This musty closet...

GalwayGuy92

First of all I'd just like to say hi before I ask for advice and basically moan for a bit about basically everything.

So here's the problem: I'm 17 and in college in galway, and I'm gay but I've only told two of my friends, the first was a drunken slip of the tongue and the second person I had decided (while sober) to tell. I don't know how to say this in a politically correct way or whatever so I'll just say it straight out.

I don't really want to tell people because I've seen what happens, Galway isn't huge and people talk. I don't want to be branded as the 'typical gay' because I'm not that way, but I'm afraid if people know that it will affect me. I don't want to become camp, I know your probably thinking "Well it's your own decision no one can force you to be camp" but peoples expectations do have a large impact on life and sometimes I can't help but live up to them.

On the other hand, I've never done anything with another guy and maybe it would be a relief if everyone knew and I could just get on with my life. But standing here on this side of the fence the other side looks like the end. I don't know how anyone will react, it's a hard thing to hear and I know that, I don't want to hurt anybody. (Incase I sound like I'm putting others before myself, I just don't want to be left with only a few people in my life.)

eagle_&_bear

GalwayGuy92 wrote: »

I don't really want to tell people because I've seen what happens, Galway isn't huge and people talk. I don't want to be branded as the 'typical gay' because I'm not that way, but I'm afraid if people know that it will affect me. I don't want to become camp, I know your probably thinking "Well it's your own decision no one can force you to be camp" but peoples expectations do have a large impact on life and sometimes I can't help but live up to them.

On the other hand, I've never done anything with another guy and maybe it would be a relief if everyone knew and I could just get on with my life. But standing here on this side of the fence the other side looks like the end. I don't know how anyone will react, it's a hard thing to hear and I know that, I don't want to hurt anybody. (Incase I sound like I'm putting others before myself, I just don't want to be left with only a few people in my life.)

hi there ( and welcome to the boards. You're very welcome!!),

what you're thinking and feeling is an incredibly common thing for every person who is in the process of dealing with, acknowledging and coming to terms with your sexuality and your life.

In relation to the first point where you say you dont want to tell anyone - I personally think, until you are in a position to deal with whatever outcome, I'd personally say don't tell anyone. You mention that galway is small and everyone talks- I can tell you, when it comes to personal issues, EVERYWHERE is small. I live in Dublin and Dublin is small when it comes to this. I know cork is too. I dont think you can ever avoid the clostraphobic effect of ''coming out''.

As for your fear of being branded a 'typical gay' - I wonder what you consider a typical gay is? I'm not saying this in an angry way but ask yourself how do you personally view the gay scene/world? An absolutely huge part of you're realisation of being gay or bi (or at least not heterosexual) and you're decision to tell people will focus on you. sounds silly but do not under estimate the roller coaster you're on. This entire process is hugely upsetting, stressful and worrying for you. We've all been there. So give yourself every ounce of time you feel you need before you do this. there's honestly no rush to do this.

Look inside yourself and ask yourself how do you feel about the gay social life? do you see everyone as camp? butch? fem? Maybe ask yourself do you have an issue with it? (and it's perfectly fine is you like it or dont like it). Bare in mind the gay social world is made up of every type of person and you'll find a section of it that will suit you and you'll feel comfortable in it - but only when you are ready. I'm 29 now, I came out at 16 (back in 1996 when it was entirely different) so I'll say this, in hind-sight based on my case but I wonder are you personally ready to come out? I ask, not out of disrespect, but I know I wasn't ready when I did and it affected me personally for a few years so think about it. Are you ready? only you truly know the answer.

As for living upto everyone elses expectations: you'll continue to do this until such time as you let go of it. And that takes time to do and you'll continue to be conscious of it for a while- this is fine too but as you get more comfortable with this, you'll deviate from being so lead by other people's expectations. but this is a time issue. Maybe stop being hard on yourself and give yourself some time. You're only 17 (and im not being condescending here) but there's really no rush. You seem a very bright and intelligent young man but once you tell people- there's no way to stop it, limit who knows or take it back. Do you need to do it right now? could you not hold off for a few months and really make sure you're ok and psychologically ready for it.

