5 Years and No Commitment.....

Goldenlady

Just wanted to know what others would do in my situation..... 5 years with my boyfriend, he is a doth, love him to bits. Went through a rough patch a few years back and sorted it out after 6 months.

We live in different counties, and I have ties in my own so only see at week ends, which generally we spend with his kids (from his marriage). Lately as I hit early thirties, all my friends are now married, having babies etc but he has no plans for any of this. Said he doesnt want kids or marriage (Which im not to bothered about the marriage but kids, think I would like the option in a couple of years!)

We spend very little time on our own as kids are always there(Young adults really) and im just doubting my relationship! Reason being, when we split up a couple of years back, (He broke it off!) I ended up meeting a guy i used to go out with, same age as me, had history, lived in my county, looking for a wfe and kids at some stage in future - now im making comparisons, wondering what if????????? HELP!!

hobochris

have you told him straight out that you want (your own)kids?

Goldenlady

We have spoken about it, and I suppose he always said he didnt want anymore kids, but I was young and in my twenties then and it was the last thing on my mind! I just dont want to have a child with someone who doesn't want one and is only doing it to keep me happy -does that make sense??:o

PopUp

You need to talk to him again. Your views have changed which is fair enough but he probably still thinks you feel the same way you did in the beginning.

There is nothing wrong with staying together long term and even long distance, never marrying, and never having kids. But you have to both want that. There is equally nothing wrong with wanting to live together, call someone your husband, and have children. But you have to honest with him and with yourself.

What do you actually want your life to look like in five years? Ten? Twenty? Do you want him in it, which country do you see yourself living in, do you see yourself with children?

Goldenlady

... Maybe im the issue here, as I dont know what I want! I am being really cranky with him at the moment and its not fair - he has always been honest - Im obviously just annoyed with myself for not knowing what I want! I just wish we lived in the same county, I think that could make life easier! I suppose I need to just decide where I want my life to be and what I want in my life. I love him and want to be with him, but I would hate to wake up in twenty years and regret anything and its too late to have kids etc then! Think im just confused!:rolleyes:

Maple

Moved from TLL.

Maple.

Canis Lupus

5 years seeing each other on the weekend. You're practically **** buddies not boyfriend and girlfriend.

To each their own but why settle for weekends with his kids when you could have someone commit to you all the time in your own country who wants to have kids with you?

Goldenlady

Thanks Canis - I know exactly what you mean. And I think thats my issue at the moment, I do love him and I dont doubt that. We tend to meet up during the week also at times if either of us are travelling with work. And it would be nice to have someone in the same county, with whom I possibly could have kids if the time came..... but do I give it all up just in case I meet someone new! I might not get on so well with the next person - I suppose its brings it back to the question - is there really only 1 love of your life????? So confused!!:(

How Strange

Goldenlady wrote: »

Thanks Canis - I know exactly what you mean. And I think thats my issue at the moment, I do love him and I dont doubt that. We tend to meet up during the week also at times if either of us are travelling with work. And it would be nice to have someone in the same county, with whom I possibly could have kids if the time came..... but do I give it all up just in case I meet someone new! I might not get on so well with the next person

No, this isn't hedging your bets. You have to decide if the relationship you have at the moment is one that you're happy with or are you settling for something less than you should. If you're settling for second best, and I mean in terms of no marriage and no kids rather than your OH, then ask yourself will you resent your OH for that later on. If the answer is yes then you should consider walking away. However, there is no guarantee you will meet someone else or you'll have marriage and kids with someone else. That's the gamble you have to take - settle for second best (if that's the case) or be brave and move on and have the possibility of meeting someone else who wants what you do.

- I suppose its brings it back to the question - is there really only 1 love of your life????? So confused!!:(

Bullsh1t! I loved Sex and the City but it's got a hell of a lot to answer for in terms of filling women's heads with nonsense. I've dated guys I've been absolutely crazy about and when it ended I was gutted each time and thought how would I ever meet someone like that again. Well I did, again and again and now I'm getting married to one of them. The possibilities of meeting people are endless so don't let fear and a narrow view of things make you stay in a relationship you're not happy in.

I personally would never stay in an unhappy or unfulfilled relationship out of fear. I would rather be forever single with 10 cats and be as mad as a brush but know that I didn't throw my life away because I was afraid of never meeting anyone else.

kenbrady

It reads to me that this guy is not committed to you. He has his own life. He doesn't dedicated any time to you. Weekends are spend with his kids and you along for the ride. What sort of commitment has he given you. He said no to kids. Have you talked about marriage.

It's very simple you need to make a decision. Are you prepared to move in with him and change your job to relocate. You can't live the way you do now forever. He needs to tell you if he is prepared to get married have kids with you.

Your life is on hold at the moment waiting for him. It either moves to the next level or ends. Staying with someone because you think it is the best you will get and not everything you want. Will only end in bitterness.

Don't waste any more time in limbo, it's a tough decision, best to make it now and stick by it.