I'm going to be called shallow for this!

LegacyUser

Okay first off, yes I know this i s a pretty trivial problem compared to what other people have been posting, I just need to rant, so i'm sorry if this comes across as the shallowest post ever!

Have been going out with my bf for five and a half years, problem is....he has not had a haircut in over a year, his hair is almost as long as mine! I'm talking past the shoulder! it's ridiculous! he has always had longish hair never girly long though, just a bit messy which I liked.

This really long hair though is just such a turn off for me, I can barely look at him during sex, it gets in my eyes and its just really annoying! (sorry for that image !)

I said it to him "oh ya know your hair is almost as long as mine...maybe a trim is needed" he said "eh no can't be bothered" I said "do you like your hair like this ? is this why you are not cutting it?" and he said " no, just could not be bothered going to the hairdressers" .
I just said then "please just go to the hair dressers" and he never went ....I gotta say I'm going crazy.


This could be coupled with the fact that he has put on weight since we started going out, its like he has turned into a completely different person physically and honestly I don't know what to do! Its resulting in me just not wanting sex ..I just can't get turned on...

i mean If my legs are hairy he has no hesitation in saying to me "jaysus shave your legs!" whats the difference.

Need advice, tell me if I am being a complete idiot over this.

AnonoBoy

Buy him a voucher for a hairdressers.

martdalto

Buy him a razor.
He can either do it himself then, or you can do it for him.

Make it out like you're doing him a favour!
Argos have razors from about €20+

Eve_Dublin

You´ve been going out with this guy for 5 years...just tell him to go and get his hair chopped or you´re not sleeping with him (in a serious jokey kind of way but more of the serious than the jokey and get it across that you mean it)...you tried Mrs. Nice-Lady, now it´s time to pull out the Big Guns. It´s not as if he actually likes his hair that way, it´s down to pure laziness. Asking him to get his hair cut after a year is not like asking him to loose weight. It would take all of 15 minutes. This is what happens in long-term relationships; people take each other for granted and get complacent. I think you owe it to the other person to at least try and look attractive.

The weight thing is another issue completely and I´m undecided on what my opinion is on that one.

LegacyUser

hahahaha ya Id buy him a voucher but he is gettin all moody and sensitive about it "oh stop nagging me about my hair" and all this, he is quite touchy about it which I don't understand

I said already that I'd cut it but he is not having it! Oh I just don't know! Is this what happens to people in relationships, they think ..oh I have gf/bf now I don't need to care what I look like anymore.

I ought to stop shaving and wearing make up as a retaliation perhaps start wearing a brown potato sack and torn old white underpants

Miss Fluff

I'd actually tell him you find it a massive turn off. And I'd use those words too.

krudler

Thats not shallow at all, letting yourself go is a big no no for me in a relationship, i certainly wouldnt do it, theres nothing wrong with growing your hair longer for a change but just letting it get out of hand for sheer laziness is a warning sign imo, as you said, dont shave your legs for a few weeks and see how quickly he'll change his tune about personal appearance. You've asked nicely and made it clear you dont find it attractive anymore, so short of grabbing a pair of scissors and doing it yourself when hes asleep its on him as to whether he wants to help

ManOfMystery

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

You´ve been going out with this guy for 5 years...just tell him to go and get his hair chopped or you´re not sleeping with him (in a serious jokey kind of way but more of the serious than the jokey and get it across that you mean it)...you tried Mrs. Nice-Lady, now it´s time to pull out the Big Guns. It´s not as if he actually likes his hair that way, it´s down to pure laziness. Asking him to get his hair cut after a year is not like asking him to loose weight. It would take all of 15 minutes. This is what happens in long-term relationships; people take each other for granted and get complacent. I think you owe it to the other person to at least try and look attractive.

The weight thing is another issue completely and I´m undecided on what my opinion is on that one.

Withholding sex has been suggested on many other threads on here and never works. Men are not dogs who get sex as a 'reward' for cutting their hair, or behaving, or whatever. In an adult relationship you should be able to sort issues out without this type of adult-child treatment.

OP, I suggest you be quite frank with your boyfriend and tell him that the long hair is doing him no favours. Ask him how he would feel if you shaved your head, would he still find you as attractive?

