Really don't know what to do.

LegacyUser

Hi, going unreg for this for obvious reasons.

I don't even know where to start with this.
A best friend of mine has always been close to her sister - she'd offer to babysit, do her shopping when she was busy, that kinda thing. After one of the occasions where she was babysitting (she was fifteen at the time) she confided in me that her sister's boyfriend had come into the spare room that my friend was staying in, lay down on the bed beside her and basically groped her. She mentioned this to her sister, who was sceptical about the incident, saying that he wouldn't do something like that, and that perhaps my friend was dreaming (my friend later said that it could, possibly, actually have been a dream). Nothing like this happened for a while, so my friend, let's just call her Karen, thought no more of it and dismissed it as a dream.

A few months later, it happened again. This time, Karen cut all ties with her sister, until she got into a bit of trouble and called upon her sister for help. Because of her sister helping Karen, Karen (wrongly, I know) felt in debt to her. Everything continued as 'normal' again for a few months.

Karen was asked to babysit for her sister again one night, as her boyfriend and she were attending a birthday party (I should mention that all the incidences of babysitting took place in Karen's sister's house). Karen asked myself and another friend to keep her company that night, as she would have had a long walk home by herself through some rough areas. We obliged. We did not, however, anticipate how late her sister would be home, and by the time four a.m came 'round we had decided to stay there. Karen and the other friend stayed in Karen's niece's room, while I stayed in the spare room by myself. I had fallen asleep but woken up to someone sitting on the side of the bed with their hand up my top, groping me. I was absolutely terrified, and turned into the wall to try and startle him, which worked, until he came back into the room later. A few times that night/morning (I hadn't slept after the first time) he returned to the room, mostly standing in the doorway and from what I recall, staring at me. I told this to Karen, who, naturally, was pretty upset about it, but asked me not to say anything to anyone, as she was trying to find a way to tell her parents, and I foolishly agreed. I was barely fifteen at the time.

A month or so later, and my friend hadn't told anyone. She told me that her sister had blackmailed her, saying that if Karen told their parents, she would tell them of the trouble she had gotten into. For some reason, Karen had decided that what she had done was worse than what her sister's boyfriend had, and I have to say, it wasn't at all. Karen had also told me that it would break her family apart, as she knew that her sister would choose her boyfriend over her family (selfish, I know, but that is her sister in essence - she is irresponsible to the extreme) and that her parents wouldn't get to see their grandchild, which would break their hearts.

It was around this time that her sister decided to throw Karen a birthday party (for her 16th). 30 or so people were invited to her sister's house, and to stay the night. I reasoned that since there were so many people, it would be okay to go, as nothing could possibly happen since neither myself nor Karen would be left alone with the creepo boyfriend. During the party, though, I felt sick and decided to sleep in one of the spare rooms. I woke up again to find the boyfriend sitting on the side of the bed with his hands near me. I don't know whether he touched me or not, as I was pretty much out for the count until then. When I woke up, I looked straight at him, and he got up and pretended to be looking out the window. I never confronted him out of fear, and the fact that we were alone upstairs with a noisy party happening downstairs. He left the room. I called one of my friends to come up, as he had gone back downstairs and I couldn't stand facing him. She came up, and I told her everything, but we could hear him moving around outside, and he came in once, glanced in the room and closed the door again. Whether he wanted to hear what we were talking about or was waiting for me to be alone again, I don't know. Eventually he went downstairs after being called by Karen's sister. After a few minutes, Karen came into the room and heard myself and the friend talking about what happened, and threatened 'I swear to god, if you tell anyone anything else about this, I'll never talk to you again.' I also found out that the friend I called up to the room had been sitting on the couch beside the creepo boyfriend, and had felt his hand go under her arm and touch her breast. She moved away, thinking it was a mistake (she knew nothing of what had happened to Karen and myself) and moved away. He moved closer and did it again, so she moved to a different chair.

Talking to Karen about this over the following months seemed futile - she'd dismiss it, blame it on him being drunk (a couple of times, though, he wasn't) and say that it wasn't important. It was left forgotten about until Karen called me in floods of tears some months later. She had babysat the previous night and stayed in her niece's bed with her. The following morning she woke up and went downstairs, only to find that her sister wasn't there (she usually got up early). She went back to bed, and woke again a few hours later. She got dressed and was leaving, but remembered that she left something in her sister's room. She walked into her sister's room, assuming both her sister and the boyfriend to be out, and found the boyfriend asleep, with one hand in a compromising place and the other holding a pair of Karen's dirty underwear. She fled the house and again didn't talk to her sister for several months.

