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Dumped at New Years but back together again

  • 24-01-2010 2:37pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi, deciding to go private for this one.

    I am a 30 year old girl who last year met up with a 38 year old man. I had a miserable break-up about 2 years ago and decided to head online to try and meet somebody and this fella really excited me. He lives some distance away so would spend weekends at his place. About 3 months after being together he asked me to move in with him. I said yes - I really wanted to settle down with somebody, and felt why not give it a blast - it meant more of a commute for work but hell it may be worth it.

    Things went ok. He was a bit demanding and wouldn't let me do certain things to the house (making it clear that it was his) and other things which I put down to him not used to living with somebody. I suppose in my own mind I was wondering where things were at.

    On New Years Day he dumped me out of the blue. We got back together again but I don't know whether it is me hoping that something will work out because I want it to, or whether we really can have something good. Some friends say the fact that he dumped me once means that he might do it again, others say work it out that all couples go through rough patches.

    I have always felt that a man should love a girl more than she loves him (maybe a naive romantic view) but I am not sure whether he adores me but rather just sees me as somebody that he can have some fun with, a good sex life and ultimately that will exhaust itself and he will move on.

    Any thoughts?


Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Private wrote: »
    I said yes - I really wanted to settle down with somebody

    Hi OP, moving in is not the same thing as 'settling down' at all. Have you both discussed what you think is going on?
    I am slightly getting the impression you are reading a bit more into things than he is. If it hasn't been explicitly stated that you two are settling down then its much more likely he wants the handiness of sex on tap under his roof. More like you are a long/medium term guest.

    The following part of your post seems to back this up (he lets you stay there but not make any changes?)

    Private wrote: »
    Things went ok. He was a bit demanding and wouldn't let me do certain things to the house (making it clear that it was his) and other things which I put down to him not used to living with somebody. I suppose in my own mind I was wondering where things were at.

    On New Years Day he dumped me out of the blue. We got back together again but I don't know whether it is me hoping that something will work out because I want it to, or whether we really can have something good. Some friends say the fact that he dumped me once means that he might do it again, others say work it out that all couples go through rough patches.

    I have always felt that a man should love a girl more than she loves him (maybe a naive romantic view) but I am not sure whether he adores me but rather just sees me as somebody that he can have some fun with, a good sex life and ultimately that will exhaust itself and he will move on.

    Any thoughts?

    It doesn't sound like he adores you no. If someone adores you, you know all about it, you don't hve to wonder. Also you seem to have taken the break up very casually. Do you know why he broke up with you? Was he on a promise with someone else or something?

    I think this guy is probably a serial relationship person who also likes to keep ties to a minimum. If its not been explicitly discussed about a future etc then there is a reason for that. Its not a mystery, if he hasn't discussed commitment then its becuase he doesn't want it.


  • #3
    cafecolour
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭cafecolour


    From your description he seems to be an emotional control freak (possibly dumping you and getting back together is a way to keep you emotionally off guard and more susceptible to his influence). I'd be wary there - that sort of behavior will escalate the more the relationship progresses.

    Don't be so desperate for a relationship you'll settle for anyone.

    Another possibility is that he decided things were moving more quickly than he liked (and just didn't realize how living with someone else would be) and tried to slow it down by dumping you. Still a sign of emotional immaturity at the least. I'd guess he hasn't had much relationship experience?

    If you do want to give it another go, maybe move out again, and try dating for a while longer first.


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