When are you planning to get married?

Is anyone else sick of hearing this question?
It seems every time they get a chance my relatives are asking me who I have my eye on, who I'm with, when am I going to get married, when will I have the little ones. Christ, I'm only 20!
My mother is the worst. She insists I have to do something before I'm 25, so she can meet all of my kids. I know that's a reasonable enough reason but I'm not even sure I'll have a stable source of income at 25. Not to mention you need someone of the opposite sex to do all that; I hardly ever look at guys. I'm just not at that stage yet. I have things I want to do before I tie myself down.
Not that getting married and having a family is a bad thing - I have considered it. But if it doesn't happen I wouldn't be bothered either. It's not a priority for me.
Of course everyone around me says it's 'for my own good' and I'll 'have someone to take care of me'. Last time I checked, I was pretty damn good at taking care of myself. Not to mention having a family just so someone can take care of me feels like leeching to me.

Has anyone else experienced similar pressures? What's your take on this sort of thing?

minidazzler

If I am married before I am 30, I will be disappointed in myself!

Though, TBH, if I did happen to fall in love and wanted to get married, I would only have one real rule around it.

Open bar!

The getting married thing wouldn't bother me as long as her personality complemented my own and I still got to do alot of what I want to!

Now, kids, THAT is something that will take some real responsibility so that is one thing I can never answer, if I have kids, it's likely they will all be (happy*????) accidents.


*Happy as long as I am over 27.

DancingDaisy

I get this quite a bit from some of my Grandparents. Now in fairness I'm in a long-term relationship, and I'm living in sin, which they don't particularly like, but I'm only 22/23. You would think that they'd want me to see life a bit first. I think a little bit of it is that they want a wedding to plan though... and sadly, when I do get married, if I get married, it will be small and simple and require very very little planning...

I really do think it's an age thing. At our age most of our Grandparents and even some of our parents were already married or engaged. We do so at a much later stage of life than they are used to.

On the kids aspect, my mother recently asked me to make sure to have them at a young enough age that she can enjoy them, which gives me about another 7 or 8 years, I hope. Not sure I want any though. I love being responsible for myself alone, and I'm unsure if it would be fair to have children in the lifestyle I want for myself.

rainbow kirby

It'd be nice if that was a legal possibility in this country. :mad:

jellie

wow, thats a lot of pressure for 20!

im 25, single and still living at home if my mothers worried about me shes never let on! i worry enough about myself, dont think id cope with any extra pressure.

sure at 25 ive plenty of time for all that stuff, at 20 you have absolutely nothing to worry about at all!

Novella

minidazzler wrote: »

If I am married before I am 30, I will be disappointed in myself!

Though, TBH, if I did happen to fall in love and wanted to get married, I would only have one real rule around it.

Open bar!

The getting married thing wouldn't bother me as long as her personality complemented my own and I still got to do alot of what I want to!

Now, kids, THAT is something that will take some real responsibility so that is one thing I can never answer, if I have kids, it's likely they will all be (happy*????) accidents.


*Happy as long as I am over 27.

Why 27????
I honestly never understand how people can come up with these extreme ideas in their heads of how their lives should work.

You don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. You could meet someone and fall head over heels in love. In a year, or two years, or in five years, you might have an "accident". You can't guarantee that it wouldn't be happy, or that it wouldn't be the best thing to ever happen to you just because it didn't happen the way you'd planned.

So I don't know when I'm going to get married, if I ever do. I'm 20 now and don't have a boyfriend so it won't be anytime soon but who knows? I don't have a life map in my head, no idea where I'm going and thankfully, feel no pressure from anyone to change my relationship status.

minidazzler

Novella wrote: »

Why 27????
I honestly never understand how people can come up with these extreme ideas in their heads of how their lives should work.

Arbitrary number really, but kids before then would suck for me I think. It could happen and if it does, I would do the responsible thing, but before then, I am gonna be the shameless child I am and just use life for fun rather than anything serious!

Chinafoot

I'm one of these people that has certain ages in mind for things...

Ideally I want 2 kids and I would like the first one before i'm 30. This is so that when my kids are finished college and in the working world I will only be in my mid 50s and can still enjoy my life. I see it with my parents now, I'm the youngest at 26 and my mam is 53 and my dad is 55. Again though, it's "ideally"..if it doesn't happen I won't be devastated.

Marriage isn't a requirement for me (although it would be nice at some point) but a house and kids is.