I wonder, what do you expect having ''come out'' ?

you're second paragragh is the valid and rational fear of absolutely every person who is dealing with their sexuality. Unfortunately we cant tell the future and coming out wont necessarily change the outcome of the fears you have- that's the blunt truth. For what its worth, you will find a core bunch of true true friends and you'll keep them very close to you. So you'll never be 'alone'. Your family will ALWAYS love and care for you. This will never change. I wont pretend that there'll be a few hairy moments along the way but it will iron itself out.

So the fears you have, have a magic way of working themselves out, mostly for the positive.

Maybe focus on issues in paragraph 1 for a while and park paragraph 2 to a side for a while. Deal with yourself first. Don't be afraid to ring gayswitchboard or a support group in galway and rationally talk your concerns out with someone who works in youth outreach. You'll feel an awful lot better. You're not alone in this and you're not the only one going through this.

But maybe look at yourself first. I wish someone had of told me that 13years ago.... give yourself time. Dont be so hard and pushy on yourself. For what its worth there's little difference with your life once you come out. There is a huge sense of relief lifted off you, but we create that tension ourselves. Why cant people like you for who you are, irrespective of what your are? just think about it is all.

And ask, who are you coming out for.

these sort of questions do need to be answered- so think about them and do so in your own good time. no rush, no pressure

You're more than welcome to private message or reply on here if you want to tease out issues.

shay_562

GalwayGuy92 wrote: »

I don't really want to tell people because I've seen what happens, Galway isn't huge and people talk. I don't want to be branded as the 'typical gay' because I'm not that way, but I'm afraid if people know that it will affect me. I don't want to become camp, I know your probably thinking "Well it's your own decision no one can force you to be camp" but peoples expectations do have a large impact on life and sometimes I can't help but live up to them.

On the other hand, I've never done anything with another guy and maybe it would be a relief if everyone knew and I could just get on with my life. But standing here on this side of the fence the other side looks like the end. I don't know how anyone will react, it's a hard thing to hear and I know that, I don't want to hurt anybody. (Incase I sound like I'm putting others before myself, I just don't want to be left with only a few people in my life.)

Ok, bit by bit:

1) Yep, Galway's small. In fact, all of Ireland is small. When you come out, people will hear without you telling them personally, and some people will know you by your sexuality. But really, is that necessarily a bad thing? If someone knows you so little that they only know you by that one facet of you, are you really affected by that? Is it any worse than being known as, for example, "the guy with red hair" or "the short guy" or "the guy who always wears that coat" or some such?

2) You don't want to become camp? Well...I hate to parrot back to you the response you've already said, but only you can control how camp you might become. You reckon it's expectations that other people have of you that will make this happen? Possibly (it's not exactly unheard of for people to play up to a stereotype after coming out), but realistically, if you're aware of that possibility and actively trying to avoid it, it seems unlikely that you'll end up doing anything you don't plan to some extent. Moreover, people's expectations are sometimes the opposite of what you might expect. There's something of a social caché to being a gay guy who people don't realise is gay - if your worry is that you'll be the kind of gay guy people want you to be, remember that that varies from person to person, and isn't always "being as camp as can be".

3) If you've never done anything with another guy, all the more reason to come out. I can't overemphasise how much of a step forward it is to have a same-sex experience, of any kind, somewhere along the line of coming out to people. It's not that you can't be gay until you've scored someone of the same gender or something similarly ridiculous; more that having some actual gay experience makes the process of coming out seem less alien and terrifying.

4) You don't know how people will react? Entirely fair, but that will always be an issue. The odds are that they'll react well. College students are by and large pretty fine with people being gay. Of all the places in your life that you're likely to encounter hassle, being a fresher in NUIG (or just G now, I guess) isn't one of them. If there are people who you lose through coming out, then that absolutely sucks, but bear in mind that they're morons, and most importantly, they're people who you'd have lost somewhere along the way anyway. Most of all, remember that you're a fresher, only 4 months into your first year of college; you do have plenty of time to meet new people. Absolute worst case scenario, if you are only left with a few people, you're at a stage in life where it's really, really easy to meet more new folks. Which doesn't mean that the risk of losing people isn't scary as ****, more a reminder that there are always new people in college.