For what it's worth, I don't think you're shallow. We are attracted to our partners for a reason, and if a partner suddenly loses interest in maintaining their appearance, puts on weight etc, then it's only natural that the attraction may fade. It would be shallow if you dumped him over that, but obviously you're not at that stage - you just want him to look after himself.

LegacyUser

"theres nothing wrong with growing your hair longer for a change but just letting it get out of hand for sheer laziness is a warning sign imo" (sorry I don't know how to do that quotes thing)

Hey Krudler, a warning sign of what? This is what I'm wondering as well, is he trying to make some sort of point? but in a very backwards way?

Eve_Dublin

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Withholding sex has been suggested on many other threads on here and never works. Men are not dogs who get sex as a 'reward' for cutting their hair, or behaving, or whatever. In an adult relationship you should be able to sort issues out without this type of adult-child treatment.

OP, I suggest you be quite frank with your boyfriend and tell him that the long hair is doing him no favours. Ask him how he would feel if you shaved your head, would he still find you as attractive?

For what it's worth, I don't think you're shallow. We are attracted to our partners for a reason, and if a partner suddenly loses interest in maintaining their appearance, puts on weight etc, then it's only natural that the attraction may fade. It would be shallow if you dumped him over that, but obviously you're not at that stage - you just want him to look after himself.

My post above was badly phrased as I´m sure she enjoys sex as much as him when he´s looking decent (I don´t like when it´s suggested that sex is a male thing that women can bargain with, so I take back how I phrased the post above) but as others have said tell him that you CAN´T have sex with him as you find his hair a turn-off.

Barracudaincork

Just tell him to get off his ar$e and get it cut, end of! Tell him the truth about how much it turns you off. Dont hold back in how much you dont like it, the only reason he hasnt cut it is because he is lazy not because he likes it.

Dont withhold sex, you are belittling sex and your sex life by doing this!

Now if the above failed and a tube of immac was "accidently" mixed with his conditioner...........................

Eve_Dublin

ahhhhhhhhhh wrote: »

"theres nothing wrong with growing your hair longer for a change but just letting it get out of hand for sheer laziness is a warning sign imo" (sorry I don't know how to do that quotes thing)

Hey Krudler, a warning sign of what? This is what I'm wondering as well, is he trying to make some sort of point? but in a very backwards way?

Krudler can only speculate. Who knows OP. I think it´s a sign that he´s taking you for granted (as would happen after 5 years together I can imagine), you´ve just realised this but he hasn´t and it´s time to let him know.

LegacyUser

id wager pounds to pennies if he told you he finds YOU having long hair a turn off and aksed you to shave your head you'd look at him like he was completely insane. Perhaps you'd be more suited to a Jane Austen novel?

LegacyUser

When people say don't withhold sex, are they saying she should force herself to have sex with someone she's not attracted to or turned on by? Because that's who the bf has turned into, whether he realises it or not.

OP how is he with other personal care, showering, shaving, brushing his teeth, wearing clean clothes? General deterioration in personal care can be a sign of depression, as can lack of motivation to do normal everyday activities (like popping into the barbers for 20 minutes). So I'm not suggesting you go in with all guns blazing. If you have no worries that that could be a factor, then I would definitely sit him down again and tell him that you would like him to take your feelings into account - as you do with his, when it comes to keeping yourself smart and attractive.

Taltos

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I'd actually tell him you find it a massive turn off. And I'd use those words too.

I really like this approach - honest - no confusion or misunderstandings.
Add to it though, his weight while also a turn off has other consequences
> health
> endurance / stamina...
> flexibility potentially

After 5 yrs you both should be able to be honest without worrying about the small stuff. And this is NOT small stuff.
Your bf sounds like he is letting himself go - I did the same - my wife mentioned it gently - coupled with not being able to climb a mountain in wicklow with relations - well I saw the writing and did something about it - but with my OHs help.

Be gentle - but be honest - this affects you too.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice, I didn't think anyone would reply to be honest!

With regards the hair I'm gonna have to drag him to a hair dressers, with the weight...this has been going on a while, I know he is aware of it and doesn't like it himself, but he also has done nothing about it and I fear its only going to get worse. He just eats junk and bottles of coke and stuff ... I have said he should eat better but he didn't take this advice.

I have read in similar posts that I should say something like "we should join a gym" or " here is a present of a gym membership"

I know it wouldn't work he would never go, but I guess its worth a try....