I do get the question a lot. I'm 26 and in a long term relationship and we're at the age where lots of people we know are taking that next step. There's no rush though

krudler

I'm 28, 29 in September, and now I'm getting asked this by relatives, been with my gf for just over 2 years, early days yet, way i figure it you'd have to at least live together for a year or two, that could make or break a relationship. I dont wanna put a time schedule on these things though, we have talked about it in a not really serious but what if kinda way and we're both pretty spot on with our attitudes towards marriage and babies and all that, so thats a good starting point I reckon she's only 24 though so bit of an age gap, will see how it goes

Das Kitty

I was never once asked this. Even though I was with my OH 8 years before we got engaged. Either I have a rep as some form of sharp tongued cow in my family or they all just assumed it was never going to happen and were afraid to ask!

Getting that kind of guff at 20 is a bit extreme OP.

Maple

I get the "no sign of you settling down anytime soon is there?" question when i'm down home and bump into people I used be friendly with or whenever i meet a large bunch of my extended family.

I was at home over the Christmas for an extended holiday and I honestly felt like a bit of a social leper by the time I was due to come back to Dublin. Thankfully I snapped right out of that by the time I'd put the key in the front door.

My answer depends on the rudeness with which the question is asked.

Quackles

I never really got asked that.. in fairness, I didn't give them much chance Met my husband at 20, married at 24. I did the "when are you having another?" after we left 3.5 years between our kids, though. I would have thought that was a fairly reasonable gap!

Snowie

when i meet the woman thats right for me !

putting an aim, on an age when im going to get hitched is a bit mad I mean tbh i fear getting married... I fear marrying some great lady that turns into the ice queen from hell.

But i dont think that will happen....

Just a bit mad really

Dublin141

I have the opposite problem! I'm pregnant with our fifth child and we're planning on getting married in October but everyone seems horrified about it. My own mother keeps saying why fix something if it isn't broken and things like that. They all love my partner, they just think marriage is a bad thing. I always did too in fairness, but we feel like it's the right time for us now. I'm getting tired of people saying everyone I know has been divorced or is in an unhappy marriage. It's not like I haven't used that excuse myself in the past.

People have very different ideas of what is good and bad, right and wrong. My brother's girlfriend keeps getting pressured by her mother to have a baby while my mother keeps pressuring her NOT to have a baby yet. I remember when I was about 18, one of my older friends had just had her first baby and her mother asked me when I was having one. People are bizarre. A nun recently asked me why I didn't get married before I had kids but that was a bit different.

Larianne

kyedhen.female wrote: »

Is anyone else sick of hearing this question?
It seems every time they get a chance my relatives are asking me who I have my eye on, who I'm with, when am I going to get married, when will I have the little ones. Christ, I'm only 20!
My mother is the worst. She insists I have to do something before I'm 25, so she can meet all of my kids. I know that's a reasonable enough reason but I'm not even sure I'll have a stable source of income at 25. Not to mention you need someone of the opposite sex to do all that; I hardly ever look at guys. I'm just not at that stage yet. I have things I want to do before I tie myself down.
Not that getting married and having a family is a bad thing - I have considered it. But if it doesn't happen I wouldn't be bothered either. It's not a priority for me.
Of course everyone around me says it's 'for my own good' and I'll 'have someone to take care of me'. Last time I checked, I was pretty damn good at taking care of myself. Not to mention having a family just so someone can take care of me feels like leeching to me.

Has anyone else experienced similar pressures? What's your take on this sort of thing?

That's a horrible lot of pressure to be put under!! I've never once had it said to me. Oh well maybe once, but I didn't take any heed.

Next time someone asks you "When are you planning to get married?" reply with "When are you planning to have your next sh!t?" (Heard that from an Aussie DJ who was pissed off with people asking when was she gonna have a baby. I think it works well in this instance too. )

chocgirl

I've never been asked this either, thank God.

20? Way too young to have any pressure like that, I'd tell them where to go if I was you!

Bubblefett

I've two sisters, 8 and 11 years older than me- both met their OH at 19, engaged 21, married by 22 and first kid at 23/24

I am 22, long term boyfriend and no intention of getting married for at least 5years (still got a lot of thing i want to do by myself-college, work etc) but i do see it happening down the line

My mother (very old fashioned proper lady) was so disapointed when I didn't get the "traditional" gold watch for my 21 from my OH like my sisters :rolleyes: (the traditional last gift your meant to give a girl before you propose for those who don't know... i got a PS3 instead )- she's accepted it now though

Didn't help though that my oldest friend, daughter of her best friend and the same age as me, announced her engagement last summer, and she's been with her boyfriend for a year less than me and mine

phic

I feel your pain OP! I'm 19 and have only been single for a few months and already my parents and co-workers have started telling me I need to find a man soon!! I originally thought they were joking, but after a woman I work with gave me tips on how to dress to attract a husband I realised they're not!
I'm just ignoring them though, no chance of me doing anything mad like that for at least 10 years!