This absolutely infuriated me, obviously. Partially because of what he did, but to a greater extent, Karen's sister's dismissal of the entire situation (when Karen had confronted her about the groping thing, her sister had said something along the lines of 'ah, sure he didn't mean it', and accused me of lying about it) and Karen's own attitude towards it. Why and HOW she could protect this disgusting b*stard is beyond me. As usual, it was 'forgotten' about.

It's been close enough to four years since this first started. Nothing had happened in about three of those four years, but occasionally the friend I called the night of the party would bring it up and we'd talk about it, most recently last week. Weirdly enough, the day after we had spoken about it, Karen brought it up in my house. She told me that while in her sister's house, he had attempted to aplologize to her, but she pretended to be asleep on the couch. Her sister's very words to her boyfriend made me sick -'Leave it, you don't need to apologize to her.' I told her everything I felt about the situation - most importantly, that the niece (who is not the boyfriend's child) is now ten. In five years, god knows what this b*stard will do to the child. It is not about her anymore - by not telling someone about him, she is pretty much condoning child abuse and the abuse of her own niece, imo. I've said this countless amounts of times. She will not listen. Last night, she went to a party with her sister and the boyfriend. He got into the bed beside her and groped her again. I demanded that she tell someone, but she won't listen to me. I really need some advice on how to get around to her; not even for her sake anymore, but to protect the ten year old niece and the three month old child the two have had since. In my opinion, Karen's sister is not a fit parent - this is slightly off topic but just adds to the amount of things stacked against her, and another reason I don't see why Karen doesn't tell anyone about her sister's parenting abilities, but her sister is involved with drugs; the only ones I know of for sure are cannabis and cocaine. I understand that many people use drugs and they do not hinder parenting abilities, but this woman is truely careless - she left a bag of cocaine on the dinner table and one of their dogs took it, ripped open the bag, and licked it up. This could easily have been a child.


Basically, I need any advice I can get. How do I deal with my friend in trying to get her to tell someone about what happened? It can't be left alone now. Thanks.

theg81der

Op people like this make me sick. I bet the sister would be one of those women who`d turn a blind eye to her own daughter being abused. It so common they choose their boyfriend over their kid. Well if she would choose him over her own sister...

I think you need to tell her your going to tell if she doesn`t. Or report it to social services. Your right thou you need to do something.

Be brave op! sorry your stuck in this awful position.

bambera

This may be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do but you need to speak up. You may loose your friend but there are bigger things at stake, the children's welfare. He is not going to stop doing this. He could be messing up a lot of young girls lives and what's to say what he is doing now will not lead to even more serious actions. I know its scary but you have to put an end to the damage he id doing

LegacyUser

This is an awful situation to be in OP.

I was abused by my aunt's husband when I was 15 and 16 so I know what it's like.

If 'Karen' isn't going to speak up well then I think you have a responsibility to tbh. There are 2 children involved here and he may already be abusing the 10 year old. You don't know. You can report it to Social Services (I think you can do it anonymously but I'm not sure.) I reported my abuser and now he hasn't been able to see any children within the family under 18 since (that was 5 and 6 years ago.)

Your friend is obviously too scared to tell her family and the authorities and if you do tell (which I think you should) then you risk losing her friendship.

But would you rather this man carries on what he's doing? (and believe me, he IS doing it to others.)

I hope you do the right thing OP. I really do.

Good luck.

beks101

What this man has done to you and your friend is nothing short of sexual abuse.

Please make a log of every single incident that has occurred to you and all of your friends and report him, whether or not you get 'Karen's' consent.

Otherwise the groping may soon not be enough for him to get his kicks, and he has regular access to a child who may become his next target. Wishing you strength x

oil painting

You have to tell your parents and go to the police IMO. Abuse thrives in silence break the silence, get help, the outcome will be that the boyfriend is monitored and it will also shed light on the sister being irresponsible with the drugs etc, there may be consequences with your parents maybe getting stricter but you could potentially be saving another victim from his molesting young girls. Its outrageous, and when it gets normalized it is very dangerous, your friend is f-ed up over her sister doing nothing about it and is believing it is noting now, dont fall into that trap, tell someone responsible. Best of luck XOXO

LegacyUser

Hi, it's the OP. Thanks for all the advice. It turns out that the incident at the weekend went further than ever before.

I went up to Karen's house today (actually mentioned this thread to her so that she could see some outside views on this) and had a long chat with her. I reiterated everything I had said already, and some of the things mentioned in these replies. I told her that unless she told her parents, I would, but she refused to. She said that she knew it was the right thing to do but couldn't. I ended up asking her mother to come in because Karen had something to say, but again she refused to tell, so I had to.

