begging at this stage?

LegacyUser

I'm with my bf 5 years now and over that time a few things have knocked my confidence. Family deaths, weight gain, loss of my job, mony worries all have me less confident than when we met.

We live together and lately, due to my recent job loss he has really been supporting the house. I did the same for him last year when he was out of work for 3 months and I know he doesn't mind. But I myself feel useless. This feeling has been dragging me down a bit over the past 2 weeks or so.

Another thing that has been bothering me is that he never seems to be physically affectionate with me anymore. I didn't notice a decline so I can't say when it started, but again, over the past two weeks, it's been bothering me.

A few days ago I brought it up, I told him how I feel I'm not doing enough for or in the house, how I feel like he's lost interest in me, how I feel like I'm scabbing off him every time he buys groceries or brings me home a pizza.

He told me I am doing enough in the house (it's always spotless, he comes home to dinner every evening etc) how he's not loosing interest he's just tired and under pressure with work, how he doesn't feel like I'm scabing because he knows I'm generous when I have money and I supported him before when the tables were turned etc.

The next day we had a row about some dishes on the draining board, where he basicially let me know that he wasn't happy that I had not washed up after (a 3 course) dinner I had made the evening before for us and that I should not have left them until the next morning. (everything besides the plates we ate from and the glasses we had used was tidied away) I felt like I had told him something and the very next morning he used it against me. I felt betrayed.

We have made up after it but it left me feeling hurt. Also since our conversation that night, he still hasn't touched me. He sits with his arms folded on the couch, he goes to bed and goes straight asleep, not even any hugs. I asked him for more affection and I got nothing.

He says there is nothing wrong. He has brought me flowers for no reason before any of this came up. He seems happy day to day. We're planning on getting married when I get work again and he has said he absolutely wants to go ahead with it. He can't see the problem.

I feel like maybe I should plan a sexy evening tomorrow, make the first move, not give him a chance to get caught into a programme on tv or fall asleep as soon as he goes to bed. Basicially, take the initiative. But I feel a bit like I wore my heart on my sleeve this day last week and it was immediately thrown back at me. I left my dignity go when I asked him if he was interested in me anymore. If I go and make the first move, isn't that like begging at this stage, or am I over reacting and seeing his lack of interest lately as a reflection on me when it could just be pressure at work?

LegacyUser

My first thought is that you are maybe overreacting a little bit. If you were working you wouldn't have so much time to sit and worry about things.

Some guys can be a little less complicated than us. And they are alot less likely to stick around if they aren't happy. Therefore, I imagine your guy is probably content enough.

Make some moves tomorrow night if you want, but I wouldn't bother mentioning this incident again. Maybe focus on other areas of your life because it sounds like you've suffered a knock in confidence. Exercise? Hobbies?

ChocolateRamses

OP you're still adjusting to being out of work. Up until the end of your employment your days were probably very defined by your work, they'd have to be just by dint of you being in work from 9 to everyday, (or whatever your hours were).

Now thought, without work, you're probably, (like most people), trying to fill in the days. Which can be soul-destroying after a while, (believe me I know!).

I suspect nothing has changed for your bf, since he's still working, his feelings for you haven't changed a whit, and perhaps he doesn't see how difficult it is to be out of work,(to be fair to him from his perspective her's working all day, and you're not, so he probably is wrecked when he gets in, and simply doesn't have the energy).

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like maybe you need to take some iniatitive yourself, if you're feelign self-conscious about yourself physically then put on your runners and go for a walk, or a jog, or a swim, or something. get out of the house everyday, even if it means leaving some errands for another day just so you have a reason to get out of the house.

Basically you need to do soemthing, because it sounds like you're stuck at home most of the time and all these little problems, (and I suspect problems that don't exist the way you think they do), are being inflated beyond all proportions.

LegacyUser

I was unemployed for the past few months and can relate to what you're saying. I felt exactly the same as you with my bf.

However now that I'm back working again I know that it was all down to my insecurities and having too much time to think during the day. When you are unemployed you feel worthless and not a part of "normal" society, which is stupid but human. I cried if my bf even slightly raised his voice when I wasn't working as I was so up in a heap about feeling inferior to everybody else & having no money to buy things.

You are still the same person you were before you lost your job and your bf still loves you. Get out of the house and get some exercise & meet other people during the day. Many gyms are offering reduced rates for unemployed people.

You will get back on track again but be good to yourself in the meantime.