RacoonQueen

rainbow kirby wrote: »

It'd be nice if that was a legal possibility in this country. :mad:

Do you still not get any sort of rights if you get married abroad where it is legal? or are you still considered 'single' when it comes to tax, buying houses etc?

Sad that in 2010 our country is still run around the catholic church. :rolleyes:

rainbow kirby

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Do you still not get any sort of rights if you get married abroad where it is legal? or are you still considered 'single' when it comes to tax, buying houses etc?

No recognition of civil partnerships or marriages abroad, that's really what the KAL case was about.

Hopefully the civil partnership law will go through, but the proposed bill is very, very limited.

iguana2005

marriage doesnt happen to everyone! Am 36 and still single! Can you imagine MY mother:)

wouldnt let her put that pressure on you - its a very irish catholic kinda mind that would drive me NUTS!!

Go away and travel broaden the mind

Good luck

mollybird

well me and my OH are 30 and i been getting it a bit from my gran the past few years when am i getting a day out etc etc. now it seems he is getting it from him mum. she keeps asking him when is he going out shopping for jewelry?? so will prob be this year we get engaged and def be married within two years. can't wait.:) wasn't easy seeing lots of people i know get engaged last year.

Pretty_Pistol

My parents were both in their 30's when they got married so they say the opposite of what the OP's mother is saying. They tell me to travel/ experience as much as possible in my 20's before (if) I settle down. I've no intention of settling down anytime soon so it works out well for me. I'd hate if they did put any of that sort of pressure on me.

Greentopia

I agree with what others have said that 20 is far too young to have to think about marriage nowadays. I haven't got married and I never want to either.
I don't want kids either as I don't want the responsibility and I'm not very maternal anyway I think.
My nearest family is only my mum and she knows better by now than to nag me it as she knows and respects (I think!) my decisions (I'm very firm about it) and very few of my friends are married or have kids. Most are in relationships though, many living together-I refuse to call it "living in sin" as
a. we're not living in the 50's and
b. I'm not Catholic :P
but then myself and most of my friends are artists/craftspeople who tend to lead unconventional lives anyway. It's great, if you ignore what society expects you to do it frees you up to live your life the way you really want to
Not that there's anything wrong with settling down and having kids if that's the path you choose, but being pressurised into doing so because it's what the mammy or your friends or the wider society expects is BS in my opinion.
Anyway there's no way I could only ever want to sleep with the one person for the rest of my life, I like the freedom to see who I want and do/travel where I want without answering to anyone. If I do meet someone and fall in love great! but in the meantime I'm enjoying meeting people and having fun.
And that's my advice to the OP. Have fun, party, see the world, educate yourself further if that's what you want- enjoy life.
There's plenty of time for kids and settling down.

Tinkerbell09

daft.. they ask you when you are getting married, yet would act all horrified if you frogmarched your bloke into a jewellers.

im 35 and by now, they have got fed up askin:D

Malari

I've never had that kind of pressure from my parents. They respect my choices.

I don't want to get married and neither does my boyfriend. His parents drop unsubtle hints all the time though.

It might happen one day but I don't feel any urgency. No kids either, and that's a definite

Beruthiel

kyedhen.female wrote: »

My mother is the worst. She insists I have to do something before I'm 25, so she can meet all of my kids. I know that's a reasonable enough reason

No it's not. It's an incredibly unreasonable and selfish reason!
No parent should every put any kind of expectations like that on their kids.
Do what you think is right for you and don't be afraid to tell her that's what you are doing.

shivvyban

Been engaged for two years and hoping to get married at the end of this year/next year, depending on money and us agreeing on a plan of action!

princess-lala

Ill get married when I find a man

At 25 even thinking about weddings and babies is scary enough for me, my brother got married at 26 and I thought he was mad!

Jemmy

jellie wrote: »

wow, thats a lot of pressure for 20!

im 25, single and still living at home if my mothers worried about me shes never let on! i worry enough about myself, dont think id cope with any extra pressure.

sure at 25 ive plenty of time for all that stuff, at 20 you have absolutely nothing to worry about at all!

Agreed, 20 and getting asked that is madness...altho my mother was married and had me at 20! Different in their day, as I'm always reminded!

I'm the same as Jellie, 24 at home with the parents and no OH. I'll get married when I'm good and ready and not before! My parents would never ask that kinda thing, they tell me to go off enjoy myself travel see the world and when the time comes it comes, don't settle before I'm ready. My dad travelled and saw alot going abroad with the army but my mother was stuck at home with me while he was away serving, so that's their reasoning for telling me to get out there and enjoy life before settling.