Annasopra

There is no such thing as a 'typical gay' - some gay people are extremely camp - many are not

I would suggest lgbtyouthgalway.com

GalwayGuy92

Thanks for taking the time to reply, and your advice.
I'm not going to itemize everyones comments becuase its hard to pick out specific parts that help the most but the general positivity alone has helped me and let me see that I need to accept myself first before expecting others to do so.
However Shay, it sounds great to just lose the people that as it were need to be lost and would be lost in the future anyways but that, while liberating is quite a daunting prospect.

Dwn Wth Vwls

It might be daunting, but it's well worth it. If someone is only your friend because they don't know a basic fact about you, they're not really your friend at all. Coming out will make you better friends with those who count, and make you a lot of new friends too.

You don't realise until you do it just how much it affects your interactions with people. You never really relax when you have a secret. Once you stop hiding it, you'll never want to have to hide it again.

plein de force

GalwayGuy92 wrote: »

First of all I'd just like to say hi before I ask for advice and basically moan for a bit about basically everything.

So here's the problem: I'm 17 and in college in galway, and I'm gay but I've only told two of my friends, the first was a drunken slip of the tongue and the second person I had decided (while sober) to tell. I don't know how to say this in a politically correct way or whatever so I'll just say it straight out.

I don't really want to tell people because I've seen what happens, Galway isn't huge and people talk. I don't want to be branded as the 'typical gay' because I'm not that way, but I'm afraid if people know that it will affect me. I don't want to become camp, I know your probably thinking "Well it's your own decision no one can force you to be camp" but peoples expectations do have a large impact on life and sometimes I can't help but live up to them.

On the other hand, I've never done anything with another guy and maybe it would be a relief if everyone knew and I could just get on with my life. But standing here on this side of the fence the other side looks like the end. I don't know how anyone will react, it's a hard thing to hear and I know that, I don't want to hurt anybody. (Incase I sound like I'm putting others before myself, I just don't want to be left with only a few people in my life.)

i'm 17 too and came out in the summer to everyone just before i turned 17. As it wasn't so long ago i can understand what you're going through in your mind. At first, the thought of telling my parents made me nearly physically ill due to the summersaults my stomach was doing, i didn't know what they'd say, what they'd do, what they'd think of me, if they'd treat me differently then they had beforehand. i seriously did not have an idea how they'd react, good or bad or indifferent, i had more of an idea how friends would react because they're all very open-minded and understanding, nonetheless i was still a bit apprehensive. When i finally did tell my parents i was more shocked at how well they reacted than they were shocked at me being gay. my friends all treated me no different than beforehand so that was fantastic too.

For me, it was the right decision to come out, it was the best decision i had made as it freed me, i wasn't holding this secret in anymore and i could start to develop relationships with other guys, a trimendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. For you, nobody can tell you if it's right to come out yet, you need to see where you are in life and if it's causing you unhappiness to be closeted or not and weigh up what coming out vs. not coming out's impact wil have on your life.

Yes people may talk,but if you don't let it bother you they will stop talking, if people don't accept you then more than likely it's better for you not to have them in your life in the first place. Don't be worried about being labelled "the typical gay" because if anything, everyone knows by now there is no "typical gay", the sterotype of all gay men being feminine, limp wristed and talking like a woman is being beaten back all the time by people seeing gay people being just like anyone else. Don't be worried about living up to other's expectations, sexuality doesn't hinder most life expectations.

feel free to PM me if you need any advice, i know how at a time like what you're going through, someone who has gone through the same thing to talk to is a real help

Good luck.

eagle_&_bear

I'm utterly delighted to see posts like this on the boards - its a sign of how far things have come.

I'd echo the above post, maybe a little more reservedly but Galwayguy - do things in your own time (whether its right now or next week), do things as they feel right for you to do.

It's completely correct about the lifting of the weight off your chest - totally true, just follow your gut feeling and you'll be absolutely fine.

have an e-hug and if there's anything you wanna get off your chest, PM at any stage

Boston

If you haven't seen them yet, here you go, check out these threads.

