Do I settle or walk away

mtwtfss

Me and my partner are just six years together, I have a son from a previous relationship, they get on great.

Recently I braved the question of marriage - we had talked about it before but we were not in a financial place to even consider - so it was put on the long finger, but this time around we can afford it.

My partner then tells me he has decided marriage is not for him (without any discussion) and if we are to stay together I have to realize he will never want to get married. After a few days of heart ache I made the decision that I love him more than what marriage means to me and we have decided to stay together.

There over the weekend, after thinking it through I said I would love to have another child, a sibling for our son. He has said he'll think about it but he can't see himself having children.

I'm gutted, all along we had always said some day we will get married and have children, now after being so long together and finally settling in our house I thought this was the perfect time.

I feel like walking away, family is very important to me and I would love another child and I guess if i'm honest I really do want to get married. So what do I do? Walk away from the man I love to go in search of someone else? Or stay in the hope he may change his mind? even if he did change this mind now I would always have felt i pressured him into it. Please give me some advice - i'm really really hurting

mtwtfss

He knows how serious, the last time when the original marriage question came up we did break up for a few days. I did go back because I fooled myself into thinking that if you find someone you love marriage is not the bee all and end all of everything.

But the children thing has really thrown me. Surely after 6 years you know if you want to have children with some one or not

I'm 27 and he is 28

mtwtfss

I don't know - I have always imagined have more children and growing old married to the love of my life. I think I would regret it if I didn't have another baby.

I know I am young but my son is 7 - I want him to get to play and be be a big brother sooner rather than later! Also I really enjoyed being a young mammy

theg81der

I don`t think this man loves you I`m sorry. I have male friends who I argue with over this regularly, there all holding on to some lovely girl and stringing her along in a non commited relationship till their brazilian model comes. Win win for them if your willing to put up with it.

Leave- if he really loves you you`ll have a proposal in a week if not, well, you`ve had your question answered.

So sorry your going through this.

LegacyUser

Having children is (and should be) a dealbreaker.

However, lets look at the bigger picture. He did want marriage and kids and now he 'doesn't know'?

You really need to talk this through with him... and yes, maybe you need to explain that that means he will have to give you up. But... is he depressed? Is there financial strain? You've both been together a long time for a young couple. Does he have itchy feet?

Set a cut off point. Say that if he really doesn't know then you will give him time to resolve his feelings. This is not an ultimatum - this is maybe 3-6 mnths of not addressing the issue at all, but at the end of that time its a simple yes or no.

ChocolateRamses

OP I'm curious as to why this has only come up after 6 years together? You mention that marraige has been discussed before, (albeit briefly), but you never considered the possibility of more children?

mtwtfss

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

OP I'm curious as to why this has only come up after 6 years together? You mention that marraige has been discussed before, (albeit briefly), but you never considered the possibility of more children?

We had discussed children before and agreed we did want to start a family, but decided will we had a house of our own and stable jobs, also when we met we were both in college. were now 2 years finished and both have good jobs

mtwtfss

theg81der wrote: »

I don`t think this man loves you I`m sorry. I have male friends who I argue with over this regularly, there all holding on to some lovely girl and stringing her along in a non commited relationship till their brazilian model comes. Win win for them if your willing to put up with it.

Leave- if he really loves you you`ll have a proposal in a week if not, well, you`ve had your question answered.

So sorry your going through this.

It's funny I read your post well the second part of it - and to be honest that what I feel I need to do. If you love some one let them go and they will come back to you. I would love to do this, but i am really scared. We have build a great life together and a home for my son.

What if he does genuinely love me but maybe marriage isn't for everyone (or am i just fooling myself?). I'm afraid of risking leaving him and then realizing I have made the biggest mistake of my life loosing the one person who was meant for me because of a marriage cert.

mtwtfss

unregistered wrote: »

Having children is (and should be) a dealbreaker.

However, lets look at the bigger picture. He did want marriage and kids and now he 'doesn't know'?

You really need to talk this through with him... and yes, maybe you need to explain that that means he will have to give you up. But... is he depressed? Is there financial strain? You've both been together a long time for a young couple. Does he have itchy feet?

Set a cut off point. Say that if he really doesn't know then you will give him time to resolve his feelings. This is not an ultimatum - this is maybe 3-6 mnths of not addressing the issue at all, but at the end of that time its a simple yes or no.

No finance thankfully, is not an issue, both our jobs are secure. He doesn't seem depressed, his mood hasn't changed - he has no reasons that I can think of that would have him down or stressed.

Itchy feet, I suppose there is a slim chance - but I don't think so to be honest! Even thought we are young he is quite settled in his ways, he is not the sort of lad who goes clubbing or socializes a lot, we have a great relationship and friendship.

We have mentioned both marriage and children before, I have never really put pressure on him saying I want an answer but i'm just afraid now if I leave it another 3-6 months I will just keep leaving it. Surely if you 6 years with some one you know? 3 - 6 months won't really make a difference, will it?

ChocolateRamses

I think on some level you've probably always assumed marriage and kids would happen in the longer term. Whereas he has never really considered that. If you're both only out of college with 2 years, then you're really only starting your lives. It may come as a shock to him that marriage/children are now on the cards.