My granny who is going a lil bit mad in her old age tells me I'll be getting married by the end of the year though! lol

bills

yes i do get this question, probably cause im with the OH 8 years. Do feel under pressure at this stage but we are not in any rush. When it happens, it happens.

MissIT

I don't think i'll ever have that kind of pressure from my parents thank god. My dad has never been married and has no intention of ever being married. My mam got married 3 years ago and she was 35.

I do dream about getting married but there are things I want to do first. Im 20 now and don't see myself getting married until my 30's.. but who knows

Kya1976

I was with my ex for about 10 years and I never got hassled to get married from my side of the family. He on the other hand, which comes from a fairly strict catholic background got hassled all the time, especially from his mom.

When we finally did get married(after 7 years together) we did it in secret, broke his moms heart. I was 30 when I got married.

Nevyn

Never, if it happens it happens if it doesn't I am not going to be put out by it nor do I have it on a list of goals.

Walls

No one has ever asked me this. Ever.

I have wondered to myself, but really only when I met someone did I think marriage was a possiblity. Anything else seemed presumptive.

Thomas828

When an I planning to get married? I'm not. My father has never even mentioned the possibility of me getting married. My mother is a bit annoyed that I haven't sired any children, but at the end of the day she just wants me to be happy. And I am happy to be single.

SpaceBlaze

I've never been asked this question, strangely enough all my and my OHs family just have taken it as a given. Our friends have all booked there positions in our wedding, whos bestman, whos bridemaids etc. Even my OHs grandparents have talked about it though we have never actually express any intention of marrying.
I know this may sound extremely cheesy but, admittedly, I knew soon after I met he that I wanted to marry him and he felt exactly the same. Guess it must have been pretty obvious to our families too. We have managed to be sensible though and hold off for several years, pretty sure this year is the year. So think everyone will just be delighted to finally get the big party they have been expecting for a while.
I really think once you find the right person it doesn't really matter what age you are, as a fellow poster said all these crazy notions of what age you have kids and get married, your feelings on these could all change the minute you meet 'the one'. People should just go with the flow

beks101

Jesus, where are we, the 1950s?

I've never, not once been asked this question and think I would laugh if I was. I'd say most people doing the asking are either of another generation where people commonly got married at eighteen or have this small town mentality that you should be married with kids by your early twenties, coz what else are you going to do with your life?

No offence intended, I mean obviously best-laid-plans and whatnot...you can't help when you meet the love of your life, but thinking about my wedding at this age (and I'm 24) is about as natural as thinking about my own funeral.

Granted I'm single and my parents didn't get hitched til their early thirties after all the career and travel stuff was sorted, had kids mid-30s and I'd be pretty happy with the same set-up.

There's an interesting, if slightly OT perspective...do you think the age your parents met each other and got married has a bearing on your own attitude to when it happens for you? Mine definitely does.

nicegirl

Maybe when I am about 35, or so! Can't say exactly when, as I would need to meet someone first! I'm fairly independant myself, so am happy out at the moment

Barracudaincork

maple wrote: »

I get the "no sign of you settling down anytime soon is there?" question .

I used to reply, "God no, i value myself to much to settle down, i plan on only ever settling up, itsnt it a shame more people dont value themselves like I do, oh not that im saying you dont of course, or that you settled for *insert name* im sure you are happy and will be forever, but you know each to their own and all" all said with a smug smile on my face. It generally shuts them up!

DD

Dublin141 wrote: »

I have the opposite problem! I'm pregnant with our fifth child and we're planning on getting married in October but everyone seems horrified about it.

5th child, wow, that's something. Can I ask how old are you? I think it is good to have kids under 30, I have experienced this seeing my friends. Some of them have 2 kids and they are 30 and one of my friends have twins at 36. I was joking telling them that by the time the kids will go to school they will be so old. Kids will ask at school if grandpa is coming to pick them up again.:)

Anyway, congratulations for the pregnancy and all the best,
D

DD

bills wrote: »

yes i do get this question, probably cause im with the OH 8 years. Do feel under pressure at this stage but we are not in any rush. When it happens, it happens.

I was with my ex bf for 8 years and we wanted to things started to change. Eventually we broke up and I am waiting again for another 8 years hope not

McChubbin

It's amazing how everything changes depending on your social status. Right now, as a single lady, I have very little interest in taking a trip up the isle but when I was in a relationship, my mind was awash with visions of merangue dresses and matching cubberbunds.

*shudder*

If I *ever* become striken with dementia and decide to take the plunge, it's Vegas or nothing.