I think it just comes down to me not wanting to hurt his feelings, but as you said Taltos it would be beneficial for him in the long run.

LegacyUser

"Seriously, this isnt just about being lazy - how long can it possible take to cut hair"

I know! do some men use their hair to make some sort of " I am rebelling against you my girlfriend who wants my hair shorter damn you I shall never cut my hair again!"

I'm shocked his work place hasn't asked him to snip it ....oh but i'm sure if they did he would be to a hair dressers in two seconds - which I have actually said to him and gotten the usual "meh" response

vorbis

As Taltos says, after 5 years you should be able to be honest with him about this. No need to play tit for tat games. Just say to him that you're finding the long hair a turn off.

LegacyUser

"id wager pounds to pennies if he told you he finds YOU having long hair a turn off and aksed you to shave your head you'd look at him like he was completely insane. Perhaps you'd be more suited to a Jane Austen novel?"



hahahhah ya I think I would look at him "completely insane" I think any woman would... If he said "your hair is a mess get it sorted" I would, I think him asking me to shave my head and me asking him to get a bit of a hair cut is totally different

krudler

ahhhhhhhhhh wrote: »

"theres nothing wrong with growing your hair longer for a change but just letting it get out of hand for sheer laziness is a warning sign imo" (sorry I don't know how to do that quotes thing)

Hey Krudler, a warning sign of what? This is what I'm wondering as well, is he trying to make some sort of point? but in a very backwards way?

I just meant that if he's letting himself go with something simple now, and you already said he's put on weight, that could be for a number of reasons for all i know though, but the hair thing is easily fixed if he was bothered, which he clearly isnt, and someone who cant be bothered to fix something small tends to have problems taking care of bigger issues further down the line in my own experience

LegacyUser

was just on the phone to my bf there, he told me he is off tomorrow so I said "ya know what Saturdays are good for? Getting a hair cut" and he got really pissed off and said "I was going to get my hair cut but since you keep saying to get it done, I'm not gonna bother"

It seems I'm going out with a five year old......

MistyCheese

He's put on weight, seems to have lost interest in his appearance, is it possible he is becoming depressed? He could be saying he wants to pull himself together because he thinks it's what you want to hear, or because he thinks it's how he "should" feel. Or it could be that on his good days he genuinely does want to improve himself but it doesn't last.

Or I could be over-analyzing and he's just lazy. If so then I understand the decline in attraction, no woman wants to be a mammy to their partner. No healthy woman anyway.

I hope all the comments implying the OP cut her bfs hair without his knowledge or permission are joking. It doesn't matter what you think of someone's appearance you never have the right to chop off a part of someone elses anatomy.

cafecolour

ahhhhhhhhhh wrote: »

I have read in similar posts that I should say something like "we should join a gym" or " here is a present of a gym membership"

Start cooking healthy meals with (not for) him.

And join the gym together, and go together (I'm going to the gym, let's go.)

Just telling him to do it isn't going to do anything. And even if you're not gaining weight, you should be exercising for your overall fitness, so drag him a long.

Peggypeg

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Withholding sex has been suggested on many other threads on here and never works. Men are not dogs who get sex as a 'reward' for cutting their hair, or behaving, or whatever. In an adult relationship you should be able to sort issues out without this type of adult-child treatment.



I laughed my a** off! As a woman, I tell you it works. Ask your friends OP and they'll tell you. It totally works. I would defo recommend it, what better way to say "you've let yourself go and I'm just not that attracted to you anymore"? Warning though sweetie, don't be all confrontational about it, just tell him why you just want to cuddle, for the foreseeable future:eek:

LegacyUser

Peggypeg wrote: »

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Withholding sex has been suggested on many other threads on here and never works. Men are not dogs who get sex as a 'reward' for cutting their hair, or behaving, or whatever. In an adult relationship you should be able to sort issues out without this type of adult-child treatment.



I laughed my a** off! As a woman, I tell you it works. Ask your friends OP and they'll tell you. It totally works. I would defo recommend it, what better way to say "you've let yourself go and I'm just not that attracted to you anymore"? Warning though sweetie, don't be all confrontational about it, just tell him why you just want to cuddle, for the foreseeable future:eek:

I think its almost too late even if I was going to consider this, he wouldn't even notice. the sex has aready dwindled , I mean this could because LTR ...getting lazy about sex, but sex wise he is just doin nothin for me at the moment.....that sounds really harsh and maybe he thinks the same of me.

