry myself to sleep. now lately i have been thinking of sucide as i see no hope for my future
why stay in a situtation i have no control in??
why stay under the control off others who get a kick out of it????
theres no support offered as well as alateen is not in cork! :mad::mad:
alchol has f ucked up my life

even more fucked up sometimes when im a home at the weekend i go drinking with my friends aware of what this could lead up to!
but its ireland theres no escape from alcohol!!!
over and out ,
Patrick

tenchi-fan

Hi Patrick
I think the trick is to take control. When you have no role models it's hard to see how your life can take any shape.. like what sort of job you would enjoy, or what sort of person you will have a relationship. Drink just tends to just multiply your feelings of doubt.

I think you need to acknowledge to yourself that you have a lot of potential.

hitlersson666

i dont im a cnut who everyone hates even people on boards hate me... theres something like wrong with me and i blame it on my mother

tenchi-fan

Im 28 and I blame my dad for everything that's wrong with me! He wasn't an alco but he could be a c*** and a complete control freak too, made my life a misery.
Any time i'm talking about him I still get angry but at the end of the day I'm an adult and i just have to get over it. I actually get on with him better now that I just look at him as an idiot that I dont need to have anything to do with.

You're 15 so you have plenty of time to figure it out.. you can blame your mam but it won't do any good.

Are you still in foster care. what are your foster parents like.

hitlersson666

its a residintal care home so there's 22 ''foster parents'' its living hell

tenchi-fan

that sounds like hell alright! i can imagine a real us vs them feeling.

am i bovvered

Hi OP,
Hopefully I can give you the chink of light you might need.... everyones story is different with some awful tales, mine include a dad who was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and early adulthood.
The whole family lived IN his drink problem, that is the best way I can describe it.
My Mum passed away in '94 and over the next few years he went from bad to worse.
I just don't want to go into all the incidents and all the attempts to help him. The last straw was when he left our home town, leaving over 20k in debt (gambler as well) in my name, at the time I was 25 just 1 year married with a 3 year old son and 1 year old daughter.
However in lots of ways it was a relief, I was able to let go and after the initial anger died down I realised everyone must be reponsible for their own actions disease or not and I would do no more to help him. I got on with my life and wished him well but would have no contact.

We had no contact for ten years and from what he has now revealed things got a lot worse for him, including a suicide attempt.

Today we chat on the phone about every 2 weeks, meet up 3 or 4 times a year, he is a pleasant person to be with. He is "off" the drink for 2 years now and goes to AA and GA every week. He has re-married to a lovely woman and my children, esp my daughter now 11, adores him. He has a lot of regrets about his whole life, but at least he now has some pride in himself. He knows what he has lost and doesn't need anyone rubbing it.

My advice for what it is worth is to try your best to help, but not at the expense of destroying you. Allow your Dad to go on his own life journey and accept the consequences of that journey be them good or bad. I was sure my Dads journey was going to end in a very bad way....... now there is a lot of hope.

For the other posters, its very easy to use the crutch of a dysfunctional parent as a reason for your own bad decisions however everyone eventually has to take responsibilty for their own mistakes. Be the Man your parent was unable to be.


Good Luck x

G86

hitlersson666 wrote: »

Hi,
im 15 and my mother is a alcoholic. it has destroyed my life as well as hers sense i was 9 i was placed in a residential home for childere and sense then i've been through all coners off the system! i hope to move home soon as things seem ok but i never know what will happen! over it i hate foster care as it's depressing and makes me feel insecure and i used to self harm and cry myself to sleep. now lately i have been thinking of sucide as i see no hope for my future
why stay in a situtation i have no control in??
why stay under the control off others who get a kick out of it????
theres no support offered as well as alateen is not in cork! :mad::mad:
alchol has f ucked up my life

even more fucked up sometimes when im a home at the weekend i go drinking with my friends aware of what this could lead up to!
but its ireland theres no escape from alcohol!!!
over and out ,
Patrick

Listen Patrick, you've 3 more years, and then you're free to do as you will - so the best thing you can do for now is ride it out. I really do get how helpless you're feeling, but there's lots you can do now to help yourself in the future! When I was 15 I spent my time figuring out what I wanted to do when I was older, then I made a plan of how I was going to get there on my own - because like you I couldn't really depend on anyone but myself. Once I had that plan and that end goal in my mind it made it so much easier to get through all the bad times, because I knew that it was my life and I'd taken responsibility for it and I knew where I wanted to be.

Your mother may have messed up her own life, but you still have yours to live, you're only 15 - there's so so much out there for you to do and see. Have you ever thought about travelling? You could easily start saving now, try and get a part time job or something maybe? Or college? Now's the time to get your head down and do your best so that you get the course you want.

You're a strong person, remember that, it's not easy growing up second place to a beer bottle - but you've got this far and you'll get the rest of the way too.

hitlersson666

i suppose maybe things will look up and yes to the last poster there is a huge them v's us feeling but they pretend theres not

LegacyUser

How to spot an alcoholic

It’s very easy to spot an alcoholic. They usually have a drink in their hand. They usually speak **** and act like they know what they are talking about, even when they are clearly slurring and falling over drunk. They always prioritise alcohol over everything else, for example: When out shopping, alcohol is at the top of the list, or is the reason why the shopping is occurring.

More ways to spot one:

Usually drinking alone
Usually drinking alone in the dark
Usually bases their social gathering around whether or not they can have a drink or not
Usually drinking during the week for no good reason.
Still drinking when everyone else has gone home
Drinking 10 times the average amount
Literally always drinking
Calls themselves a party person

Typical excuses for drinking

An alcoholic will always try to justify his/her alcoholism. Most likely they will find even the silliest reasons to drink.