Sparks

Walls wrote: »

No one has ever asked me this. Ever.

Well, technically, you were asked.
Several times.
For years.
By my mother.
Albiet by proxy.
(this, by the way ladies, is why we don't call our mothers more often).

Webmonkey

Doubt I'll ever get married. I don't see the point in it really. Makes things much more complicated if things do go wrong later.

Then again that might all change further down the line...

sorrywhat

I am not sure.

Im with my bf 7 years and if he asked me today I would be very shocked. I would ask him to keep the ring for another while as I am not ready yet.

There is so much I want to do before I want to deal with having the expense of a wedding above my head.

I am happy at the moment, I dont need an expense day to prove that.

I will get married but when Im good and ready.

mood

kyedhen.female wrote: »

Is anyone else sick of hearing this question?
It seems every time they get a chance my relatives are asking me who I have my eye on, who I'm with, when am I going to get married, when will I have the little ones. Christ, I'm only 20!
My mother is the worst. She insists I have to do something before I'm 25, so she can meet all of my kids. I know that's a reasonable enough reason but I'm not even sure I'll have a stable source of income at 25. Not to mention you need someone of the opposite sex to do all that; I hardly ever look at guys. I'm just not at that stage yet. I have things I want to do before I tie myself down.
Not that getting married and having a family is a bad thing - I have considered it. But if it doesn't happen I wouldn't be bothered either. It's not a priority for me.
Of course everyone around me says it's 'for my own good' and I'll 'have someone to take care of me'. Last time I checked, I was pretty damn good at taking care of myself. Not to mention having a family just so someone can take care of me feels like leeching to me.

Has anyone else experienced similar pressures? What's your take on this sort of thing?

How can people expect anyone to be 'planning to get married' when they are single! It's not like deciding to buy shoes/car/house.

Clare Bear

I can't believe you are getting that pressure at 20!! Get out there and travel and experience the world, don't mind your family! I'm 28 and I've never had this kind of pressure from my parents Thank God. My brother gets it a lot worse than me, I think it's because he's a farmer and only son and my mother thinks if he doesn't get a wife he'll live a lonely life, he's only 30 so I don't know why she's so worried about him, he's not past it yet :rolleyes: My sister got married at my age and has 3 kids so maybe the pressure is off me for that reason.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we don't get any pressure from his parents either even though he's an only child and his parents are quite elderly. The worst pressure we get is from friends of his for some reason, I have no idea why some of them are like that because none of them are engaged. We get it every time we see a few of them. Just laugh it off really, the way he talks he'll proabably propose this year or next year but I really don't care either way. We're happy the way we are. We'll marry some day, when we're ready.

Babies, now that's a whole different story! :pac:

MeerKat17

My parents are the total opposite! They do not want me to get married or have babies for a long time, perhaps ever, if they had their way...but I'm the youngest so I think they still see me as their baby, sad and all as that is!!
I'm with my boyfriend for two years now, we've been living together for just over a year and a half, somedays I'd love us to get married, other days I'm not so sure... I think if he proposed tomorrow I'd ask him to wait until I was completely sure it was the right thing to do...I think my parents are right, I'm far too young to get married yet! That stuff's for grown ups!

LadyMayBelle

I'm 27, and with my boy for 4.5 years. We both decided to go back to college and get careers etc before we made any decisions about weddings/buying a house/having babies, so we could get that out of the way. So I guess I would like to be married when I'm 30 ish. Not ready at all yet!!

Don't get direst pressure as such, because being in college studying is a priority and people see that, but the odd time me mam comes out with 'hints' about when, and where and why not, not to mentioned babies!! Almost all (if not all) of her friends children (who would be my age now and younger) are either married and/or have a bunch of kids so she feels a bit left out, the only one not being called Granny!!! She does get a bit insulted when I say I want to out my career first for now anyway.

Funny, mams.

Dublin141

DD wrote: »

5th child, wow, that's something. Can I ask how old are you? I think it is good to have kids under 30, I have experienced this seeing my friends. Some of them have 2 kids and they are 30 and one of my friends have twins at 36. I was joking telling them that by the time the kids will go to school they will be so old. Kids will ask at school if grandpa is coming to pick them up again.:)

Anyway, congratulations for the pregnancy and all the best,
D

I'm almost 27. I had twins and the others close together in my 20's partly because I figured it will be easier for me to get back into employment in my late 20's/early 30's than it would in my mid 40's had I chosen to work then have kids then work again. I know a lot of women who have had problems with this and I had a chance to do things differently so I did. Early menopause runs in my family so I felt the pressure of that too but most importantly I really enjoy being a young Mammy.