I'm just concerned...ya know I am a strong believer that once the sex goes it's a slippery slope. I mean we don't even live together! we see eachother once/ twice a week and you would think I would be dying for some action those times :P ...but i'm not ..


hmmm the more i think about this the more problems I think we have ! ....

Bottle_of_Smoke

His excuses sound more to me like "i don't want to cut my hair but i don't want to admit that"
leave him be about it. its his ****ing hair. jesus god forbid a boyfriend ever told his girl what to do with her hair.


I honestly think its the weight gain that's the problem. Get him to lose that, much more important.

Is the relationship good other than that? any other reason you might be pissed off?

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

His excuses sound more to me like "i don't want to cut my hair but i don't want to admit that"
leave him be about it. its his ****ing hair. jesus god forbid a boyfriend ever told his girl what to do with her hair.


I honestly think its the weight gain that's the problem. Get him to lose that, much more important.

Is the relationship good other than that? any other reason you might be pissed off?

you could be right about the hair alright, maybe he does like it. I dunno, well I don't think he as any problems telling me when I'm looking rough, hmmm

As far as anything else pissing me off, I think its just my problem really, sometimes i do think maybe he is depressed (he would never tell me if he is.. even when I ask), but then I just think he could not be bothered making an effort to meet up or ya know....look okay like cut his hair :P

are there any other guys that would tell their girlfriend to piss off if they were complaining like I am ?

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I honestly think its the weight gain that's the problem. Get him to lose that, much more important.

In fairness, it's a lot harder to lose weight than it is to hand over a tenner for a quick haircut. How is she going to motivate him towards the former when he can't even bring himself to do the latter? And if he thinks she's nagging him, how much worse would it be if she starts on about his weight?

Radical suggestion OP - does he see his parents much? Would his mammy get away with putting it to him bluntly that he is going around looking like a scarecrow? Or would he just give her the same petulant reaction?

Kicks

Did he say to "piss off" or did he say what you quoted?

If he said "piss off" then you should rip his hair out with your bare hands.

I think you're right about the 5 year old thing. He's even admitted he's too lazy to do it himself - has he some self-esteem issues more in line with his own appearance? Might be a thing he's doing in an effort to "be different" or he feels like he's not goodlooking so sometimes people then just go "well if i'm not I'll just make sure it looks like I know it too" - if he's like that he'll really want to do it on his own time and that could be why you got the reaction.

Why not try "I love how you look with your hair short - it turns me on". I had an ex that had a problem with me letting my hair growback in college and she said I'll sleep with you every day for a week and after that you have to agree to cut your hair - and guess what.........my hair was trimmed in a week :P

Edit:
Hey and like you said, he's quite straight with you ... throw it back - someone suggested letting your leg hair grow, definatley do that then when he says anything to you say "tit for tat" you cut your hair and I'll shave my legs.

Bonito

ahhhhhhhhhh wrote: »

Okay first off, yes I know this i s a pretty trivial problem compared to what other people have been posting, I just need to rant, so i'm sorry if this comes across as the shallowest post ever!

Have been going out with my bf for five and a half years, problem is....he has not had a haircut in over a year, his hair is almost as long as mine! I'm talking past the shoulder! it's ridiculous! he has always had longish hair never girly long though, just a bit messy which I liked.

Flatter him a little but don't get him big headed. Let him know that you preferred his hair shorter

This really long hair though is just such a turn off for me, I can barely look at him during sex, it gets in my eyes and its just really annoying! (sorry for that image !)

If it's to the extent where you can't look at him during intimacy and are frustrated during what should be a relaxing moment then maybe you should let this be known to him. Just inform him that you're fed up of having hair in your face and mouth and it makes you feel claustrophobic and you cant enjoy the moment as much as you used to because you're concentrating on keeping hair off you.

I said it to him "oh ya know your hair is almost as long as mine...maybe a trim is needed" he said "eh no can't be bothered" I said "do you like your hair like this ? is this why you are not cutting it?" and he said " no, just could not be bothered going to the hairdressers" .
I just said then "please just go to the hair dressers" and he never went ....I gotta say I'm going crazy.