I don't agree that giving him is an ultimatum is a good move. I don't even agree with half the assertions being made in this thread.

All he has said is that he's not interested in marriage, you haven't mentioned anything about kids in this thread. Just that he's not interested in marriage, and clearly as far as you're concerned no marriage = no children. But that's your perspective and may not be his.

So in effect you're reacting to the idea of not having children with this guy, even though he's completely oblivious to that fact, (according to what you've posted).

You need to discuss this with your partner without giving him any ultimatums.

Honestly, if you were issuing that ultimatum to most sensible guys based on what you've said in this thread I think you'd be shown the door.

Peggypeg

Hey Sweetie,

I'm 27 and I wouldn't dream of having a child now, I want to be selfish for a while longer, going out, boozing, all nighters etc etc. Me & bf plan on having kids when we're around 32ish. Maybe your boyfriend feels like this. I know you want your son to have a brother soon but that might not be what your bf wants. I know if my bf started talking babies to me I'd be quite panicked to be honest and might even start questioning the relationship. I know your bf is great with your son but maybe he doesn't want his own just yet. I think you should ask him if he has been feeling pressured. Also tell him that you don't expect him to put your son's happiness before his own happiness.

With regards to the marraige thing, well that's up to you, is it a dealbreaker? I know it would be for me, it's about commitment and that's what you want when you're planning a family.

jenga-jen

OP I have to be honest, reading the title of your thread seems to answer your question...

If you feel that you would be settling to stay with him when he won't follow through on things you'd previously been promised then this is no way to live your life! Imagine years down the line and your son has grown up. Would you be happy to still be with him if you'd never married and you'd never had any more children?

If the answer is yes and you'd trade these desires to be able to grow old with him then stay!

However, if he won't give you an answer and you'd only end up resenting him for the rest of your relationship because he won't give you the things you need, then you probably know what you have to do

So sorry that you've been put in this situation

Ickle Magoo

Reading your thread it seems to me that your bf has moved the goal-posts without telling you - and that strikes me as his prerogative, yes, but incredibly unfair. You put marriage on the long-finger and now it's not going to happen - his choice. You were assuming kids, so presumably there was no declarations of no kids and now no kids either - his choice again. Huge joint decisions and he's just calling time on them.

Tbh, I think relationships are worthless without compromise and I don't see him doing any compromising, it seems to be a case of taking his view or else, which is a really awful way to treat someone you've been living with and making a family with for six years - I'd be really, really angry.

Long term, I think you have to assume he will never change his mind and decide if you are happy with that scenario - and will always be happy, not resent him, for placing you in that scenario. Best of luck - horrible situation.

pinkpigs

Hey OP,

I've been in your shoes. We were together for six years before we got married, we always talked about the amount of kids we'd like, how we'd raise them etc. Then I came off the pill. A year of crap later and he finally admits he doesn't want kids. Fast forward a week and I had a make a decision. To stay with him and never have children or walk and hope that there is someone better for me out there. I choose to walk. It's not easy, the whole mess of mortgage, our families our friends, not to mention closing the door on the person I love most in my life, but he moved the goal posts not me.

I'm on way to 35 and starting fresh. Who knows where I'll be this time next year but I know one thing for sure is that I want a family so there is no compromise on this one.

You'll know what the right decisions is for you deep down.

Good luck.

mood

I think it's either you want kids or you don't. You don't say for years you do and then decide it's not for you. Maybe he just isn't ready yet or maybe he does want kids but not with you.

You need to talk to him. Maybe he is freaked out because you seem to be in a rush.

mtwtfss

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I took some and read and appreciated others. I finally made a call and set an ultimatum so to speak - I suggested he moved out for a few days and thought about long term where he seen our relationship. there was no point in going on if in the end we want different things.

So he moved in with his brother and after 5 days of tears, anger and loads of emotions in between we finally sat down and had "the talk". Turns out he does want children, just not right now - he's want to enjoy some "us time" now that my son is at an age were he is not completely dependent on us. I have to say it did make sense.

So then the BIG shocker - he proposed to me - I can't believe it! I'm so unbelievably happy.

Thank you so much for listening and replying xxx

mood

mtwtfss wrote: »

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I took some and read and appreciated others. I finally made a call and set an ultimatum so to speak - I suggested he moved out for a few days and thought about long term where he seen our relationship. there was no point in going on if in the end we want different things.

So he moved in with his brother and after 5 days of tears, anger and loads of emotions in between we finally sat down and had "the talk". Turns out he does want children, just not right now - he's want to enjoy some "us time" now that my son is at an age were he is not completely dependent on us. I have to say it did make sense.

So then the BIG shocker - he proposed to me - I can't believe it! I'm so unbelievably happy.

Thank you so much for listening and replying xxx

That's great. It's nice to hear how people get on.

Peggypeg

AWWWWWWWWWWW, CONGRATULATIONS SWEETIE!!! That is just the best news, I'm doing my happy dance for you!!! I'm so glad this has worked out for you. Make sure you have loads of fun during this "us time" before you start on the kids!!! Seriously sweetie, that is just the best news.

theg81der

Thx for coming back and telling us how it went. I`m so glad! Had to read my post back so glad I was wrong about the first bit so glad I was right about the second!

Thats amazing! xxx Wishing you a long and happy life together!