I got paid so now I’m drinking
I got a bad email or someone said something that I didn’t like
I fell and scraped my knee, now I need a drink
It’s the same month as Christmas
I’ve nothing else to do
I’m bored
I was supposed to go out but my friend pulled out so now I’m drinking
It’s after 6 o’clock
Its summer or any similar seasonal excuse
I found money
I won money
I had a bit of good luck
I had a bit of bad luck
It helps me think
It helps me do stuff in general
I don’t get aggressive when I’m drinking
I have more fun when I’m drinking





Typical answers when confronted

I know what I’m doing
I know when to stop
I can control it
I have it under control
I’m not an alcoholic
I just like the taste
I don’t drink that much
I only drink when I’m upset
I only drink when I’m happy
It’s not a big deal
I don’t care
It’s none of your business

In my personal opinion, avoid an alcoholic at all costs, they are mostly unstable, lying, drunk, abusive, aggressive, inconsiderate, unreliable, unreasonable, unapproachable, incoherent and frustrating. They are extremely selfish and self destructive and would mow you over just to get another drink. In a way they can be worse than a drug addict. At least a drug addict is mostly unconscious

If you have kids and/or your husband or wife is an alcoholic, I suggest removing the kids from their presence and eradicate them from your life in general until they are clean and sober. My father was an alcoholic for many years and as a child, my family life was a turbulent one. My mother was depressed and a constant victim to his abuse, suffering verbal and sometimes physical abuse at his hands. My siblings and I were terrified and constantly let down by my father. We also suffered verbal abuse and have come away with some psychological scarring as a result. Christmas, birthdays etc, any occasion that was supposed to be happy time for a child, was ruined by my father’s alcohol abuse. Personally I would have preferred if he wasn’t there at all.

The only good things to come out of it was that I won’t be the same to my own wife and children, should I have any and the fact that as an adult I got to tell my father exactly what I thought of him as a child and the irreparable damage that he caused us. There is nothing satisfying about the later. The look on his face said it all really. He deeply regrets his behaviour, as does my mother, who kept him around for years when she could have told him to f*ck off.

You want to help and alcoholic? Cop on to yourself, you are delusional. They can only help themselves. Heed my advice and get as far away from them as you can. They will destroy themselves and everyone around them. Do not put your kids in danger by allowing an alcoholic to lie and cheat them out of a childhood. You have been warned

Anonymous

Kimia

Bimmy wrote: »

How to spot an alcoholic

It’s very easy to spot an alcoholic. They usually have a drink in their hand. They usually speak **** and act like they know what they are talking about, even when they are clearly slurring and falling over drunk. They always prioritise alcohol over everything else, for example: When out shopping, alcohol is at the top of the list, or is the reason why the shopping is occurring.

More ways to spot one:

Usually drinking alone
Usually drinking alone in the dark
Usually bases their social gathering around whether or not they can have a drink or not
Usually drinking during the week for no good reason.
Still drinking when everyone else has gone home
Drinking 10 times the average amount
Literally always drinking
Calls themselves a party person


Anonymous

Not true at all actually. An alcoholic can be a binge drinker where they go for ages without drinking and then go on a week of a binge. The above is just one manifestation of this disease.

You sound extremely bitter and angry about your childhood. Would it not be healthier to detach with love? The alcoholic doesn't want to be like that and feels huge guilt about what they do to the people they love. Rather than 'warn' people about alcoholics as if they were roaming the streets looking for victims (that really won't achieve anything), surely it would be more helpful to talk about how to cope when you have an alcoholic parent/partner/sibling etc?

LegacyUser

To be fair, there are many ways an alcoholic can behave, I gave some examples of the ones that I have experienced. I didn't say it was a definite. Either way, my opinion still stands. I can't get my childhood back, neither can my brothers and sisters. I'm not really bitter about it, I just believe that, we could have been spared a lot of hassle if my mother had just told him to p*ss off. The funny thing is, when I got a bit older, he came home p*ssed one day and I told him not to show up on the door again, he got clean after that. He got his act together and hasn't had a drink since.

I think sometimes, it's better to just cut ties and give them time to reflect on their decisions, if they come around then that's great, if they don't, then I'm afraid they never will. It's a matter of priority, if you choose alcohol over your family then you are a w*nk*r, regardless of how you feel the next day. I don't buy any of the excuses bull ****. many alcoholoics use these typical excuses as a shield to hide behind, rather than just coming to terms with what they are doing.

I'm not warning people in the way you make it out. I am however warning people the wives and husbands of the alcoholic. If you choose to keep an alcoholic around when he/she is clearly making your childrens life a misery then YOu are a terrible parent. YOU are putting the children through that. Just get them away from your children, they are a danger to them. And if you disagree with that then fair enought, I have nothing more to say

Kimia wrote: »

Not true at all actually. An alcoholic can be a binge drinker where they go for ages without drinking and then go on a week of a binge. The above is just one manifestation of this disease.

You sound extremely bitter and angry about your childhood. Would it not be healthier to detach with love? The alcoholic doesn't want to be like that and feels huge guilt about what they do to the people they love. Rather than 'warn' people about alcoholics as if they were roaming the streets looking for victims (that really won't achieve anything), surely it would be more helpful to talk about how to cope when you have an alcoholic parent/partner/sibling etc?