Please advise me how to confront him....

LegacyUser

Been with my OH for 3.5 years now! We have a really strong relationship! Were sooo alike and the best of friends and still so in love! But its not perfect. And I may be contradicting our 'strong' relationship, but I have recently found that he is on internet sites talking to other girls. He is mailing and talking to them regularly! He hasnt organised to meet or anything, just talking to them.

We broke up about 3 months ago for 4 months to figure out if this relationship was right for us and we couldnt stay away from eachother and talked for the most of it! And this is when he startedI have no doubt he loves me, and im not in denial, but it is really bothering me and i need to know what the reason is for this! Could it just be curiosity and something exciting for him to do! He is unemployed and basically sits on his computer all day!

Anyway...... advice needed please! Should i confront him??? Thing is I cant tell him i have been in his emails. He would never forgive me! And i wasnt snooping... he had given me his email address previously and I used it a year or two ago, and he obviously hasnt realised we shared that info.

Dont know what to do! I love him so much.....

Thanks.

Barracudaincork

wiliconfront??? wrote: »

Thing is I cant tell him i have been in his emails. He would never forgive me! And i wasnt snooping... he had given me his email address previously and I used it a year or two ago, and he obviously hasnt realised we shared that info.

If you are not snooping then why would he not forgive you?

Taltos

I worked with someone who found out the exact same thing. Her OH did not see anything wrong in what he was doing - he thought it was all just for a laugh - I mean come on - talk about an infantile attitude.

She totally lost the rag with him. Moved out home and told him it was over - a cheater was a cheater and all that. All very fast - all almost same day. Lets just say his feet never touched the ground he was so floored by this absolute reaction.

They did get back together and he has given guarantees it will not happen again. But they did have to do a lot of work on his attitude to this - underlying reasons - inability to see he was actually messing with peoples lives and all that.

In terms of him not forgiving you for snooping.. well - yes it was not great - but you snooped because you knew something was wrong - and lets face it - if he uses that then he is just trying to deflect the blame here.

Either he is trustworthy or he is not. if not - you are reasonably within your rights to protect yourself as he has soon he is not protecting your relationship. Use that as a counter argument if he tries.

Barracudaincork

Taltos wrote: »

In terms of him not forgiving you for snooping.. well - yes it was not great - but you snooped because you knew something was wrong - and lets face it - if he uses that then he is just trying to deflect the blame here.

Where does the OP say she snooped as she knew something was wrong?

I cant see anything wrong with the boyfriend chatting to women online, he isnt meeting them etc as the OP has said, he is bored at home all day and chatting to people.

Does he chat to men also OP or is it strictly just women he talks to?

The Nice Jumper

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I cant see anything wrong with the boyfriend chatting to women online, he isnt meeting them etc as the OP has said, he is bored at home all day and chatting to people.

Does he chat to men also OP or is it strictly just women he talks to?

Yes, tell us more OP. Maybe he's exploring his bi side.

I would disagree with Barracuda though, he shouldn't be chatting to other birds. Would be better off applying for jobs - best way to sort his head out is to focus, instead of escapism. See how he likes it if you start e-mailing men!

Taltos

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Where does the OP say she snooped as she knew something was wrong?

wiliconfront??? wrote: »

Thing is I cant tell him i have been in his emails. He would never forgive me! And i wasnt snooping... he had given me his email address previously and I used it a year or two ago, and he obviously hasnt realised we shared that info.

Sorry Barra - get what you mean.
She did not say she was snooping and did not say she knew something was wrong.
But - if not snooping - then why go into someones mail?
Yes I know I said snooping - but this is my take on the action without a clear understanding of the reasons why.

Barracudaincork

The Nice Jumper wrote: »

Yes, tell us more OP. Maybe he's exploring his bi side.

I would disagree with Barracuda though, he shouldn't be chatting to other birds. Would be better off applying for jobs - best way to sort his head out is to focus, instead of escapism. See how he likes it if you start e-mailing men!