Spark Boy

92, I was in the exact same position as yerself in that i was in college in galway was gay and couldnt come out....i didn't tell a few of my mates til i was 21 and only finally came out a year ago. Looking back at college i really enjoyed it except for that part of my life, of not fully being me, of making up every excuse not to be with a girl. In my experience your need to come out is going to get stronger and in my experience you start to feel alot of anger and depression as time goes by, which is totally normal when u cant fully be yerself. From your post theres two things im picking up

1. i dont think your fully comfortable with being gay and gay people. before i came out i was totally insecure and self consious if i thought someone was gay, and i only thought like yerself everyone else was "camp" acting. not that theres anything wrong with that but every gay person is totally different. i think you need to stop seeing gay as camp or gay as a negative, you have to get to a stage that its a positive

2. For me i finally felt free about being totally gay and open when i had told about 10 of my mates as i then knew i had no more control over who knew and who didnt. once u lose that control u dont care because u realise it doesnt matter a dam... best of luck dude there are lots of people in galway in college in your predicament, yer not alone, just take it slow but in a few years ul look back and wonder what all the worrying was about

GalwayGuy92

Reading these comments really helped me and since the original post I have told more of my friends, mostly friends I have made in college but some of my old friends too. They were the hardest to tell but it didn't change anything as I had expected it would. I still haven't been able to tell everybody openly but I haven't been exactly hiding it totally either.
My parents are still a major problem though, I think they half-know/fear that I'm gay but haven't made any noise either way.
The other day when watching Gray's Anatomy, if any of you watched the last episode you know what I'm talking about, Cali's father came to the hospital to get her to 'pray away the gay' as she out it herself. While watching this (parents were present), the atmosphere in the room was like treacle, I felt as if all of us were on edge.
I want to tell them, but I'm afraid there may be some awkwardness? And I've a feeling they might start that its just your hormones rubbish...How does one even go about telling the auld pair?? I dont want to leave them to guess and wonder or to hear it from somewhere else.

Aard

GalwayGuy92 wrote: »

I want to tell them, but I'm afraid there may be some awkwardness?

If your parents are like most middle-class, Irish-catholic mammies and daddies, yes there will be awkwardness, and lots of it.


How one goes about telling them is different for everybody. Something I noticed is that people can get pretty pissed off if they hear it on the grapevine, and not from the horse's mouth. Probably the easiest way is not to make too big a deal out of it, and just say simply that you're gay. I'd avoid phrases like, "I think I'm gay," as this gives a glimmer of hope - so to speak - to them that you're just confused.

Do they actually know any gay people? If not, chances are they have some preconceived notion of what gay people act like. My parents came out with pretty horendous things when I told them (e.g. wondering if I was going to start walking down the street wearing a dress), which was totally uncharacteristic of them. The more sheltered they are, the more worried they're going to be. You'll probably have to dispell a lot of myths for them. I think the main thing is to show them that being gay doesn't dictate how you live your live. You're still the same guy from before. Parents love that kind of reassurance, trust me!

Annasopra

Aard wrote: »

If your parents are like most middle-class, Irish-catholic mammies and daddies, yes there will be awkwardness, and lots of it.


How one goes about telling them is different for everybody. Something I noticed is that people can get pretty pissed off if they hear it on the grapevine, and not from the horse's mouth. Probably the easiest way is not to make too big a deal out of it, and just say simply that you're gay. I'd avoid phrases like, "I think I'm gay," as this gives a glimmer of hope - so to speak - to them that you're just confused.

Do they actually know any gay people? If not, chances are they have some preconceived notion of what gay people act like. My parents came out with pretty horendous things when I told them (e.g. wondering if I was going to start walking down the street wearing a dress), which was totally uncharacteristic of them. The more sheltered they are, the more worried they're going to be. You'll probably have to dispell a lot of myths for them. I think the main thing is to show them that being gay doesn't dictate how you live your live. You're still the same guy from before. Parents love that kind of reassurance, trust me!

Aard is right and perhaps referring them to "parents support" is a good idea which you can find at
http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/