Just cannot understand

LegacyUser

Hi Folks, long one im afraid.

I have just spent the entire night lying awake wondering if I am missing something or if its staring me straight in the face

Bit of background met this really sweet funny guy mid last year. He was everything rolled into one.

Best bit he has a child from a previous relationship same as myself and was absolutely brilliant with my 4 year old.

Seeing each other when we could, both work, he does shifts so it wasnt always possible to meet during the week and then some weekends he had his child which meant he spent the time with him, I completely understood this so not a problem.

Only problem so far is his lack of contact, by his own admission he is crap at keeping in contact by phone or text but it started to grate on my nerves as it came across as out of sight out of mind. Several of my texts to him went unanswered.

So I said it to him, he apologised and made an effort for a week or two then back to square one but I bit my tongue because everything else was fine.

Roll onto mid Dec, wasnt sure what shifts he was working and asked when I would see him over Xmas but no reply.

Offered to take his child to see a famous person again no reply.

So after three days of silence I had enough and told him so again nothing! Bear in mind he hates being rejected and his way of dealing with it is to ignore it and hope it goes away.

So just before Xmas I was suspicious I was pregnant, had a gut feeling for a couple of weeks but hoped I wasnt. It was too soon and I wasnt happy with how the relationship was going.

Turns out I was, my pill had failed after I took antibiotics for two weeks for a chronic sinus infection.

I felt every emotion, shock, devastation and somewhere in the middle a little bit of happiness.

So he gets told and he reacts by Silence.

Doesnt ring, doesnt text just vanishes.

So I panic, I cant afford a new baby either emotionally or financially and it looks like he doesnt want to know so I tell him Im having a termination.

Again nothing.

So as much as I really dont want to but deep down feel its for the best I have it, I didnt feel I could force him to become a father anymore than I would like it to be forced on me.

Had a few problems after but thankfully all seems well now. Physically anyway, mentally its going to take a lot longer.

So after its all done he contacts me to apologise, explains he was shocked, scared and acted like a coward.

Very genuine couldnt do enough for me which I was glad of because only three people know what the story was.

Spent the last two weeks in constant contact, he called to see me and all my feelings for him came rushing back. I know he behaved badly, he knows it and the guilt is killing him.

So I sent him a text on Sat night and told him how I felt and if he felt the same did he want to try again.

He rang me and said he would call last night and talk face to fact.

Last night was lovely, had a take away, good chat and watched films until 5am.

Then he says he has to go this is where the confusion sets in.

He told me he fancies me something rotten, he cares about me more than anybody pointed out how well I treat him and how caring I am towards him but that he cant be with me because he is terrified of hurting me again!

Then he leaves and texts to say I deserve better and Im too good for him etc.

I dont get it surely all those points are the basis for a good relationship.

I feel he is genuine but it comes across as he is either letting fear rule his life and genuinely afraid of hurtingm me but on the other hand I feel its an excuse.

Any opinions would be really appreciated as I am totally head wrecked with it all

How Strange

You could analyse this until the cows come home and we'd never really know why he acts like this.

All I'll say to you is this guy is not good for you. His childish feckless carry on regarding keeping a relationship going is one thing but dumping you when pregnant and leaving you to have an abortion alone is IMO unforgivable.

OP, at the risk of sounding harsh here, take a look at yourself and ask why you're allowing yourself to be treated so badly by this guy. You really need to ask why you're putting yourself back out there for more of the same. I understand you may be lonely etc and you may still have strong feelings for him but you'll never get much from him and you'll wreck your own head in the meantime. This guy isn't going to change.

Move on and forget about him. Cut contact, change your phone number. Do whatever you need to do to distance yourself from him. It will be tough but it's most certainly not impossible.

Taltos

You said all thru your thread that he is a genuine guy.
So why do you think he is not being genuine when he tells you that you are too good for him.

If you don't want to take him at his word - then take him at his actions.
Move on - try to forget about him - as until he grows up - you know you are only in for more and more of the same here. - Not replying - not being there for you when you need him - no matter what.

Chalk it down to experience. You need a partner who will be there for you thru thick and thin - not an emu with their head buried in the sand whenever the crap hits the fan.

ManOfMystery

OP, I would move on. Perhaps this guy's intentions are good - now - but he really sounds like he doesn't know if he's coming or going, and this is the type of person who will just wear you down.

I agree with the posters above - leaving you when you were pregnant and alone, and then having you suffer an abortion on your own, that's unforgiveable. This is not a confused teenager, he's a grown man who has already been through the process of having a child with a partner before, the first-time shock factor should not be that severe that it causes him to run away!

Of course it's easy for him to come back now and ask for forgiveness once the deed is done.

Bonito

You'll be thinking and tearing yourself up for a lot more nights to come OP.

If I sound harsh I apologise. There's no baby on the way, he has his and you have yours, you barely see or speak to each other but when you do it does be good.

Unfortunately it seems to me your relationship with him has peaked here and with so little time and contact to each other I feel you wont be able to move forward with each other. You've no baggae with him Op and he's made clear he wants you to move on so I think you're best to go about yours and your childs lives and get on with things.

Otherwise, you could be waiting forever on him.

daisybelle2008

Wow. You have really put this guy on a pedestal he doesn't deserve. You have a totally different perspective on the relationship than he does.
His actions are absolutely telling you he is not interested. You have to accept that and not create a different scenario in your head.

You not accepting that he does not want to be with you send him a message that you are a bit desperate, will put up with any **** and don't value yourself enough to tell him to f*ck off. Not only are you rolling over, you are actually hoping he will change his mind and come back to you after he has been a grade a arsehole and you are even making excuses for his appalling behaviour.

