Two and a half years down the tube...

LegacyUser

Two years and a half ago i was just 5 months out of a 6 year relationship.
i was trying very hard to get my life on track, was on anti-depressants, being more sociable, trying to sort out my life and then i met someone new.

he was charming, fun, the life and soul of the party, great to be with, a fantastic lover, the polar opposite to my ex boyfriend.

I quickly got sucked into him. I knew early on that he had a somewhat coloured past (been in jail, drug dealing, etc), that he had he seemed somewhat hooked on cannabis and that his relationship with alcohol wasn't healthy. But did i walk away, no why, because that would have been the sensible thing to do.

Months passed and we grow closer but then one night out of the blue his paranoia flared up, we lived in different counties and after spending a hour and a half on the phone to him, he accused me of being with someone else and making sexual noises on the phone. I was shellshocked. It was only the start of it. I should have walked away from him then but I had no idea how bad things would have got. He threatened to burn down my house, he broke the windscreen in my car while I was driving, he pulled the car wheel out of my hand and caused us to crash and as a result my car was written off. the car i only had for a month and a half. I tried to leave him on more than one occasion but my weakness and fear of being alone all made me go back to him. He also promised me several times that he would give up smoking and drinking. the first time he stopped drinking, he lasted two weeks and lasted 4 days without smoking a joint. the second time after crashing my car he swore he would sort himself out, he stopped drinking for 4 weeks and then blamed me for drinking again.

there were more incidents every now and again but it all finished last sunday afternoon when i tried to tell him that i had enough of the relationship and that i wanted out. he went beserk, pushing me around, roaring at me, calling me names, dragging me off the floor, pushing me to the bed, grabbing my neck. i was scared out of my wits but the tears and pleas only seem to make him more crazy. my mother thankfully walked in before anything worse happened. he could have killed me, he was that crazy.

I don't know why I'm writing this really i just need to get it off my chest. I feel i can't talk about it to anybody and nobody knows all the things that have happened over the past 2 years and a half. I feel like a fool but also feel like i'm lucky to not have had the **** kicked out of me or worse. How could someone be capable of saying that they loved you and do this to you. i'm trying to make sense of things, but yet i feel like im back to where i was when i was trying to come to terms with the end of my 6 year relationship. i have cut myself off socially in many ways and i feel like i have to start all over again. the thought of it is daunting.

LeixlipRed

I dunno what you want to hear to be honest but the simple fact is that he's gone and that's only a good thing. You'll move on. And to answer your question about why someone who says the love you would do those things, it's because it wasn't true in the first place.

LegacyUser

I'm not sure what i want to hear, maybe that someone has been through something similar and got through it.
He's gone but he has taken over my thoughts and also taken ever bit of my self-esteem with him.
He won't feel lonely for long with all the friends he has and his ability to talk **** and be super friendly to everyone he meets.
Harsh thing to say about it not being true in the first place but maybe thats what i need to hear.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

This guy was big into drugs so I wouldn't have believed a word that came out of his mouth. I was with a guy before, fancied the pants off him he had a good job nice car, treated me like a princess and I was just crazy about him and him the same. I found out he was into drugs so I finished with him, basically because I don't want to spend my life with someone like that i'm worth more and so are you. You didn't walk away because your self esteem was at a low and you couldn't think straight about whats best for you. Id recommend you take some serious time out before even considering another relationship and build yourself back up. When you are in a better place you will be able to make better decisions about relationships. Best of luck xxx

LegacyUser

His friends consist of fraudsters, thieves, drug dealers and heavy drug users.
All this was perfectly acceptable, because as he put it they never did any harm to me.

He always claimed that me, his son and his parents were number one in his life but that wasn't true. number one in his life was cannabis, he might not have much money but he would always find a way of getting it, doing deals for people, helping them out, anything to get a few joints. his son lives in a different place and one time i accompanied him on a trip to see. on the last day when were in the place until 6 pm instead of spending time with his son he spends the whole day looking for some special weed for a christmas present for himself. yeah his son was his number one priority alright.

Sorry about all the venting but i'm going out of mind with the thoughts i am having.

It will be a long time before i am ready for a relationship, i jumped in way too fast last time and wasn't near to be healed. this time i couldn't even fathom being with someone nevermind touching someone or being intimate with someone.

LegacyUser

Good lord, OP, that's a horrible situation to have been in. I'm really glad for you that you got out of it. Now you can begin afresh. I have a friend and she was in a similar situation to you. Her boyfriend started out all sweet and loving, ended up on crystal-meth, beat the **** out of her and caused her life to turn into a living hell.
But she got out of it. She lost a few friends (or what she thought were friends) over it, got a lot of grief and was made miserable for a while. It was a five year relationship, and everybody had bet that they were made for each other. But here she is, three years later and she's in the best relationship of her life, is very happy, and the girlfriend of my best friend. She never thought things would turn around for her, but it's all better now.

Things will get better for you. You took a big step. Be very proud of yourself. You can now find the happiness you deserve and consign that horrible situation to your past. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying guys, i appreciate the comments.

I booked an appointment with my therapist so it will be great fun explaining how i let things spiral out of control. I'm dreading the thought of having to tell her everything but i know that is something that has to be done.

But **** crystal meth, jesus that drug is insane, he could have easily killed her.
Glad to hear some positive outcomes though.