This was a very good approach Op. You weren't pushy and you asked nicely when the first didn't succeed. Fact is he is just lazy.

This could be coupled with the fact that he has put on weight since we started going out, its like he has turned into a completely different person physically and honestly I don't know what to do! Its resulting in me just not wanting sex ..I just can't get turned on...

Maybe join the gym together? Go walking with him?

i mean If my legs are hairy he has no hesitation in saying to me "jaysus shave your legs!" whats the difference.

Sorry but let him know the whole "one rule for you and another for me" doesn't work. A relationship is a two way street remember. IMHO if he is as insensitive as this to you about when you don't shave then maybe next time during sex you should stop him in the middle of it and when he says what's wrong say "you need a haircut I feel smoothered by it when we're having sex it's not nice". He'll probably end up getting a hair cut out of his frustration.

Need advice, tell me if I am being a complete idiot over this.

I don't think you're being shallow or idiotic. Try getting one of his friends to play a "prank" on him which is organised by you. When he's asleep get them to cut a big chunk of hair off so it looks ridiculous and he has to get a haircut.

LegacyUser

well...I brought it up again over the phone..... just casually. Then later I sent him a text asking if he wanted to meet up tonight, but he said he was not in the mood. i said then was it because of me and he just said "no.just not in the mood"

bit upset now, when he says things like that it just makes me think he really can't be bothered with me

ah fun fun ...i think its time to let the hair thing go

krudler

ahhhhhhhhhh wrote: »

well...I brought it up again over the phone..... just casually. Then later I sent him a text asking if he wanted to meet up tonight, but he said he was not in the mood. i said then was it because of me and he just said "no.just not in the mood"

bit upset now, when he says things like that it just makes me think he really can't be bothered with me

ah fun fun ...i think its time to let the hair thing go

Thats pretty childish tbh, not wanting to meet up and throwing a strop because you brought up something that bothering you in a civilised and adult way? ( I assume, you didnt just shout "get a haircut ya hippy!" at him did you?)

I dont get this attitude of "love me no matter what" thing that people will throw at you if theres something bothering you in a relationship, its horse**** tbh, unless theres a reason for your appearance changing such as gaining weight from health issues (been there myself), trying a new look just for a change and something different, thats all fine, but letting yourself go is a massive turnoff to me, and its not purely for the physical side either,its basically saying "well I have you now, why keep trying to impress you?" and that the relationship is in that "comfort zone" where you no longer feel the need to put in any effort for your partner.

balls to that I say, I always make sure I look my best when I meet up with my gf of nearly 3 years, no way would I turn up to meet her looking like I just rolled out of bed, of course we've seen each other sick and hungover and in lazy mode around the house, thats all fine but I'd never just stop putting in the effort and making myself look good (or at least trying to) for her, and she does the same for me, any time we go somewhere or meet friends she always looks beautiful, and she loves that I tell her that as well

Taltos

OP - maybe your relationship has just fizzled out? And maybe this is his way of getting you to end it - so he will be the victim and not the one doing the dumping???

Probably not - it could be that his esteem is low / feeling depressed etc
But ask him whats up - and for gollums sake don't do it over the phone / text...

Just look him straight in the eye and ask him if he just wants it to end? "is that why you told me to piss off and why you are binging on the coke and goodies?"

I am just wondering if the hair and the weight gain though could be excuses on your side too? Being told to Piss off by ones bf is never nice, and when that bf just stops taking care of themselves - do they also stop taking care of you??? When was the last time he cuddled up and told you he loved you - and you could see in his eyes that he really did?

LegacyUser

there is way more wrong here. your boyfriend is likely on a downer. he's getting older, he's getting unfit. this is **** for him. his girlfriend is constantly telling him that a haircut will make or break their relationship.

i suspect he doesn't need to be nagged, he doesn't need someone fussing over him, he's sort of taking space from you, and maybe that's nothing to do with you, but a reflection of where he's at in his own head and his life.

i know you're both in a relationship, and you need help and support and attention from him too, but primarily you've commited to him as a person because you love him, so maybe just try to observe where he's at, pull your strength together for him and just give him a bit of space?