To be completely honest, Karen's mother's reaction completely shocked me. It was a minute or two before I actually said anything, and seeing her daughter in such a state obviously had her worried sick. When I told her though, her response was basically, 'is that all?'. Nothing about any authority was mentioned. She instead seemed to turn on her daughter initially, blaming her somewhat for continuing to go to the house. When it came to dealing with a solution to the problem, her only response was 'well, he needs to give up the drink.' My very words were that this man was a paedophile, he abused three underage teenagers on numerous occassions, and she seemed to take offence to this and be very defensive. She said that her granddaughter was very outspoken, and that she 'knows her well', and that if anything did happen to her she would tell immediately. I stated that she also claimed to know her own daughter (probably the most strong, independant person I know, or thought I knew) yet she didn't tell. I also said that if you had've asked me before it happened, I definitely would have said that I'd tell someone, but obviously we don't know anyone as well as we think we do. The mother left the room with 'Well, just leave it with us now', and went back to the living room and sat back down with her husband to watch tv as if nothing happened.

I was sickened by her response. My friend broke down even more when she left, saying that now she's lost a sister and two nieces. I'm also pretty sure that she told me to get out. I walked straight out of the house. It's out in the open now, and that's all I can do in relation to that family. Karen probably won't talk to me again over this. She said that her sister called her the day of the last incident, and Karen told her that she was going to tell their parents, but her sister begged her not to, saying that she would lose everything. Emotional blackmail, again.

I know that perhaps Karen's mother was trying to get over the initial shock of hearing this particular information, and maybe she's dealing with it as we speak. But from what I saw, the mother was as casual about dealing with this as the sister was, and to some extent, Karen herself. If she did, in fact, tell me to get out, and wants nothing more to do with me, I think I'd be okay with it. I don't think I could handle being around people like that anyway.

Thanks for all the replies, guys, you have no idea how much I appreciated them.

xo

Chucky the tree

The only opition you have is to go to the police and report it.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Big hug to you, what a sh*tty, f*cked up, unfair and sick situation to be in. That whole family sound very sick to me. Denial in spades by the sounds of it. You have to report this to the Gardai. The mother is obviously not going to look into it and blame it on booze, sure there's logic for you, if that was how it worked we could just burn down all the pubs to get rid of sickos. Sweetie you need to go to the police, they will listen and they will help you. It is unfortunate that you may loose a friend but you will have saved some children's innocence. Best of luck sweetie and please keep us posted.

flynnser19

you say her silence is fuelling the situation but so is your silence, you should repor himt o social services and go to the police yourself its played on your mind ever since and he's probably damaged you in ways for what he's done to you!!!i dont understand why you didnt just punch him but thats besides the point ive never been int he situation myself but i think its just sick what he's got away with so end the cycle now!!!!show him who's boss and that he cant get away with this!!!
everyone here is right god knows what he's doing to other people and maybe that 10 year old. She's not talking to you now and her mother is a spa tbh so youve nothing to really lose anymore???

LegacyUser

You HAVE to report this to the proper authorities. You were abused by this man too. When a victim reports something like this to the police, they can act upon it.

You don't know whether or not Karens mother is doing anything about it. Years down the line, you may hear that this very same thing has happened to Karens niece. Something needs to be done about it before it becomes a "i wish i'd said something to prevent this happening" situation.

Sure, Karen may never speak to you again, but from someone elses point of view, i think i could live with that with the knowledge that something has been done about it and it has prevented a little girl from being harmed (or being harmed more than she may have already, you don't know if he hasn't done anything like this to her). This man is an abuser and has been allowed to get away with it for far too long already.

Please go to the police, and alert social services. The girls mother is a drug user and the mothers boyfriend is an abuser of underage girls. Alot of paedophiles attach themselves to women who are dependent on drugs/alcohol who also have younger children or who have access to them. This children are in the highest risk category for being abused.

It could also be very worthwhile for you to talk about this with a counsellor, it has been on your mind for years and it may help to discuss it with a trained professional.

Please please please report this person. Abuse grows and grows through silence and the "what would the neighbours think" attitude.

globemaster1986

beks101 wrote: »

What this man has done to you and your friend is nothing short of sexual abuse.

Please make a log of every single incident that has occurred to you and all of your friends and report him, whether or not you get 'Karen's' consent.

Otherwise the groping may soon not be enough for him to get his kicks, and he has regular access to a child who may become his next target. Wishing you strength x

This guy is a complete creep! OP you did well bringing this to Karen's mothers attention but her reaction (or lack of!) is appalling. Now you need to go further with this. As beks said above log all incidents and report to Gardai and let them handle it!