Sanjuro

Don't worry too much about therapy. It's incredibly liberating. I know at first, it's a daunting thing to do. I've been there myself. But even after the first session, if you're open to the experience, you'll come out feeling a whole lot better! Best of luck with it!

CDfm

OP - if it helps lots of people get into weird relationships and its not intentional at the time.

You liked the guy and it just got out of hand.

Don't be afraid of telling your therapist as some say its saying it to aloud acknowledges the stupidity. His wackiness and paranoia are his own business and you dont need it.So forget it.

Try to see the funny side too.

LegacyUser

It's funny because i'm not feeling to sad about things almost a week later. I'm just feeling extremely lonely. But i really am going to try and not let this beat me. when my last relationship ended i felt the lowest i ever felt. i never wqnt to go back there again.

as far as my therapist goes i feel sometimes she is judging me, but it's probably my paranoia acting up. i will probably need 3 hours with her because i haven't been at a sessionin six months.

as far as seeing the funny side i ordered "It's a break up, because it is broken". I'm hoping that will be a lighthearted read and that it will tell me that i am better off now than a week ago.

LegacyUser

Well done on getting out of that relationship. Marijuana affects long-term tokers more than people realise. It does make you paranoid when you are smoking it and even more paranoid when you give it up. I smoked it for years daily and in very large quantities and coming off it was very difficult. The withdrawals can last for months and a friend of mine who gave up class a's (he did everything) and toking but went back to weed after 5 years clean said that giving up weed was more dificult than the class a's. On top of that your emotions aren't numb anymore and you have to deal with your guilt (if you can face upto it) of what you wasted/did to stay stoned. I'm trying to say that even if he did give it up, he probably wouldn't be fun to be around till he'd dealt with a lot of stuff and it was out of his system so well done on getting out now!

Addicts are manipulative and will try and blame their shortcomings (drinking too much, feeling of inadequacy, etc) on anyone they can. It wasn't your fault but it sounds like you're realising that.

If you feel like you need more help than seeing your counsellor once a week, maybe try alanon. There are people there who have had to boot someone out of their life for substance abuse or wish they had a long time ago and they will give you some insights into what's helped them deal with similar thoughts, doubts and guilt.

Don't be afraid to talk to your friends. They're probably are more aware of your turmoil than you realise. If you can't talk, just sit for 15 mins and write anything that comes to your head. My friend calls it getting rid of the daily mental garbage and it's helped me when I do it in the morning, she does it at night but, either way, it helps to see your thoughts outside of your head. And be gentle with yourself.

Peggypeg

Hey Sweetie,

BIG BIG big pat on the back to you for getting away from that man. I think you're going to be grand once you get some coucelling and get your self esteem back. I don't really have anything to add to what others have said but I think you should give yourself credit for getting out of that toxic situation and really give yourself a pat on the back for caring for yourself enough to do so, even when you were feeling so low in yourself. That's what makes me think you'll be ok. Best of luck sweetie, the only way from here is up.

Best of luck in everything sweetie.

CDfm

Good for you OP - if you hang out with happy people you become happier.

LegacyUser

bankety blank wrote: »

Well done on getting out of that relationship. Marijuana affects long-term tokers more than people realise. It does make you paranoid when you are smoking it and even more paranoid when you give it up. I smoked it for years daily and in very large quantities and coming off it was very difficult. The withdrawals can last for months and a friend of mine who gave up class a's (he did everything) and toking but went back to weed after 5 years clean said that giving up weed was more dificult than the class a's. On top of that your emotions aren't numb anymore and you have to deal with your guilt (if you can face upto it) of what you wasted/did to stay stoned. I'm trying to say that even if he did give it up, he probably wouldn't be fun to be around till he'd dealt with a lot of stuff and it was out of his system so well done on getting out now!

Addicts are manipulative and will try and blame their shortcomings (drinking too much, feeling of inadequacy, etc) on anyone they can. It wasn't your fault but it sounds like you're realising that.

If you feel like you need more help than seeing your counsellor once a week, maybe try alanon. There are people there who have had to boot someone out of their life for substance abuse or wish they had a long time ago and they will give you some insights into what's helped them deal with similar thoughts, doubts and guilt.

Don't be afraid to talk to your friends. They're probably are more aware of your turmoil than you realise. If you can't talk, just sit for 15 mins and write anything that comes to your head. My friend calls it getting rid of the daily mental garbage and it's helped me when I do it in the morning, she does it at night but, either way, it helps to see your thoughts outside of your head. And be gentle with yourself.

thanks for replying, good to see things from his perspective.

6-7 years ago, long time before i knew him he came off coke, he had told me how difficult it was and that he was a paranoid mess for ages. but i now know due to dealing with his personality that he definitely replaced it with weed/hash. when he gave up drinking for 4 weeks he substituted majorly and smoke way more joints.
as with dealing with his past and guilt i do believe that he is running away from that for a long time and that he doesn't have the balls to deal with all the wrongs he has done in his life.

i have being going to al-anon on and off since last march, i still find it very difficult to communicate at meetings. i find it difficult to tell friends whats going on with me, never mind talking about it in front of a bunch of strangers. i will keep trying though.

thanks for the tip about the mental garbage, i'll definitely keep that in mind.

i went to my first counselling session in 7 months last month, it was good to get stuff off my chest and be totally honest. I did tell some whoppers of lies in the past few months. We have a lot of work to do...

CDfm: i wish i could pluck some happy people from the sky...