He does not like rejection and does not want to hurt you?? Boo Hoo. Next.
Really, learn to value yourself more than this moronic immature excuse for a man. Actually I shouldn't be so hard on him after all you are the one letting him act like this in your headspace.
Nothing about what you said about him is a good basis for a relationship. So he is funny and sweet at times? yeah so are most of the people I know.
Are they relationship material is a different yardstick altogether, that is the reliability, trust and security measurement. A much more important.
Jeez he is not even casual aquaintence material.

nesbitt

Sorry you have been through so much in the past few months. It is easy to say move on but you will have to have support to do this...

Firstly please consider having some post abortion councelling, totally confidential service, just look up your golden pages and have a chat and book an apointment you will get treated with kind, helpful respect and should benefit greatly emotionally from talking to a trained adviser. You must talk about this with someone and you may rightly not want to confide in some of your friends/family/aquaintances.

I'm glad that you are okay physically and suffered no complications with the abortion. You have a child so you need to stay strong for you and them. Laying awake at night when you work and are a Mam will take its toll so mind yourself.

Secondly try to be objective about the romance and the guy. Emotions cloud good judgement, people can be lonely and not make good choices when it comes to dating. In my opinion his lack of contact by text, phone and in person should tell you that he was not serious about pursuing an ongoing relationship with you. His contact after your abortion could have been out of guilt and shame....

Please get councelling, look after yourself, your child and your job.

Easy to say but you must forget this guy and move on.

LegacyUser

OP, I'll be blunt here.

NO-ONE breaks up with someone or refuses the chance of a relationship with someone they are supposedly mad about because 'they are afraid of hurting them again'

It doesn't happen, translated what it actually means is 'I know I will hurt you again' -he is not as mad about you as he is saying but he is trying to get a little bit all the same without having to commit.

This mans actions twords you are unforgivable and you can rationalise them to yourself till the cows come home but deep down you know. He doesn't really care, he can take it or leave it.

I know this is hard to hear but this is your HEART and LIFE thats at stake here.

Dump him and move on, bullet dodged. If someone loves you they show it with their consistant actions NOT their lukewarm words.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think he's just not that into you. He enjoys you being mad about him, he enjoys being thought of as a great guy who's good with your child, but he just doesn't love you.

After his behavour when you were pregnant I don't think you should trust him. That was horrific, doesn't matter that he was honest with you after. Some things don't deserve forgivness.

LegacyUser

I believe we find out a person's true nature when in crisis.

You really needed him, you were going through something incredibly scaring and stressful - life changing stuff, something that he contributed to. He SHOULD have been there to support you, one way or another. But he just left you to get on with it! This shows how selfish he is. Yes I get that people make mistakes, and he was scared, confused but by heck so were you! All you got from him was stoney silence. Having been there I know just how hurtful and disrespectful it feels when someone couldn't even have the decency to answer a very important text, it sends the message that they couldn't give a shíte.

I think you should stop torturing yourself with the whys. Sometimes people aren't as great as we first thought they were. If hes willing to just give you silence over the major things in life, then what about the next time you have a fight? Will he just disappear, give you silence instead of working on it?

He's right about one thing though, you do deserve better!

Just imagine if one of your close friends or sister told you that they were pregnant and the guy was treating them how you were treated by this guy. You'd tell them he was no good for them and that they deserve better! And so do you!

kenbrady

ConfusedIRL wrote: »

So he gets told and he reacts by Silence.

Doesnt ring, doesnt text just vanishes.

So I panic, I cant afford a new baby either emotionally or financially and it looks like he doesnt want to know so I tell him Im having a termination.

Again nothing.

It's crystal clear he doesn't want to know.
He abandoned you, when you were at your most vulnerable.
The guy doesn't care for you and is a childish coward.
You need to understand he is not your only hope and you deserve better.
You will easily find someone, who is more of a man than him, will have more respect and loyality towards you.

LegacyUser

OP Please listen to what people are saying, i was in this exact same position last April. It's uncanny it could have been me writing this story.
All was rosy until i told him i was pregnant, i was met with a stony wall and him telling me he couldn't be a father cos it would "Mess up his plans"...
Anyway, i went through with the abortion. While he cheated on me and left me to deal with it completely alone. Only texting once afterwards to check if i'd actually gone thru with it.
A few weeks later he actually came crawling back to say he was so sorry etc. etc. (Because the other girl had left him)
I'm not trying to make your story my story, if you were registered i'd PM you.
My heart goes out to you it really does. He's nothing but a sh** and the farther away you stay for him the better you'll be.
I will say one thing - really make sure you know what you want before you get the termination. Whatever you do decide in the end, you are better off without him screwing with your head and your emotions in this way.
Take care of yourself x x x

LegacyUser

Sorry OP, just re-read your post again and you've gone thru with it and came out the other side.
It does take a while but in my opinion, ok he seems like he cares now that it's all over and done with, but if you had gone thru with the pregnancy you probably wouldn't see him for dust.
He didn't care enough to be around when you needed him and really, what kind of a future does that leave you with?

Miss Fluff

ConfusedIRL wrote: »

Any opinions would be really appreciated as I am totally head wrecked with it all

My over-riding opinion would be is that he sounds like a using twat and that you have had a very lucky escape. Don't fall into the trap of making excuses for him. He hasn't had the courtesy to keep in touch with you. You told him you were carrying his child and he ignored you. And then remained AWOL until it suited him to come back into your life (albeit for a few hours). You are lucky he did this now rather than when you are depending on him to share the responsibility of bringing up a child together. He sounds toxic, do yourself a favour and have nothing more to do with him.