OP doesnt say he hasnt applied for jobs, there is only so much anyone can do on a daily basis with regards to applying for jobs. I agree if doing this (or anything) was stopping him from applying for jobs, but as we dont know I not going to assume the worst from this man.

Taltos wrote: »

Sorry Barra - get what you mean.
She did not say she was snooping and did not say she knew something was wrong.
But - if not snooping - then why go into someones mail?
Yes I know I said snooping - but this is my take on the action without a clear understanding of the reasons why.

Why go into someones mail? because they are nosey, dont respect privacy, paranoid, various reasons and to be honest it doesnt sound like the OP just looked once, my impression would be that she has checked a few times. ANOTHER reason could be yes that she suspects he has or is cheating or wants to, still that doesnt give her the right, it just gives her the reason.

Taltos

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Why go into someones mail? because they are nosey, dont respect privacy, paranoid, various reasons and to be honest it doesnt sound like the OP just looked once, my impression would be that she has checked a few times. ANOTHER reason could be yes that she suspects he has or is cheating or wants to, still that doesnt give her the right, it just gives her the reason.

Didn't say she was right - but in my opinion - she is wrong here.
However putting aside her reasons (that is another thread) she has found something that has justified her outlook.

Personally if my OH was like her though I would have ended the relationship. Either you have trust or you don't. When you don't - why waste your time...

Barracudaincork

Taltos wrote: »

Didn't say she was right - but in my opinion - she is wrong here.
However putting aside her reasons (that is another thread) she has found something that has justified her outlook.

Personally if my OH was like her though I would have ended the relationship. Either you have trust or you don't. When you don't - why waste your time...

Sorry Taltos, i didnt think you though she was wrong for snooping, my bag!

Me too, if i knew my OH was looking through my stuff, i would dump them so quick they wouldnt know what hit them!

LegacyUser

OP here.... Thanks for replies.

I completely understand what you are all saying about the snooping. I may have left out some details. Basically I am good mates with his best friend and he let it slip when he was drunk! Told me he had never met up with them but always talking to them and that it was him that told my OH to go on to this site when we broke up.
Because I had access to his emails, in a serious long term relationship like this with a man whom i 100% trusted, i Needed to know!!!

Hes just chatting to them! They tell him hes hot and he replies the same and just asking what theyre doing with themselves and general conversation.
Thing about my boyfriend is, he has a very addictive personality and gets addicted to games, social networking etc. However, althought this is a little more serious and can potentially put our relationship on the line, perhaps he started this out of boredom and curiosity and has found himself somewhat addicted and curious to what girls think of him! Does he need an ego boost??? I dont know!

Were back together after a break up.... he said he couldnt live without me.... so why is he always on this site talking to other girls????

SO confused.

Taltos

Op - you really do need to sit down and talk about it.

He might not have thought it the whole way through. Once you have re-established boundaries for your "new" relationship then you can move forwards.

Have the talk.
Get him to change his email p/w
Put both the snooping and the "chats" in the bin - past is past.

You either move past this or it will break you up permanently.
Be prepared though - your betrayal is just as serious as his. So while you might be able to move past his "flirting" infidelity - he may not be able to move past his loss of trust in you.

Talk to him - asap.

Bara - sorry about the misunderstanding - I normally jump all over the snoop stuff - was trying just to focus on the problem requested and not the symptom of a larger issue.

LegacyUser

I know.... it really is eating me up!

But is there any other way I could approach it?? I couldnt say someone elase spotted his profile because he would ask who etc etc....

I just want to confront him and tell him that i know...

kenbrady

wiliconfront... wrote: »

OBasically I am good mates with his best friend and he let it slip when he was drunk! Told me he had never met up with them but always talking to them and that it was him that told my OH to go on to this site when we broke up.

if this is true, then that's your way in

wiliconfront... wrote: »

But is there any other way I could approach it??