i don't know.. but i think you should be a little concerned for his state of mind outside of how it's affecting you. stop going on about a haircut. he knows how you feel. so the day he shows up with a haircut when you haven't been nagging him, you know he's made a genuine effort for you, and not given in to pressure.

look after him.. which can be a passive process.

krudler

outsider123 wrote: »

there is way more wrong here. your boyfriend is likely on a downer. he's getting older, he's getting unfit. this is **** for him. his girlfriend is constantly telling him that a haircut will make or break their relationship.

i suspect he doesn't need to be nagged, he doesn't need someone fussing over him, he's sort of taking space from you, and maybe that's nothing to do with you, but a reflection of where he's at in his own head and his life.

i know you're both in a relationship, and you need help and support and attention from him too, but primarily you've commited to him as a person because you love him, so maybe just try to observe where he's at, pull your strength together for him and just give him a bit of space?

i don't know.. but i think you should be a little concerned for his state of mind outside of how it's affecting you. stop going on about a haircut. he knows how you feel. so the day he shows up with a haircut when you haven't been nagging him, you know he's made a genuine effort for you, and not given in to pressure.

look after him.. which can be a passive process.

She's his girlfriend not his mother

liah

There's a lot of problems there.

1) You guys have been with each other for a decent amount of time, and it's fairly normal for people to get to the stage where they're a bit too comfortable with one another, and then start taking each other for granted. That's what sounds like it's happening here-- he's expecting you a certain way (shaved legs example) while not wanting to do anything himself. He's comfortable, you're taken for granted.

2) Nagging him is obviously turning him off the idea even more. I'm like that. If someone pesters me too much to do something, I completely withdraw because I hate the idea of someone telling me what to do. If it was referenced in a casual, offhand manner ("Aw, I love that kind of haircut on guys, it's so sexy" when you see someone with the style you'd like on him) he might be more inclined to do something about it. Alternatively, you could ask mutual friends to mention it in passing ("man, your hair is so long! When are you getting it cut?"), but only ask one person to do it and only the once. But stop telling him to do it directly, it won't get anywhere.

3) The not wanting to cut his hair paired with the weight issue does point to some underlying esteem issues, or simple laziness issues. Either way, they're issues he has to work out for himself. It may be lovely, the idea of him doing it to be better for you, but at the end of the day if someone makes any changes towards self-improvement they have to do it because they want to do it, not because someone else wants them to.

All that said (sorry for the essay!) I think you need to give each other some space in order to give him time to cop on once he realizes what he's losing with you. Talk to him about it, explain how you feel to him, see what he says, and then maybe just see each other less for a few months depending on the result. But you do need to just sit down and have a talk.

Address everything-- you have trouble finding him attractive right now and you can't force yourself into something you just don't feel when it comes to sex. Make it clear you still care greatly for him on a relationship level and this by no means indicates you want to break up. Apologize to him for nagging, and tell him it's only out of concern for both him and your relationship with him, but also tell him to cop on with his behaviour and let him know he's acting like a child. Explain to him that he's taking you for granted; you make a great effort to keep yourself looking well for him and you acknowledge his complaints and remedy them if you let yourself go by not shaving for a few days or whatever, and tell him you don't feel it's fair that you do all this and he point blank refuses.

See what he says, none of us can predict it, just make sure it's all calm and mature and he'll either go out and get a haircut the next day or he'll take you up on your offer of space which can mean two things: one, he'll cop on and smarten up and stop taking the relationship and your attraction to him for granted, or two, it'll make you both realize maybe the relationship has run its course and it's time to move on.

Sorry for the novel. Hope some of it might help.

suspectpackage

I don't know what your BF is thinking but I was going out with a girl once and my hair was getting long enough. I decided to get it cut but around that time she started nagging me to get it cut. I specifically didn't get it cut because of her nagging. If you think back to when you were young and living with your parents, I'm sure there were times when you were going to do something, "Clean your room/dishes etc" but just because they told you to do it, you then didn't do it, even if you wanted to do it. Maybe this is happening here.

Smallbit

Honesty is the only practical approach in this situation. OP you need to tell your boyfriend how you feel in terms of your diminished attraction to him and the reasons for that. Lethargy and a lack of motivation are not attractive qualities.

Similarly you need to ask him if he's happy in the relationship rather than stumble along unhappily for months. Speak openly and honestly, don't play games or skirt around the issue.